repression can be fun!

Can't we just make like a good group of american friends and ignore any sort of feelings that might arise. Repression is the name of the game and its all the rage. I've been doing it all my life and I'm just fine. I really suggest you become familiar with it because right now I just can't take it. I can't do this. I don't need any late night confessions. No needs that must be set free into the world. Nothing. I really just need this to not be sent out into the world because I don't think I can handle this confession. Wait a while. There is so much going on in the next two weeks. Or ya know what, write it in a note and let it out. Give it to me if you must. But I won't read it. I need to be able to focus right now. I have 2 weeks left of school. I need to pass these classes, better yet I need a's and b's or else I won't remain at this school. The loss of a scholarship is never fun times. And then I need to run away from this country and go to London for a week and fall in love with the landscape and find my own Mr Darcy and never come back. Or better yet come back, find my own Mr Darcy at home, as in Burlington. (is it sad that i have an idea of one but i could never name a name because i would be shot in the face by people i know) then I will audition for a new school, get in and just go through all of next semester with ease. Happily and carefree with nothing tying me down or clipping my wings. because I need to fly. I'm a god damned bird and I need to soar because otherwise I will be driven to acts that are not good for myself, much in the way of last year. If we might recall, last year after I did not get into my school of transfer choice. The night that news was delivered I got so trashed that I could not walk the next day. I could barely see. And from there everything that semester got worse. I drank too much. I did drugs. I didn't do my work. My head was all over the place and I was an emotional wreck. I can't go through that again. But really I just might turn into that if this news comes out. Keep it in. I'm begging. Please.


a cry in the dark. begging for an acceptance, an agreement. do as i bid and as i plead. only good will come of it i think, i believe, i hope.

I'm sick of school.
I'm sick of working and thinking and trying too hard and struggling to understand chemistry and everything.
Right now I just want to go home and curl into a ball and sleep forever... or atleast for two weeks until finals are done. I'm so not in the mood for finals at all. I dont even know what to study for some classes, and even better I dont know when some of them are taking place. I do know that tomorrow there is a final for Chem Lab. Gross. I don't know what I'll be doing... ick.

England in 23 days. I cannot wait. I really am just so excited.
!!

Also my birthday was a success. My classy wine party went on and people dressed up (excepting one person who wore a suit tee-shirt. stupid boy) but it was fun. I think everyone enjoyed themselves. At least I hope they did...

but anyways back to homework, of course.

I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me...

It is now November 27th. I know its been quite a long time since I've written last.
School has been unending. Even after a five day break for Thanksgiving and whatnot I still feel like I have so much to do. About three weeks of the semester left. I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to go home and curl up in a ball and sleep for years and just... run away from FDU. Or something like that.

This weekend at home with my friends was great. I miss them all so much. This semester I haven't been in contact with anyone as much as I was in the past. It made it harder to reconnect since we had so much catching up to do, but it also made it nicer to see each other again.

In the past few weeks there has been a fair amount going on, but I don't even know what. I think its more that I've just had a lot of work to do coupled with the annoyances that are people. Its just too much. And plus people are just really pissing me off.

Way more then they should. But whatever. I'll get over it I think. I'll try... whatever.


One month and here I come London.



Steel Magnolias scene tomorrow with Katie.
First Rough Draft for playwriting tomorrow.
FDU Idol tomorrow (time to laugh!).
Classy wine party tomorrow.
My 20th Birthday tomorrow.

I'm scared. I have 40 minutes left of being a teenager.
And I'm wasting them doing playwriting homework.

What a fascinating life I lead.

south jersey- how i've missed thee.


its lovely to be home.

like fog on the city turning building tops to sky...

blanketing the world till we dont know where clouds meet steel.
...thats what i woke up to this morning. on matts couch. we were to wake up and leave at 7.
at 6-ish i woke up for just a few minutes and i stared out the window. that song was just so perfectly appropriate. like there are lyrics that seem fitting for situations sometimes, but then there are those that are just so perfect. This seems like one of them...

well, its been a week since writing.
this weekend at hunter on saturday was an intesting one. I wanted so badly to like it but not be blinded to its imperfections. instead, i loved the atmosphere and placement. however, they didnt show me anything of the programs i was interested in. there was no representation of the theatre department and the man representing the music department was fairly rude to me, not really giving me information about the program at all, at least not moving past how many credits and how its classically based so it might not be right for me. he just assumed that i was not a classically trained or ready to be classically trained singer. ass.
so i'm trying to schedule something to talk to a person in the theater department and find out what things are like there. hopefully that will work out.

since then i dont really know whats happened. some people have been getting on my nerves more then usual but whatever, i guess it happens. maybe after going home this weekend things will get better. i need to get away from this campus for a few days. its really starting to grate on my nerves. everything about it. i need at least two nights when i wont have to stay in a dorm room.

last night was amazing though. me danielle sarah and jim went into the city, and we partied with nikki and matt. it was grand. we had fun and whatnot. we drank we took pictures we sang we danced we diner-ed. it was just nice. we slept in matts living room and then left at 7 this morning to catch our train home, which sucked but it was still a lot of fun.
i ended up sleeping all day and i'm still exhausted but it was worth it. completely so.

well it is now november. I did manage a post for every day in october- even if they were off by a few hours sometimes to make it on the calender date. October was interesting. I certainly ran a gamut of emotions. I'm still running and I will continue to this month. Everythings up and down. But so it goes.

Halloween wasnt too bad. We (Me, Steph, Jim, Sarah, Joe and Marissa) went trick or treating. Then we went to a party at the band house. it was whatever. we walked to the diner and hung for awhile and then came back here to avoid suckage. it ended up being me sarah jim and joe hanging out in my room watching CAMP cause we're nerds.

Today was boringgg. Class, practice room, dinner, television, and then Rob Arena's room. We stood outside for ages( considering how cold it got) and smoked cigars like the classy people we are. We went back to the room. We watched Bubha Ho-tep. I forgot how much I liked that movie. It was a grand time. Rob made us grilled cheese and it was amazing. I want my little george forman grill up here so I can make some.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with Stephen to make my schedule for next year. While I'm in there I have to talk to him about a masterclass with Brian and Kait. I already spoke with Rob during acting on tuesday and he said he would be in support of it. I just need to get the students to back me up .I only need 25 who would be willing to participate. I dont see why they wouldnt be. I mean masterclasses go on your resume. Its a good thing to have some and since they have only had one at FDU- ever, it would be very good..

I still don't know what my scheudle next semester is going to be. it looks like it'll be all day 9:25-3:25 tuesday and friday, 11:20-2 monday and thursday. no wednesday classes at all. whee!

i've just found this.

I just got this song about an hour and a half ago from jasonrobertbrown.com
I've been busy so I hadnt checked for updates till tonight when I was pushing off my rewrite/ next scene for playwriting.

Its called What It Means To Be A Friend. A thirteen year old girl sings it and I think it's wonderful. Normally in his music JRB is very lyrically complicated- beautiful, but complicated (like so much in life). These lyrics are so appropriate for a thirteen year old girl. I know that I went through things like this... and one of the lyrics struck me so much because it jsut found it to be true no matter what age you are... anyways...
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
A friends not a cheap little phony creep
or a jerk trying to make a deal
a friend is a person who most of all
cares about what you feel
and nothing is harder then learning a friend isnt real

a friend sends notes back and forth all day
and doesnt care that you cant spell.
a friend knows you've got a crush on your teacher-
but a friend would never tell.
a friends outside waiting the minute you both hear the bell
and if your heart is always breaking
cause the world is just not fair
when you're at your worst the friends the first one there
giving you something to lean on and thats what it means to be a friend...

a friend won't smoke when shes in your room
or laugh at the poems you write
a friend won't go and start kissing your brother
the minute that your out of sight
a friend is the person who calls 16 times every night
and if your heart is always breaking
and you want to run and hide
when your hope is gone your friend is on your side

if someone moves in round the corner
and you want to show him you care
so you give him all your last month of vacation
and all of the time you can spare
and then on the first day of classes
he acts like your not even there
then he doesn't know
he doesn't know
he'll never know what it means to be a friend...

I'm exhausted. I have so much work to do, like writing for playwritingbecause my rewrite is no where near finished and I need it to be read and whatnot tomorrow. Fun. Instead of working on it I just took a 3 hour nap.Now I'm more tired than I was before and I feel really hungry for some reason. But I have no food in here! Nothing except animal crackers and jelly, but noting to put the jelly on. Blah.

you can kiss your sorry ass goodbye...

In one month (from yesterday) I will be twenty.
No longer a teenager. This is scary. I'll be an twenty-something. ::shudder::
There's such a stigma attached to being twentysomething in my mind. Its time to grow up. To be an adult almost. I know thats not true, especially in today's world where people remain children in thier mentality for as long as possible (even though they act like adults physically- if that makes any sense) It just seems to me that this would be the time for maturing, growing up. Scary thoughts-right?

One week till the Hunter open house. Oooo. It will be interesting. I want to like this place so badly. But it scares me that because I want to like it I won't see any possible flaws. I'll just see the location and the price and the size and the programs. I'll be dazzled. But I want to not just see the wonders that I know I'll make myself find. I want to see whats wrong with it, that way I can make a true decision based on realistic findings about whether or not that is the place I really want to be.
Every time I mention it Steph gets mad at me. She gets this look and tells me to stop tlaking about it. But I can't. SHe has no idea how unhappy I am here. I think i can't act but really thats all I do. Everyone knows I'm unsatisfied here but thats all they think it is. They don't know the level of my dissapointment, unhappiess, and just sadness. I know I keep saying it's because I'm in New Jersey but its not just that. Its partly the program - its not the people. I do love the people here, and that would be my reason for staying. But I can't decide my whole future because I have some friends. I need to do what would be best for me, not just education wise but mentally. I feel like this place is just pulling me down. I don't go out. I don't have fun. Wednesday was the last time I just left to go party and hang out with people in ages. Since probably the second week of school. We're past midterms at this point so thats a fair amount of time...

So that wasn't where I intended going with this whole thing. But whatever... back to the homework because I have tons. <3

what do you want from me...

i want someone to like.

i want someone to kiss.
new job: find a boy for me to kiss like now.

i'm bored and antsy. and stephs with mikey at the band house.
nicole was hanging out here earlier. that was fun.
but now its 3:15 in the am and i am bored.
tomorrow... or today, whatever, i have no plans except homework.
i really want to jsut give up on all my work, hop a train to the city and sit in central park... except hat its gonna be raining probably.. maybe if its not raining i will do that. i'll go up there and read the playboy of the western world since i need that done by monday and i have to write questions about it. i just dont want to be here anymore.

how am i supposed to spend 2 and a half more years here? i can barely stand a week.

btw, i have an awesome new pimp name: Devious Honey C. Dazzle

i want some mexican. like now.

but in other news. there is no news. life is boring. i spent most of yesterday and today sleeping, other than that bit of time i was in class. my lips hurt like a bitch, they are horribly chapped.
i am not going to the city this weekend. first time in ages. but i did go on tuesday and i'm going next weekend for the open house at hunter.
i'm kinda scared to talk to rich or rob whoever i end up working on my schedule with.
i feel like i should tell them the whole deal with looking for another school and another major.
but if i do that and i end up staying wont i be ruining things for myself?
will it be like burning my bridges before i crosses them? I think rob knows something is off about me and my feelings toward school but i dont know that i should tell him what i'm feeling about acting and my theater major.
i love theater. i love the stage. but it seems to me that i wont succeed there. It feels like i'm just kinda stuck and i cant get past these road blocks i put up around myself, mentally and emotionally. how am i supposed to act through that? vocal perf. seems like the more logical place for me to go career wise...

better wake up early in the morning girl...

so don't mind that last post filled with typos and fun. i had just returned from drinking and i was doing chemistry homework at the same time, it was fun filled night to say the very least.
ugh.my room smells right now. and i can tell you whos fault it is... but i dont wanna get yelled at for being a bitch, so anyways...

Going to the PostSecret talk and signing in New York was great. Hearing Frank talk about the different secrets he's received, the nature of secrets, the stories attached to the secrets and how these secrets bring people together was amazing. He really is just a nice guy. I did talk to him and told him a little story about how I wrote a postcard about things between my roommate and I but before I had the chance to send it she and I talked about the issues.Thus there was no reason to send it! He laughed about that and said something about how it seems like writing something down and being forced to confront it makes it so much easier to talk about. He was insightful and had a very kind face. It was a nice time. Followed by lots of wandering around Manhattan with Matt cause thats how we do. Of course we walked by Spring Awakening, cause how could we not? And we went all over the place. His friend Sam works as a hostess at the Marriot Marquis so we went to meet with her when she finished work and while we were there walking to the elevator I walked straight into someone I knew. Susan Ancheta. The Susan Ancheta that choreographed Cabaret. It was awkward. And weird. And so completely random.
But after that me and Matt went to a diner, got some food and then went our separate ways. I ended up having to wait till 11:50 for a train but it was okay. It gave me more time in my favorite place in the world.

Last night I had homework to do. I got 4.5 of the 10 questions I had to answer finished and then I went out. I went out and stayed out till about 2:30 in the morning. When I got back here I answer the other questions, got a shower and ended up passing out around 5:30, the questions took a lot of time to answer... plus I was talking to people on here instead of working too! But I had fun. Which was nice. Because even though I have fun normally this was different. I miss this kind of fun. I need to have it more often.

Also I'm going home the weekend of November 10th! I'm gonna see Urinetown at UArts and conincidently Kait and Brian are doing a show in Philly that weekend so me and Jess are gonna go to that too. It'll be fun. Especially since I really need to go home. I miss being home. I miss home.

i'll still be alone....

I tried to update on wednesday, calender date and it wouldnt allow me. gr.
right now i am a little drunk. i was in rob's room with a big ole group of people/. and it was fun.
i mis having friends and people to hang out with like that. like i have friends and people to ahgn out with but something jsut seems wrong about it. i dunno . like i lvoe y friends here but sometihng jsut seems weird. its probably jsut me. cause i;m crazy and i dont like where i am and how i feel about it.

i really dfo want to be a vocal perf. major now. i cant act for shit it feels like.


yet i'm still gonna do musical theater as much as possible cause i love me some stories told thorugh song.

i wanna be like jessica molaskey. shes got mad skillz.

back to the city tonight!

going to frank warren's book signing, postsecret.

i'm excited!

"This is not how its supposed to happen..."

whos a ho?

i believe you is.

i know this is 20 minutes late, but whatever I was busy rehearsing my scene for tomorrow.
I dont know. I feel more confident with this one then I did with any of the others, but I still don't have an objective. But I think it will go well, and the objective I'm persuing will come to me by the morning- I hope.

Oh well, I think I got a 60 out of 60 on a chem quiz-test thingie today. Woo! And I think I did well on my Development of Theater midterm. I hope I did. Classes this year are taking so much more work than they did last year, either semester. It just such a challenge to get everything done because it feels like every teacher is making assignments due at the exact same time, every week.
Whatever.

wanna bundle up into some big ass lie...

Totally Fucked is my new theme song I think.
I'm listening to it on repeat. Its the shit.

anyways, yesterday was good for me.
I got the music I need. I got the play I wanted. I got to look at the school I want. I got to see Ms.Pam. I got to hang out with Matt. and I got to see The Times They Are A'Changin'. I was happy. I was content. I was in the city. Manhattan really is my favorite place in the world. I'm not such a snob that I'll condemn every other city in the world to being horrible (like someone I know- Matt?) but it is my favorite that I've been to. I know I'm not well traveled but it just seems to me that there is this magic about Manhattan, and it might exist in other places but thats where I love it. There's a sameness that comforting about the city, but there's also this constant change that is so amazing. The streets are the same, the buildings are the same, but the people and the sounds and the atmosphere- its always different. From minute to minute it changes. I find it so fascinating. I just... it feels like home.

I love my real home. South Jersey always has my heart, but I really have no love for North jersey. Its just kind of here. Its the part of New Jersey that always gets made fun of by people who don't know anything about Jersey. All I really like here are my friends. School wise and classes wise the only one I really like right now is Musical Theatre Workshop- and that teacher is not from here. He's an adjunct. He's from- you guessed it, Manhattan! He takes the train here every Friday to teach my class, and then he goes back home on the train once more. I used to like my acting class, but now not so much. I feel like I just can't connect with anything acting wise. I'm tempted to change my major to music. Become a vocal performer, just a singer. I can emote and act when I sing but when theres only words on a page, no music, it feels like somethings missing. And everyone can see that something is missing. I'm just lacking. Sucking.
At least thats how it feels. And thats why Hunter could be good for me. They have a Music- Vocal Perf. major. I want that. Here there's a music minor. A whole 18 credits. You get credits for taking voice lessons and being in chorus- I could already have 8 credits toward that minor. Thats gross cause I haven't taken any real music classes. I just want a real program. I love to sing.It is my favorite thing in the world. As much as I love to dance and act there is nothign that compares to singing for me. It gives me the greatest feeling in the world. I can stand there and just let everything out through these melodies and words that, even though someone else wrote them, fit so perfect with what I want to convey and express. And even if they aren't appropriate with what I'm feeling at that moment I can make it seem like it is. I can connect so much better with songs then I can with regular speaking. I know thats weird because its not like we communicate through songs in real life but I'm just better at it. I can emote and express myself through song better then I ever can through words...



Wow, that got ranty and went to a completely different place then I originally expected it to. Oh well, so it goes.

and all shall know the wonder...

www.springawakening.com


go there. i'm excited.

i'm excited!

sometimes you claim I miss the good thats in my life, sometimes I do almost agree...

i miss last year. exactly a year ago infact. thats when things were good... sort of.
the four of us were together. friends and whatnot. we had fun, and now we dont even see each
other.... i know things change in time, but only a year... god.

also since when did he have "people" of that sort.
i know i do but thats part of me being me.
him - not so much.
it jsut mkaes me angry that he can just swoop in and start being like that with people.
i'm jealous that i cant force my friendship upon people- but then again I dont get on peoples nerves with that like some people. In fact, I'm more likely to dissappear into the background and have people forget about me rather than focus on how annoying and always there i am. but whatever.

... not that things like that are happening right now (even though they are)


i sang today in class. musical theater. we had a mock audition for Allegro. I sang Whats the Use of Wonderin'? It went well. It is now a part of my book I believe. Thats what Noel Katz said to do, put it in my book exactly as he had me sing it because I will always need a song like that. My new job is to have an up-tempo, non-contemporary song. He suggested There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This, from Sweet Charity. Since I'm going to the city tomorrow I already called Colony to see if they have it there- they do. Thus that will be my new song.

Even though its Friday at 9:30 I'm going off to do laundry now... what an exciting life I lead...

<3

meanwhile theres a silence here that i don't recognize...

i have no idea what i want anymore.
i think i just like things that are new and shiny. they distract me from my poblems but then i realize they are just a distraction and nothings changed and i still have all these issues and i'm crazy.


you just try to bring me out of my shell... i dare you

and if i pull this 180...

back up. please. thankyou.

anyways moving on. i dont know how but i somehow pulled that core2 paper out of my ass. in under 2 hours really. i dont even know what i wrote but i did answer the questions and got all 5 pages. it is beautiful...not really but whatev. i'm venting to bernotas right now about a bunch of shit. its necesary. but i think i'm okay now. maybe? oh well. anywho last night was interesting to say the very very least. and i think thats all i want to say about it-and thats all you want to know. trust me.

Yeha I can't make up any excuses at this point. Its 12 in the afternoon Wednesday. I didn't write yesterday cause I was doing stuff and then I went out. I didn't get back in here till 3:40-ish and then i passed out. So yeah, thats about it. No reason, but whatever I guess I ruined this whole every day thing hardcore.

Oh.Em.Gee! He's so cute. I think i figured out what my "thing" is when it comes to boys. What it is I won't say yet, but damn. He's a cutie.

Like fireworks you remind me that life can be decent and simple and wonderful and fine...

A talk was had, thank god. It was necessary. How I feel about the whole situation is known and understood. She seems to accept what I said, hopefully she can take it to heart though. I'm saddened by the fact that my dream did not continue into last night. I was hopeful. It was just such a great thing for me that I really wanted it to just keep going and going. I'm pathetic and I'd rather live in a dream world then the real one... but the dream is much more preferable to reality.

I'm temped to leave Basic Acting 2. I fee like I can't do shit in that class. And that I suck hardcore. Blah. Tomorrow we're doing scenes, but only the first ten lines. The remainder will be done at a later date. I just don't feel like trying anymore. ech.

you can be my family and i can hold you tight through the night...

I had a dream this morning, because by the time I got back to sleep it was early this morning. It was a great dream though. I lived in the same building as Brian. I was two floors up from him. And we were friends, like hang out and making jokes. It was a great time. We were in the city so there was constant noise but I loved it. I was happy.
He would randomly climb this fire escape that led from his apartment to mine (it was very Breakfast at Tiffanys) and he would break into my apartment. I would be gone, and when I'd return I would be out in the hallway trying to figure out what the noises in my apartment was from and when I'd go in there'd be no one there, but my music would be playing or the TV would be on. That happened three times before I caught him. But it all just turned into a big joke between us.
We were somehow on the same internet and he saw the 50-some songs by him on my iTunes. All he could do was ask me why. So, I expained. I said that music is almost like a drug to me, especially his. Its just so beautiful and I love it so much. I can't get enough of it so I go out in search of it, trying to get my fix, if you would. He understood my sentiments but still couldn't wrap his head around why it was his music, such modesty.
We then just started talking about everything- careers, music, family, love, life. He told me about things he was working on, even gave me some things I don't have yet. But the thing is through all of this we were friends, or at least becoming very good friends. It was great. I felt this connection that I've never felt with anyone in my life ever before. I know it was just a dream- but it was pretty great and very real.

Now to just find that kind of connection with someone in real life, outside of my dreams...

off to see Bus Stop again.... sigh.

...its like he knows something I don't

Well that was an expierence.

I did audition today. My first real world musical theater audition. I wasn't scared. I got a little nervous in the hallway but when I entered the room I was okay. The two men were incredibly friendly. They did seem like they wanted you to do good, as everyone keeps telling me the people behind the table want of you. They even danced and bopped around a bit to the song. But I made a mistake. I asked for my start note and everything was fine; excepting the fact that my throat was incredibly dry (no amount of water beforehand was fixing this) So I sing about 13 of my 16 bars. And my voice cracks. I let it throw me off too. I fucked up. No matter how much you mess up you can't let them know. Yes, they may know the song but if you don't let that mistake get to you then great. You work well under pressure and flubs and whatnot. But I let it mess me up. I made a face, finished the song. Said thank you. They told me it was very sweet and thank you. I thanks the pianist and left. Nothing more, nothing less. Its funny, I am 19 years old, almost twenty in a month and a half (exactly- eek!). Yet, it seemed that I looked too young for what they were looking for. There were girls there who had previously been called back for Tracy, back at the first round of auditions for this tour. The three of them all looked older then me. Standing next to them I looked about 14 or something (not quite so extreme) But they were in their twenties, like 26-ish it seemed. Maybe I need to wait a few years till I look like I'm actually 20 to play 16- since that makes sense. I, right now. look about 16. Thats the average age guessed for when people meet me. Yet, I looked too younf to be this 16 year old girl? At least thats just what it looked like to me. But maybe i'm blind.
Thats okay though. I know what I need to work on. I need to fix this.
I have to be more accepting of the fact that i am not always in perfect voice, more often then not I am not in perfect voice. I cannot let it effect my reactions and I cannot let it pull me out of the moment and ruin what chances I had.
I messed up but I'm learning things still. I learn something new everyday about this "craft" and its for the good of it all. I mean it would have been cool to get a call back but I'm okay with the fact that I didn't. I'm just happy I did it. I went on my first professional audition and I didn't die or cry or scream. I just did what I had to, got the tiniest amount of feedback (how was it sweet I wonder?) I felt the fear and went for it- to quote some cheesy new age self help mantra.
I really thought that if I went it was going to end up being the end of the world. This morning while trying to leave Steph and I went out the building and went to go down the hill to walk to her car so we could drive to the train (she had to be in the city too for something else this morning) I take one step onto the hill and I'm down for the count. I tore my knee completely open. There is a huge gash going almost right down the center of it. I sent Steph down to get the car so she could drive and get herself some money from the ATM while I limped back to the room to see what I did and clean up in the ten minutes I had. My knee and part of my ankle were covered with mud. I cleaned the mud away from my knee, thus discovering the huge cut. Ew, gross, blood. It was a party. Then I moved onto my ankle and its no where near as bad, but it feels more sore, like a twist of whatever. But it wasn't so bad that I couldn't walk or anything. It was fine. I threw some disney princess bandaids on my knee, grabbed a few more incase they were necessary and then left again. Everything is fine now, but this just seemed to me to be one of those signs saying "Stop, turn around, go back to your room. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not audition for Hairspray." I really thought this, coupled with the two hours of sleep I got last night, was God's way of sending me a message. I didn't listen. And I'm the better for it- other then the huge gash going through my knee and the swollen bit of my ankle- but who needs those anyway?

oh dear...




i'm scared. and cold. and shivering and you are too good for that.

"and if i'm inclided to woo her, i'll be damned if i don't do her..."

giggle. that lyric makes me laugh.

off by four minutes.
damn.
12:04, just a moment too late to make the calender date.

i really suck at this game.


but i'm home! atleast for the next 12 hours or so. and that makes me happy.because even though its jersey its home. and thats what matters. i miss this place, because i jsut do.
i miss my family and my room (even though its totally been taken over by jessica's things) and just everything.

but its still jersey.


oh manhattan, how i love being there no matter what (even when its only for an hour and a half running to colony and drama book shop) hmm..... <3

i fear saturday :(

find a place to plant your roots and you will bloom...

I cannot wait till tomorrow. I'm going home for the first time since Labor Day. That was September 4th. Its not October 11th. Quite a long time. Especially when last fall I went home every three weeks or so, and during the spring there was a time I went home every weekend for auditions. 36 days since I've come to North Jersey. I haven't been any further south since, though I have gone more north, New York. But I like New York so much that going there and being there is not a chore, its a reward of sort for being in North Jersey so much. At least thats how I look at it. Plus before I get to go home I get to make a stop in the city so I can buy some sheet music for Saturday. And Friday, aside from getting back to school and going to my one class, will be devoted to practicing and learning. Lets hope Saturday goes well ::crosses fingers::.
Plus I get to see ashow while I'm home for Thursday night- Windy City. Its a musical - I've never heard of it, but whatever.
Seeing Bus Stop tonight. It will be good, I expect. I know I'll be saddened by it but whatever, I'm over the fact that I didn't get into either show (No, I'm not).

But I can lie and say that I am.

I lie a lot. bout everything, the most stupid things. And I don't know why. Things just fly out of my mouth, without my even thinking of them. They just happen.

For someone who can't act I sure can lie.

but theres dawn and dusk and midnight, trust me lots of times caught in between...

anyone reading the headings of my entries is gonna think i'm listening to far too much kerrigan and lowdermilk. they'd be right. ever since starting classes with brian and kait i've been listening to their music a lot more. it's funny that when you get to know people a tiny bit the things they do seem even more amazing. they're just these two regular people, younger then my brother and sister, but they can write these amazing songs. they have such gifts - its insane to think that i met those people, i can pick them out in a crowd and hopefuly they'd recognize me back (i mean its only been a week since). like its almsot hard for me to comprehend- not really though. i just find it amazing. but yeah anyways...

my scene today. we thought we knew what we were doing and that we were so invested in it. we were wrong. i know clare was upset, she really did work very hard. i tried to be connected to everything and be grounded in it and be persuing my objective but sometimes things just don't work out. there are parts you are not meant to play. this was one.
clare was saying she thought it was tough of him to expect sophmores and juniors in college to be able to do chekhov. i agree. i mean i like the scene but i feel like i just could not connect and carry through with anything, especially when the other characters were going about their business. i didn't know how to persue my objective. there are people who have been acting for their entire lives, they still can't do chekhov. i just started really acting with training last semester. what is he expecting of me? of all of us?

whatever.
i was going to go to the city otnight but i really can't be spending the money yet. but I need to get sheet music for saturday's audition. i'm singing "its in his kiss" (aka the shoop shoop song). hopefully it won't suck. i really don't expect anytihng of this audition. but i would like it if it went well. that would be pleasent. a nice way to start off my professional audition career (since when your an actor you make a career of auditions, you just may get employed because of the auditions but more its just that you go on every and any audition you can) oh my life will be an eventufl one... and a poor one. oh well. i love it too much to give up, i think.

loves you should come tomorrow night. bus stop @ fdu staring my lovely roomie.

i did it again. its october 10 according to the calender. but its only 12:20 so its really still monday.
i had a practice for my scene today.Its going to be interesting. I tried, I really have tried but I still feel like I'm falling short. I also still cant' finish my scene that I wrote for playwriting. I don't know what I should change to make Sam a more three dimensional character. At the moment she falls flat and ends up being a mouth piece for the character Jon, and thats not good. shit. this needs to be fixed.

substitution: irena's being upset over her job, her age soon, her possible marriage,and not yet going to moscow-=- my being upset over my career (or lack of), my age soon, my lack of love life, and not going to school in new york. i think it might work.

lets hope.

we'll share every dawn and midnight and each sunday morning drinking chai...

Yesterday night was an interesting one to say the least.
We, meaning Steph, Jim Sarah and I, went to the teaneck campus for a dance. I don't think we'll ever be going back there.
It was frightening. But afterwards we got to see Derek! yay!
It was fun to get all slutted up and just dance for awhile last night though. Forgetting about everything else and just fooling around, moving to the music, staring down the guy inthe red shirt (damn). It was a good time.

But as we were driving up to Teaneck you have to drive up the turnpike, going past New York. I know its stupid, but I just watched. Staring out the window, all I could do was watch. I tried to take a picture of the skyline with my phone but theres only so much one could do as Jim sped down the road. I know I'm being stupid and I keep harping on this idea of being in the city but I just can't let go. I find that whenever I allow my mind to wander it wanders across the river to new york.
I'm going up on Tuesday night. I need to buy sheet music for the audition on Saturday and I really just need to go to the city. I need to not be in Jersey. Why? Because I do.

I'm thinking that I'm just going to go up to the city atleast once a week if possible. I'm going to waste so much money on the traveling but if its the only way I can be happy - I'd rather be poor and happy then financially stable and un.

i will never get drunk enough to strip to "love lift us up.."

it's homecoming. i think we lost the game. but erin won queen. go her.
i believe people want to go to the ghetto campus for some dance thing... i fear for my life in going there.
also i just don't feel like doing anything anymore.
i need something to give me that push and drive to do something.

again its like i'm stagnating here, doing nothing, learning nothing. not growing not anything. blah.

new york strangers stumbling on a moment of connection...

so i already messed up this writing once on every calender date. i've missed october 6th, but its only 3am october 7th. i haven't slept yet, so i still count this as friday.

i really am contemplating this whole transfer thing.
i just feel like if i want to try being in theater i need to be in the city. i can't be stuck here in north jersey for another two years, rotting and trying to learn when i could be in the city not only taking classes in things that matter to me but also taking masterclasses in theater and building up my book and hopefully getting jobs, and if not jobs training at least. just something that doesn't involve sitting here at fdu for me whole life, wasting away to a depressed shell, something i feel like i'm already turning into.
i can't even think about anything without wanting to cry. the only times i didn't feel like crying in the past week was when i was going to brian and kait's class. sure it was because i liked the class, but it was also because i was getting off campus, getting out of jersey, getting into manhattan. all that mattered to me was that i was doing something different from what i do every other day while i'm stuck here in north jersey. i realize that if i were to live in manhattan it would not be sometihng different for me to get excited over, but it would be something different from the past 19 years of new jersey suburbia. this is all i know. and i'm sick of it. i need a change. and a city where space is at a premium and there are 8 million people seems like the place for this change to happen.


i'm auditioning for the national tour of hairspray in one week. i don't think anything will come from it at all, but i really just feel like i need to do something. i need to try. i've never been on a professional audition before and if thats what my life is going to be made of then i need to start now... right?

i know i can't compare but i can try...

Something just broke... I don't know what my problem is. Everything just feels so wrong. Yesterday everything was so good but somehow in the past twentyfour hours it feels like everything has fallen apart from the inside.

Yesterday started out so well, I faked my way through perspectives then left early to get on the train, bought the stuff I needed from the drama bookshop and went to class. Class was great. I tried. I felt like an ass for a bit but I worked and I think I got a little bit better. It takes me some time to put things into action but I did try, no one can doubt that. And I have gotten better, even if its only slightly its still an improvement. I wish there were more then four. I know that would have been crazy expensive but I would have paid, gladly. I'm so sad that they are finished and I don't have a reason to go up to the city every week now, other than jsut tooling around and being fabulous. Anyways, class happened and everything all was well in the world.
Afterwards I was running to McDonalds real quick to get some dinner. I went in, got a chicken wrap. When I was coming out of the bulding and woman ran into me. With Coldstone. Which landed in my bag. She said "Sorry!" and kept running. And I just stood there trying to figure out what the fuck had just happened. I took the bowl and it didn't really look like much landed in my bag so iwas like okay i'll just clean it when i get to the train station. So I started walking and it started to rain. That was okay. It was nice. It was one of the most envigorating expierences I've had in years. Just walking through the city, for two blocks the sidewalk was empty except for me, the thunder and the pouring rain. It was so exhilarating to just be able to walk, not having to worry about bumping into another person even though I was in this place where space is at such a premium there is barely any room to breath normally. I just walked down the street with my head back, facing the clouds and the oncoming rain just feeling everything as it soaked my hair and my skin and my clothes. It was wonderful. I felt so alive for the first time in ages. Then the wind kicked in. And I wasn't alone on the sidewalk anymore. Now people were bumping into me again but with the wind the rain began to fly sideways. It hit me from behind. The entire back of my jeans and shirt were soaked. It started to get uncomfortable. Then it started to fee like needles, it got painful. And it continued that way until I got to Penn. By the time i got to the bathroom of the train station I was dripping on the floor and squeaking with every step I took. I opened up my bag to see the damage the ice cream did.
It was more then just a little. It was almost the whole bowl I'm thinking. And it was all over everything. It went into my binder. It was on every single page. On all the loose sheet music I had, everything. I wanted to cry so badly. Instead I grabbed a bunch of towels and cleaned up as much as i could before the train came. Then when they announced that it was boarding on track 11 I grabbed about 35 paper towels. As soon as I got on that train I went to work. I wiped off every single piece of sheet music I had in there. They all ended up being okay, completely legible, thank god. But at the time I was just so upset. After the ride home I called my mom while I was walking the path. Something about when I was telling her everything just made me want to cry so badly, but I didn't let the tears fall. But she could hear it in my voice. I don't know what my problem was, but it didn't go away. I got back to the room dropped my bag, keys and card and got in the shower thinking the warm water would be a great relaxation and I would stop feeling as I did. It didn't work. I cried in the shower. By the time I finished my eyes were the size of pistachios and painfully red. Then I came back in here, took everything out of my bag and washed it hoping that all the stupid ice cream would come out and I came back here to study for a chemistry test I had this morning.
It was not a great night from then on. I passed out somewhere in the middle of chapter 3.
This morning I woke up studied more, went to class, failed a test that I tried so hard to do well on, and then came back here. It wasn't until I came back here that I allowed myself to think about anything that wasn't revolving around the human body (science and whatnot) and as soon as I thought of anything I wanted to cry. I don't even know why but everything makes me want to cry. I'm just so unhappy and I don't know why. i mean I have an inkling but I'm not positive about anything. I feel like this great outlook on life that I had is falling apart and everytinhg is just kind of gone. And I'm screwed and upset instead. Whatever...

Hunter College- CUNY. Anyone have any info?

i am so not ready for singing tonight.
shit.

I feel like I've lost any acting ability that I might have once had. I just keep feeling like I can't do anything right when it comes to scenes. Last year I was at least satisfied with my work sometimes but now... not so much. We were assigned our fourth scene today. I was given one from Chekov's Three Sisters. I feel like its going to be difficult. I'm just very unsure of myself and that worries me. If from just reading something and past expierence I think I can't do something how is it going to work when I actually need to do it?

Whatever. Tuesday night. Party? Perhaps. Chemistry studying? Definitly.
Awesome. Just like that 5th dimension. Just ask Kyle.

I saw a challenge that somone issued themself on their blog which was to write every day for the entire month of August. Unfortunately they fell short after the first two weeks because of different things going on in their life. But still I thought it was a nice idea. It is now the second day of October. I will try to make a post every calender day. Why?Because I want to. I give myself no guidlines other than that I must write something on here. If it is mindless chatter then obviously nothing worthy of writing about has happened, but thats what happens.

If yesterday was any indication of how eventful the monht of October is going to be... well I fear for the world. Yesterday a lot happened. People were up in arms. A relationship ended. There was screaming. There was hiding in bathrooms. There was no sleep until 5:30 this morning, followed by class at 10 am. It was certainly eventful. I wrote a scene this weekend for playwriting. I actually like it. It's very true to life, in that it actually did happen practically word for word to me. But still I like it. Woohoo.

I'm scared of Wednesday. Actually of Tuesday too. Thursday on top of that. I won't know my lines for tomorrow it feels. Wednesday- I don't know what songs to have ready. Thursday I have a test in chemistry. I don't know what to study.

This will be the longest week evar.

I feel like an idiot. Ignore the audio post below. It was just a test. I am so worried about Sunday. I am going to be so ill-prepared. I can't find a song. I already was informed that my songs pretty much suck for me in general and now to only have not even 4 days to figure out songs.... it sucks so I won't be ready and yeah. I'm jsut that awesome. I also feel like a big douchebag because I sent both Kait and Brian different emails asking questions. Pretty much I just feel like I'm over anxious. Maybe I am but I really just want to do well because I feel like I am the least trained in the ways of professional theater of everyone in the group. Oh well. Going into the city tomorrow with Jess and Jim to see History Boys again. It shall be a grand time.

I'm excited.
Well maybe not excited but I'm learning things.Thats my goal for this year so its good.I'm accomplishing something I set forth for myself to do. Yay and whatnot.
But honestly.I like knowing what is being done wrong. What right. Whats good. Whats bad.
That is the only way one learns. And I want to learn.
And just ignore me. Life is easier.
I really feel like things are getting better for me in the sense that I am trying to not be so down on myself performance wise. I still think I'm a shit actress but I'm feeling better and better about myself more and more. And I'm not thinking that I am the suckiest piece of suck that ever sucked. Or something like that.

fireflies and forget-me-knots

i saw what seems to have been the last lightning bug of the year. maybe there will be more, but it doesnt seem likely. times is moving so fast. i'm now entering the fourth week of school. it seems as though it was just earlier in the week that i was moving in. its already september 17th. this year is moving far too fast. not really in a bad way... just its somewhat disconserting. my life is passing away before my eyes. i know thats somewhat dramatic but still... it feels like everything is just slipping away from me. i know i'm living my life and doing alot of things- not all that i can- but still it seems like times is just going by and i'm accomplishing nothing.
yes i've seen my friends, a great deal of the time, and yes i have learned things. i've seens shows. i've been tot he city. i've gone to parties , i've hosted parties. i've done a lot in the past few weeks but still it feels like nothing has happened. my life seems so stagnant.
i realize i'm contradicting myself in saying that life is moving to fast and being stagnant at the same time- but its true. although time is going quickly it feels like i've done nothing in that time that has passed. perhaps i'm just crazy... oh well.

so i did it. i signed up for the kerrigan and lowdermilk classes. and i am so painfully exctied. and now that i've had a day to think about it i am scared to death. what if i'm not good enough? they work with tony winners and nominees. i know this is a great learning experience but i am so afraid that i'll walk in and be not only the youngest person in the room but also just an idiot and not talented enough. everyone will stare at me and point and laugh at my lack of ability and it'll be a waste of 400 dollars....

then again it also might end up being one of the greatest experiences of my life.
who knows?


also tomorrow: me and some bitches are going to broadway on broadway. and we're going a stalking of some stars (::Michael Arden:: ahem) It will be amazing.

hold on tight with all your strength...

forget this. i'm going to england. but seriously jessica is going on a theater centered trip to london with uarts. other people are allowed to go. i am one of them. from december 26- january 3rd i will be in england. ohmygod. if this works out i will be the happiest of happy people... ever.



i'm holding to you.

wish i could wait...

well. as much as i wanted to get into bus stop or indians it does not seem likely. i didn't get a call back for either show. fuck. i'm just so dissapointed. i really wanted this. i wanted to be given an opportunity to show i could do something. but apparently it's just not meant for me. it just hurts. steph got a callback and i am hapy for her. like thats great but it sucks all the same for me. its like last semester when beth and nicole were kit kat girls and i was just ensemble. its a hurt and its palpable.this just adds to the thoughts that 2006 is the worst year for theater and me ever. ensemble. understudy. nothing (in 2 shows). no new university for theater. nothing. i'm so.... i dont even know what to say other than dissapointed. its the only word thats coming to mind. i jsut hurt. i really wanted this. i really wanted sometihng to do. i wanted a show to be in. i wanted something. and now i cant even take the kerrigan and lowdermilk classes, the michael cassara classes or voice lessons probably because they're $70 an hour. way too much for me or my parents to afford i think. i thought this semester was gonna be a great time with my friends and a show and just all around greatness.
i was wrong on one front. lets see if the other lasts.

it's the same in any language...

So I took some time off from this. Partly because I was busy. And partly because I forgot my password. I am that good. But anyways I am now back to school. I had my first three classes already. They seem like they'll be good for me. The chem class might be a bit much but the core 2 class is mostly reading the musical theater is like a dream course for me. Now I just have acting 2, playwriting, chem lab, and chorus left to start. They'll be good I hope, and all will turn out well. Thus far this year has been good- meaning the past 5 days. I was at school Tuesday thru Sunday morning. I have been with my friends every day and every night. We've had fun. Hanging out. Having parties. Anything and everything. It's just been a good time. At first I was wary of going back cause it seemed like things were getting off on a bad foot but now everything seems great.

Also, incase you didn't know, last sunday I was being stupid and taking silverware out of a package and I slipped. I sliced my hand open with a knife. I had to take my second trip to the emergency room in my life. I ended up getting seven stiches in my left hand, right below my ring finger. It will be an ugly scar, completely marring my wedding pictures (if I do get married) but that's okay. Mederma will be my best friend very soon- as soon as I get the stiches out tomorrow or Tuesday before going back to school.

Wednesday is audition day for Bus Stop and Indians. I want to get in. I'd like to get into both. But honestly I want to be in just one. I want a part. I want to be given an opportunity to show what I can do. I think Indians would be the better choice for audition scene just because less people are doing them, but even after reading it numerous times I am still confused by it. I get the general jist of it but still I am mystified by the goings on. I guess tomorrow will be dedicated to reading it again since I am not likely to be going into the water with my stiches. But in reality I want to be challenged. I want a part that I can really do sometihng with.I know I might not be the greatest actress yet- but I will try and work harder then anyone may think possible. I just want to stretch my legs, short as trhey may be. Hollis and Rob, please give me something to sink my teeth into, something that will require real acting. Or even just a part that will look good on a resume. Oh well...

"I can't give you anything but love..."

I finally got to see Dimple. Its been ages. I've missed hanging out with her. We've been lacking in it all summer which is sad. But I slept over and today we did lunch/ borders and it was nice. She tried to tell me to give my number to the boy behind the counter in the coffee store at borders. I kind of wanted to. He was my style and he was funny. We joked for a heartbeat. But I couldn't do it. I have such a fear of rejection that I won't even let myself get near it. I refuse to allow myself to be hurt so I won't even open the door to oportunity. Its a really poor choise on my part since anything could happen. I always assume that whatever can go wrong will in my life- especially relationships. I can't stand to think that maybe just this once something will go right and work out in my favor. I prefer to assume that nothing will work and I can stay in my own little corner being the single bitch. But in truth thats not enough for me . I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want a boy. I want a boy to like me and for me to like him back and for him to not be afraid to say it and for me to not be afraid to risk it. Maybe I'm just too picky. Maybe I should stop having such high standards- maybe I can't afford to have high standards. Take what I can get and be thankful for it. But I hate to think that I'm going to be forced to settle.
Its strange. I'm not yet twenty. But I feel like I need to be thinking sbout things in terms of forever and the rest of my life. In terms fo career I have no idea where I'm going. Theater and music are not the most dependable of career choices- neither is politics. I'm pretty much shooting myself in the foot for a job. I might as well damn myself to being a cracker barrel cashier for the rest of my life. But in the case of relationships... like every girl I have my perfect wedding in my head. I know my kids names. I know what I want in a man. But I dont think the kind of man I want to be with will want me back. I really do feel like I'm setting my sights to high and ultimately I will be let down. I want to settle down now. I want a life with someone before I start my career. Not to say that I'm out searching for someone who I will spend the rest of my life with right now at this very moment. But if I were to find someone and they were what I was looking for and I worked for them too... I wouldn't be adverse to stopping with the search.
This probably makes no sense. I have a habit of just writing whatever thought is in my head even if they don't all string together very well. But its true I don't want to be forced to settling for something less then I want- but I do want to settle down. Again, I'm rambling. is time to do... something else. Farewell...

"i miss the way summertime used to feel"

i think i know why this summer dissapointed me so much. it was the official change. my friends and i have drifted ... not completely but enough that we dont need to se eeach other all the time. we've gotten used to going months without face to face contact os its really not necessary for us to feel close anymore. all we need is a quick stop by the facebook or myspace and we're good for the time being. it makes me sad. i miss us and the way we used to crave hang out time. a trip to the diner was always welcome. this usmmer started that way but it seems that as time has gone on things have changed. we had our fill.. now we're getting back to that distant place where we dont need each other as much so when we go back to school we won't go into shock- not seeing our friends anymore. but maybe this is just me because i've been trapped in the shell that is aida this summer. it wrapped me up and held me tight through a week ago. then i was away for a week. now i'm back in burlington and people ar eleaving for school already. i missed out...
but honestly i was on my addiction (postsecret- one of my addictions) and i saw a card. it said "i miss the way summertime used to feel." i want to write one to this person with only two words on it.
"me too." because i miss everything about summers in the past. this summer i've been lacking in friend time and its sorely missed. even though i had a job with more flexible hours and easier schedule i still feel like it took over my life- at least for the first half of the season. i just miss the way things were in the summers between junior year and senior year and college. its not that things were simple- because life never is. but everything just felt easier. and not that i'm lazy but right now every thing just seems like such a challenge. like not only do i have to try so hard to see my friends from home theres also the friends from school to try and see. i have failed miserably at both, opting instead to spend majority of my time this summer with a group of people who are so strange- but i love anyway, as you must love theater people. but still... as much as i needed to expierence what i did this usmmer- i would trade it to spend more time with my friends in a heartbeat. i miss us.

I'm a mess. I'm a wreck.

I've been meaning to get one of these for ages. I never got around to it- until now.

I return to Fairleigh Dickinson in two weeks time. Not much. It feel like this summer vacation was nothing. I haven't seen my friends as much as I'd like. Some not at all. I haven't made nearly enough money. Everything just feels somewhat off. But I guess thats what will happen when you're gone for months at a time, spending them with people that your friends from home don't know or understand. But maybe thats just me.

In the past month I've been thinking a lot. More so than normal, and since I'm an overly analytical person alreayd that says much. But I've just been thinking about everything thats gone on and happened to me since I turned 19.

November 28, 2005. It was not a good day. I only had 2 classes that day, the morning class was history, nto too bad, the afternoon Voice for the Actor. A class I liked. Voice hadn't been the same since Nikki left FDU but I was getting used to it after a few weeks. I still had Danielle to keep me sane. But that day she wasn't there. I remember her having gotten into a car accident that day- minor but still interupting daily life. So class was just class. I went to dinner with Steph. We had wanted to do sometihng- I wanted to go to the city.But she had a paper to write for Dong-Shin. So I said I'd go to my room, do my work and when she finished we'd find a party to go to or people to hang out with.
She never called. It turned out the paper took more time then anticipated. So much so that it took over my birthday. Leaving me in my room with my roommates not knowing what to do to cure my melancholy. I didn't let them. I didn't let anyone know how dissapointed I was or depressed I was over the fact that my first birthday away from home, in college and without my family to celebrate with was horribly. Not only substandard but just an echo of how alone I felt. No one was there for me... or at least thats how it felt. I cried after everyone from the suite was in bed. I creid not only for myself and for what was going on at that time, but just for what I feared my year would be like. I cried for fear that if I didn't then I would end up spending the rest of my 19th year wishing I could cry but not pulling through.

My fears seems to have come through. I've realized that I havne't just spent my 19th year wishing I could cry, but actually crying thus far. Nothing has exactly gone my way and it feels as though nothing will. In everything I've tried this year I haven't succeeded. I haven't failed- at least not in all cases- but I definitly have not come out the winner.
In my employment- I did not get hired by Show Place. I was "let go" by Grassroots. I work part-time as a cashier at Cracker Barrel.
In the theater- I was one of three female "ensemble" cast in Cabaret. I did not even get a call back for Seussical/ Scarlet Pimpernel / CATS. I was asked that if anyone was to quit would I be willing to come in as a possible replacement for Music Man. I was an "understudy/ensemble" in Aida. I fear for what will happen this fall- I want to be in Indians so badly.
I feel as though my friends are distant- not by choice but by situation.

Its as though the things that matter to me are slowly falling away and apart. Leaving me here as a complete mess... or as close to a mess as I'll allow myself to be. I don't want the rest of 19 to be like this. I need to change my stars and my fate and my attitude and everything. But how?