"I can't give you anything but love..."

I finally got to see Dimple. Its been ages. I've missed hanging out with her. We've been lacking in it all summer which is sad. But I slept over and today we did lunch/ borders and it was nice. She tried to tell me to give my number to the boy behind the counter in the coffee store at borders. I kind of wanted to. He was my style and he was funny. We joked for a heartbeat. But I couldn't do it. I have such a fear of rejection that I won't even let myself get near it. I refuse to allow myself to be hurt so I won't even open the door to oportunity. Its a really poor choise on my part since anything could happen. I always assume that whatever can go wrong will in my life- especially relationships. I can't stand to think that maybe just this once something will go right and work out in my favor. I prefer to assume that nothing will work and I can stay in my own little corner being the single bitch. But in truth thats not enough for me . I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want a boy. I want a boy to like me and for me to like him back and for him to not be afraid to say it and for me to not be afraid to risk it. Maybe I'm just too picky. Maybe I should stop having such high standards- maybe I can't afford to have high standards. Take what I can get and be thankful for it. But I hate to think that I'm going to be forced to settle.
Its strange. I'm not yet twenty. But I feel like I need to be thinking sbout things in terms of forever and the rest of my life. In terms fo career I have no idea where I'm going. Theater and music are not the most dependable of career choices- neither is politics. I'm pretty much shooting myself in the foot for a job. I might as well damn myself to being a cracker barrel cashier for the rest of my life. But in the case of relationships... like every girl I have my perfect wedding in my head. I know my kids names. I know what I want in a man. But I dont think the kind of man I want to be with will want me back. I really do feel like I'm setting my sights to high and ultimately I will be let down. I want to settle down now. I want a life with someone before I start my career. Not to say that I'm out searching for someone who I will spend the rest of my life with right now at this very moment. But if I were to find someone and they were what I was looking for and I worked for them too... I wouldn't be adverse to stopping with the search.
This probably makes no sense. I have a habit of just writing whatever thought is in my head even if they don't all string together very well. But its true I don't want to be forced to settling for something less then I want- but I do want to settle down. Again, I'm rambling. is time to do... something else. Farewell...