Totally Fucked is my new theme song I think.
I'm listening to it on repeat. Its the shit.
anyways, yesterday was good for me.
I got the music I need. I got the play I wanted. I got to look at the school I want. I got to see Ms.Pam. I got to hang out with Matt. and I got to see The Times They Are A'Changin'. I was happy. I was content. I was in the city. Manhattan really is my favorite place in the world. I'm not such a snob that I'll condemn every other city in the world to being horrible (like someone I know- Matt?) but it is my favorite that I've been to. I know I'm not well traveled but it just seems to me that there is this magic about Manhattan, and it might exist in other places but thats where I love it. There's a sameness that comforting about the city, but there's also this constant change that is so amazing. The streets are the same, the buildings are the same, but the people and the sounds and the atmosphere- its always different. From minute to minute it changes. I find it so fascinating. I just... it feels like home.
I love my real home. South Jersey always has my heart, but I really have no love for North jersey. Its just kind of here. Its the part of New Jersey that always gets made fun of by people who don't know anything about Jersey. All I really like here are my friends. School wise and classes wise the only one I really like right now is Musical Theatre Workshop- and that teacher is not from here. He's an adjunct. He's from- you guessed it, Manhattan! He takes the train here every Friday to teach my class, and then he goes back home on the train once more. I used to like my acting class, but now not so much. I feel like I just can't connect with anything acting wise. I'm tempted to change my major to music. Become a vocal performer, just a singer. I can emote and act when I sing but when theres only words on a page, no music, it feels like somethings missing. And everyone can see that something is missing. I'm just lacking. Sucking.
At least thats how it feels. And thats why Hunter could be good for me. They have a Music- Vocal Perf. major. I want that. Here there's a music minor. A whole 18 credits. You get credits for taking voice lessons and being in chorus- I could already have 8 credits toward that minor. Thats gross cause I haven't taken any real music classes. I just want a real program. I love to sing.It is my favorite thing in the world. As much as I love to dance and act there is nothign that compares to singing for me. It gives me the greatest feeling in the world. I can stand there and just let everything out through these melodies and words that, even though someone else wrote them, fit so perfect with what I want to convey and express. And even if they aren't appropriate with what I'm feeling at that moment I can make it seem like it is. I can connect so much better with songs then I can with regular speaking. I know thats weird because its not like we communicate through songs in real life but I'm just better at it. I can emote and express myself through song better then I ever can through words...
Wow, that got ranty and went to a completely different place then I originally expected it to. Oh well, so it goes.
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