Something just broke... I don't know what my problem is. Everything just feels so wrong. Yesterday everything was so good but somehow in the past twentyfour hours it feels like everything has fallen apart from the inside.
Yesterday started out so well, I faked my way through perspectives then left early to get on the train, bought the stuff I needed from the drama bookshop and went to class. Class was great. I tried. I felt like an ass for a bit but I worked and I think I got a little bit better. It takes me some time to put things into action but I did try, no one can doubt that. And I have gotten better, even if its only slightly its still an improvement. I wish there were more then four. I know that would have been crazy expensive but I would have paid, gladly. I'm so sad that they are finished and I don't have a reason to go up to the city every week now, other than jsut tooling around and being fabulous. Anyways, class happened and everything all was well in the world.
Afterwards I was running to McDonalds real quick to get some dinner. I went in, got a chicken wrap. When I was coming out of the bulding and woman ran into me. With Coldstone. Which landed in my bag. She said "Sorry!" and kept running. And I just stood there trying to figure out what the fuck had just happened. I took the bowl and it didn't really look like much landed in my bag so iwas like okay i'll just clean it when i get to the train station. So I started walking and it started to rain. That was okay. It was nice. It was one of the most envigorating expierences I've had in years. Just walking through the city, for two blocks the sidewalk was empty except for me, the thunder and the pouring rain. It was so exhilarating to just be able to walk, not having to worry about bumping into another person even though I was in this place where space is at such a premium there is barely any room to breath normally. I just walked down the street with my head back, facing the clouds and the oncoming rain just feeling everything as it soaked my hair and my skin and my clothes. It was wonderful. I felt so alive for the first time in ages. Then the wind kicked in. And I wasn't alone on the sidewalk anymore. Now people were bumping into me again but with the wind the rain began to fly sideways. It hit me from behind. The entire back of my jeans and shirt were soaked. It started to get uncomfortable. Then it started to fee like needles, it got painful. And it continued that way until I got to Penn. By the time i got to the bathroom of the train station I was dripping on the floor and squeaking with every step I took. I opened up my bag to see the damage the ice cream did.
It was more then just a little. It was almost the whole bowl I'm thinking. And it was all over everything. It went into my binder. It was on every single page. On all the loose sheet music I had, everything. I wanted to cry so badly. Instead I grabbed a bunch of towels and cleaned up as much as i could before the train came. Then when they announced that it was boarding on track 11 I grabbed about 35 paper towels. As soon as I got on that train I went to work. I wiped off every single piece of sheet music I had in there. They all ended up being okay, completely legible, thank god. But at the time I was just so upset. After the ride home I called my mom while I was walking the path. Something about when I was telling her everything just made me want to cry so badly, but I didn't let the tears fall. But she could hear it in my voice. I don't know what my problem was, but it didn't go away. I got back to the room dropped my bag, keys and card and got in the shower thinking the warm water would be a great relaxation and I would stop feeling as I did. It didn't work. I cried in the shower. By the time I finished my eyes were the size of pistachios and painfully red. Then I came back in here, took everything out of my bag and washed it hoping that all the stupid ice cream would come out and I came back here to study for a chemistry test I had this morning.
It was not a great night from then on. I passed out somewhere in the middle of chapter 3.
This morning I woke up studied more, went to class, failed a test that I tried so hard to do well on, and then came back here. It wasn't until I came back here that I allowed myself to think about anything that wasn't revolving around the human body (science and whatnot) and as soon as I thought of anything I wanted to cry. I don't even know why but everything makes me want to cry. I'm just so unhappy and I don't know why. i mean I have an inkling but I'm not positive about anything. I feel like this great outlook on life that I had is falling apart and everytinhg is just kind of gone. And I'm screwed and upset instead. Whatever...
Hunter College- CUNY. Anyone have any info?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment