holy shit/

i am hyperventilating due to excitement right now.


ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod.



amazingggg!





oh and happy new year to everyone after today.
<3.

And They Called Me The Alternative...

A mix I just made.
It is my happiness.

Just Stay - Kevin Devine
Passing Afternoon - Iron & Wine
Come Down - Dan Mangan
Cara Mia - Annie Hayden
Spark the Fire - Kira Fontana
Jen Is Bringing the Drugs - Margot & the Nuclear So and So's
Our Life Is Not A Movie or Maybe - Okkervil River
Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez
Anyway - In Flight Radio
The Fisherman's King - Los Halos
It's So True - Spain
Heaven Is A Word - Carla Werner
California One/ Youth and Beauty Brigade - The Decemberists
I Felt Your Shape - Microphones
Naked As We Came - Iron & Wine
High As A Kite - The Pernice Brothers


its good.

Dear you,

It was the idea of you rather than the actuality. I didn't really feel for you but rather enoyed the feeling of someone else feeling for me first, before I did for them- a new experience for me. I don't want to hurt you, but the truth needs to be out. I never was as interested in you as you were in me. It is the way of the world and of feelings. We cannot help who we fall for, but as I've learned many times over, we also cannot make anyone fall for us. So try as you may, it is not happening, at least not likely. I don't feel the same way you do. And also the proclaimed intensity of your supposed feelings scares me. For barely really knowing me, you certainly claim to love me more than I am comfortable with, and probably ever will be. So really, please stop. With the proclamations and attempts and everything. Back away- slowly. With your dignity still entact, at least what remains of it.

Best.
Caitlin.

Amazed.

I am amazed at life and all its curiosities...
All the many moments that make up everything once they are strung together. That's all that life is, isn't it? Putting small pieces together to make up the whole.
Can life be broken down that way? Truly? Into tiny moments. Each a small snapshot of one happening in a lifetime.
If my life was to be broken down into moments, snapshots, wat would it really look like? Embarassing? Joyous? Laughable? Upsetting? Disconcerting? Or would every picture be a plethora of emotions and feelings? A collection of everything covered by the entire spectrum of human emotion? WOuld there be pictures of moments that I don't remember? Can there be events that shape ones personality and life that they don't even remember? What would that be for me?
If only I knew...

old

I've been cleaning lately. During that process I found an old writing book of mine.
Within the book I found something I wrote, a long time ago. And I really like it.
I usually don't like much of anything I write but I like this... a lot.

I listen to these songs on repeat. Some of them aren't even particularly good. But they evoke those "good" feelings, which is all that really matters. They make me think of us- of you. Of everything that could've been, that never was. Of everything I ruined.
I listen to these songs on repeat and I wonder is anything could be different. If I had sung a different song, if you have put on a different radio station how would things have changed? Would there have been any difference at all? Could I have prevented this entire situation by a change from PST to B101? Or would Night Moods have done it?
It was raining all day yesterday. I tried not to think about the weather. If I let the black skies and falling drops into my mind I wouldn't have been able to think of anything but the night we met. When we talked for hours in the rainstorm, relaxing under a cloudy sky. We were praying to not be hit by lightning but still were fascinated by the jagged lines of light cutting through the sky every few moments.

The perfect guy would buy me jewelry and bouncy balls from vending machines.
Sing into my voicemail at three a.m. because he was up thinking of me.
And when we are stuck in the rain he would ask me to dance.
He would be beautiful.