David Blaine (or Mitch Silpa) is my hero.

Street Magic.....
its crazyyyyyy







amazing...

I've heard people talk. They say they don't understand the whole 'blogging' thing. They can't wrap their head around it. They wouldn't know what to write.
Who said you need to know?
Since when were there rules about what you could write.
I honestly don't come in here (and I obviously am using the word 'in' loosely) with a plan.
I just start somewhere, write a bit, and end up somewhere else.
Its just the way things go.


But yeah... thats all.


I'm not sure what I should do about this situation.
I'm close to giving up and retreating again but I want to persue too.
I hate decisions, especially ones that no body else can make for me.
Damned things with the stuff.

I've been thinking that I want to go up to New York and make bad decisions again.
I felt stupid immediately afterward but really in retrospect it was fun.
And I could go for some fun, now.
But I won't.
I won't end up going back up there until December when its time for Mattttttt's birthday.
When we will both be 21 and get blissfully inebriated, legally too.
ANd who knows who I'll meet then...
Lets hope for someone,
And if not then, than even sooner.


I really jsut need a kiss,
I know I already said this, but I am the broken record.
And i know what I want, what I need.
So somebody, some boy needs to fix this. Please. For my sanity.

I know who I'd like it to be , but thats not going to happen. Defintily not yet and possibly never with the idiocy I portray.
Ugh. Why am I me?

Its 3 am, I must be lonely...

So i've been thinking about it.

Time goes by far too fast.
At least it does now.
Last year time crawled. It went at a turtles pace and I hated it. I just wanted it to be done.
Here I love it, and its flying by.
But I still want it to be done- or as close to done as possible.
Like... November 28 perhaps?
That would be quite plesant.
Verily.


Now, I still can't sleep.
I've been laying here trying.
And nothing working. So I've slightly given up.
I now am laying here in the dark praying that this fan will cool me down slightly and that sleep will come.
But I'm listening to old Starting Line. (Its a nostalgic thing)

I could probably go into the kitchen upstairs to try and get a bit of work done for Fielder's class Friday.
But I'd rather not have an extreme exposure to all the mold as it was uncovered behind our cabinets this morning when "Maint. Frank" as he refers to himself, pulled all of our cabinets off the wall and down from the ceiling to make room for the new ones, to be installed.... soon.
Today lets hope.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I've been thinking.
I am going to be 21 in a little over a month.
That is a big birthday.
Its one of the milestone years.
I could go out and get trashed legally, and then gamble my life away in Atlantic City.
I won't.... the gambling part at least.
But I jsut feel like I am so lackign in life experiences for someone my age.
I mean there is plenty I have done that others haven't or I'm equal with other people.
But for the most part I feel like I'm behind the curve.
I want to catch up.
I just don't know how.
Its hard to explain.
And I'm not sure how to say it.

But yeah....



And also I really need to be kissed.
I just really want someone to kiss me.
It doesn't matter who he is (well thats a lie) but I want to be kissed.
Just good and kissed. Now.

Someone work on that for me, would ya?




Oh and I'm totaly school girl crushing on someone a little tiny tin bit cause he's mostly amazing, with the exception of a few tiny things.... but I like those tiny things too. For the most part.
Ugh I'm a loser.

For now , I scooted closer, until we were touching. Knee to knee, arm to arm, forehead to forehead. I leaned in for once, instead of away, appreciating the pull I felt there, something almost magnetic that held us to each other. I knew it would always be there, no matter how much of the world I put between us. That strong sense of what we shared, good and bad, that led us to here, where my own story began.

give me some credit...
please?


like... maybe?




it seems that i get taken advantage of.
people dont give credit where credit is due.
i do what is needed and someone else claims it was all them.
or they gloss over me.
or ignore me.
or whatever.

and it kinda sucks.



this is fairly unprovoked.
i just felt it needed saying.


i should get back to studying.


but i really don't want to.

i can't wait to go to fd tomorrow.
i'm just kind of scared.
i dont know why... but i have this irrational fear that everyone will be like "you left? seriously? i didn't even notice..."
my paranoia at an all time high.
if that does happen it will most definitly back up my irrational fear that i dont matter.
because i do have one-
i'm insanely paranoid that i am making no mark on this world, and on no one in it.
they may say i am but wheres the proof?
i know i've never een one for math or science but they do have one good thing- empirical evidence.
you can't knock that down....
but what people say- that can be pushed away with the flourish of a hand.

hmm...
back to survey.

i should be asleep and yet...

quite obviously i am not. or since i am awake i should be working on my analysis of buying time.
and yet again- obivously i am not. i am here. on blogger whom i have neelected this past week.
it is now october (sick right?) time is going by so quickly. i feel like i never have time to do anything but school work.
which i know is completely untrue but it just sounds so dramatic i felt it necessary to say.
but honestly i have a ton of work. due within the next three days.
a costume design project due wednesday.
an anaylsis of buy time due thursday.
a survey of theater test on 4 units friday.
since when was art school supposed to be hard? honestly...
but i will get it all done.
the design project is pretty much complete. and my design is pretty kickass if you ask me.
I chose Dog Sees God as the play I was designing for and the specific character who i had to do rendering of is CB'c Sister (aka Sally from Peanuts) I chose her from the beginning of the play when she is in her goth phase.
My concept of her is very Gothic Lolita- a lot of black and red and a babydoll dress with a minitop hat. hot.

I cannot wait till this weekend.
FDU here I come.
I miss them all so much.
Like seriously that place was my life for two whole years.
ANd then to be cut off completely like this.
I haven't set foot on that campus since May, which may not seem like a long time
But for me to have not seen my friends since then- it seems like an eternity.
There is only so much catching up and bonding one can do over the phone and the internet.
Face to face is always better that facebook to facebook.

This past weekend I went to College Day on the Parkway. It was kinda eh- but everyone else came too.
And by everyone else I mean home friends.
It was Colleen, Feesh, Erin, Amy, Minkus and I. Reunitied and it feels so good.
But seriously it as so great to see them all.
If only the rest of the group could've made it.
But alas they could not so we made due and quite obviously survived...
Unless I'm writing this from beyond the graveeee (you can't hear it but that totally meant to be read in the creepy cliche voice used on tv for things like that. i swear it was funny in my head)

I am starting to feel bogged down under the weight of my responsibilities.
And they aren't even that many.
But I just have so much to do all the time.
Today I had class from 11:30-2:20, work study from 2:20-5-ish, and ballet from 5:30-7. and then i came back here and had my first meal of the day. it was not a wise move to go to ballet without eating anything. but i didn't get a break all day so thats what happens. tomorrow (or today at this point) will be better. 2 classes, one at 1 and one at 5:30. Costumes and Modern. And inbetween it will be filled with Buying Time analysis. ANd I will not be distracted by instant messenger or myspace (i'll use ichat and facebook instead! hah.)


it completely amazes me how much i can connect with a song or with a written piece. or with anything....
its inspiring really.

i've decided if i can find a collaborator.. somewhere. i'd really like to use this play i've started as my senior project.
i know thats atleast three years away but i started writing this and i feel really good about it, better than i did about the postsecret project which i loved with all my heart while i was doing it. the ostsecret project is the reason i'm here i think. amy actually laughed when she was reading some of the monologues, and looked thoughtful during others- and at the appropriate times. it was pretty sweet. i was so nervous about those... and then to hav eher approval of sort and then to get in here based on that and now to get my scholarship based on my prospective excellence... its a big vote of confidence from her and gene that i don't know that i truely deserve but i will gladly take with open arms, because i need it.
i have no confidence most of the time in my own work...

but what i'm writing right now...
i really like it.
and if i only had someone who could write music we'd be set.
i already have lyrics for two songs and additional scenes.
plus majority of the story mapped out.
and on paper- not just in my head!
how could i go about finding someone to work with.
i mean, its not like i go to a university with an entire schoolvof music attached...
wait a minute...