I'm a mess. I'm a wreck.

I've been meaning to get one of these for ages. I never got around to it- until now.

I return to Fairleigh Dickinson in two weeks time. Not much. It feel like this summer vacation was nothing. I haven't seen my friends as much as I'd like. Some not at all. I haven't made nearly enough money. Everything just feels somewhat off. But I guess thats what will happen when you're gone for months at a time, spending them with people that your friends from home don't know or understand. But maybe thats just me.

In the past month I've been thinking a lot. More so than normal, and since I'm an overly analytical person alreayd that says much. But I've just been thinking about everything thats gone on and happened to me since I turned 19.

November 28, 2005. It was not a good day. I only had 2 classes that day, the morning class was history, nto too bad, the afternoon Voice for the Actor. A class I liked. Voice hadn't been the same since Nikki left FDU but I was getting used to it after a few weeks. I still had Danielle to keep me sane. But that day she wasn't there. I remember her having gotten into a car accident that day- minor but still interupting daily life. So class was just class. I went to dinner with Steph. We had wanted to do sometihng- I wanted to go to the city.But she had a paper to write for Dong-Shin. So I said I'd go to my room, do my work and when she finished we'd find a party to go to or people to hang out with.
She never called. It turned out the paper took more time then anticipated. So much so that it took over my birthday. Leaving me in my room with my roommates not knowing what to do to cure my melancholy. I didn't let them. I didn't let anyone know how dissapointed I was or depressed I was over the fact that my first birthday away from home, in college and without my family to celebrate with was horribly. Not only substandard but just an echo of how alone I felt. No one was there for me... or at least thats how it felt. I cried after everyone from the suite was in bed. I creid not only for myself and for what was going on at that time, but just for what I feared my year would be like. I cried for fear that if I didn't then I would end up spending the rest of my 19th year wishing I could cry but not pulling through.

My fears seems to have come through. I've realized that I havne't just spent my 19th year wishing I could cry, but actually crying thus far. Nothing has exactly gone my way and it feels as though nothing will. In everything I've tried this year I haven't succeeded. I haven't failed- at least not in all cases- but I definitly have not come out the winner.
In my employment- I did not get hired by Show Place. I was "let go" by Grassroots. I work part-time as a cashier at Cracker Barrel.
In the theater- I was one of three female "ensemble" cast in Cabaret. I did not even get a call back for Seussical/ Scarlet Pimpernel / CATS. I was asked that if anyone was to quit would I be willing to come in as a possible replacement for Music Man. I was an "understudy/ensemble" in Aida. I fear for what will happen this fall- I want to be in Indians so badly.
I feel as though my friends are distant- not by choice but by situation.

Its as though the things that matter to me are slowly falling away and apart. Leaving me here as a complete mess... or as close to a mess as I'll allow myself to be. I don't want the rest of 19 to be like this. I need to change my stars and my fate and my attitude and everything. But how?