I feel like an idiot. Ignore the audio post below. It was just a test. I am so worried about Sunday. I am going to be so ill-prepared. I can't find a song. I already was informed that my songs pretty much suck for me in general and now to only have not even 4 days to figure out songs.... it sucks so I won't be ready and yeah. I'm jsut that awesome. I also feel like a big douchebag because I sent both Kait and Brian different emails asking questions. Pretty much I just feel like I'm over anxious. Maybe I am but I really just want to do well because I feel like I am the least trained in the ways of professional theater of everyone in the group. Oh well. Going into the city tomorrow with Jess and Jim to see History Boys again. It shall be a grand time.

I'm excited.
Well maybe not excited but I'm learning things.Thats my goal for this year so its good.I'm accomplishing something I set forth for myself to do. Yay and whatnot.
But honestly.I like knowing what is being done wrong. What right. Whats good. Whats bad.
That is the only way one learns. And I want to learn.
And just ignore me. Life is easier.
I really feel like things are getting better for me in the sense that I am trying to not be so down on myself performance wise. I still think I'm a shit actress but I'm feeling better and better about myself more and more. And I'm not thinking that I am the suckiest piece of suck that ever sucked. Or something like that.

fireflies and forget-me-knots

i saw what seems to have been the last lightning bug of the year. maybe there will be more, but it doesnt seem likely. times is moving so fast. i'm now entering the fourth week of school. it seems as though it was just earlier in the week that i was moving in. its already september 17th. this year is moving far too fast. not really in a bad way... just its somewhat disconserting. my life is passing away before my eyes. i know thats somewhat dramatic but still... it feels like everything is just slipping away from me. i know i'm living my life and doing alot of things- not all that i can- but still it seems like times is just going by and i'm accomplishing nothing.
yes i've seen my friends, a great deal of the time, and yes i have learned things. i've seens shows. i've been tot he city. i've gone to parties , i've hosted parties. i've done a lot in the past few weeks but still it feels like nothing has happened. my life seems so stagnant.
i realize i'm contradicting myself in saying that life is moving to fast and being stagnant at the same time- but its true. although time is going quickly it feels like i've done nothing in that time that has passed. perhaps i'm just crazy... oh well.

so i did it. i signed up for the kerrigan and lowdermilk classes. and i am so painfully exctied. and now that i've had a day to think about it i am scared to death. what if i'm not good enough? they work with tony winners and nominees. i know this is a great learning experience but i am so afraid that i'll walk in and be not only the youngest person in the room but also just an idiot and not talented enough. everyone will stare at me and point and laugh at my lack of ability and it'll be a waste of 400 dollars....

then again it also might end up being one of the greatest experiences of my life.
who knows?


also tomorrow: me and some bitches are going to broadway on broadway. and we're going a stalking of some stars (::Michael Arden:: ahem) It will be amazing.

hold on tight with all your strength...

forget this. i'm going to england. but seriously jessica is going on a theater centered trip to london with uarts. other people are allowed to go. i am one of them. from december 26- january 3rd i will be in england. ohmygod. if this works out i will be the happiest of happy people... ever.



i'm holding to you.

wish i could wait...

well. as much as i wanted to get into bus stop or indians it does not seem likely. i didn't get a call back for either show. fuck. i'm just so dissapointed. i really wanted this. i wanted to be given an opportunity to show i could do something. but apparently it's just not meant for me. it just hurts. steph got a callback and i am hapy for her. like thats great but it sucks all the same for me. its like last semester when beth and nicole were kit kat girls and i was just ensemble. its a hurt and its palpable.this just adds to the thoughts that 2006 is the worst year for theater and me ever. ensemble. understudy. nothing (in 2 shows). no new university for theater. nothing. i'm so.... i dont even know what to say other than dissapointed. its the only word thats coming to mind. i jsut hurt. i really wanted this. i really wanted sometihng to do. i wanted a show to be in. i wanted something. and now i cant even take the kerrigan and lowdermilk classes, the michael cassara classes or voice lessons probably because they're $70 an hour. way too much for me or my parents to afford i think. i thought this semester was gonna be a great time with my friends and a show and just all around greatness.
i was wrong on one front. lets see if the other lasts.

it's the same in any language...

So I took some time off from this. Partly because I was busy. And partly because I forgot my password. I am that good. But anyways I am now back to school. I had my first three classes already. They seem like they'll be good for me. The chem class might be a bit much but the core 2 class is mostly reading the musical theater is like a dream course for me. Now I just have acting 2, playwriting, chem lab, and chorus left to start. They'll be good I hope, and all will turn out well. Thus far this year has been good- meaning the past 5 days. I was at school Tuesday thru Sunday morning. I have been with my friends every day and every night. We've had fun. Hanging out. Having parties. Anything and everything. It's just been a good time. At first I was wary of going back cause it seemed like things were getting off on a bad foot but now everything seems great.

Also, incase you didn't know, last sunday I was being stupid and taking silverware out of a package and I slipped. I sliced my hand open with a knife. I had to take my second trip to the emergency room in my life. I ended up getting seven stiches in my left hand, right below my ring finger. It will be an ugly scar, completely marring my wedding pictures (if I do get married) but that's okay. Mederma will be my best friend very soon- as soon as I get the stiches out tomorrow or Tuesday before going back to school.

Wednesday is audition day for Bus Stop and Indians. I want to get in. I'd like to get into both. But honestly I want to be in just one. I want a part. I want to be given an opportunity to show what I can do. I think Indians would be the better choice for audition scene just because less people are doing them, but even after reading it numerous times I am still confused by it. I get the general jist of it but still I am mystified by the goings on. I guess tomorrow will be dedicated to reading it again since I am not likely to be going into the water with my stiches. But in reality I want to be challenged. I want a part that I can really do sometihng with.I know I might not be the greatest actress yet- but I will try and work harder then anyone may think possible. I just want to stretch my legs, short as trhey may be. Hollis and Rob, please give me something to sink my teeth into, something that will require real acting. Or even just a part that will look good on a resume. Oh well...