holy shit/

i am hyperventilating due to excitement right now.


ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod.



amazingggg!





oh and happy new year to everyone after today.
<3.

And They Called Me The Alternative...

A mix I just made.
It is my happiness.

Just Stay - Kevin Devine
Passing Afternoon - Iron & Wine
Come Down - Dan Mangan
Cara Mia - Annie Hayden
Spark the Fire - Kira Fontana
Jen Is Bringing the Drugs - Margot & the Nuclear So and So's
Our Life Is Not A Movie or Maybe - Okkervil River
Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez
Anyway - In Flight Radio
The Fisherman's King - Los Halos
It's So True - Spain
Heaven Is A Word - Carla Werner
California One/ Youth and Beauty Brigade - The Decemberists
I Felt Your Shape - Microphones
Naked As We Came - Iron & Wine
High As A Kite - The Pernice Brothers


its good.

Dear you,

It was the idea of you rather than the actuality. I didn't really feel for you but rather enoyed the feeling of someone else feeling for me first, before I did for them- a new experience for me. I don't want to hurt you, but the truth needs to be out. I never was as interested in you as you were in me. It is the way of the world and of feelings. We cannot help who we fall for, but as I've learned many times over, we also cannot make anyone fall for us. So try as you may, it is not happening, at least not likely. I don't feel the same way you do. And also the proclaimed intensity of your supposed feelings scares me. For barely really knowing me, you certainly claim to love me more than I am comfortable with, and probably ever will be. So really, please stop. With the proclamations and attempts and everything. Back away- slowly. With your dignity still entact, at least what remains of it.

Best.
Caitlin.

Amazed.

I am amazed at life and all its curiosities...
All the many moments that make up everything once they are strung together. That's all that life is, isn't it? Putting small pieces together to make up the whole.
Can life be broken down that way? Truly? Into tiny moments. Each a small snapshot of one happening in a lifetime.
If my life was to be broken down into moments, snapshots, wat would it really look like? Embarassing? Joyous? Laughable? Upsetting? Disconcerting? Or would every picture be a plethora of emotions and feelings? A collection of everything covered by the entire spectrum of human emotion? WOuld there be pictures of moments that I don't remember? Can there be events that shape ones personality and life that they don't even remember? What would that be for me?
If only I knew...

old

I've been cleaning lately. During that process I found an old writing book of mine.
Within the book I found something I wrote, a long time ago. And I really like it.
I usually don't like much of anything I write but I like this... a lot.

I listen to these songs on repeat. Some of them aren't even particularly good. But they evoke those "good" feelings, which is all that really matters. They make me think of us- of you. Of everything that could've been, that never was. Of everything I ruined.
I listen to these songs on repeat and I wonder is anything could be different. If I had sung a different song, if you have put on a different radio station how would things have changed? Would there have been any difference at all? Could I have prevented this entire situation by a change from PST to B101? Or would Night Moods have done it?
It was raining all day yesterday. I tried not to think about the weather. If I let the black skies and falling drops into my mind I wouldn't have been able to think of anything but the night we met. When we talked for hours in the rainstorm, relaxing under a cloudy sky. We were praying to not be hit by lightning but still were fascinated by the jagged lines of light cutting through the sky every few moments.

The perfect guy would buy me jewelry and bouncy balls from vending machines.
Sing into my voicemail at three a.m. because he was up thinking of me.
And when we are stuck in the rain he would ask me to dance.
He would be beautiful.

oh baby, baby
its a wild world.

i'm sorry i missed today! in my mind its still the 29th cause i just got home from working on things for callbacks and whatnots- now to get to homeworking. what a party.
it was nicholas' birthday, 28. scary, right?

it's my party...

its my 21st birthday.
i'm getting older.
i feel it.
and i'm a tiny bit hungover still (ugh) from barring it up last night.
it was fun.
a party was had.
i drank too much.
but thats what you do on your 21st birthday.



but right now i just want to die.
aand i certainly dont want to go to class in a little over an hour.
and i dont want to write this paper on the discreet charm of the bourgeosie.
and i do not want to try to write this play for collaboration.
inspiration hasnt hit and i cant force it.
this bites.


and a movie just made me cry.
but in a good way...
kind of.

Fear.

She fears everything.
She fears nothing.

She thinks that she is ready. The time has come.
She is willing and able to start a relationship, to jump in with both feet.
To take the proverbial plunge, of sorts.
And then it hits her.
She's going to be tied.
Tied Down.
And she can not take it.
She has to stop this, whatever it is.
Stop it dead in its tracks.
And so...
She will.
She stops speaking to him.
She makes one drunken mistake of a message.
She regrets her bad decisions.
She knows what she wants.
And it isn't this.
It isn't him.
She needs something to make her really want to change.
Or not change, but be willing and ready to do that.
And this time. This opportunity.
It doesn't do that for her.
Instead it scares her.
He scares her.
She doesn't want that.
She doesn't want him.
She thought she might, but she was mistaken.
But finally she knew, she didn't want that, she wasn't ready.
And now was not the time.
...It all clicked.







I walked down Pine Street.
Quickly, hurriedly.
I felt as though something was closing in on me.
Chasing me.
I looked all around me.
And there was nothing, nothing at all.
Rare as it is there was no one else on the street.
Rather than being comforted by this fact I was more frightened.
So I walked even faster. Practically running.
But still there was this sense, impending doom.
I walked and I walked.
It seemed like forever until I made it to 12th Street.
But finally I was there. And I made the turn.
A left.
Down the street I went.
But the mood did not lighten.
I felt the street closing in on me.
I broke into what was practically a run.
I kept going.
And then I saw it.
A person at the other end of the street.
Someone for me to run to.
I didn't know who they were but they were there.
Standing on the corner of Spruce and 12th.
An angel of sorts.
And so I ran.
Or power walked in actuality.
And I made it.
Finally, the sense of impending doom lifted.
I was free. I felt like myself again.
And I felt safe.
Mostly.
I walked the rest of the way down Spruce Street to my apartment.
There was a skip in my step.
And a lightness in my head.
I was still afraid- but not so petrified.
Why I had that sudden rush of fear, I will never know.
But it was there.
And I felt something.
Whatever it was...

he says take my hand.
live while you can.


i wish i had more to write but i'm lacking in things going on...
excepting the fact that i have one more day as a 20-year-old.
Wednesday I will be 21. Finally.
And Tuesday night we are getting shitfaced.
One and all.
Come join.
Fox and Hound.
15th and Spruce.
10 pm
Buy me a drink.


And Thanksgiving break was lovely.
And necessary.
And I love my friends.
And I miss them even more.

you were the best thing about this place...

i have no idea wats going on.
thats not new or anything... but its a bad thing.

greys anatomy, you are killing me a little bit.
but in a suspensful, good way.

and Gale Harold... damn Nazi.
Which makes me so sad... Brian Kinney would not be a nazi.


Going to Holy Cross' homecoming game tonight.
That'll be interesting.
They'll lose-at least according to my dad.
Moorestown is good, better than Cross.
Big surprise...

Something started crazy...

I love my family.
The end.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

“Writing is a sweet, wonderful reward”

I am done with classes until next Monday at 11:30 am.
Pretty sweet, right?

Now to just get cleaned up and get home tomorrow.
Morning or night. I haven't decided yet.

I'm excited.
Thanksgiving.
Friends.
Family.
BIrthdays.
Everything!
<3

And plus I turn 21 next Wednesday.
Awesome.

But we're going out Tuesday night.
Even better.
And so November 27th, 2007.
Fox and Hound.
Late-ish.
15th & Spruce.
Be there.

So maybe its to good to be hopeful.
Especially when you don't even make a true effort.
But whatever.
I drank and smoked last night.
And it was great.
And good times were had.
And i totally love some of the equinox people.
Some, not so much.
But still.
Loveeeee.

I knoe I shouldn't get my hopes up.
But sometimes a girl needs to.
Sometimes its a good thing to believe.
To think that something good could come of whatever happens.

Worry.
Why do I let myself worry?
Wondering what in the world did I do?

now nothings adding up and nothings making sense...

i'm listening to ben folds right now.
and its making me so happy.
i miss this music.
i miss everyone.
i'm getting strangely nostalgic for everyone and everything.
home and fdu and new york and everything.

i dont know why.
i love where i am and what i'm doing.
i just got a sudden rush of "awww i wish i could see >insert person here<."

Its strange. But in a good way.
I'm glad I miss them.
It means I have a slight soul.
But it took me til now to get like this.
Either I've been happy, or busy, or both; so I couldn't notice.
But yeah...
I miss them, but I'm still happy to be here.

I guess missing or longing and unhappiness are not mutually exclusive as they seemed before.
But back then I was just unhappy all the time so it made sense...

Anyways..
The show has been oing well.
I'm sorry this entry is over two house late.
It happens.
I was with people,
There was alcohol.
You see where this is going.
Crappy beer and people wins out over no alcohol and computer always, thanks.
I want to have a party right now.
And I want to get drunk.
Really drunk,
And I want to kiss someone,
I dont really care who he is (thats a lie)
and I just want to be kissed.

Take the hint.
And do it.
K? Thanks

"Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."



To Write Love On Her Arms.

WWW.TWLOHA.COM

She sat.
She sat on the floor and waited.
She waited anxiously.
She waited for him.
She wanted to see him.
She wanted to speak to him.
She wanted him.
She knew that he thought nothing of her. She knew that he wouldn't miss her if she left.
She knew that there was not much she could do to change that, other than wait.
Perhaps in time that could change.
Perhaps...
But for now she will want him.
She will want to speak to him.
She will jwant to see him.
She will wait for him.
She will wait anxiously.
She will sit on the floor and wait.
She will sit.

i am currently at rehearsal for Equinox.
I am so over this.
I just want to go to bed.
Right now.


But there are a few good things to come of this...

Nothing like bonding.
Nothing like hanging out.
Nothing like insults to make friends.


its all good.
i guess.

I want this:

"I’m finally letting myself live on the edge of my skin where I only do something because it feels good. There was no work being done this weekend. I let my eyes rest instead of keeping them open for hours and hours under the dim light of my desk lamp. I danced with someone who thinks I’m amazing and while I assure him that I’m just a girl he stares at me as if I’m much more than that."


I'm jealous of someone I don't even know for being able to write that.
I can't.
And because I can't let go of my work and let go of my responsibilities and get myself away from my laptop and writing and reading long enough I might have ruined something...
but then again, maybe he should understand that this, school and everything, is really important to me.
i need to do well. i need to succeed.
...if he doesn't get that, if all he can think about is how I'm always busy with my work than maybe he's not worth it. Because when i was free, when he knew I'd be free, he never was.
So screw that.

Plus someone else has been making me smile lately...

totally fucked.

i just got home from tech.
mind you i came home for about an hour during tech, but that was because part of my job was to make a pasta salad thats needed in one of the shows (yeah, totally not really the wardrobe's job but whatevs)

my back hurts.
i need a massage.
any one wanna help out?
i'll find someone to do it tomorrow, or tuesday.
def. tuesday.

well this must be short and sweet because i have plenty of homework to do.
like make a model of the black box to scale.
because amy is crazy.
or i just fucked up and didnt have time to do it before this.
hence my issue now.
blah blah blah.
my life sucks. the end.


oh but i got my hair cut yesterday.
i brought the swoopy bangs back, yeah.
its hot.
totes.

oops!

i havent been home all day, hence the lack of posting.

well thats a lie. i've been home
but jersey home- not philly home
and without my laptop, thus rendering me unable to write on here
and when i was in philly it was for a really short time.
to get ready
cause then we went to a party
and i just got back
and i'm a little tipsy.
but only a little.
and later today, at 11am the 10outof12 starts for equinox
which is really not cool
and i dont want to do it or be on crew at all
because i'm really lazy
but apparently thats not a good thing or whatever
so i have to be tere to supervise the wardrobe, hence my being wardrobe surpervisor.
i dont know my crew at all.
but hopeully a grade time will be had.
and next weekend there better be a cast party
and i better get innebriated
because i havent done that enoguh here
and also note to those who read this
i will be 21 in17 days.
be ready.
have gifts
and alcohol
and be at fox and hound on the night of the 27th, going into the 28th and buy me drinks
cause i say soooo



i will try to do something later.
but i'm going to sleep now
and then theres loooonnnngggg rehearsal
followed by a sad, sad attempt at making a model for amy's class.
that thing is gonna suck so hardcore.


my head hurts.
i'm gonna pass out now.
goodnight.

when everything is counterfeit it makes me want to break...

cause really whats the point of me just coasting on the surface
we stop living when we claim its not worth it

This coming week is going to suck.
Just putting it out there.
Too much work.
Scale model. Unit 4-7 test. Theatrical analysis. Sol Shuman or Ellis Island, I'm not sure which. A Long Day's Journey Into Night. Equinox tech/performance. Life? Work. Home. Laundry. Understanding combat. Cracking the nut. Prop list. Learnng to not suck so much.


it will be complicated.
To say the least.

i have nothing to say with the exception of i hate set design and am not good at it.
not at all.

and i am not an over achiever that amy loves.
well... maybe i am a tiny bit but not much.
and i work my ass off. thats why i do well and why she likes me as a student. if she even does.
and yes i researched color meanings but i'm a nerd.
and i like going all out.


but i still have no idea what i'm doing with this.

"Don't cry. If you cry I shall go mad..."

I've been attemptng to write an essay on Good Morning, Midnight.
Its not happening.
I just cannot get into that book.
And I've been trying for quite some time.
Sasha is just such a bitch of a character that I can't sympathize for her at all.
She is far too alienating.

But anyways...
I made up my schedule for next semester, got the form signed and everything by Gene.

Mondays are going to suck in general. But thats just because they'll be long. 8:30 to 1, I think.
I might be wrong about that.
But yeah...


Help me get up the nerve...



And help me figure out how to design a set.
And how to fake like I care for a manifesto.
And how to write this paper.
And how to be perfect.
And how to make it til my birthday.
And how to casually invite someone out to get drinks.
And how to make him say yes.
And how to get him a fake ID cause I dont think he's old enough...



and yeah i think thats it.

i'm a small town girl...

Lab was cancelled today.
Good thing too. Cause I did not want to be there.
I'm just over it at the moment.
But yeah...

I want to approach someone,
And I just don't know how to.
Explain to me what I should do to initiate it.
I'm bad at these kind of things.



God, I am a broken record.
But if its true, its true.
And it is true.
I just don't know.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be a set designer.
My thumbnails that I'm drawing for Collaboration are horrible.
Well, not horrible.
But pretty damn bad.
I do not have the drawing skills required for this.
Or any idea what I'm doing at all.

Awesome.






"we can do better than that." <3.

Why do I get my hopes up?

I shouldn't.
I really should work to fix myself.
Not get so "!" over the tiniest things
But its just an automatic reaction.
I try and I try.
But I can't do it.
I'm just one of those people.
I like to have crushes.
I like to get my hopes up.
Unfortunately, I get let down.And then I get upset.
And then I bounce back.
And then I get my hopes up once more.
Its a continuous vicious cycle.
And I hate it.
And I love it.
And I can't give it up.
No matter how much I claim I want to.

And so I won't work to fix myself.
I'll do things like claim I'm going to, as I just did.
But I know I won't.
I'll keep going
The same way I always do.
And maybe eventually it'll work out.

He felt like the sun to me on those cold November nights...

Its getting cold now.
Suddenly the temperature has drastically dropped.
As I write this it is only 52 degrees outside.
Something of a major decrease, wouldn't you say?

But anyways.
I had my advising meeting with Gene at which both of us were slightly lost.
But I'm thinking it will work out.
I have a general idea of the classes I want to take, and there are two options that I would need to be signed into but I don't think that will be an issue.
My only fear is of my 8:30 writing class.
I can barely make it to the 10 o'clock writing, 8:30 might be an unsurmountable challenge.
But hopefully I will make it through. Nicole is a cool enough teacher to let things like absences or passing out in class fly.

I've been thinking.
I get far too invested into people and happenings far too fast.
I just like to dive in, feet first.
But thats also a way to get hurt.
I don't think of the repercussions that go with my actions, instead I act and then afterward I get a rush of everything that could possibly go wrong. But its never really before hand, its always after the fact.
Which is bad news.



I hoped you would call.
I don't know why I thought it would happen.
I just thought that there might be some follow through finally.
After such a long time of skirting the issue or even communication in general, I thought a wall had been broken through.
But maybe not.
Or maybe you don't even remember it.
Thats more likely.
At least thats what I'm telling myself.
It makes me feel better.
Slightly.

This November swallows me whole.

I haven't done this in a long time but I'm gonna try the every day of the month posting once more.
I just feel like when i do this it gives me something more to look back on.

And so... lets start November off with a bang.

I just actually gave someone my number didn't I?
Someone I haven't even seen in... I don't know how many months.
Who am I?

And further more I have a meeting in about 6 hours with Gene for advising so we can figure out what the hell to do with my classes. Damned scheduling.
And even further...
I don't know what to do about this situation.
I want to be like, hey you're cool. lets hang out.
but this is just such a small group that it would get around like that.
so i cant even tell anyone what i'm even thinking about cause yeah...
i shouldnt even be writing this cause so much could be inferred.
ughhhhhh.


also everyone should wish for matt to break things this afternoon.
because he's gonna walk in that room, sing his little spring awakening heart out and the casting people are gonna be like "oh yeah thats why we called you back again. bitch, you hired." (at least this is how it works in my head, followed shortly thereafter by me coming to visit him in his dressing room where the two of us are singing and they just happen to hear it and go "oh shit, you too. you're cast" and i say "but i never auditioned" and they say "are you really fighting this? " and i say "no." and then i'm in a real show. the end.
and then bare is remounted off broadway and me being a big spring awakening star that i am would bring some star quality to it, so they cast me as nadia and everything is right in the world.

David Blaine (or Mitch Silpa) is my hero.

Street Magic.....
its crazyyyyyy







amazing...

I've heard people talk. They say they don't understand the whole 'blogging' thing. They can't wrap their head around it. They wouldn't know what to write.
Who said you need to know?
Since when were there rules about what you could write.
I honestly don't come in here (and I obviously am using the word 'in' loosely) with a plan.
I just start somewhere, write a bit, and end up somewhere else.
Its just the way things go.


But yeah... thats all.


I'm not sure what I should do about this situation.
I'm close to giving up and retreating again but I want to persue too.
I hate decisions, especially ones that no body else can make for me.
Damned things with the stuff.

I've been thinking that I want to go up to New York and make bad decisions again.
I felt stupid immediately afterward but really in retrospect it was fun.
And I could go for some fun, now.
But I won't.
I won't end up going back up there until December when its time for Mattttttt's birthday.
When we will both be 21 and get blissfully inebriated, legally too.
ANd who knows who I'll meet then...
Lets hope for someone,
And if not then, than even sooner.


I really jsut need a kiss,
I know I already said this, but I am the broken record.
And i know what I want, what I need.
So somebody, some boy needs to fix this. Please. For my sanity.

I know who I'd like it to be , but thats not going to happen. Defintily not yet and possibly never with the idiocy I portray.
Ugh. Why am I me?

Its 3 am, I must be lonely...

So i've been thinking about it.

Time goes by far too fast.
At least it does now.
Last year time crawled. It went at a turtles pace and I hated it. I just wanted it to be done.
Here I love it, and its flying by.
But I still want it to be done- or as close to done as possible.
Like... November 28 perhaps?
That would be quite plesant.
Verily.


Now, I still can't sleep.
I've been laying here trying.
And nothing working. So I've slightly given up.
I now am laying here in the dark praying that this fan will cool me down slightly and that sleep will come.
But I'm listening to old Starting Line. (Its a nostalgic thing)

I could probably go into the kitchen upstairs to try and get a bit of work done for Fielder's class Friday.
But I'd rather not have an extreme exposure to all the mold as it was uncovered behind our cabinets this morning when "Maint. Frank" as he refers to himself, pulled all of our cabinets off the wall and down from the ceiling to make room for the new ones, to be installed.... soon.
Today lets hope.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I've been thinking.
I am going to be 21 in a little over a month.
That is a big birthday.
Its one of the milestone years.
I could go out and get trashed legally, and then gamble my life away in Atlantic City.
I won't.... the gambling part at least.
But I jsut feel like I am so lackign in life experiences for someone my age.
I mean there is plenty I have done that others haven't or I'm equal with other people.
But for the most part I feel like I'm behind the curve.
I want to catch up.
I just don't know how.
Its hard to explain.
And I'm not sure how to say it.

But yeah....



And also I really need to be kissed.
I just really want someone to kiss me.
It doesn't matter who he is (well thats a lie) but I want to be kissed.
Just good and kissed. Now.

Someone work on that for me, would ya?




Oh and I'm totaly school girl crushing on someone a little tiny tin bit cause he's mostly amazing, with the exception of a few tiny things.... but I like those tiny things too. For the most part.
Ugh I'm a loser.

For now , I scooted closer, until we were touching. Knee to knee, arm to arm, forehead to forehead. I leaned in for once, instead of away, appreciating the pull I felt there, something almost magnetic that held us to each other. I knew it would always be there, no matter how much of the world I put between us. That strong sense of what we shared, good and bad, that led us to here, where my own story began.

give me some credit...
please?


like... maybe?




it seems that i get taken advantage of.
people dont give credit where credit is due.
i do what is needed and someone else claims it was all them.
or they gloss over me.
or ignore me.
or whatever.

and it kinda sucks.



this is fairly unprovoked.
i just felt it needed saying.


i should get back to studying.


but i really don't want to.

i can't wait to go to fd tomorrow.
i'm just kind of scared.
i dont know why... but i have this irrational fear that everyone will be like "you left? seriously? i didn't even notice..."
my paranoia at an all time high.
if that does happen it will most definitly back up my irrational fear that i dont matter.
because i do have one-
i'm insanely paranoid that i am making no mark on this world, and on no one in it.
they may say i am but wheres the proof?
i know i've never een one for math or science but they do have one good thing- empirical evidence.
you can't knock that down....
but what people say- that can be pushed away with the flourish of a hand.

hmm...
back to survey.

i should be asleep and yet...

quite obviously i am not. or since i am awake i should be working on my analysis of buying time.
and yet again- obivously i am not. i am here. on blogger whom i have neelected this past week.
it is now october (sick right?) time is going by so quickly. i feel like i never have time to do anything but school work.
which i know is completely untrue but it just sounds so dramatic i felt it necessary to say.
but honestly i have a ton of work. due within the next three days.
a costume design project due wednesday.
an anaylsis of buy time due thursday.
a survey of theater test on 4 units friday.
since when was art school supposed to be hard? honestly...
but i will get it all done.
the design project is pretty much complete. and my design is pretty kickass if you ask me.
I chose Dog Sees God as the play I was designing for and the specific character who i had to do rendering of is CB'c Sister (aka Sally from Peanuts) I chose her from the beginning of the play when she is in her goth phase.
My concept of her is very Gothic Lolita- a lot of black and red and a babydoll dress with a minitop hat. hot.

I cannot wait till this weekend.
FDU here I come.
I miss them all so much.
Like seriously that place was my life for two whole years.
ANd then to be cut off completely like this.
I haven't set foot on that campus since May, which may not seem like a long time
But for me to have not seen my friends since then- it seems like an eternity.
There is only so much catching up and bonding one can do over the phone and the internet.
Face to face is always better that facebook to facebook.

This past weekend I went to College Day on the Parkway. It was kinda eh- but everyone else came too.
And by everyone else I mean home friends.
It was Colleen, Feesh, Erin, Amy, Minkus and I. Reunitied and it feels so good.
But seriously it as so great to see them all.
If only the rest of the group could've made it.
But alas they could not so we made due and quite obviously survived...
Unless I'm writing this from beyond the graveeee (you can't hear it but that totally meant to be read in the creepy cliche voice used on tv for things like that. i swear it was funny in my head)

I am starting to feel bogged down under the weight of my responsibilities.
And they aren't even that many.
But I just have so much to do all the time.
Today I had class from 11:30-2:20, work study from 2:20-5-ish, and ballet from 5:30-7. and then i came back here and had my first meal of the day. it was not a wise move to go to ballet without eating anything. but i didn't get a break all day so thats what happens. tomorrow (or today at this point) will be better. 2 classes, one at 1 and one at 5:30. Costumes and Modern. And inbetween it will be filled with Buying Time analysis. ANd I will not be distracted by instant messenger or myspace (i'll use ichat and facebook instead! hah.)


it completely amazes me how much i can connect with a song or with a written piece. or with anything....
its inspiring really.

i've decided if i can find a collaborator.. somewhere. i'd really like to use this play i've started as my senior project.
i know thats atleast three years away but i started writing this and i feel really good about it, better than i did about the postsecret project which i loved with all my heart while i was doing it. the ostsecret project is the reason i'm here i think. amy actually laughed when she was reading some of the monologues, and looked thoughtful during others- and at the appropriate times. it was pretty sweet. i was so nervous about those... and then to hav eher approval of sort and then to get in here based on that and now to get my scholarship based on my prospective excellence... its a big vote of confidence from her and gene that i don't know that i truely deserve but i will gladly take with open arms, because i need it.
i have no confidence most of the time in my own work...

but what i'm writing right now...
i really like it.
and if i only had someone who could write music we'd be set.
i already have lyrics for two songs and additional scenes.
plus majority of the story mapped out.
and on paper- not just in my head!
how could i go about finding someone to work with.
i mean, its not like i go to a university with an entire schoolvof music attached...
wait a minute...

thanks..

thanks for playing my romantic lead
even if only in the version i colorized
i fantasized you and i
on a porch swing watching a sunset somewhere
and thanks for playing your part so well
i came out of it all with a briused heart
but, what the hell
i felt some things i must have needed to remember...

http://www.youtube.com/caitadelphia


check it.

peer pressure will make you do things like this.

do you feel better?

Better...
So much Better...

but seriously.
This past week, even with the insane amounts of work and the constant pain from an overly tedious ballet class, has been so much better. It's great. Or at least getting greater than it was.
Long walks, Friends, Jamican, JRB, and Script Analysis.
Find a conversation you can have, and have it.

And then make a youtube of yourself singing and feel like an ass when people actually watch it.

And then get a scholarship for just doing what you do.


All together a good week.
But one thing could make it so much better...
And theres still one day left.

long winded and ranty and fueled by cheap, wonderful coffee.

I sat and I waited. I hoped that something would happen.
I sat and I watched. I watched couples and parents and children and pets.
There was what seemed to be a vast amount of happiness around me.
And I tried to let it rub off on me.
To feel this same happiness and possibly even the euphoria and freedom of the young boy reaching into the fountain and his mother held his feet so he wouldn’t fall in.
But rather than feel free or happy or careless or anything I felt confined.
I felt as though I was stuck.
I am stuck.
I’ve barely been here and I’ve already resigned myself to the role that I always play.
Quiet. Lonely.
I try to break out, but old habits die-hard.
It is a nice fit and an automatic place for m e to feel comfortable, and so it is where I end up being.
I don’t try. It just happens.
I sat on the fountain wall, reading and observing. Randomly letting my feet dip below the surface of the water.
And as I sat I saw what I want.
People in relationships and happy.
I want that.
And it is so not me.
I am the first person to say that I am not a relationship person.
They practically give me hives. The thought of the confinement, almost.
But now… I want that. I want to feel secure. I want to be able to call someone and just talk to him and have a conversation and be normal and regular and have a rhythm within our talking and a comfort level and an attraction and maybe something deeper. I know that there is much, much more to any relationship but I don’t care.
I want to be able to go out with a boy.
And just have something.
I want the happy, easygoing air that the people in the park had.
I want it now.

I don’t want to sit and watch anymore.
I want to be the person that someone like me could see walking through the park hand in hand with another person and they’ll go “Wow. I wish I had that.”
I want to be my own envy.
I want. I want. I want.
But I don’t know how to get it.
I don’t know what to do.
And I know what I don’t want.
Who I don’t want.
And I’m sorry to them. It is still a no.
It’s just to odd.
But I want with someone else what they want with me.
Want. Want. Want.

Maybe even need.
Who’s to say?
I don’t know hat I need. It may be a relationship.
It may just be a fling.
It may just be a kiss.
But it could also be everything.
Life would be so much easier if I could just figure out what it was that I wanted.
I could stop focusing on everything else and instead zero in on what I really want.
Focus on what really matters.
Think about who really matters.
Right now my mind is everywhere.
Focusing on everything.
Thinking about everyone.

Too many thoughts.

My phone is sitting to the right of my wrist.
I keep hoping it will ring.
I don’t know who it is I’m hoping to call but I’m keeping it there like I’m really expecting someone to call me.
But I know no one will. With the exception of maybe my sister.
But she’s working so not even her.
I am so socially awkward.
I wish I could change that. I need to become more comfortable.
But its too much of a challenge. I like being liked but I don’t like the effort I need to put forth in order to have people want to like me. It’s a complex issue. I have many of those.
I’m ranting. But that’s okay.
I’m sitting at The Last Drop.
I’m drinking my large to-go coffee and using their free internet, because here I know I’m not stealing and it won’t back out on me at any moment like it does at the apartment.
There is a girl sitting to my right, next to my cell phone. She’s drawing someone here, I don’t know who it is though. I randomly try to catch view, quick glimpses of what and who it is she’s drawing but I can’t see. Her left arm is obscuring it. Oh well.
I saw The Woolgatherer this afternoon. It was well done. “Beautiful…”
There was a speech in it that Cliff made to Rose (obviously as they are the only two characters in the entire play) but it was about why he was there, and about how even though he was halfway home he couldn’t get her out of his mind and he had to turn around to see her, if he could. If I can find Jessica’s copy of the script I will post it here. Its just that good It needs to be read. Trust me. At least as far as I can remember it does.

It’s so odd. I’m starting this “new life” but within this new place I am falling back onto the old me completely. And even when I try to break free of that old me I am put back there by someone else. No matter who I meet they end up knowing me as Jessica’s sister. I have been known as Jessica’s sister my entire life. I did have a brief respite when I was at Fairleigh. But now I’m here. And she’s got two years on me. And many friends compared to my very few. She as everything while it seems that I have so little. And so everyone I meet will know me as Jessica’s sister. Once more. I’m going back to the role I have played all my life, since second grade when I had my first teacher, Mrs. Price, who had also taught Jessica. In the years to follow I would have others who had taught Jessica or/and Nicholas. But that was the first time that I was referred to as Jessica’s sister by a teacher. I was not allowed to be just Caitlin. I had to be Jessica’s sister, Caitlin. I don’t resent that at all. I understand that it is just a part of my life, a part of who I am. But I cannot always be her. I can’t always be the other version of Jessica. The lesser version. I need ot get to a place where I can be a whole, complete version of myself I need to learn who I am. I need to find who Caitlin is. And then maybe I can step out of this shadow I’ve had cast over myself, that I have gladly stood in for the past twenty years. Maybe 21 will be my age. It could be my golden year. I could find myself, and someone else, and legal alcohol all at once.

Georges Perec.

I just read him fr the first time today and I already love this French modernist stuff.
Species of Spaces- The Bedroom. Love it.
For my FYW class we needed to take one of the samples from Species of Spaces and rewrite it as our own, taking an entire page.
I chose Placd small thought no 2.
Perec's says "The passage of time (my History) leaves behind a residue that accumulates: photographs, drawings, the corpses of long since dried-up felt-pens, shirts, non-returnable glasses and returnable glsses, cigar wrappers, tins, erasers, postcards, books, dust and kickknacks: this is what I call my fortune. "

Thats the extent of the sample so to extend something like that is a bit difficult becase he doesn't go into detail, but I decided to detail it up. And I'm actaully really proud of what I did. I don't care if its exact, its my own interpretation and I like what I did with it. And yes, its very stream-of-conciousness, but whatever. And to warn if your reading this you might find somethings within that you recognize. And so...


Day go by, passing one into another. Nothing to show but an accumulation of stuff, junk. Miscellaneous items meaning nothing, or something. Remove a box from a shelf and what do you find: scraps of paper, ripped and crumbling, snatches of words legible through the folds, “Love ya, Shannon!” or “What happened with Adam?” Meaningful or meaningless? A flowered card wishing “the Best” from Rob. The results of a failed game of MASH, living in a shack with 17 kids. A peg game. A paper plate “Sweetest.” Hockey memorabilia. A rainbow admittance bracelet. A hospital bracelet. A voter registration card. A British pound. A singing birthday card - “Mmm-Bop.” A wooden ruler. Collections of poetry, bad and good. A card, filled with writing, recollections, and Pamela Anderson. A Grassroots Inc. script for getting money on the street. A collection of snapshots; nine smiling girls on a beach. A sign reading “Homecoming 2004, Go Juniors!” A boy in a suit and a girl in a dress, smiling and happy. A group of young students, none older that four years, awkwardly still around a teacher. A line of cheerleaders waiting for competition scores, expectation and dread on their faces. Three children, one an infant, sitting on the lap of an elderly man in flannel. Four young women on a train, invincible for a moment. Everything and nothing. Postcards of insults, postcards of secrets, letters of hellos and goodbyes- all never sent. Burned down candles, broken necklaces. Doodles and drawings and diagrams of life choices. Pro and Con. Yes and No. A box of cigarettes still unopened. A green plastic lump labeled PICKELEFOUR. A red leather book, filled to the brim with quotes. Ads for plays, flyers for shows, concert tickets and playbills. At the bottom a folded fortune teller. “Yellow, Green, Red, or Blue.” The entirety of my life kept within a box on a shelf. Junk meaning nothing and everything.

I love you, but...

Right now I have that same feeling to where I am. I love you but...

I love this school and this education and this environment but...
I miss my friends. I miss my teachers. I just miss things.

And although you might not know it I am an incredibly shy person. I do not do well when thrust into social situations where everyone knows each other already and I'm the odd one out. Not to say that everyone already knows each other here, but I feel like since they live in the dorms together and did all those dumb bonding things at the night activities during orientation everyone really does know each other. And I'm just standing there awkwardly shadowing my sister cause its the easiest thing for me to do.

I panic when I don't know anyone. I get awkward and just odd. I can't deal with it. So instead I leave. Right now I could be at the "Welcome Back/Kickoff" party for all theater majors. Instead I'm in the apartment. I was there for 10 minutes-ish and then I left because I just couldn't do it. I can't meet people in situations like that, especially when they're all familiar already. It's just too hard for me. I'm shy. People don't realize that, but I truly am a very shy person. I end up curling into myself and avoiding everyone, new and old.

I wish I knew how to move on, or that I could make new friends quicker and easier but I can't. I need someone else's help to introduce me, or to spark a conversation or just something. How am I supposed to be a adult and have an issue like that? How am I supposed to make friends? Expand my horizons? Find someone to connect with? I won't. So I really do need to get over that... But it's just so hard.

i don't care if washington square is a ghost town.
i like it there.

today i went to school for yet another day of orientation.
these days are unending and i am exhusted... but i love it too much to care.
today was finally advising and scheduling for us crazy transfers.
i have classes to take finally!
color me excited.


anyways today i had a perfect hour or so.
it was in washington square.
i had a long break between the lecture and the actual meeting with amy, the woman in charge of my education and life for the next few years, so i decided to go to the park.
i had a book and free time so it seemed like the thing to do.
so i went, after stopping at starbucks for a tea, and i sat.
i found a bench in the sun and read 'eclipse'.
i got pulled into the world of bella and edward and jacob and everything.
and then i put my book down for a bit.
and i jsut sat.
i reveled in all that was around me.
there was a group of women, babysitters, taking groups of children around the park.
a young mother was playing with her two sons as they had a picnic.
some construction workers were on their lunch break, basking in the sunlight and the fresh air on the benchs opposite me.
a girl, my age, was walking a group of dogs on a rotation. her work, i'm guessing.
but as i sat there i realized that i was part of this.
everything that was going on was part of life and the city and everything.
and now i'm part of it.
i am in philadelphia.
at least i will be living there within the next few days.
and until then i'm taking the train there daily.
but it just hit me all at once that all of that, the city of philadelphia and everything in it, is now mine.
i keep expecting someone to come up and pinch me saying"just kidding! have fun in north jersey!"
and i know thats not going to happen, but everything that is happening has bene what i've wanted for so long that it just seems so surreal...
i don't know what i'm really saying but...
please don't pinch me because if this isn't real i don't want to wake up.

Has there ever been an instance where you couldn't believe something you did? In your head all you can hear is your own voice saying "What am I doing? Whats going on? This is not me." But it is. No matter how out of character it is - this is you,
That happened to me. Last night.

He kissed me like he meant it. It was sweet and intense and then I just lost it. I kissed him back. I just let go . I went with the moment. And as I did, I didn't feel like me. But at the same time, I did. It was almost freeing- almost. I felt his stubble scratching my skin, his tongue ring hitting my teeth, fighting with me. It was the strangest sensation,. Exhilarating and petrifying at the same time. But I didn't know who I was. I am not the reckless abandon girl. I do not make out with people I've know for a total of two hours. Its just not who I am. And as much as I'd like to blame it on the tequila, it was my own doing. I flirted and played. When he asked if he could kiss me I complied. I was willing, maybe even eager.
Afterward, I looked in the mirror. I thought that I could see it. I could tell what I'd been doing in that hallway. My lips were red from his. My hair mussed by his hands. And I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do. So I laughed.
When he asked for my phone number I said no. We live two hours away. It just didn't seem like the way it should be. So to shut him up I kissed him again, hiding from everyone else as they walked around the corner. And then he was leaving. It was past 3am already. The bar was closed, everyone leaving. And I kissed him again. Goodbye. Infront of everyone on the streets of Manhattan.

Who was I last night?




(Things to Ruin was amazing.
I think I love Joe Iconis - maybe i'm just inlove with a punk rocker named joe?)

I hate the phone, but I wish you'd call.

There's a myth that every seven years there is a renewal that takes place within the body, cells replacing themselves. According to this idea you become a "new" person every seven years, at least. I know it's not true, but its such a nice idea that I can't resist it. Going on this theory, you could be a completely "different" person every seven years.
I still have moments today where I feel like a fourteen year old girl, so maybe it is time for a change.
Since I'm going to be 21 in a matter of months it may be the beginning of a new time, a new chapter. Time to start anew, open up a new book of my life. Move on. Forget about those people that were holding me back, tying me to the past. Not my friends. I can't let go of them. They're there for me. I mean those people who I really have no connection to other than memories that I live in from time to time. It's time I finally get past certain people. One specifically is one I need to get past. I know it is never going to happen. As if the impending marriage weren't enough, the lack of anything over the past how many years should be a clue. I have this image of him in my mind that I've been building up since... far longer that I'd like to admit. Its not real. And even if it was real, it's not mine. He's not mine.
Every crush I've had since I was in 8th grade. No matter how "over" it and them I may be there is still a little part of me, deep in my heart and my head, that is holding out. That goes pitter-patter at the thought of them, at the sound of their name. It may only be a little flutter, but its there nonetheless. And it needs to be done away with. And soon.
I'm not sure how one goes about cutting someone from their heart, especially when the memory of them still exists, and probably always will, but I need to do this. To move on with my life. I will never find the same sort of attraction as I did to one, the banter I had with another, or the history we shared. But thats okay. Maybe I can find a deeper attraction, more clever banter, and start making my own history...

Into the Woods is now.
You should come see it.
Sacred Heart, Mount Holly.
Saturday - 8pm.
Sunday- 3 pm.
You will laugh and cry and maybe dance a bit.

But in other news.
LBI starting tomorrow (technically, but not really till Sunday night)
If you wanna come down call me.
If you're gonna stay bring your own pillow and towels.
Thats all we really ask.

And now I'm off.

you'll never know...

i never know what to say when i've taken a sabbatical of sort from this.
do i update on the meaningless things i've done? do i write about whats coming?
do i scream and rant about the futility of life as we know it?
what shall i say?

how about this.
i have no money.
my job doesn't give me nearly enough money for the few hours they allow me to work. thus i am incredibly poor, even after getting a paycheck today.
into the woods is rapidly approaching, like opening on thursday,
i'm scared and excited all at once.
and on stage i am going to look hideous, but in a good way, an old person-ish way.
i am never meant to be an old person i'm thinking by the way i looked in the make up.
anyways.
beachhouse starts on saturday. show ends on sunday.
theres a bit of spillover but its being dealt with and i will be at the house to stay by sunday night.
you are welcome to come and play so long as you have somewhere to stay. call the cell.
i'm getting anxious and excited about the coming month. August.
So muhc is happening.
The Show, The Beach, The School, The Apartment (we think), and LIFE in general.
Its just rushing forward.
This summer has breezed by so fast, I don't know what to say about it.
I feel like it should still be mid-June and here it is the last days of July.
Am I missing out? Is time really just flying?
Or did I just let the summer pass me by?

Just so you know I will not be homeless this coming school year. Starting September 1st Jessica, John and I will have somewhere to live. Woo. And its adorable so that always helps.

Okay so I was by myself at work today and I randomly got inspired and started writing a monologue that is now leading into a whole play. I already have three scenes done and a fourth started! But anyways. The opening is a monologue.

LIGHTS UP

Alison, a twenty three year old from "anywhere", sits in the middle of the stage. She is applauding someone who just addressed the "group". She congratulates this person on their bravery and ability to speak so candidly about their life when she abruptly stops and looks up as if called on.

Alison: Oh, its my turn? Oh... Okay then. Well, hi. My names Alison and... I date unavailable men. Well, actually no that's not true, I don't date them, at least not usually. Most of the time these men are so unavailable that we can't even get to the dating stage. Maybe we'll do the pre-dating talking thing but it never gets beyond that. I've been wondering why this happens for awhile now and I think I've finally come to a conclusion.

I have horrible taste. Well, no, not horrible but its like I don't see these guys as they really are. I see them as intelligent and cute and funny- which is the complete truth, but I always miss out on the one big thing. The huge part of who they are and how they live their lives. Ya know what I mean? No? Well... how else can I say it... Ummm... Its like they would date me, love me, marry me, sex me except for the fact that they don't... you know, they don't... screw it. They're gay! I always fall for gay men. God knows what this says about me and my psyche- but its the truth. Maybe its because I've grown up doing theater so I spent more time with gay boys than straight. But wouldn't you be able to tell who's gay and who's straight easier from having so much experience with them? Apparently not! Maybe I just have really bad gay-dar, or I'm so desperate for a man I'll take anything. All I know is I always pick out the gays.

There's a joke my friends have. They always say "How do you know if a guy is gay? If you show him to Alison and she likes him!" (deadpan)Hah. I've always thought that one was hilarious. Truly a knee-slapper. But... I digress.

So yeah. That is my issue. And no I'm not attracted to gay men because I'm secretly a lesbian. I've heard that theory thrown around and I'm just not biting. In all honesty the thought of "being" with another girl... it just skeeves me out. I mean no offense to lesbians or anything... but its just not my cup of tea. Ya know?

But, yes. That is my problem, really bad gay-dar coupled with a desperate need to be loved. And the result of that combo- me.

LIGHTS DOWN





maybe let me know what you think?
its rough and just an idea of sorts from when i was sitting at things remembered doing nothing all morning cause we had no customers. but i kind of like it... maybe?

I don't know what other people see
or what they think is love
But I know what it means to me
I fall in love so easily
And it's hard to let your guard down
Something you never wanted to
I gave you my love and if you turned away
I guess i'd be screwed, but...

I'm a hopeless romantic
You're just hopeless

Beer and wine does me fine but
it doesn't always do
When i get back up and dust off
I always come back to you.
I'm my own man with my own plan
I can't do the things you want me to
I'm kinda lazy and I kinda stink
But I'll clean myself up for you

Oh my God I must have blinders on or something.
How do I not know these things?Am I that oblivious?
Just chalk it up to bad taste one more time.
How can I be so blind?
Idiot.



Anyways.. I should be at work right now.
I was on the schedule from 1 til 5.
Yet here I am. At home. At 2:30 in the afternoon...
Something about this doesn't add up.
Maybe it is because there was no one there when I walked into the mall.
The store was locked.
The gate was down. The lights were off.
Its not like I have a key or any way of getting in,
and even if I did get in I have no idea what to do or where anything is.
I am still training! I have worked three days so far.
I am not ready to do anything like that.
So the store was closed.
And I didn't get the memo, cause someone decided to not come in.
And now there are a ton of angry people (this is all a guess) who wanted their items today. Who were planning on picking up gifts for Fathers Day. Today. And then giving thme to their fathers.
And now they don't have them. And they'll be angry.
And if I have to go into work and deal wit hany of them- I will be angry too.
Even more than I am right now.
I might only be losing $28. But still. That is $28 that I don't have right now.




Moving on...


I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


I was stupid. And I made a bad choice.
Don't hold it against me.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I'm human. Its what we were designed to do.
I don't know what else to do...

i officially have a job.
i start in less than ten hours.
fun.

party in maryland on saturday night was interesting.
phone calls are never good ideas. ever.
especially not when you are drinking unknown alcohols.

into the woods will be good.
it must be.


and maybe...


maybe it is time to stop wishing.
take a risk. make a choice.
everything might be up to chance.
but sometimes you need to push chance along- right?

they pulled the last video.
thats depressing.

anyways.

just saw knocked up.
i liked a fair amount.



tonight it holy cross' graduation.
i want to go.
but i have no means of transportation at the moment.
its times like this i actually regret not being able to drive.

watch the whole dance.
it is my favorite piece of choreography i've seen in a long time.
i remembe rloving it last summer and now seeing it agian i remember why.
mia is a genius. heidi and travis execute it beautifully.
and its perfect.

in exactly six months from today i will be twentyone and invincible.


and happy memorial day.


(i hope whatever we talk about actually happens. lets not allow plans to fall through again)

The Feel Good Revolution

Come by when you get off work
I'll be sitting around doing nothing
Let's wait until the sun goes down
Then we'll drive off deep into the night
Don't care where we're going
As long as I'm going with you

The summer swells in us
With the heat comes a new kind of wanting
Cool nights never cooled us off
Lay around wait for something to happen

But it's three lonely figures
A bedroom, a basement, she's scared
Which one is sleeping and which one is lying awake?
Yeah, which one is sleeping and which one is lying about it?

Afternoon drags on and on
Movie nights that never end
We can hang out all night long
Lay in bed and talk to a good friend
Because we only get older
And we'll probably forget what it's like

The university is quiet today
Didn't clean, we just talked in the bathroom
The girl always gets in the way
Ruined friendships, but others replace them
These opinions are poison
Been drinking them all of my life
Can never replace you
Could never forget what it's like

Step out on a moonlit roof
The radio leads a feel good revolution
Cigarettes and my closest friends
Tell myself that I have to remember this
Remember this
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember this
To remember this

So Arctic Express has yet to contact me.
I'm calling tomorrow night to see whats up.
I did call earlier today but the manager wasn't there.
I also applied at Things Remembered in the Burlington Center.
Hopefully I will be hired. I need a job.
Like immediately.
I can't spend all of my time at home.
And I can't keep taking my moms money.
I feel bad.

First music rehearsal tomorrow. Excitement and trepedation abound.
LBI trip was on Tuesday. It was freezing but we dealt with it.
Amy, Dimp and I. We had fun all the same.


I want to talk to you.
I don't know how to.
I feel bad. I know it was over a year ago... at least the first infraction was.
But I still feel bad.
And then there was whatever happened this past fall.
I'm still not sure what that was. But I'm sorry. I know that much.
Please talk to me.
Approach me.
Something me!

I wanted to IM you... but I'm scared.
How pathetic is that?
I'm scared to click and say "Hi"
I'm a sad little girl.
Very sad.

Although it's something you have never thought about Mr Maraczek, Try Me!

Hire me.
Give me a job.


I handed in my application to Arctic Express.
Hopefully they will call me back and say "Why of course we wil hire you! You would be a wonderful addition to our workforce!"
That would be incredible.


Otherwise. I am screwed.

it seems longer, it seems like forever

I do realize that this post card is from Michigan. But in my mind I want to think that someone wrote it for me. I want to believe that there is someone in the world who sees me as colorful, complex, and having a beauty thats all my own. I know its wishful thinking but it would be lovely if it were so. At least I think so. Lovely.



Dimple kidnapped me for the past twenty four hours (and then some). I became the non-Filipino member of the Cavan clan. It was a lovely day. Starting with sing-a-long last night, big talky gossip session, The Little Mermaid to sleep, even chruch this morning. And thne off to Atlantic city for shopping and wandering (fun), and then to Vietnamese food in Philly, then Chad's then finally home. A grand old time. I miss hanging out with Dimp and now we all only get a little bit of time with her before shes gotta move back to Boston for some interning fun. Tres sad.


So I know I'm not always okay with it, but I normally can deal with being the single one. The slightly awkward, snarky, chubby, single friend. Its been my life story. But I'm not okay with that. Maybe I have been before, or at least I've lied and said I was okay with it. But I don't know that I can be okay with it anymore. I don't want to just date someone for the sake of dating them, but I want to date. I want a boy. I want a boy to like me. I want a boy to like. I want some sort of mutual attraction. I want someone. I want something more than I have. I am so jealous of those people who are perpetually in relationships. I mean maybe they aren't always that meaningful, hence the continually falling in and out. But still. They have that connection. They get to experience something with someone else. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. Which might not be true cause its not like I don't do anything, but theres just.... There's a lot missing. And I want a connection. I want a feeling. I want something.
I feel devoid.



Also in looking back on high school today with Dimp... it is amazing. I have these moments where it feels like I still am in high school, an awkward freshman carrying around too many books. And then theres times like today. Where its becomes really obvious that it has been two years since I've seen many of those people, or even thought of them. I struggled to remember names. I found it hard to picture certain peoples faces. Its odd. I know its hit me in the past but tonight I really realized that high school is over. College is halfway done (for most, not me but thats another story). Life is rushing forward and I don't know what is going on. Its scary and exhilarating all at once.

Beautiful Disaster

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.

101 - in the shade?

school is done.
i am still unemployed- at least for now.
it seems like no one is home yet, even though i know they are. we're all just having difficulties seeing each other. but that will be remedied.

i got all of my final grade. i made deans list and i didn't even do too horribly in weather and climate somehow. thank god.

on the last day of classes i had my final for allen's class. and when i handed in my final he talked to me, only for a minute or two, but it was so encouraging and nice. i will miss him next year. i wish he would follow me and start working at uarts like he was supposed to a few years ago. but he told me (in so many words) to stick with writing because from my paper he could tell i was good at it. and to not give up on performing because even though i might have a hard time getting cast with my type i won't alway and eventually i will succeed and i could really breakthrough into that world. it was just nice. no one's ever given me that kind of speech. and coming from him it meant a lot to me because he knows what he is talking about. he's an "industry professional" or whatever you'd like to say. but he does know what he's talking about. and the fact that he has faith in me.... its nice. very. and it makes me believe in myself some more. maybe i won't get the parts i want now... but eventually. in the future.
he said i was really talented. and that i have a great voice.
i know a ton of people have said it to me before... but sometimes you need to hear it from someone who doesn't feel obligated to say it because of family ties or friendship. he didn't need to give me that speech- it could've been a goodbye, goodluck thing. but instead he said all that.... it was really, very nice.

"She loves the smell of old books."

Its been awhile, I know. At first I could have blamed it on the almost three weeks I was without a computer because of repair issues. But then it got to a point where I was either lazy or busy... or both. But jsut because I haven't written here doesn't mean I haven't been writing. Because I have, just of my own volition. I've figured that if I plan on being a student of writing in any way I should really stick with it and try to finish some projects, because normally I get too distracted to finish. And I still haven't finished anything- but I've certainly started some and I have even more ideas coming. Which is great.I just had a test, it lasted one minute. Twenty-five multiple choice questions. Amazing. The last "core" class I will ever need to take. I made it up to "Core 3: Cross-Cultural Perspectives" It's what we call a party, or "lets watch a movie today" since that is all we did the entire time. But it wasn't too bad. I did read an incredible book about motherhood in Africa in the 1930s, as things were changing from tribal societies to those influenced by Western Culture. "The Joys of Motherhood" Very good, interesting style too.
This is my last week of classes. Actually its finals week. My last week at FDU. It still hasn't set in that I won't be here next semester. I know when I think about it that I won't be here, but it hasn't set in that I will not be having classes in NAB or the Mansion or be performing on the Dreyfuss stage next year. I won't be seeing these people who have been a huge part of my life this past year or two. Its certainly scary. I don't know when its goning to hit me, but I have a feeling that when it does it will not be pretty. There will probably be tears. Heavy ones, as that is the only way I react to things as of late.I really have become quite the crier. Which is funny, at least to me, because in the past I would not cry. I spent a whole 8 months of my junior year not crying only to have it all come out one night while reading "The Truth About Forever" by Sarah Dessen. Since then I've let the tears come as they may, but lately it has just been over the top. Far more than I would expect, and we're talking about me! I should be able to predict in some way the amount of crying I'll do, shouldn't I?
I am so strange. But I guess thats just how I am. I started to pack my things away today. I only have enough clothing out to last me the week. A skirt a day, plus an extra skirt for today because Chorus needs to sing for a dedication or naming ceremony, or something like that, at the mansion later. It should be pretty, singing in French "Rose Lis Printemps" (or however it is spelled). That's a last minute change considering last week we were supposed to be singing "Lift Every Voice" and the "FDU Alma Mater". But that it perfectly acceptable because our alma mater is horrible. If it could have been re-writtten I think everyone would have preferred it, but whatever. It doesn't even matter now.
I went back to my high school. Holy Cross. My home of four years. Felicia went too. She's beenb back plenty of times. This was only my fourth. But then again. I don't have brothers on the backetball and wrestling teams like she does. But we went to see Big River. It was a well done production for the most part. Its sad because as I've become more educated about theater some of its been ruined for me. As in the past I would have gone, watched the show and come out saying "Wow, that was great!" like a large portion of the audience, all I could do was focus on the bad acting filled with movement around the stage that had nothing to do with the characters objective, tons of indication, and at some points an actor going dead while the other is performing. In the past I might have noticed the movement part, but thats it. Now all of this jumps out at me. But so be it. That is what comes with education.
Also went to UArts and saw Back2Back2Back, a collection of three one act plays. It was cute. Fun. I personally liked the middle section, titled Back2Back (the entire collection getting its name from this), but according to Jessica that one was the least popular. It had the most complicated music, and a story about neurotic New Yorkers struggling to make a connection with each other as they go in and out of their appointments with their shrink (who the two of them see back to back- get it?!) But I really enjoyed it. Also earlier in the day there was Alex's communion party and a bar-b-q ar Gene's house. Technically speaking it was a cast part for the UArts cast of You Can't Take It With You, but his wife suggested he invite the London people, thus I was there. I got to meet a lot of people who I'll be with next semester, including the boy Jessica and I will be living with, John. He is adorable. I don't even know what else to say other than that. But it was fun. A little awkward for me, not knowing anyone but Jessica, Carl (who barely said hi- whated) and Cherie. But still it was fun.
And then the next day it was Jillian's baby shower. That was cute. With lots of light blue. She's having a boy, Hunter. He is due next month. And God knows he will be adorable. And he already has enough clothing to cover his body til he's 2 nad not have to repeat an outfit- of course that sonly if he never grew. Which he will do half of the adorable onesies people bought for him won't get worn. but oh well. It will still be cute to look at. I can't wait for there ot be a new baby around. I know I won't see him very much. But I love babies. And if I could I would offer up my babysitting services. I'll be a good mom when my time comes. Which with the way things are going will not be for a very, very long time. It's almost a shame, but so be it.
I tried to apologize to someone recently for the way I treated him. I was throughtless and heartless at the time. But he has since dissappeared. And by that I mean, gotten rid of his myspace and stopped signing in online. I have his cell phone number but I don't want to be weird about it. So I guess I will just wait until I get to talk to him in person or he comes back on line. I just really want to say sorry for running away. I didn't mean to. Well, actually thats a lie. I did mean to. But I was scared. He was coming on strong and I didn't know how else to react. It was one of my first times in that sort of situation and I didn't know what else to do. And now, ages later, I feel even more terrible about it than I did at the time. It wasn't anything big. But its been on my mind. And I've been thinking in "What If's". What if I had just said yes? What if I hadn't been afraid of someone who was actually interested in me? Things could have been so different. But I can't change the past. So, I have to take whats happened and what part I played in the decision making.
I'm just odd. Weird. Strange. Abnormal. You know the deal. Anyways, now that I've ranted on for nearly twenty years, I believe it is time for me to study Italian. I have a final tomorrow and it is going to be near impossible. But I will manage...somehow. I'm not quite sure how that is, but I will. And hopefully I will keep the "A-" (or something like that) I have in the class right now. It would be incredibly pleasant. Especially since that is what I am struggling the most with grade-wise I believe, other than Weather and Climate, which doesn't count since no one is doing well in that entire class except Nicole. Oh well.
I am currently watching a bad Lindsay Lohan movie Just My Luck. It is so cheesy and corny and hokey. But Its cute at the same time. Plus she has great clothes throughout it. Okay. Off to the nation of Italy. Studying and all of that sort of fun.
Oh and by the way, I was cast as Jack's Mother in Into the Woods. It's not exactly what I wanted, but it is better than I expected. And James was cast as Jack. Which is cool, that means I get to hang out with him some this summer. He is years younger than me but when we've talked we get along so it'll be fun. Plus we can make fun of Chelsea behind her back.

So its been a whole week since I wrote last, but its justified.
My computer decided to commit suicide. Very not cool.
Late Wednesday night it just stopped working.
I didn't really understand why, so Thursday (when I should have been turning in a project that was due but had been lost to the depths of my computer) Joe came and looked it over. The diagnosis was not good. But also not positive.
So I figured I'll take it to the Geek Squad at BestBuy and they will fix it and hopefully everything I have saved from the past two years will be there because I have not yet begun to transfer everything over to disk for when I get my new computer a la MAC.
So Friday after Allen Cohen's class my mother was waiting outside of Dreyfuss to take me home.It was Into the Woods auditions for this summer. I sang "Take Me To The World" from Evening Primrose. And I had a monologue prepared from Street Scene. But I told the ajudicates (is thats the right word?) that I was just realizing how inappropriate the monologue was for the actual show. And so I read a scene (as did most of the people who auditioned). Mine was for Jack's Mother (blah) but its okay. Risa called me Saturday afternoon saying that callbacks were that night and to come in at 8. And so I did. But not before going to BestBuy, praying that my computer could be fixed and my information saved, or that they could just salvage my Poli Sci project (and maybe the beginnings of my Research Paper on Sondheim and Prince). But alas at the time they could not. They said the problem is either with the Motherboard or the HardDrive. If its the harddrive they can fix it in the store, but my information is gone. If its the motherboard they need to send it away to fix it, but my information will be safe. Six on way, half dozen the other. But really I hope its the motherboard. I have too many things saved- music, pictures, writings, everything! My life, really.
But anyways after that crushing dissapointment of a trip to BestBuy it was callbacks time. So I went and I ended up reading for 4 different parts, Jack's Mother (eh), Little Red (oo!), The Witch (last minute addition), and Cinderella (huh?). But it was cool. And James was there! I had no idea he was auditioning at all, of course I haven't seen him since last June, but still. Pete had called him and said to do it; and so he did. He was calledback for Jack. And he was good at it. We read together when I was being Little Red. It was fun. But anyways, she still has a few more people to see on Monday (i think?) and we will be notified in the coming week.
So now I am off to school. Without a computer. I just hate feeling so disconnected. I need contact with other people, even if it is only through a conversation online. So yes, don't expect to talk to me on IM. Or even see me on myspace or facebook too often. I will try and check once a day using the Dreyfuss computers, but who knows.
Til a much later date... <3

"and I'll still be alone..."

A moment of connection. OUr very own version of Six Degrees of Separation. Coincidence all around. Our very own 'bench scene', more introductory, exclamatory "Wow!". Not so romantic.
But still. A 'something' occurred. And then it fizzled away into nothingness.
Its like we discussed before... Those kinds of chance meetings do not happen to most people- only to a few. And it does not seem like my life is destined to be one of those, no hints of a 'great romance' coming my way.
I do understand that though. I know what my life could be like. Me, a spinster, old before my time, in a decrepit apartment filled with many cats. Frightening, depressing, all too possible. I understand that is a possibility for my future, along with everyone else's- even if it seems more likely a path for me over others. But although I accept and attempt to come to terms with that possibility I cannot assume that it is the definite path my life will follow. And connections like todays, even if only for a fleeting moment, give me hope.
The hope they give me is what keeps me from giving up on myself. To be able to believe that a connection, even if slight, could occur for only a minute allows me to trust that I could find a connection with another person that could extend for five more minutes, maybe even ten... until we really are 'together.'
Maybe I'm just a big idealist. I do believe that everyone has a person out there that they are meant to be with. Some people are just unable to find their other half. They may try but end up leaving a trail of missed connections and opportunities in their wake. Or they may be shy. Unable to escape themselves, break down their walls and open their hearts to another. And then there are those who cannot find security. Instead of finding one they jump from one to another. Finding as many as possible. But never just one who can keep them, understand them, see past the pretense and the past to the real them.
I don't know where I fit into this. I would say I am shy- because I am, painfully so in some situations. Also I leave many connections behind, not intentionally, its just something that happens. And connections are not something you can force. They just happen. And when they fade away, so be it. That may just be the way things are meant to be. And one day, hopefully not too far away, there will be a connection, completely organic and unforced that will grow and continue to do so. Rather than fade away, it will flourish. And I will have found him. That one person.
But until then there is only one thing I can do. Hope. I will not lose my hope that everything will work out. I will keep believing that it is possible for me to find someone, maybe even love. Because even if I'm not beautiful I do deserve love. Everyone does. But I am getting to a painfully disheartened state. But I will not let it get the best of me. I will keep my hope and faith and trust. And it will happen to me someday...

Somewhere in New York winds are blowing, winters going into spring...

Its almost three am and I'm not yet tired because I passes out earlier tonight. And now I've managed to throw off my entire sleeping schedule. Awesome. I'm thinking that tomorrow (or today at this point) I'm going to head into the city, try to work on my Sondheim/Prince research paper at Lincoln Center Library. I have to call though and try to find out what it is that I need to have so I can use all the materials I need.

The run of Carousel went really well for the most part. There was a few screw ups but on a whole it was a smooth run. Sunday we had a huge audience. The biggest Sunday audience theres ever been for an FDU show, supposedly. It honestly looked like a larger audience than there was for any performance of Cabaret last year. Yay for the cast. We all worked really hard and it paid off. So go team.

I should be working on some sort of paper on India thats due on Thursday. Right now I have no topic even... That should be fixed soon. But it probably won't be until tomorrow night. I'll write it crazy late. Get about 3 hours of sleep and then go to my core class, hand in the paper and then sleep through Gandhi (which we are currently watching) and then go fake my way through Poli-Sci. It will be a party of a Thursday.

Oh, on Sunday night, after strike and whatnot, Josh had a bar-b-q for the cast at his house. Not everyone came but a few were there. And the seniors gave out paper plate awards. Mine was The "We'll Miss You Like A Fat Kid On A Diet Misses Cake" Award. Cute. It made me happy.


I really don't know what I'm doing.
Into the Woods auditions are in a little over a week. I'm not ready yet. I still haven't picked my monologue, but I just can't make up my mind yet. Theres too many that I know. I figure I will go through all my different plays and collections when I go home on Saturday. Friday night if JRB in concert! woot! I'm excited. I hope he'll play "Anywhere But Here" cause I love that song. It's so beautiful.

But yeah... I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm just kind of writing for the sake of writing.

PS: I want to find a boy. Immediately. I'm so bored and I just kind of want someone to be infatuated with. I haven't had a real crush in awhile... le sigh.

Do you remember when things were so much easier? Do you remember when life wasn't so complicated? Do you remember when everything didn't need to be analyzed within an inch of its life?

Me neither.

I cried today. Quietly. No one noticed, or at least they didn't say anything to me. Maybe I'm just that easily ignored. At the end of our final dress rehearsal the cast sat and got notes as usual and then Rob was talking. He started to talk about wanting us to realize that this is the only time we will be able to do this show. in this theater. with this cast and group of people. at this point of time in our lives.
That really just hit me. Hard. I realized that this is it. After Sunday who knows what I'll be doing in theater. I'll audition for something this summer but if it doesn't work out I will not stay in the production because I cannot do that to myself. And then I'll be off to UArts. Where I will be in a completely different part of the theater. I won't be on stage. I won't be performing. I won't be in the situations where what I, the character, is feeling is so intense and huge that it needs to be sung about. It needs music, not just words. I won't have any of that. I will still sing. I don't think I will ever stop singing but it won't be the same.
And I won't have these people. Who I love.
I don't want to lose some of them. I don't want to be the complete ruination of what was left of PickleFour. I don't want to put an end to any possible gathering of the people from SuiteGSpot who still speak. I can't lose these people. I need them. And I'm scared of what life will be like without them- not in a scholastic setting, emotionally speaking. I know I can succeed academically because I did all through high school, but still... It's frightening. I am worried. As much as I might claim to hate FDU, its just the school. Not the people. Not the teachers. I wish I could go to UArts, bring a bunch of these people with me, still have Rob and Allen as teachers and still go to Wroxton. I want the best of both worlds. And I know thats not an option. And I made my decision. And it is the one that will be better for my career in the end. But I still am sad.
I almost feel like in doing this I'm giving up.
I'm finding a new major, one that doesn't involve acting. I felt insecure about my acting (even though when coupled with singing it is what I want to do more than anything in the world.) And so I gave up. I know its not exactly what happened. But in current retrospect thats what it feels like. And thats not good. I need to be confident that I've made the best decision. And I know that I have on an intellectual level... its just the emotional one that scares me. I have this fear in the pit of my stomach that I'll leave here and then just get completely lost at Uarts. I'll end up dissapointing everyone. I won't succeed. And I cannot deal with failure. I get upset with getting Cs. I cannot do badly. And I'm so afraid that I am not a good enough writer, or creative enough, or driven enough, or talented enough. I'll end up not living up to the supposed potential...
I can't do this..
But I need to. I hate debating with myself like this. Especially when its almost 5 in the morning and I should've been asleep at least 3 hours ago, if not 5.
I just want some sort of assurance that I am doing the right thing. That everything will work out. That I can have my cake and eat it too. That I won't lose my friends. I really can't deal with that. I've lost so many people to broken friendships in my life that I cannot lose these people. Atleast not some of them. I need to keep them cause they are my sanity. And yes I might find others to help me stay sane or something, but every person is different and will play a different role in my life... and I don't want to have to recast the people I currently have in some roles...

I make no sense sometimes. But thats what happens when I get scared and tired and upset and everything else. I just wish I could say this to someone. I don't want to thought because I'm scared (more fear!) that they will tell me that I'm make a bad decision. Or that they can't believe I would do that. Or even worse... they won't care. I just want someone to tell me everything will be fine. I am doing the right thing and I am making the correct decision and everything will work out and I'll finally be happy and I'll find my place and I'll succeed and I won't have these questions and I just will be able to be me and still have my friends and my schooling and everything. I want this to work out. Please god let it work out. Give me some sort of sign or message or something. I need it. Please.
I want to hang out with someone cause I feel like what we do as of late is not hanging out like we did once. Now its just work. Lets just have some fun.

I want to document everything happening from now on here I think. I can't forget these people or this school or the times I've had here. I need to keep the best track that I can...

Also I started watching season 2 of Queer As Folk. I know a lot of people do not like Michael as a character. They think he's stupid and clingy and annoying and all sorts of other unflattering descriptions.... but I relate to him. I don't know what that says about me. But in the first three episodes of the sceond season - I know what it is that he means. When he doesn't talk about him and David breaking up.. he was waiting for the right time. I know exactly what he means. Its like I was back when I got my badletter. I wouldn't talk about it. Initially I told about 3 people. It got around eventually but I couldn't tell people. The timing seemed off, and I didn't or couldn't admit defeat (or so it felt)...
And now its 5:17. I should probably go to bed at this point....

Oh yeah-
Come to the CAROUSEL!
Wednesday, March 28 - Saturday, March 31: 8 pm.
Sunday, April 1: 2:30 pm.
Dreyfuss Theater.
FDU Madison.

I promise it won't suck.
atleast I don't think it will

but will we remember it all?

i had a talk with rob today. I told him my news on Monday and it got an indifferent reception. But then he sent me an email saying he was happy for me and its fdu's loss, uart's gain.
So I sent him one back explaining some things. Plans, etc.
Then today during a break at rehearsal he called me over.
We had a real talk. He asked why I was transferring, why UArts over FDU. Why now? What would I change about FDU? What courses would I add? A bunch of those kind of questions. I explained everything to him. And just told him how I need a city atmosphere, and more music classes and more writing classes, and less of a rounded education- I don't need maths and sciences! I told him that he was the reason I chose the school in the first place, he didn't believe me. But I explained to him it was from when I had a theater discovery day, him and Rich really reached me and made me like what I saw in the school. He was telling me how much he likes Philadelphia. I knew he directed a show there last month- but it was at the Adrienne! I know that theater, I've been there. Its a cute little blackbox- very tiny. But it was nice and he was really nice and kind about everything. He asked me if I'd applied to uarts the year before so I told him yes, and it was for musical theater but i bombed my acting audition. He seemed almost surprised by that. It was nice. Like he has atleast a little faith in whatever ability I might have (even if casting doesn't reflect it) But it was nice. And necessary and I appreciated his talking to me a lot...


In other news- or connected news, the show is going fairly well.
Tech is on Sunday, then we have a costumed rehearsal, than costumes and makeup, and then we open on Wednesday. One week. (!) This could very well be my last show for a long time depending on how things go with my Into the Woods audition...