waste of paint

So now I hang out down by the train's depot.
No, I don’t ride, I just sit and watch the people there.
They remind me of wind-up cars in motion.
They way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I wanna scream out that it all is nonsense.
Their life’s one track and can’t they see it’s pointless?
But just then my knees give under me.
My head feels weak and suddenly.
It’s clear to see, it’s not them, but me,
Who’s lost my self-identity.
And I hide behind these books I read,
While scribbling my poetry .
Like art could save a wretch like me.
With some ideal ideology,
That no one could hope to achieve.
And I'm never real, it's just a sketch of me.
And everything I’ve made is trite and cheap and a waste,
Of paint,
Of tape,
Of time.

So I park my car down by the cathedral.
Where the floodlights point up at the steeples.
Choir practice is filling up with people.
I hear the sound escaping as an echo.
Sloping off the ceiling at an angle.
When the voices blend they sound like angels.
I hope there’s some room still in the middle.
But when lift my voice up now to reach them,
The range is too high way up in heaven.
So I hold my tongue, forget the song ,
Tie my shoes, start walking off.
And try to just keep moving on,
With my broken heart and my absent god
And I have no faith but it’s all I want,
To be loved,
And believe,
In my soul, in my soul.

i should be doing homework right now. nice and ready for a polisci quiz tomorrow.
but i'm not at all. i have no idea what i'm doing or what i should be taking notes on or anytthing.
i started to highlight the book and then realized thats just stupid.
highlighting does nothing to help you remember.
i think i'm just going to fake my way through it and hope that theres no quiz tomorrow.
and if theres is hope that its the one i do the worst on - cause the one grade gets dropped.
i am back at fdu.
its fine.
its quiet.
i did all my dishes and put everything away.
my room looks so full.
i feel empty.

i want to talk to a specific person right now.
lets see if we can make that happen.