Should I be hurt?

cause i'm not. maybe thats cause i have no heart. or maybe its because i have one but its cold. or maybe because i dont care about it. i'm apathetic. lifes just easier that way for somethings.

as puja said, "blogs are evil.you should vent to microsoft word and leave it there."

i dont agree. but the thing is people don't get the full story.
you don't understand whats behind the thought.

i might say i'm growing up and changing, but thats doesnt mean apart. or away.

i'm not happy here. but its in this environment. its in this place where i feel like i'm disconnected from the rest of the world. i need to be in a place with a heartbeart. a pulse. a city.
this place, this school, gives me headaches. and backaches. and neckaches. and heartaches.
maybe i'm being over dramatic but i dont think so. i just feel the way i do.

I haven't talked to anyone in person about UArts because it hurts too much. I know I should let it out there but I can't yet. And maybe thats unhealthy, but right now its what I need to do. Plus there are other prospects and possibilities for me out there. I know that the next semester I will not be on this campus. I maybe still be enrolled in this school but I will not be here. I will be in Wroxton. And if I really have my way I'll be in Philadelphia. Please God, let me be in Philadelphia.


Its not that I don't love the people here. Because I do with all my heart.
You might not think so but I do. And I might not show it, but thats because i have issues showing emotion.
And maybe I expect too much. Or ask too much. Or think too highly of myself sometimes.
But thats because normally I think I suck. And that I don't deserve things.
I'm screwed up. I know it.
I probably need therapy.
I probably have some weird deep seeded issues from childhood that didn't start to manifest itself until recently.
Greg and I were talking about the last time we were truely 100% happy, with nothing causing any problems. I said June 2005. Thats the last time I could think of being almost carefree. And honestly thats not even right cause there was all the stress following senior week. But it really was a great time, with great people. And I miss that. I miss that summer in general. But that was my answer. And I think that provides a big hint as to life here and what its been like for me. I might have had a good time once in awhile, or maybe even consistently but there was always something missing too. And it was me. I don't know who I am here. I barely know who I am in general. And I want to find out. And I've tried and tried but it just hasn't worked out here. And I think its because this is not the place I am meant to be. I should be somewhere else in the world.
Maybe if I find somewhere new- I'll find someone new- like the real me.
WHoever that is...

wow this wasn't really planned.