that man was right.
i don't have what it takes to be a music major/
i thought it had gone so well.
apparently they didnt agree.
if you couldn't tell my heart was just ripped out of my chest and i didn't get in.
i'm literally sobbing right now after jess told me on the phone to please not cry.
i cry at the drop of a hat, of course i'll cry at this decision that effects my entire life.
it kills me. i just wanted it so badly.
and nothing,
i thought that 2007 was going to be so muhc better, but its not,
its continuing in the shit on caitlin fashion that 2006 took up.
apparently its the new initiation for years. if you can ruin caitlins life your awesome.
i wanted it. i really really wanted it.
and apparently anytihng i want- i can't get.
jess suggested that i go and drink copious amounts to make this okay tonight.
i did that last year. it didn't work well. and plus who would i do that with?
i don't want to drink with certain people.
i hate drinking with them most of the time cause it makes me realize further what it is thats feeding this anger and depression and all around "bah"ness that i'm feeling all the time.
usually all i want to do is sleep. and right now all i want to do is cry and then sleep for about 20 years.
then i'll wake up. be 40. have no life goals or aspirations and nothing can hurt me then. i can jsut be this weird spinster lady with her cats or something and i dont have to worry about getting my heart broken again.
and i just want to not be in north jersey.
i need to be in a city. i wanted philadelphia.
but i wanted it for music.
i dont know tha ti can apply to another school. for polisci or music or anything.
it just hurts too much to not get in.
i've done this whole rejection thing far too many times.
and i dont know that i want to anymore.
i know i dont want to be here.
but i dont want to be rejected from anywhere else anymore.
i can't do it.