Apres moi

Your luck is changing today- which could be either good or bad. If you've recently felt as though the entire universe has been conspiring to give you delightful surprises, your well of good fortune is going to get a bit drier. But if you've felt as though nothing has been going your way, you're going to see a very nice change in direction. From finding twenty dollars in the laundry to getting that phone call you've been hoping for, things will definitely start looking up.


well if you've been reading this for the past month you know I haven't felt like the universe has been giving me delightful surprises... so maybe it will start to now.
This is it. February 28th. I have managed to put something in this journal on every calendar date of this month. As per my goal set on the first. Its so nice to know you accomplished something you set out to do, even if its something as frivolous as writing in a blog. I still feel like I did something, at least.

I still have no idea what it is thats going on with myself. A good friend of mine told me to talk to someone about it. And I trust her to tell me the right thing to do. But I don't know that I can go out and seek someone to talk to. Sometimes it just seems weird. Like inappropriate to talk about my issues. Like everybody has problems and mine aren't nearly as big as other peoples so why should I waste someones time when they could be helping someone who really needs it.

I have a Core 3 paper to turn in tomorrow. Its still not finished. But it should have been done on Monday. I suck at life. Whatever. It just wasn't working out. There are those moments when you try so hard to accomplish something and its just not coming together- this whole weekend was one long extended moment for me. Nothing worked out for work. Oh well.

Yesterday I finally sang "I'm Going Back" in Allen's class. It actually worked out fairly well, which surprised me. I thought it would suck hardcore. But everyone pretty much liked it. There were a few off notes but Allen actually said I "sang the shit out of it" which is a good thing. I love when hard work pays off. Cause I did work really hard on that song. It took forever to even get the characterization I gave it yesterday and then it was general cause there is no good synopsis of "Bells Are Ringing." I might get a book with the whole indepth look at it so I can then get even deeper into the song and keep it in my book cause I really like where it sits and how it sounds. Its got a very classic Broadway Belter sound to it, which is what I was really missing from my book. So yay for that.

Rehearsal tonight. I can already tell you it will probably suck for me cause I have a pounding headache (literally pounding, as in I slammed my head into the wall by accident and this headache is whats left over from that) Maybe it will go away eventually. That would certainly be welcome.

I don't know what else to say.
I think I might keep up with this every day thing, or atleast fairly often. I like it.
It gives me something to look at later so I can go "oh thats what I did with my days and my youth and my life" Or something to that effect.
<3

"lol i died i even may have tinkled in my panties"

nikki venuto- conversations with you seriously make my life.

that is all.

Jessica Darling and I

"I never look forward to anything... Because whenever I look forward to anything, it ends up sucking. The buildup inevitably leads to a let down. It's safer to lowball my way through life."

have truer words been spoken?

I'm praying for snow right now.
Or at least more snow than we are currently getting.
I don't want to have class tomorrow.
I don't want to finish my paper that I'm currently writing "Religion In Post-Mao China: Open or Oppressing?"
It's boring me.
Right now I'd prefer to curl up in a ball and read Second Helpings.
Last night I finished rereading Sloppy Firsts.
I just want to continue in the whole story- all three books.
I relate to Jessica Darling way too well.
I swear Megan McCafferty somehow pushed her way into my head.
Or something like that.
But its good. Hopefully I can find my own Marcus Flutie to challenge me the way he does Jessica.
Even if things don't work out perfectly there, for them. Theres still what there was. And what may be- since there is going to be a fourth book.
I would just love to have that kind of connection with someone.
Theres times when I start to think I feel something like that... but then its gone in a matter of moments or sometimes days.
Its dissapointing.
But maybe its just not my time yet.
Maybe I need to wait it out... maybe then I'll find what I need.
Or who I need.
Although it would be really nice to find that someone right now, whoever he is.



So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

guess whos not in the ballet for carousel.

oh yeah me.
i think its hilarious. i have how many years of training and i don't get to do any dancing at all in thise whole show really. lots of bobbing up and down.
some spinning and an alamande.

it just kills me cause i know i can dance.
and because of the way i look she assumes i can't.
she has no idea of my skill level and its not like i can make it known.
so i'm stuck being part of the "hey you suck" group.
when i know i don't.
maybe i should be satisfied in the knowledge that i myself know that i don't suck
but thats not enough.
i just want some recognition.
this is probably my last show at fdu.
i want to be able to do something.
remember something from here.


maybe thats asking for too much.

its in your eyes george

good and long day.
but its okay.
cause i have a quesedilla waiting for me in the fridge right now.
and i am so excited for that right now.
cause i am that pathetic.

but whatever.
right now i'm thinking that i will just curl up in a ball with my quesedilla and my copy of sloppy firsts and pass out. tomorrow will be filled with work of the home kind.
ickk.

i just really feel like giving up sometimes.
but i know i can't
theres a light at the end of the tunnel usually.
i talked to allen today.
he said he'd be sad if i was gone.
he's be happy for them for gaining me, and for me cause i'll do well.
but sad for himself and the school for loosing me.
i love himmm.

rumor has it my interview went well..
lets hope ::crosses fingers::

George is afraid.
George sees the park.
George sees it dying.
George too may fade,
Leaving no mark,
Just passing through.
Just like the people
Out strolling on Sunday...

George looks around.
George is alone.
No use denying
George is aground.
George has outgrown
What he can do.
George would have liked to see
People out strolling on Sunday...

Should I be hurt?

cause i'm not. maybe thats cause i have no heart. or maybe its because i have one but its cold. or maybe because i dont care about it. i'm apathetic. lifes just easier that way for somethings.

as puja said, "blogs are evil.you should vent to microsoft word and leave it there."

i dont agree. but the thing is people don't get the full story.
you don't understand whats behind the thought.

i might say i'm growing up and changing, but thats doesnt mean apart. or away.

i'm not happy here. but its in this environment. its in this place where i feel like i'm disconnected from the rest of the world. i need to be in a place with a heartbeart. a pulse. a city.
this place, this school, gives me headaches. and backaches. and neckaches. and heartaches.
maybe i'm being over dramatic but i dont think so. i just feel the way i do.

I haven't talked to anyone in person about UArts because it hurts too much. I know I should let it out there but I can't yet. And maybe thats unhealthy, but right now its what I need to do. Plus there are other prospects and possibilities for me out there. I know that the next semester I will not be on this campus. I maybe still be enrolled in this school but I will not be here. I will be in Wroxton. And if I really have my way I'll be in Philadelphia. Please God, let me be in Philadelphia.


Its not that I don't love the people here. Because I do with all my heart.
You might not think so but I do. And I might not show it, but thats because i have issues showing emotion.
And maybe I expect too much. Or ask too much. Or think too highly of myself sometimes.
But thats because normally I think I suck. And that I don't deserve things.
I'm screwed up. I know it.
I probably need therapy.
I probably have some weird deep seeded issues from childhood that didn't start to manifest itself until recently.
Greg and I were talking about the last time we were truely 100% happy, with nothing causing any problems. I said June 2005. Thats the last time I could think of being almost carefree. And honestly thats not even right cause there was all the stress following senior week. But it really was a great time, with great people. And I miss that. I miss that summer in general. But that was my answer. And I think that provides a big hint as to life here and what its been like for me. I might have had a good time once in awhile, or maybe even consistently but there was always something missing too. And it was me. I don't know who I am here. I barely know who I am in general. And I want to find out. And I've tried and tried but it just hasn't worked out here. And I think its because this is not the place I am meant to be. I should be somewhere else in the world.
Maybe if I find somewhere new- I'll find someone new- like the real me.
WHoever that is...

wow this wasn't really planned.

i'd appreciate it if you'd keep my name out of your mouth.
thank you.

you have no idea what it is thats going on in my head and my heart.
and i'd prefer to keep it that way.
there are some things that need to be worked out on my own.
this is one of them.
i need to find my own way, on my own terms, in my own time.

nothing you say or try to do is going to change that.
i am who i am.
i don't need to be fixed or changed or anything.
this is me.
these are my thoughts.
and my opinions.
no one is forcing them down your throat.
your taking them on your own.


in other news i already have a lot more done on my play. i'm just waiting for the okay from frank warren. i hope he grants me permission. if not then I guess I can change everything. It won't stop postsecret from having been the inspiration. i have four monolouges finished already. from different presepctives. one is a gay priest. one is a man who just had his marriage proposal refused. one is a girl who wants to learn to wink so badly because of what it could do for her social life (at least in her mind). and one is a woman married to a man whos been crippled.
i like where i'm going with these.
i hope they work out.

and allen gave me a new song today- Somewhere Thats Green!!!!
little shop of horrors.
one of the shows nearest and dearest to my heart.
it makes me happy <3

people smell. for reals.
but i'm writing another play. screw the one person one act that was really about me. it was bad.
instead i'm writing (hopefully with frank warren's permission) a collection of monologues based on secrets that have been mailed to postsecret. its an interesting prospect to me right now. i hope i can follow through. i have a tendancy of starting these things and then letting them fall off. i really like this idea so i'd like to actually complete it. i have half of the first monologue done so far. its based on the secret that said "Somedays, it feels more like a noose!!!" with a man wearing a priests collar.
i think its interesting.

What makes me so bullet proof?
What makes me act so removed?


i should be writing a core paper. its not due til next week but i have no idea what i'm doing with it so i really should work on it. instead i'm listening to alexz johnson on repeat and writing a one person play thats actually me. the character is named jane at the moment but its me. its pure me.
at the moment theres about 4 pages. not alot, but its all her so it really is a lot of dialogue. its funny cause whenever i write the character turns into me. i guess its because i know me better then i know anything else and you write what you know. maybe i'm just a lazy writer... i dunno. but i like where its going so far. better then the one i wrote for playwriting and dramatic structure. i never really liked that play, i just did it cause i had to for course credits... but this is of my own volition. last night i just got an idea and started running with it. and here i am.

i have this headache that won't go away. its been around for a few days now/ and no matter how much sleep i get or how many tears i cry or shower i get or anything it won't stop. its not horrible but its just a constant dull ache in my head. that type that just gets on ones nerves. its annoying.



My skin doesn't fit
My words seem so hollow
I feel like a fraud
And that's a bitter pill to swallow

Sometimes it hits me right between the eyes
Everyone can see through my disguise

Who am I fooling
I'm just a smiling face
In a make-believe world
Who am I fooling
I'm just a wannabe
So easy to replace
Pretending I'm a perfect girl

All alone in the mirror
All alone on the shelf
I'm trying to hold on
To a little piece of myself

Doesn't anybody realize
Even I don't buy my own disguise

Sagittarius

Things have calmed downa bit in your life, so today is a very good time to start thinking about new places you want to go and new things you want to do. Look to the people you greatly admire for guidance, and they will inspire you. If you start to feel drawn to humanitarian activities, go with it! To keep yourself happy and engaged with life, you have to keep expanding your horizons. Step out of your predictable world and discover new beginnings.

that man was right.
i don't have what it takes to be a music major/
i thought it had gone so well.
apparently they didnt agree.
if you couldn't tell my heart was just ripped out of my chest and i didn't get in.
i'm literally sobbing right now after jess told me on the phone to please not cry.
i cry at the drop of a hat, of course i'll cry at this decision that effects my entire life.
it kills me. i just wanted it so badly.
and nothing,
i thought that 2007 was going to be so muhc better, but its not,
its continuing in the shit on caitlin fashion that 2006 took up.
apparently its the new initiation for years. if you can ruin caitlins life your awesome.
i wanted it. i really really wanted it.
and apparently anytihng i want- i can't get.
jess suggested that i go and drink copious amounts to make this okay tonight.
i did that last year. it didn't work well. and plus who would i do that with?
i don't want to drink with certain people.
i hate drinking with them most of the time cause it makes me realize further what it is thats feeding this anger and depression and all around "bah"ness that i'm feeling all the time.
usually all i want to do is sleep. and right now all i want to do is cry and then sleep for about 20 years.
then i'll wake up. be 40. have no life goals or aspirations and nothing can hurt me then. i can jsut be this weird spinster lady with her cats or something and i dont have to worry about getting my heart broken again.
and i just want to not be in north jersey.
i need to be in a city. i wanted philadelphia.
but i wanted it for music.
i dont know tha ti can apply to another school. for polisci or music or anything.
it just hurts too much to not get in.
i've done this whole rejection thing far too many times.
and i dont know that i want to anymore.
i know i dont want to be here.
but i dont want to be rejected from anywhere else anymore.
i can't do it.

i keep wanting to cry.
and shoot myself and others in the face.
i think i know the reason everything has been annoying me.
i'm growing up.
like i've been noticing the past few days... i'm almost too mature.
i know that i am not the most grown up person ever.
but i feel like i cna act more mature when necessary. i still know how to be young and be an asshole and stuff but i feel like i'm growing up and getting older and smarter about my choices and making concious decisions about my life... while certain other people are just being... not.

its so strange but it just clicked.
i was on a website for a book and at the bottom it said "children and teens"
i dont fit into those categories anymore.
i am an adult. definitly not a teenager.
i know i've been 20 for over 2 months now but it just sort of clicked.
i am twenty years old.
i am not part of the "youth" section of the book store, unless i choose to go there which is likely since i still like some of those books cause i'm hopelessly pathetic and cheesy but still... i don't really fit in there.
i am twenty.


how strange.

my funny valentine...

there were no classes today.
it really made no difference to me.
i never have classes on wednesdays.
everyone was celebrating their lack of classes- but i didnt see the point since i was going to have work to do no matter what.
i have a schedule i follow on wednesdays. sleep late cause i'm always exhausted and then do work all day to catch up for my classes for the next two days.whatever...

i'm watching this show and its about scientifically matching people- like this whole process and experiment in looks, personalities, and first impressions and all sorts of things. its very interesting. its proving that looks are a big thing. waist to hip ratio (which is a sign of fertility) for men chosing women, and height for women choosing men. the two tallest men, who were both atleast 6 feet tall, got 30 different dating offers. its just very... i dunno.... but its proved that scientific dating is not right around the corner. theres too many variables and idiosyncracies for peoples childhoods that play into this. but yeah...

anyways i should ge tback to my work cause i'm still not finished my notes on civil rights for poli sci.
<3g'night.

the kindest words i'll ever know are waiting to be said...

all i want to do right now is sleep.
i am finished rehearsal right now.
we actually finished about an hour early.
then nicole and i went to the grill.
and now i'm here.

and Cinderella starring Brandy is on. Thats quality.
Who knew Whoopie Goldberg and Victor Garger could have an asian son?
that takes some talent on all sides.
And then theeres Whitney Houston before she went hardcore crackwhore.
I personally prefer Leslie AnneWarren andGinger Rogers and Celest Holm and the rest from the 60s tvmoviecast. But whatever.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. Ugh.
I really have nothign against the Saint Valentine. Go him for breaking the law and marrying young couples who were in love. Like really its cool that he got killed doing something he believed in and whatnot. But the commercial piece of crap that the day has turned into kills me. Its just a stupid celebration of "love" that is really about most couples having sex or something. Why do you think November is the height of baby season? Whateverrrr.
But really it feels like the day has changed in spirit from what it was originally intended to be- now it seems more like a shit on singles day. and since i have been single every valentines day of my life... well you get the picture.
tomorrow will add to that of course. and i'll wanna shoot myself. or go to sleep.
probably the latter since thats all i ever want to do. for serious all i want to do anymore is sleep. every moment. last night i fell asleep at 11. i woke up this morning at 8:30 for class. thats still 9 and a half hours. last week i slept for 12 hours one night 10 another. today between classes and rehearsal i napped and now i am going to have some dinner and pass out again probably.
i told nicole i have mono or something and to please not hit me in the spleen or else i'll die. i know its not a good thing to joke about but with the amount of time i am sleeping it seems like the only answer!

the asian prince is searching for cinderella to fit the shoe to her foot. and bernadette peters is lying about brandy being hidden in the kitchen. tsk tsk.

and now everythings happy and it all works out.
why cant life be a rodgers and hammerstein musical where everything works out for the best if you are the good intentioned one? sure the evil people get screwed over but if you're good things might work out (unless its carousel. if you're good there your husband will kill himself and then comeback and hit your daughter out of "love")
life would be so much easier if it worked out like a musical.



btw- i would totally make out with you like right now.

hold on to the light that guides you...

I don't know what it is that i'm trying to do. It's like I'm floundering but swimming at the same time. I'm lazy but I want to get my work done. I avoid working, but I feel badly about not doing it. I want to see someone, but I'm scared to at the same time. Whatever. I'm a weirdo- but at least I know it, I guess.

I started writing this awhile ago and then forgot about it. I just started to fall asleep but I cant for atleast 15 more minutes, CSI Miami needs to end first.
I don't know why I just got so tired. Its like everything is catching up with me. All the nights of not sleeping and the days of early classes...

ohemgee! sorry- thats in reaction to csi.

waste of paint

So now I hang out down by the train's depot.
No, I don’t ride, I just sit and watch the people there.
They remind me of wind-up cars in motion.
They way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I wanna scream out that it all is nonsense.
Their life’s one track and can’t they see it’s pointless?
But just then my knees give under me.
My head feels weak and suddenly.
It’s clear to see, it’s not them, but me,
Who’s lost my self-identity.
And I hide behind these books I read,
While scribbling my poetry .
Like art could save a wretch like me.
With some ideal ideology,
That no one could hope to achieve.
And I'm never real, it's just a sketch of me.
And everything I’ve made is trite and cheap and a waste,
Of paint,
Of tape,
Of time.

So I park my car down by the cathedral.
Where the floodlights point up at the steeples.
Choir practice is filling up with people.
I hear the sound escaping as an echo.
Sloping off the ceiling at an angle.
When the voices blend they sound like angels.
I hope there’s some room still in the middle.
But when lift my voice up now to reach them,
The range is too high way up in heaven.
So I hold my tongue, forget the song ,
Tie my shoes, start walking off.
And try to just keep moving on,
With my broken heart and my absent god
And I have no faith but it’s all I want,
To be loved,
And believe,
In my soul, in my soul.

i should be doing homework right now. nice and ready for a polisci quiz tomorrow.
but i'm not at all. i have no idea what i'm doing or what i should be taking notes on or anytthing.
i started to highlight the book and then realized thats just stupid.
highlighting does nothing to help you remember.
i think i'm just going to fake my way through it and hope that theres no quiz tomorrow.
and if theres is hope that its the one i do the worst on - cause the one grade gets dropped.
i am back at fdu.
its fine.
its quiet.
i did all my dishes and put everything away.
my room looks so full.
i feel empty.

i want to talk to a specific person right now.
lets see if we can make that happen.

screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.

plans fell through.
whos surprised?
not me- unfortunately.
i really shouldn't be so used to dissapointment.
and yet i am. oh well... i guess.
but at least i'm home...i like being home more then other places... which is kind of sad since i'm twenty years old and this should be the time that i want to flee the nest and get as much world experience as possible... and the truth is i do- just not in the place that i spend all of my time... meaning madison or florham park. whatever you want to consider it cause the campus is titled both.
i'm watching match point right now. its quite good.
and i finally remembered the name of the store i fell in love with in england- topshop. the clothing was just what i want- its like what h&m will have eventually... but not quite yet.


i want to take a field trip to somewhere. i just dont know where...

but hows my new picture?

so go ahead and lose yourself in liquor

home!!!!
back in south jersey.
its weirdly a tiny bit warmer here i swear. or maybe its just that i'm a little bit more happy to be out of madison. but whatever. i'm here and home and trying to get warm- its not really working yet.

i havent even been upstairs to my room yet to see what kind of state thats in. i'm kind of scared to.
but anyways home for the weekend. back at sometime on sunday.
hopefully seeing and hanging out with miss nikki or colleen or both tomorrow. that's be awesome.

i don't know what it is that i'm doing... but i think i might just continue on with it. who knows where it'll take me- or us - or anything.

and furthermore i want an answer now. a big envelope with my name on it. and a triangle. and four pillars. and a philadelphia address... and a big fat bunch of papers addressing how i will be attending a new school come fall.
i really wouldn't be adverse to staying at fdu for one more semester to go to wroxton- but after that i won't have anything else i can do. i'll be stuck at fdu for the rest of my college career. i dont want that...

also i saw this thing on the news about "The New Church." It has existed for hundreds and hundreds of years, but its kept to a very small group in certain areas. But it is valid- Abraham Lincoln was a member of it. I just thought the idea behind it was very interesting. As the article said... "Their belief is that Heaven is very much like life, only better and at the core of the after life is marriage. The teachings are that everyone in Heaven is married. If you truely love each other you can be married forever. However, the belief is if you are single on Earth you will be paired with your true love in Heaven. If you do attend, you'll also notice the absence of crosses. While they believe Jesus died on the cross, they don't believe it as to atone for the sins of the world. "Rather he came to liberate us and to give his life in the same sense that a solider gives his life for his country..."

I just thought it was really cool...


also whos this anonymous person with the comments.... just let me know.

(rumor has it tomorrow will be warmer, like above freezing for the first time in a week or so. i'm excited.)

do you take plight on my tounge like lead? do you fall gracefully into bed anymore?

i miss listening to lisa loeb.

anyways practice was music-tastic.
i think i might be returning to south jersey this weekend.
anyone wanna play?

i don't know what it is i'm doing here.
i picked up a wroxton application incase i am here next year. they said i should get it back to them in the next week and a half to assure myself a spot. thats such a short amount of time. i just want to know about philadelphia before i commit to something in another country that i will then be forced to back out of. i dont want to start by taking the place of someone who knows they definitly want to go.
maybe if i go home this weekend i'll get a little letter.
maybe god wants me to be there when i get it this time.
so i can see it. feel it. read it.
know whether its a yes or a no.
although if this is the work of god i'd prefer to think it would be a yes cause if god was making me wait to be there to read the letter it would just be cruel to have it reject me. right?
and i don't want to think of god as being so cruel.

i really just want this to work out. really badly.
whoever said "philly wants you too" - i love you
and whoever said "philly is frilly" - i love you too

but who did it?!

i want a lover i don't have to love i want a boy so drunk he doesnt talk

listening to bright eyes again <3
emo returns.

anyways. walking across campus last night on the way back from rehearsal i left a little bit after most so iw as walking by myself. I looked around at everything. The ground with snow still on it. The biting cold. The beautiful architecture of the mansion. The rock. The field. The library. The deer. I just took it all in. It really is a beautiful place. And I do appreciate the beauty of it all. But I don't know that its what I need. I can understand people like Amy who want suburbia and quiet and calm but I don't think I'm one of them. I need action and movement and a city where there is life breathing all the time. It really hit me a few days ago. I walked out of my building to make the 7 minute walk to Dreyfuss for rehearsal and everything was still. There were a few other people walking around but there was barely any sound. I need sound. I need noise. I need life around me, not just in myself. Not to say that there is no life in or around in suburbia but I feel like its just too quiet for me. I need to get out of this damn bubble!

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

This whole waiting for an answer thing is killing me. By this time last year I had already known for 2 and a half weeks. I just want an answer so I can really plan on living in Philly next year. I really want to be in Philly. Manhattan would be wonderful but its out of the question. Far too expensive. But Philly isn't as bad- and its closer to home. And to friends. And to life. To everything. Philadelphia. I need it. <3

sit with my frozen smile, all the while reluctant to trust what i'm told

then again... maybe yes. :)

anyways i've come to the conclusion that classes are stupid and really not necessary to the whole college experience.who needs to learn- honestly?

i'm just over it at this point, which doenst bode well for the third week of classes. theres still 12 more weeks after this one. but only 12 and then i have a whole summer away from this place- at least. maybe more if things work out for me the way i need them too.

put it in the circle...




this could make me happy maybe?
you know?
fingers crossed.

Dear Ginsberg.

Dear Ginsberg,

I wrote a letter to Ginsberg and
sent it to the sky,
through my eyes and to the
nearset stars and with pupils,
opened wide, i cried and cried,
unashamed, uninhibited. the
angels read aloud to Ginsberg
sitting in some heavenness sky.

I proclaim
oh Ginsberg you made me weep
and weep the teary-est tears
for all my years, although
only twenty, I aged with you
and sat in my skin
rocking and creaking
like nana's old rocking chair.

And a soft chuckle,
short gasps of breath
that otherwise would have
been the screams of
beauty like some lonely
streetlight that begs
to be stood under,
orange skinned
and orange tinged...

And to here you sacrifice
yourself time and time again
and splattered`your bloody
ink and your invisible
soul to me and to others
and i wiped my eyes once
again..

I proclaim oh Ginsberg,
You made me wish for a soft body,
and soft hair,
naked touches,
and the power of the nail
that scratches and marks
the skin and be handled
and and and and,
for the cool soft sweat
and shivers under the covers...

You made me want to
jump off balconies and
out of windows testing the limits
of constructed worlds
and falsehoods that look
like movie sets,
and find the rubber airbags
to catch me,
and say ha! I knew it!

Ginsberg,
I apologize for stealing
your style,
I promise I'm not
making a dime...

Ginsberg,
how am I supposed to
write what you have already
wrote? How will I see
everything anew,
and fresh,
will they come to me?
Or will I have to dig
under the graves of dead
plants,dead water
to see a reflection,
a simile,
a verse?

No wait,
Ginsberg,
don’t tell,
don’t kiss,
don’t, kiss and tell,
stay silent,
I don’t want to know,
I want to know,
but I want to know…
I’ll know
when I see it,
when I feel it,
when I smell it,
and when I do, I’ll weep
for me,
weep for you,
weep for the world
weep for everything imaginable,
weep for dusty roads,
and highways,
weep for new clouds,
and new adventures,
weep for weep,
weep for weep’s sake,
for this I will sleep and wake.

Dear Ginsberg, thank you.

but i guess thats not happening...

So. I've been thinking about it. I would not be adverse to some things.
I really should be less cryptic, else someone assume they actually know what I'm tlaking about and be completely wrong but too bad- thats not how I do.

I had this dream last night and it was knida nice and it would be really okay if it was one of those deja vu type moments where something happens in a dream first and then in real life...

really that would be okay.



ps. i think your kind of cute too.

i am no saint.

Well here I am. Back from the city . It was a painfully cold day. But it was cool...

I miss hanging out with Danielle so I take whatever chance I can to do so.. and today was worth it. It ended up being me and her wandering around the city a bunch. We went to lunch and then met with Matt and went all over the place. It was just nice... and kinda fun too, I thought.
I got these ridiculously oversized sunglasses- Nicole Richie style. I love them! But yeah it was a good day I think...


I'm so tired and cold at this point from walking around everywhere and just from the freezing weather. I'm curled in a ball right now with 2 layers of clothing on and two blankets and I'm still not warm enough. Oh well.


I don't know what to say here. I know what I want to come out but I don't know how to say this... because i almost don't want everyone to understand it. Ask me and maybe I'll explain it later.. but right now its for me and the fwe people I tell but...


I would be willing to. I want to at this point. Maybe not right here, right now but sometime soon. In the next year? I just want it to be over with. Stop the build up. But theres certain people who you meet and right away you could see something with them. And it would be so cool if that kind of thing could work out. Amazing, even. I would love to have the kind of luck where it wasn't all "by chance" but close to it. Where everything just came down to the day you chose to go somewhere or the night you decided to show up. It would be cool. But yeah... I want to see a person again. And soon.... just to see what might happen..

i lied. probably city today- in a few hours.
i'm so excited- jessi spano style.


is it weird that i really want to talk to this kid?
and i barely know him....

oh whatev.
this post is only cause i know i'll forget during the day or something so its happening now... at almost 3:30.
theres some crazy post-apocalyptic world/china (maybe?) movie on hob and it makes no sense and the government has a sovereign monarchy and theres this crazy good fighter princess and a soldier guys actually named "warchild" and the acting is so wooden- but i just cant turn it off... its so bad it deserves to be watched.

vittles = food. . . who knew?

carousel- no rehearsal yesterday was so necessary, it gave me time to sleep. not that i really did- but if i had allowed myself to i would've been able too. instead i did homework and just kinda layed around not moving.. but still.


i had been planning on going to the city tomorrow but theres a crazy amount of snow coming down right now so maybe not... :( that dissapoints me, but whatever i guess. maybe another weekend- or a wednesday if i dont have rehearsal.

anywaysssss ...


"We're all terrified, but let's just live anyway."-Raul Esparza

I need you to save me too.

New Challenge- write every day in February.
Today being the first I'm actually starting on time.
I make no promises about the fullness of these posts or that rationality behind them.They may just be quotes or a few sentences jotted down, or they may be long diatribes that you don't want to read cause I'll get all ranty and whatnot. Its your choice. But I am going to try my hardest to write every day. If the site goes down- well then sucks to be me- but whatever.

So to start- i think I'm dying. I have this cold and its killing me- for reals. Theres this cough that kind of makes my whole body shake, I can't contain it. And the burning sore throat- and ther was a fever but that went down, and then theres the coughing so strongly I can't keep anything in my stomach- thats a fun one. Thats what my life has been the past three days now. I just want to get better. I want to sing tomorrow. I want to sing and dance and so on and so forth. But I don't think I will. And it kills me cause I have to sing for Musical Theater tomorrow- "Taking a Chane On Love" I didn't sing it Tuesday cause I was sick and the plan was I would go Friday. But I'm still not better yet! Maybe by tomorrow.... perhaps Grey's will have a magical soothing effect on me, McDreamy and whatnot.

But there is one good thing about tomorrow- No Weather and Climate! Woohoo! And also I don't have rehearsal tonight, a night off! Oh yeah, I got into Carousel, by the way. Only Ensemble but some people didnt get in at all so its mostly okay. Though a part would have been really nice.
But anyways cast list went up Monday morning. First rehearsal was Monday night. Nothing like wasting no time at all. We've alreayd have three rehearsals and one dance is practically finished being choreographed in a bare bones kind of way. Theres still a lot to be done with cleaning and certain spots but the outline is definitely there. Now its just a matter of shading. (to get all artisticly termed on ya)

If I feel like not shit on Saturday I believe it is time for a trip to the city I love so dearly. I haven't been there since November- I'm starting to feel cut off from Manhattan, which is just not allowed. So yeah I believe Saturday will be a trip day, and I may try to drag Nicole with me. And maybe see some Matt Ellis I hope....

Anyways I think I want to lie down and maybe get a bit of sleep since last night I really didn't get any. As soon as I'd start to doze I'd cough myself awake. I ended up staying up until about 7 am, finally falling asleep and then waking up with my alarm at 10. So not cool.

So yeah... I will write later- like tomorrow's date. Since I will keep up with this whole thing.