all is well

Wake up
Look me in the eyes again
I need to feel your hand upon my face


life keeps moving forward and i just go with it.
i am graduating from college in a matter of days.
since i last updated i have completed an entire run of a show, a professional stage management gig at that. go me.
things are still going well with the boy.
and i'm somewhat happy.

there are still moments, major times when sadness creeps up on me and starts to close in so tight i can barely breathe...
but then they pass. or i fight my way through.
and life is good again.
so all i can say is all is well and let us hope it remains this way.

I laugh because I don't know how else to react.
You do that to me.
It is definitely not a 'laugh at you'. It is a laugh with you, a laugh out of embarrassment because that's my only line of defense against something so sweet...

The most 'romantic' and sweet thing to ever be directed my way was said this afternoon.
I just about melted onto my cheap tile floor. Instead I giggled and hid my face, because I did not know what else to do. What I could do...

"All I know is you are the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night."

And that is when I turned into a puddle.

I am easily annoyed. This has always been an issue. Very small insignificant things get on my nerves. However, I am also very passive aggressive. Rather than confront whatever it is that may be annoying me I will make snide side comments or roll my eyes. I will not make a direct statement addressing the issue.

There are many of us, the non-confrontational kids, out there. You all know at least one of us, though more likely tons of them. This has always been my way. I just cannot directly confront another being about my feelings, whether positive or negative. It's just my issue.

And now, I will be passive aggressive via this blog. I will not direct this to anyone specific but there is intention behind this post. I do not do this all the time, but here goes...


If something is told to you in confidence, please keep it to yourself. If it is not your business to tell others, again, keep it to yourself. I am twenty-three years old. I am living my own life as I see fit. If you do not agree with or approve of any of my decisions and choices, so be it. Thankfully, you are not being forced to deal with their repercussions, that is all on me. I am finally reaching a point in my life where I am comfortable with myself as a person. I do what I can to help others. I complete whatever tasks are set before me. I try to react to situations with a mature and level head. I am attempting to be the grown up I want to be seen as. So please, do not undercut me and my growth by making those around me believe fallacies about my lifestyle. I do not appreciate it.


Here's the truth. I drink. I have sex. I smoke from time to time. I earn A's in school. I kickass at my internship and am over qualified for my ASM job. I am growing into a pretty great person in my opinion. Don't stop me now.

Thanks.

I can keep my cool at poker
But I'm a fool when love's at stake.
Because I can't conceal emotion
What I'm feelings always written on my face.

Oh, Joni Mitchell. You know.


One more week of performances for A Coupla White Chicks Sitting Around Talking, quite possibly the worst play title ever. It hasn't been a horrible experience. It had its moments, but its not so bad.

Hung out with Jones tonight. Saw him for the first time since I left the surf back in August. It was fun. We just hung out, talked, remembered the summer, talked about the people we're seeing. It was nice. Just like old times. But minus Corinne :(.

Tomorrow night Greg is coming over which will be lovely. I hope. I think.

He makes me happy. And I haven't been happy in a while. I know I shouldn't depend on someone else to make me happy, and I'm not. I'm happy on my own, but he makes me... happier. And thats wonderful.



I love Across the Universe, by the way. I have it playing to go to sleep to.

Instead of panicking about your freedom being potentially lost, think about how love ultimately connects all of us in a bewildered mess...

oar

"You
You were just no good for me.
But you're sweet like a cupcake
And I wanna eat you up.
You."

I'm ready for this.
I am ready for my life to come at me, to grow, to change.
I am ready.


If you know me at all, you are likely familiar with the fact that I have this tendency of overthinking. Everything. It's just a part of who I am.
But right now I am ready to stop over thinking and just be. To accept life as it is and to be alive and happy and experience life as it comes at me.
I don't know if I am going to stick with this new found willingness to accept my life. But I hope so, because I am finally starting to feel happier. Lighter. I'm enjoying my life instead of just living it.

My Valentines Day present for the boy. I was working under short notice and limited means, thus a 2-cd mix collection was the only real option for me.

Music I Think Doesn’t Suck
Vol. 1

Fall on Me – Cry Cry Cry
To Be Alone With You- Sufjan Stevens
Extraordinary Machine- Fiona Apple
Love and Doubt- Slow Runner
Jenny, You’re Barely Alive- Rilo Kiley
Popular Mechanics for lovers- Beulah
Chestnut Hill- Denison Witmer
Kite Song- Rosie Thomas
Get Here Fast- Allison Kaplan
Blue Eyes- Cary Brothers
Warm Whispers- Missy Higgins
You You You You You- The 6ths
Just Stay- Kevin Devine

Vol. 2

Hold You In My Arms- Ray LaMontagne
Where Does It Hurt?- Alexz Johnson
Sideways- Matt Caplan
Green and Gray- Nickel Creek
All the Stars- Eastmountainsouth
Meant to be- Melissa Polinar
All We Are- Matt Nathanson
Falling Slowly- The Swell Season
Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters- Elton John
Stay- Lisa Loeb
Deep in February- Gaby Alter
Don’t think Twice, It’s All Right- Bob Dylan
Love Love Love- the Mountain Goats
Gotta Have You- The Weepies

Timing.

It seems to me that everything in life comes down to timing. Things as big as love, career, and family, death even. But even things as small as crossing a street or catching a subway. It's all in the timing. So, what can we do? No one has completely perfect timing. Do we make every effort to take control of our lives and get our choices as precisely timed as possible? Or do we go with the flow and let life come at us as it will?

In my 23 years I have tried both of these approaches to life. Throughout my college career especially, I have attempted to control everything as well as I could. This is a part of why I am such a good stage manager (which I am.) But in the past six months or so I have stopped. Stopped trying to control and rule and force my life to take a certain direction. I came to more of a 'go with the flow' type of persona. Things became easier. I still get my work done, I see my friends and I am less stressed.

I have an idea of what led to this change in me this past summer. It was a result of multiple things but it was truly born out of a lack of control. When I felt like my world was falling apart even with my attempts at ruling it. I was grasping at straws at this point. This summer I truly learned that there are things in life you cannot plan for or predict or even expect at all.

This realization is the one that broke me, spurred my change. And while I would give anything to not have come to this transition in my life, I know not that is not possible. And I know that I an now the better for it. With everything that may not be going well in my life I am happier now than I have been in a long time.

Dear Ginsburg

Dear Ginsberg,

I wrote a letter to Ginsberg and
sent it to the sky,
through my eyes and to the
nearset stars and with pupils,
opened wide, i cried and cried,
unashamed, uninhibited. the
angels read aloud to Ginsberg
sitting in some heavenness sky.

I proclaim
oh Ginsberg you made me weep
and weep the teary-est tears
for all my years, although
only twenty, I aged with you
and sat in my skin
rocking and creaking
like nana's old rocking chair.

And a soft chuckle,
short gasps of breath
that otherwise would have
been the screams of
beauty like some lonely
streetlight that begs
to be stood under,
orange skinned
and orange tinged...

And to here you sacrifice
yourself time and time again
and splattered`your bloody
ink and your invisible
soul to me and to others
and i wiped my eyes once
again..

I proclaim oh Ginsberg,
You made me wish for a soft body,
and soft hair,
naked touches,
and the power of the nail
that scratches and marks
the skin and be handled
and and and and,
for the cool soft sweat
and shivers under the covers...

You made me want to
jump off balconies and
out of windows testing the limits
of constructed worlds
and falsehoods that look
like movie sets,
and find the rubber airbags
to catch me,
and say ha! I knew it!

Ginsberg,
I apologize for stealing
your style,
I promise I'm not
making a dime...

Ginsberg,
how am I supposed to
write what you have already
wrote? How will I see
everything anew,
and fresh,
will they come to me?
Or will I have to dig
under the graves of dead
plants,dead water
to see a reflection,
a simile,
a verse?

No wait,
Ginsberg,
don’t tell,
don’t kiss,
don’t, kiss and tell,
stay silent,
I don’t want to know,
I want to know,
but I want to know…
I’ll know
when I see it,
when I feel it,
when I smell it,
and when I do, I’ll weep
for me,
weep for you,
weep for the world
weep for everything imaginable,
weep for dusty roads,
and highways,
weep for new clouds,
and new adventures,
weep for weep,
weep for weep’s sake,
for this I will sleep and wake.

Dear Ginsberg, thank you.

- Brian Martinez

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesize
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

"Then he shifted, moving closer to me, and I felt his arm press against mine, his skin warm. And then, finally, he kissed me- really kissed me- and I couldn't hear anything: not the water, the music, or even my own heart, which had to be pounding. Instead, it was just silence, the very best kind, stretching out forever, or only a moment, and then it was over."

-Just Listen

i was fired from my job today.

i was then taken out drinking to comfort me by my sister and cousin.
i just felt awkward.

and then i think i went to far or asked to much of someone that i don't want to scare away.


all in all, a fucking great saturday night.

I like this boy.

It takes a lot for me to allow myself to admit that. But its true.
I really do like him.

And I know some people think that might mean nothing but coming from me it means a lot.
I don't like to show emotional weakness or whatever by letting my guard down and admitting to having feelings for people. But I can't help it this time.
I really do like him.

I may not be shouting it down broad street or putting it on facebook or writing crappy songs about it but its the truth. I like him.

Just talking like this makes me feel so much younger than I actually am. 23 years old and I can barely admit to 'liking' someone. But thats just my own emotional immaturity. Perhaps I'll grow up soon. But for now... I like him.


And I think he likes me too.

6 hours.

I have about 6 hours until I am due into work. I only left there about 3 hours ago. That is cruel. But tomorrow is only a day shift not a double and its followed by seeing Red Ryder with Colleen. And heavy alcohol usage after that. What fun.


I am unbelievably sore. Running around at work today did not help. But its partly my own doing so I have to take it.


This past week or two has been quite interesting. This past month really in terms of whats been going on in my life. But really the past two weeks.


People really can surprise you.
And it can be amazing.

And just what you thought. And nothing like you planned.
And I really enjoy this.

Oh, Holly.

Oh, Holly
So thin, so pretty, so confused.
Oh, Holly
The perfect girl for being used.
You act like you know everything
For everyone you meet
But you're lost and you're scared
Little girl, you're incomplete.

Oh, Holly
With your over-sized glasses and your dark hair
Oh, Holly
You're so busy faking that you can't care
You wish that you were perfect
But what could be the cost
You run away from who you are
Little girl, lost.

And you think that no one sees
The sadness in your eyes.
You fill your past with fictions.
You're drowning in your lies.
Feeling mean reds everyday,
Play 'Moon River' every night.
When ya gonna give up, Holly?
You could be all right.

Oh, Holly
With your many men and your fake friends.
Oh, Holly
All that you can do is play pretend.
Wear a little black dress
And light your cigarette.
Go through the motions everyday.
Do you feel better yet?

And you think that no one sees
The sadness in your eyes.
You fill your past with fictions.
You're drowning in your lies.
Feeling mean reds everyday,
Play 'Moon River' every night.
When will all your games stop, Holly?
You could be all right.
You might be all right.
You will be all right.

-Caitlin Reed, 2010 (c)

Stay

(at least thats it's current title. very likely to change.)

A trail of smoke 'tween your fingertips.
I follow it back to your lips
And I
Wanna take your breath away
And I
Wanna be with you so stay
With me

Cause we could be together
Without the fear or the pressure
And we could hide here forever
So Stay.
Stay.

Brush the hair away from my face
I feel look like a disgrace
But you
Act as if you cannot see
And you
Make me feel like its okay
To be me.

And we could be together
Without the fear or the pressure
And we could hide here forever
So Stay.
Stay.

Don't you think that we
Could try to be happy
Without having to worry 'bout the bullshit
Just like everyone else does
We would understand
If you'd just take my hand

Cause I've always know
That we could be together
Without the fear or the pressure
And we could hide here forever
So Stay.
Just stay.

-Caitlin Reed, 2010 (c)

new year, new something.

Welcome to 2010.
It's crazy. I still remember when it was the mid-90s and that does not feel that long ago.

NYE party at 1414 was insanity. Fun, but crazy.
Work tonight was good. I only worked for about 5 hours and walked away with
$150. That NEVER happens.

And now, to start the year off right. Lyrics to a new song I just wrong about 10 minutes ago!

First (the smell of her hair?)


Wrapped in blankets, huddling
Under what I couldn’t call love
An eventful night connecting
below and above

But what this is has been here for a while before
And if we keep on going now can we return to what we were once more
I’m afraid that we can’t

Because she was here first
She’ll always be ahead of me
She was here first
And soon there’ll be nothing left of me
I’ll give you all I can but still it won’t compare
Cause she was here first
And you still long for
The smell of her hair

We act like this is normal.
Nothing here is is strange.
We talk like nothings different
But I can feel the change

What mistake did we just make
How can I live through this
A whole world can shift
Due to one tiny (not so tiny) kiss.

Whatever we once were we are not anymore
And now we can’t turn back to being what we were before once more

But still she was here first
She’ll always be ahead of me
She was here first
And soon there’ll be nothing left of me
I’ll give you all I am but nothing can compare
Cause she was your first love
And you still long for her
You still pray for her
I know you're waiting for her
And the smell of her hair.
The smell of her hair.
The smell of her
Hair...

the quotes of my facebook.

'm pretty sure college is just a metaphor for some awkward fruit, like guava. -Bernie O'Brien

It is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed. It is shyness before any sort of new and unforseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope, but only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical, will live the relation to another as something alive.-Rilke

With him life was routine, without him life was unbearable. - To Kill A Mockingbird

"We're all terrified, but let's just live anyway."-Raul Esparza

“it is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that’s dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It’s so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can’t say the things you want to.” — Henry Rollins

"Tell me everything; when you'll be out again, where you'll be at Christmas and that you think of me and love me... I don't want you for a day (though I'd sell my toes to see you now my dear, only for a minute, to kiss you once and make a funny face at you): a day is the length of a gnat's life: I want you for the lifetime of a big, mad animal, like an elephant." -Dylan Thomas

"Great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex, and sex disguised as love... " -Almost Famous

and as the awkwardness grew so did the obviousness of what was bound to happen from the start. the night ended with two touches of lips-Kurt Halsey

caitlin reed caitlin reed she's too cool for 7th grade
caitlin reed she's like one in a MILLION!
-Mark Jesse Swanson

"i wanna marry him and we'll have little theater babies." -nicole.

wasting time

2009 - thank god it's almost over...

ANSWER THE QUESTIONS:


Stayed single almost the whole year?
yes.

Done something you've regretted?
i try not to regret anything major i've done.

Lost someone?
yes (<3 RIP Spanky)

Cut class?
yup.

Were involved in something you'll never forget?
oh yes.

Visited a different country?
Nope, not in 2009.

Cooked a gross meal?
it's likely.

Lost something important to you?
yes.

Got a gift you adore?
Yes!

Tripped over a coffee table?
Most definitely.

Dyed your hair?
Nope!

Came close to losing your life?
Not that I know of.

Went to a party?
Several.

Read a great book?
Many.

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
YES! Best birthday ever.


2009: Friends and Enemies

Did you meet any new friends this year?
Many.

Did you dislike anyone?
OH YEAH.

Did you grow apart from anyone?
Unfortunately, but it was inevitable I guess.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
Time management issues, plus the whole being in school while my friends are all out in the real world.


2009: Your BIRTHDAY!

Did you have a cake?
Nope. But I did get some sort of Stephen Starr dessert with a candle on top.

Did you have a party?
Nope. A concert.

Did you get any presents?
A hair cut, a pedicure, gift cards to the book store and mountain goats tickets.

Were you single?
Yes.


2009: All about YOU

Did you change at all this year?
Yes. It's impossible to stay completely the same, isn't it?

Did you change your style?
My clothes became more simplistic. Black leggings, white mens t-shirts, ballet flats/flipflop/boots.

Were you in school?
Yes.

Did you get good grades?
Good enough.

Did you drive?
Never!

Did you own a car?
No need.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I know of. Anyone wanna fess up?

Did you move at all?
Only for the summer.

Did you go on any vacations?
Nope.

Would you change anything about yourself now?
Always.

2009 WRAP UP:

Was 2009 a good year?
It was a year of really high highs and incredible lows.

When did things change for you if they did?
May 11, July 2, September 12.

Do you think 2010 will be better then 2009?
Yes. I hope so at least.

My best friends in 2009 were?
ACH. Family. 1414.

In 2009 I....

(x) stayed single for the whole year
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
( ) had your heart broken
( ) mooned someone
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) done something you've regretted

OTHER

( ) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog on MySpace
( ) visited a foreign country
(x) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
( ) lied about how old you were
( ) prank called someone

In 2009 I also....

[x] broke a promise
[ ] fell out of love
[x] told a little white lie
[x] lied
[x] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[x] slept under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[ ] forgot your new years resolution
[ ] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life.
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[x] pretended to be sick
[ ] left the country
[ ] almost died
[x] given up on something/someone important to you
[x] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you
[x] had a high cell phone bill
[x] spent most of your money on food
[ ] had a fist fight
[x] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
[x] gotten sick

HERE'S TO 2010 - IT'S GOTTA BE BETTER!

oy. unnecessary drama. but whatever. i can't control it. i just want to put it out there, its my fault and no one elses. it was my choice, my invitation.

blah.


the last week of classes is upon us. i don't know what i am doing. tomorrow i have a case study due. i have no idea what to do about it. i am struggling. and i really kind of just want to go out to the bar tonight. but i won't i'm going to be good tonight and do ym work. and write my case puzzle and then work on my play and then figure out when i can maybe film for my documentary and then cry myself to sleep.

at least i ended up with 3 shifts at doc watsons this week. friday- day, saturday and sunday-night (first cut). it feels like it should be thursday already, not barely tuesday.

ugh.

and in a moment your low self-esteem can be helped, not fixed, but helped.
and boosted.

and my god it can be fun.

low self-esteem moments are the pits.

two touches of lips

with the door propped open we again delayed
the necessary farewell
for sleep's sake
and as the awkwardness grew
so did the obviousness of what was bound to happen
from the start.

the night ended with two touches of lips.

-kurt halsey.




Just something I liked and seemed right to me at this moment.

Happy thanksgiving, by the way!

i put on my brave face every time i see you and you're with her.
everybody tells me that you and me will never work.
i have come to terms with this somehow.
i'm okay but there's still a part of me that wants to hear you saying that you love me.
saying that you love me now.




washing the dishes was never so fun as it was last night.

I have no claim to him. None at all. Yet, I feel possessive all the same.
It's strange, I know. And it makes absolutely no sense.
Yet, when I know of an interaction with another girl that first thing I wonder is "How much prettier is she than me?" And its almost guaranteed that she is, but still. Why am I torturing myself over nothing? Something or better yet, someone that shouldn't even bother me.

I make absolutely no sense.

In other news...

It's been very interesting staying up here in New York.
I've been staying with Aly, which is always fun. I miss having her as a roommate in Philly. It's very educational to observe the workshopping process with the dialogue of Golden Age. One to be in the room with these amazing talented people but also just to observe the directors process and berth of knowledge and everything that is going on there. It really is quite incredible. And I'm learning.

Unfortunately I am running low on funds so entertainment and fun type things will have to be cut short. I just don't know that I can even afford food right now for the next 3 days in addition to my bus fare. This might be bad news bears for Caitlin...
We shall see.

i love sexually charged banter with people i wont see for a few months from now.
it makes me happy.

an email just made me cry.

I check my uarts email and i happened to get a reminder email form 30boxes, a calendar website i used 2 years ago to keep track of some things.

Today's email was:


Narendra says:
Brrrriiiiiiiing!

Bon jour Caitlin. I'm Narendra from 30 Boxes and this is your reminder:

Spanky's Birthday
begins November 11
Born in 1988


Maybe I should take that down. I can't celebrate his birthday this year. Except maybe by remembering him and how amazing he was and how much i miss him every single day and how i feel like a part of my heart is gone without him here still. And how its been just four months last week and it hurts. And i cry and i just miss him is all.

What were you doing-
1 minute ago: typing?
1 hour ago: reading
1 day ago: riding from jersey to philly. doing homework. watching the world series.
1 week ago: I can't even remember. i'm sure I was drowning in homework then too.
1 month ago: Panic attacks.
1 year ago: Talk Radio and 18 credits.
5 minutes ago: reading.
5 hours ago: The Holiday.
5 days ago: Train from Philly to Jersey.
5 weeks ago: Tech
5 months ago: Surflight.
5 years ago: Senior year of high school. I was so young and didn't even know it.

i hurt: my lungs and back. I hate being sick.
i love: easily.
i hate: my instincts.
i fear: death and loss.
i hope: eternally.
i feel alone: a fair amount of the time. But not necessarily in a bad way.
i break: sunglasses far too easily. But never hearts.
i listen: well, but I do not follow well.
i hide: under the covers.
i breathe: with a struggle.
i play: dress up.
i feel: sick. ew.
i miss: that feeling.
i know: far too much useless information.
i say: what feels right, though it is usually wrong.
i dream: in colors that have never been made.
i want: the world.
i fell: hard.
i wait: patiently.
i need: freedom, beauty, truth and love.

-last movie you saw: The Holiday.
-last movie you saw on the big screen: Post Grad (It was pretty terrible.)
-last phone numnber you called: Dad.
-last show you watched: So You Think You Can Dance
-last song you heard: How To Not Be With You- Josh Young
-last thing you had to drink: Water.
-last thing you ate: cereal.
-last time you showered: morning.
-last time you cried: Two weeks ago, at 4 in the morning, at my mothers house. Too many memories creep up on me
-last time you smiled: Walking home from class, talking to mom on the phone. "I'm not a failure at Art Education!"
-last time you laughed: I'm not positive but definitely this weekend. Saturday night and Sunday morning both.
-last person you kissed: Jones.
-last thing you said: 'night.
-last person you talked to online: Melendez.
-last person you talked to on the phone: Dad.
-last thing you smelled: Burning candle.

Do you...
-smoke? occasionally.
-drink? yes.
-sleep with stuffed animals? no.
-have a boy/girlfriend? hah, cute.
-have a dream that keeps coming back? no.
-play an instrument? i sure try to.
-believe there is life on other planets? yes, if not thats a big waste of space.
-read the newspaper? when I can. I usually read the news online.
-believe its possible to remain faithful forever? I hope.
-consider yourself tolerant of others? Yes, except when it comes to idiocy. I have a hard time tolerating that. It's something I'm working on.
-consider the police a friend or foe? In my neighborhood, friend.
-like the taste of alcohol? yes.
-have a favorite stooge? Seriously?
-believe in astrology? It's fun.
-believe in magic? Also fun.
-pray? Yes.
-go to church? Not as often as I should. I have a hard time with certain church related things.
-have any secrets? Doesn't everyone?
-have any pets? None. Though my roommate has a cat, Button.
-go to or plan to go to college? So close to graduating.
-talk to strangers who IM you? Sometimes.
-wear hats? Yes.
-have any peircings? Ears and nose.
-have any tatoos? Not yet, but maybe when i have money.
-wish on stars? All the time.
-like your handwriting? Not really.
-have any bad habits? Nail biter with a messy room.
-believe in Satan? I honestly don't know.
-believe in Santa? No.
-believe in the easter bunny? No.
-believe in the tooth fairy? No. Ruined by Shawn Parker when I was 9.
-have a second family? 'My friends can be my family'
-trust others easily? Too easily.
-like sarcasm? Psh, no... or yes.
-take walks in the rain? Yes.

Ever been kicked out of the mall? Close to, when I was young.
This or that? A bit of both.
Rain or snow? Both.
Silver or Gold? Silver or white gold.

unbelievable.

I am at my mothers house and we've been watching assorted wedding shows all evening.
There are people getting married who say they want this to be the day they seem the most in love in their lives.

I think these people are stupid. Seriously idiots.

Why would you want the wedding day to be the day you seem to be the most in love? That is just the beginning. You need to be the most in love you've been thus far, and move forward from there. Just grow with the love you alreayd have, and let that become deeper than it already was.


Stupid, stupid people.

i am not this body that imprisons me.

This is the only place that I can see
And I am the only person I can be.



Two months have passed since I've written and so much has happened.
I finished up at Surflight.
Had incredible amounts of fun with people I absolutely loved.
Came back to Philadelphia and jumped into the semester feet first.
Jessica got new lungs! Finally! After months and months of waiting. So far everything is going well with that, thank God.
To Kill A Mockingbird opens on Friday. Far too soon.
Midterms are here in two weeks.
Where is time going?

This is all just flying and its too much for me.
So I will go to bed since it 3:35 in the morning.

(Really I'm going to lay here listening to the new mountain goats cd and re-reading pride and prejudice.)

'I want to know what passion is while I am young..."

"It was all there: how his skin would feel against my fingertips, the strands against my palm, his hands rising up to my waist. "

Wasting time in the box office looking through my randoming writings.
It's quite fun how little sense i make at times, and how clear I can be at others.

I'm thinking about the choices we make. How we make them. What makes us come to those conclusions and decisions. A large portion of the time I just act on instinct. Which is not always the best thing to do, but so it goes. I have yet to completely ruin my life with a decisions I've made (at least not to my knowledge). I believe that some choices have come back and bit me in the ass, but for the most part I'm fairly satisfied with where I am. With who I am. With who I've become. I may not be the smartest, or the prettiest, or the best at anything, but I'm fairly content. And I think thats about all you can ask for in a world that is so full of unhappiness and upset. I'm good enough for me. Thus far.

Let's give it a few more months and see what I end up doing by the time I turn 23. I could concievable ruin my whole life by then (I'm not sure how, i'm just saying it is a legitimate possibility)


I simply amaze myself (not really, this is all lies).

This whole 6 hour shift thing really does not work for me. I get to antsy and bored for it. And thats with giving myself a break at 615 to get something from the chocolate bar. Bah. It kind fo sucks being trapped in this tiny, cold box. With everyone staring at you. Especially when you're having such a horrible hair day (which I currently am). Unfortunate. And I have the same shift tomorrow night : /
This will be a party. Totally.

I guess I should get back to doing my job, whatever that means.
I leave you with a quote, a favorite of mine.

"We're all terrified, but let's just live anyways" - Raul Esparza

well, thats that.

situation no more, i believe.
at least not in any awkward damaging way- just fun.
no strings.

loving life. and people. and parties. and good cover bands. and even the cast house.

its great. and even though there is drama, constantly, i manage to keep going. And to make my choices and not regret them.

You're on to me...

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter waht I say or do
I still feel you her 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me cause i'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, Leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here i am and I stand so tall
Just the way that I'm supposed to be
But you're onto me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

situation room.

I'm not sure where I'm going but I think I'll like it there. I'm trying my best to be nonchalant and cool. But really I'm boiling inside. My stomach is in secret knots. My head is spinning. But my lips keep a smirk and my eyes keep their smile. They wont deny me to anyone.

Just in case anyone is wondering, this summer is one of the weirdest, but greatest, and worst all at the same time. There have been heartbreaking tragedies but amazing friends. And I still have a month left.

I love my friends here. At first I was doubtful of how this whole situation would work out, but I'm glad with the way everything has turned. I like the people. The job is a job but its a good resume builder. And the location is wonderful. And the parties are incredible.
I sound like such a loser right now but it's completely accurate.
I may complain here and there but most days I absolutely love this place, or at least the people I chose to spend my time with.

And now to just work through this so-called 'situation', since apparently thats what I am. I am no ones situation. I am a bored 22 year old girl. Thats all. And others are just not sure what to do with that. I believe the word is deal. Deal with it.
And maybe enjoy it.

how has it been two weeks?

i miss you still. always. forever.
my wondertwin.

I'm not too sure what my issue is. It's like...
I just can't make up my mind about what I think or feel.

I can't differentiate between my feelings for certain people. Everything gets muddled up. I don't know whats up and whats down. I just wish I could sort myself out. I can't do this anymore. Too much feeling. If thats possible. I mean, I contain it. I can hold it back. But it's eating me up inside. Its twisting my heart and soul. Well, maybe not that dramatic but its certainly screwing with my head. I just want something concrete and established and understandable. I want to be able to look at someone and not feel jealous of what they have. I want it for myself. And I always seem to want it with someone I can't have that with. Someone who is completely unavailable to me. Maybe not closed off, but just not for me. They either belong to another person or there is some reason we're not meant to be, sometimes due to circumstances beyond my control.


Sometimes I think I am schizophrenic. Well, maybe not schizophrenic. Casually assuming the monkier without proper medical diagnosis is lightly melodramtic and disrespectful to true sufferers of the disease. But I do sometimes feel like Sybil with two versions of me rattling and banging around in my brain, arm wrestling each other for dominance. There is the Wannadoer" and the "Wishidinter": carefully thoughout nicknames for my alter egos. The "Wannadoer" stares and watches the world with eager fascination, jonesing for a taste of the high life. The life of dark bars, dark-haired men, and leather-panted experiences worthy of a Playboy spread. The "Wishidinter" tosses and turns in bed, spitting out the taste of sour kisses and reddening at the memory of my ill-prepared ass trying to strut beautifully dyed cowhide around town. The "Wannadoer" leaps into escapade, falls head over heels in love at a simple hello, ignores rational thought in favor of high-relief fantasy, and has a gold neon aive sign flashing on her brow in broad daylight. The "Wishidinter" scolds herself for chilish romance, tries to prevent an immature heart from beating the tom-tom for the wrong guy, picks up the scattered pieces after the inevitable fall. Both creatures seem very normal, very human. What person does not have both sage and the sucker lurking within? However mine exist at the same time, all the time, and most of the time they initiate conversation or argument with each other no matter the circumstance. In simple terms, I talk to myself, a lot, everywhere. I talk myself into things, out of things, around things, and through things." -Girl Anatomy

Final.

Its strange to think about things that happen in your life. The moments that really make you who you are. That define you. It seems to me a lot of the time these moments can be ones you didn't necessarily think would be so important. It's not until later, with hindsight, that you realize how much hinged upon one decision. One thought. One moment.

You make a decision. You leap. Or you hide under the covers. You chose to work as hard as humanly possible. Or you decide to slack off for the time. You take a real true risk. Or you play it safe. You open yourself up completely to any and all possibilities. Or you close yourself off.

I'm not sure what is it that I'm talking about or where exactly I'm going with this but I know that these moments are happening every day, every second really. These tiny, infinitesimal, immeasurable changes. All the time.

It scares me sometimes to think like this. That time is just going by and that every little thing I do will eventually add up to something big and that will be the sum total of my life. What will i have to show for myself? What will there be to speak of when someone says "Caitlin Reed" ?

I'm being overly dramatic and morose but its just the kind of day I'm having.

I don't know what else to do but ponder these kind of thoughts. Over think, as I always do, and while away the hours with contemplations on nothing.

God that was such an overblown sentence. Pardon me, when I get to rambling I end up sounding pompous. Its not intentional. Its just what happens unfortunately. A part of the job- or the me in this case.

I'm so odd. Just ignore all of this. i don't evne know why I'm writing anymore.
{robably because i'm in the box office and feel like theres nothign better for me to do cause there is nothing going on. We have an incredibly tiny audience for the show tonight and no calls and I just feel absolutely useless at the moment. So yay. Go me. and all that jazz.

The end. I'm going to return to wasting time on twitter or facebook or cheesy internet games that I can't seem like such and asshole with, as I do right now with what I'm typing.

Peace.

You can be Henry Miller and I will be Anaïs Nin, but this time will be even better.
We'll stay together in the end...

"I love you for millions and millions of things, clocks and vampires and dirty nails..."

" ...and squiggly paintings and lovely hair and being dizzy and falling dreams."

i want a dylan to my caitlin.

"Tell me everything; when you'll be out again, where you'll be at Christmas and that you think of me and love me... I don't want you for a day (though I'd sell my toes to see you now my dear, only for a minute, to kiss you once and make a funny face at you): a day is the length of a gnat's life: I want you for the lifetime of a big, mad animal, like an elephant.

"You'll never, I'll never let you, grow wise, and I'll never, you shall never let me, grow wise and we'll always be young and unwise together . . . I love you so much, I'll never be able to tell you; I'm frightened to tell you."


"I don't want to write words, words, words to you; I must see you and hear you; it's hell writing to you now . . . you are really my flesh and blood Caitlin whom I love more than anyone has loved anyone else. It's nonsense me living without you, you without me: the world is very unbalanced unless in the very centre of it we stand together all the time in a hairy, golden, more-or-less unintelligible haze of daftness."

simply beautiful...

long days.

“it is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that’s dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It’s so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can’t say the things you want to.” — Henry Rollins

Summer time...

In LBI for the 4th day, working at Surflight. Thus far its going well enough.
But thats also with no shows going on. In less than two weeks when shows are going on I may be humming a different tune.

But please send me texts, mail, email - something!

Caitlin Reed
c/o Surflight Theater
PO Box 1155
Beach Haven, NJ 08008

<333.

Also, come see

Realm of the Unreal: The Vivian Requiem

Tomorrow thru Sunday.
8pm performances.
2pm matinées on Saturday and Sunday.

Caplan Studio Theater
Terra Building
Broad and Walnut
Philadelphia PA

I've spent the past six weeks of my life working on this.
Please come see it.
<33

Forget it.

I just give up.

Intrigued. Very.


Let's see where this can go.

1973.

"They don't even know what it is to be a fan. Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts."

I really do wish I was growing up in 1973. It could be a forced nostalgia for something I barely know due to extensive viewings of Almost Famous (which Alison and I are watching right now) or it could be real longing for something simpler. Not simple. But more simple than things are now I believe. And the amazing music.

Because the music is pretty damn incredible.

I'm jealous of the people who came of age in that time period. The music was so strong and had such staying power. People still listen to it today. Its become classic in its way. What music from my time is going to be listened to in 35 years? Whats going to have staying power? The Jonas Brothers? Britney Spears? Fall Out Boy? I hope not. Because if when i have children and they think of that kind of music being the music of my generation I will... I don't even know what I'll do. The thought just scares me so much. Its horrible.

Thats when I will play custom mixes in the car ranging in bands from the mountain goats to james taylor to neutral milk hotel to bob dylan to rilo kiley to led zeppelin to the decemberists to joni mitchell or simon & garfunkle or the who.

they will be well educated. but only in things that don't suck...


i don't even know what i'm talking about.


But this is totally my favorite movie.

"You're too sweet for rock and roll."

I got my internship in lbi with SUrflight.
I don't have to stay in Philly for the summer!
And I get paid for working at the beach in a town I know insanely well.
My favorite beach town too.

Fantastic.


Nearly seven weeks left until school is done and I move to beach haven.
I can't wait.

i just think that we might get on.

Check Lists.

perfectly true.

Rainforests.

"I've fallen for you like an amazonian tree.
which is to say:
hard, fast, and although unnoticed by most
of the world's population,
not without great consequence."


http://www.kellerskards.com/images/spoonfed-large/tractor.jpg

Rilke.

You see, I want a lot.
Perhaps I want everything:
the darkness that comes from every infinite fall
and the shivering blaze of every step up.
So many live on and want nothing ...
You have not grown old, and it is not too late
to dive into your increasing depths

yes, lets.

lets just stop playing games and make out already.

To someone:

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favorite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

we cannot sleep. we'll just hold our breath tonight.

"and then it’s over. just another mistake done over. there’s no evidence here, no mark or picture frame just a name in a cell phone, stuck in my head, smelling boy in my empty twin bed or maybe i’m just conjuring some romance i read."


if only i'd had these lyrics as a reference point a few months ago.

Say Hi

Let's talk about spaceships or anything except you and me, okay?



catchy and fantastic and addicting.
love it already.
and i love my house and the people who live in it.
and other people too, <3.

Just like you said it should be we'll both forget the breeze

I have not written recently but...

Just so you know.
I could fall in love with you.
I'm not. But if I really let myself...
Who knows where I could be. What we could be.

I know this isn't expected. You have no idea.
But its true. And I don't expect anything in return.
I'm not even giving you anything more than a possibility.
But still... That's it.

I could, if I wasn't so scared.
And you weren't so clueless.
And things weren't in the way.
And life wasn't as hard as it is.
And I wasn't so afraid to be real...

Who knows what could happen.

I am looking for a dare to be great situation.

It is currently 2009.
Crazy.
Time really does fly. And quickly.

It just keeps going on and on. Moving forward with barely a moment to spare and to really think and understand what is going on.
I'm 22 years old and my life is passing by at an insane rate.
It's scary.

But so it goes.



Its a new dawn. Its a new day.
Its a new life for me.

And I'm feeling good.



But really.
I am.
And hopeful.
Who knows how this could turn out.
Perhaps go beyond stupid crush for once.

As Kate and I have agreed. It's 2009, a year to look back, maybe even revisit the past. Or change it with your future.
It might not make much sense but we understand it.

2010

It has been officially decided (by me) that in the year 2010 I am traveling to Europe.
I am saving my money starting now and I intend on backpacking.
I might not actually backpack, I'm thinking about going through EF College Break.(It seems to be a cheaper, more dependable way to go).

But either way, I am going.


Planning so far in advance is not like me, but I have to do this, or else I'll never have the money for it and I will never go.
This is one of those things thats on my list of things I need to do in my life.

So, I'm going to do it.

And now I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of Late Summer/ Early Fall 2010.
(Oh and Fall 2009 when I graduate college. By the way, I ended up getting a 3.7 this semester. Pretty awesome considering how rough a time I had)

I am writing a book.
I know I've said that before but this time I mean it.
This is a different situation than before. I figured out what I want to write and how I want to write it. Today during Talk Radio it came to me. And I like it. It's really something that's been in the making for years. It's me and its truth and I hope it works out. And if no body ever reads it, so be it. But I already like what I have done.



And I never like what I write.





Also writing my final paper for Chartres Cathedral.
I cannot wait to be finished soon!

This is my life...

Sometimes you make a choice to take a leap.
You dive. You run and jump in.
Sometimes its the right thing, sometimes its not.

I'm still not sure what this was.
But it was fun all the same.
And I think it was right.

I don't know...



"Aren't you funny, pathetically naive and desperate to believe
you could always find some good. well, you misunderstood or you've been dreaming."



"Isn't it funny how he convinced me I could be pretty... funny."


oh pasek and paul.

Joyeux anniversaire à moi!

So I am 22 now. Olddddd.

Thanksgiving was lovely and peaceful.
Which was all I asked for.

So it's my birthday and the astorlogy.com thingie sent me a free tarot reading.
It is fascinating. Apparently I am...

*You're even tempered, moderate, and able to see both sides of a situation. You recognize when there is nothing more to be done and have learned that haste makes waste, for everything unfolds in its own time. You may be the peacemaker in the group, or go with the flow, as you have mastered the art of compromise and keeping your temper. You tend to avoid extremes and don't over-react or get emotional when others try to get a rise out of you, and your patience, creativity, tolerance, and understanding is an inspiration to others. Difficulties with any of the above can be overcome or managed with therapy, medication, or support.

*This year could be a good one for you, for you could become confident in your ability to make a difference. You may become more comfortable with yourself, accept that it takes all kinds, or be a natural leader who can see the big picture, or the challenges of a global economy. You could have the opportunity to travel, and might prove to be an open-minded concerned citizen of the Earth, its environment, and resources, but may have a tendency to think that the world revolves around you. You are responsible for your actions or choices, and over the course of the year, you might make it your business to know what's going on in this ever-shrinking planet. Having "been there, done that," you can be optimistic for the future, or will find your place. The world is your oyster, and you are hungry for the pearl. You'll have no regrets this year; you will have done all you can, and can be ready to move onto the next level.



Lets hope.

remember when we made a habit of reenacting carmen in your musty basement...

i can't sleep. which is a shame.
thanksgiving is tomorrow. and i am excited.
for family.
and for leftovers after the fact.
but friday, my 22nd birthday, is thte first day of tech for talkradio.
not so exciting. more scary, actually.
but hey, thats the way the cookie crumbles
or something like that.
i'm not too sure why i'm writing on here other than hoping that it will bore me enough to tire me out so i'll pass out. because i am wide awake at 7:15 with only about 20 minutes of sleep under my belt. something is wrong with this picture.

something is very, very, very wrong.

oh random william finn references thaat no one in the world will understand...

oops.

I have been so busy and caught up with everything that I forget to update this.
My bad.

What to say?

Hot L Baltimore went very well. All in all it was a good experience.

The day after Hot L closed I took a one day trip to North Jersey that took more travel time than visit time to see Pride and Prejudice. I was very proud of Nicole and Bethy-poo and Ross. They all were wonderful.

Since then I have just been trying to stay afloat. Getting my work done, going to classes, keeping myself together. This semester is beating me down particularly hard. I may have taken on more than I can handle. Not really, but at some moments it feels that way. I just have a lot of work and the pressure is getting to me a little bit. But its not horrible. Not really. I'm just...

I'm feeling stuck. Every day it seems like I am being put into situations where I am forced into a comparison with my sister. I hate being compared to her. Jessica is good at everything. I am not. It really makes living up to her difficult. Plus there's the fact that I'm just crazy.... that doesn't help much.
Whatever.

By the way, the Phillies won the World Series. I went to the parade, I rioted on Broad Street. It was a great time.

I feel... numb. It's weird.
Last weekend I was told by someone who had met me earlier that night "You are so closed off". And he's right. I am. And I don't know how to change that. Or how to fix that. It's just something that is. That has always been. I close off and shut down to protect myself because I've been hurt too much and too many times. And..

I don't know. I'm weird.

"Cut me deeper cause if I see that I'm bleeding then I'll know that I'm alive."

Except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars I'm fine.

i disappeared again.
Sorry, kids.
It's this school schedule and all the issues with not having internet at the new house.
And just everything.

Right now I am busy beyond belief. I have a show opening tomorrow night. Tonight's dress rehearsal has about 130 people coming to watch it and I have too much work to do and no time to do it.
And I'm getting sick.
I'm pretty sure I'm really sick.
I can feel it.
But I don't have the time for it.

This is killing me.



Except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars I'm fine.

i can feel the glaciers melting

the warm soft wind
covered up everything
on the day your love came screaming through me



I've just finished rehearsal, notes, paperwork and all.
I really should not be sitting here in Terra as I am and writing on this. I should be making my way back to my apartment so I can clean up. There is going to be someone looking at the place at 8pm tonight. And it looks like a wreck.
The landlord tried to tell me that it doesn't matter how it looks. But it really does. Also I don't want people, complete strangers at that, to come walking through my apartment and think "My God, these people live in complete squaller".
But despite that, I cant bring myself to get up and go at this moment,. I suppose I still have 2 and a half hours to get home and clean which is plenty of time. Its not like its a very big apartment.

I don't know where my time has gone. Where my life has gone.
This summer has quite literally flown by. I don't know where it has scampered off to. I wish it had stuck around for me to enjoy it. So I could savor something of my last 'free' summer. Next will be spent working as a slave for $125 a week + room and board at the beach. Pretty sweet, but not the supposed freedom I had this summer. Maybe next summer I won't apply for the Surflight internship and instead I'll take a cross-country road trip.

Thats not actually going to happen...but whatever.


Oh no! People need this room.

Maybe tomorrow morning when i'm back here- No more internet at the house.

live like music.

I wanna live like music. I wanna live like music.
Songs about justice. Songs about love.
Songs about freedom and never giving up.
I wanna live like music...



They might be stupid but damn do those crappy Canadian teen dramas have some good musics.

I'm not too sure what it is that i"m doing here.
This is my last 'real' week at Doc Watson's. Next week I start working Monday's only because of rehearsal schedules. It sucks and I will never have money again. And all the money I did manage to make this summer is already spent on my rent for the new house. So, pretty much I have $30 to my name right now. Awesome.

I don't know where my summer has gone. Erin called me Saturday and told me that she was getting ready to start packing for school again. Really? That was my main reaction. Then it hit me, "Oh, my God. It's August. I have spent my entire summer working, not playing. Not necessarily having a good time. Making very few bad decisions, though the one I did make will live on forever in a new found euphemism used at Doc Watson's. I have thrown away my last summer of 'freedom' without even realizing it since it obviously took place a year ago. I can't even remember anything from last summer that jumps out at me as being special or fantastic or so amazing that it made the summer worth it (with the exception of one very out of character act that I don't really talk about anymore)."

I had planned on this summer being my crazy, reckless, last hurrah summer. It was going to be filled with bad decisions and regrets- the kind that make a real person, and give a person experiences, the kind that they can write about if they plan on being a writer.Not that I plan on doing that or anything... But really, I know that next summer I'll have an internship -I need to have one to graduate on time. And I think I'll get the Surflight one since they already offered it to me this summer. And as awesome as it will be to live in LBI all summer I won't have the free time to go out carousing and partying because the theater will be too busy running me ragged, or so I've been told...

I just... I want my freedom to be young. And not have to worry about paying my rent, and going to work, and buying groceries, and having the apartment clean for new renters to look at it, and moving into a new house, and having such lofty responsibilities. It may not seem like I have a lot to do, but really I do. Or at least in my head all of my responsibilities are huge. Maybe I'm just crazy...
I don't know.

But I just want to be a kid again.

paciencia y fe.

Its so odd to think of culture.
I've been doing it a lot lately.

In my life I've met so many people from different countries and different backgrounds. They all have their own cultures and traditions. They have a people and a home.

But I feel like I don't have that.

Yes, I am Irish and Italian. But I really have no true understanding of what it means to be either of those ethnicities. They are just a part of my families history but they really play no part in my life as it is. And I realize that one's history is what shapes their future, but since those are not real parts of what shaped me at all I don't feel that it works out.

It's like- I may be Irish and Italian in blood but as a person I'm an American. And what does that even mean?
Do I even have a culture? Can I claim anything more than McDonald's and Britney Spears? When the time comes for me to have children and instruct them about our families roots and what shaped us what will I have to teach them? Nothing... I can talk about mass consumerism and pointless wars and too much reality television. And thats it. Thats what my culture is. And I hate it.

Also in terms of home. Yes, this country is obviously my home as I've only been outside of it three times in my entire life. Once was to Canada, once to London and once to the Dominican Republic. But there are times... I just don't feel at home here. And maybe its just my age, or maybe its the places I do live but nothing seems to fit.
I love living here in Philadelphia right now. It is so much better than Madison was for me. And I love Burlington with all of my heart. It is the only other place I can remember living since we moved there when I was only 1. But there are moments when I just don't feel like I fit in there. I've found that there are places one can go where it just feels right. And yes, my school right now is one of them but that will only last for another year. And then I'm finished. By this time next year I will have one semester left and that's all. And then what will I do? WIll I try to make my home here in Philadelphia? Will I find somewhere else to go?

My big plan had been for New York and grad school and working and loving my life. But now I'm not sure I could do that. i want to, so badly, still. But I know for a fact that I could never afford it. I can barely afford Philadelphia and things are much cheaper here. I don't know hat I"m going to do with myself. I know that I do like this town but it still doesn't feel like my home yet, maybe in the next year and a half that will change but maybe not. And then what will i be doing? Hanging around finding whatever work I can while stuck in a place that I don't want to be just trying to force a life down my own throat so i can survive?
I don't want that. no one wants that. At least I don;'t think they do,
It just seems like such a waste of time and money to be unhappy.

I'm not to sure where all this came form. one moment I was content listening to my new recording of In the Heights and then all this came pouring out. My mind is moving so fast that my fingers can barely keep up with whats I'm thinking. I haven't written like this in a long time, I haven't written at all in a while and I'm sorry, But see what happens. When I don't write things like this come pouring out of me. I need to save it up so this happens.

...I reall think I'm just crazy.



Also in other news I work at least four if not more days a week. I make okay money. I can pay my rent next month which is what really counts. And I'm god at my job. I am a good waitress. Which is funny since I was so scared that I would be bad at it for such a long time. If I had known I wouldn't suck at it I would've started a long time ago.

Probably not really but still...

ANd further news- I'm scared for what next month could bring.
Don't get me wrong I am excited too but scared all the same.
On so many fronts.



And lastly- never get as drunk as I did on Friday night.
It was a bad choice and a bad time Saturday.

going to georgia.

The most remarkable thing about coming home to you is the feeling of being in motion again: its the most extraordinary thing in the world.


i swear i will write real entry soon.

i cant sleep again.

this job has ruined what little normalcy i had in my sleep schedule once.



went on a long walk tonight, down to the river and back again. plus a bit further.
i'm not sure why when all i really wanted to do was sit at last drop and write.
but something felt awkward about doing that at that second.


i don't know...
but it was certainly an entertaining walk.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

i'd like to hire a plane and see you in the morning.

Random.

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days


too much to handle lately.
I'm not sure what to say.
I'm not sure what I can say.
But yeah..

I've been working. Making money.
Its a good thing.
I want to make plans for later.
And I want them to work out.
And I ... I don't know.



Mass Pike is playing in the background as I try to come up with the words that could explain this feeling but nothing comes to mind. I have one hour until I need to leave for work. The convenience of working less than two blocks from ones own apartment. I try to come up with words. I try to sound clever and simple even though I am complicated and dumb. It doesn't work out. The words do not fall smoothly from my lips. They come in stalls and starts. They tumble to the floor and break into a thousand pieces so no one can understand. I try to pick them up and piece them together but I can no longer remember their meaning or order. They become useless. More than they were originally. Waste of Paint plays and it makes too much sense. "You see no beauty could have come from me. I'm a waste of breath, of space, of time." Some things make too much sense. Like art could save a wretch like me... I'm not sure where this summer is going. If it is in fact going anywhere. If this is just a space filler. If this is a summer that I will eventually lose to memory due to its lack of events. Will it just fall away to be buried underneath previous and future seasons.
"I try to just keep moving on, with my broken heart and my absent God
And I have no faith but it's all I want - to be loved."
Wishful Eyes sings itself to me form its bootlegged performance. It is beautiful. "Little smiles, every moment brings another wasted mile between everything and everything I need." I 'm not sure where this is headed. I feel like I just keep going and going but with no real destination in mind. I will just keep going until I find somewhere to stop. Maybe with someone. Maybe on my own. But where can I stop? Where will I find that comfort, the ability that will allow me to be able to stop running and spinning and trying and just be. Just be me, who ever I am at that point in time.
Surf Wax America. I miss fun. I miss the happiness of what listening to Weezer was when I was younger. I miss the days on the beach. Wen summer was completely carefree. When weeks in LBI didn't need to be scheduled around everyone's work. When a family could just take a vacation. And there weren't these problems that exist now. And when friends could skip a class trip for a day on the sand. When money was not such an issue. "All along the undertow is strengthening its hold. I never thought it'd come to this. Now I can never go home."
Further North. Just snow and a fire. The winter would be so nice if I had someone to hold me. To keep me warm. To stay with me. Its a long way off but its always a thought. Always present. Always a possibility. "And its beautiful and sad but its all that I had, so tonight lets stay inside."

Lyrical perfection is hard to come by. But sometimes there are lines that can act like a cord straight to your heart and pull it just right, or wrong depending on the moment. But it can be perfect, even in its pain. Perfectly beautiful even if it hurts.



I suppose I should go get ready for work at this point. At least start to make myself presentable.

The final song playing is Hands Down. I miss being a freshman in high school for the music alone. And for the friends I lost. But I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the friends I gained that year. I still have them and thats a wonderful thing. But this music... It was my life. It kept me sane. Sad to say but Dashboard Confessional, Brand New, Something Corporate, and The Starting Line were, some days, what kept me together. I don't know what that says about me.

But I do know that I want an event like that of the Hands Down lyrics. That could be fantastic.



Wow this went all over the place. My apologies.


And then it feels like you get punched in the heart.

who got a job?

I got a job!!!!!!!!


Doc watsons hired me and i start on wednesday at 5!!!!

"so stay here for a while
because its nice
because its holy
laugh and drink and smile
give advice
take it slowly
life goes by so fast
but its still
when your with me here
so let this moment last
say you will always be here
for one more"

So...

What is it that I'm thinking. I'm just not sure.


Ugh.


Two interviews in the coming days.
Doc Watson's Pub on Monday
Messages on Tuesday.
And who knows what else if I get calls.


Also worked Peddie tonight. Catering like a fiend.
WOrking once more tomorrow- twelve hours or so. Woot.

Yay money.

And I'm pretty sure I'm going to the Phillies game on Tuesday!

my grandmother is currently snoring across the room from me.
adorable.

scratch that 3.75...

and make it a 3.9!

apparently there was a computer glitch and mari messed up.
she sent me an email last night to say "my bad!" so now i have an A, rather than a B-!

Awesomeness!

3.75.


almost what i wanted and exactly what i got.

good enough for a very tough semester.

i am finished my second first year of college.
thank goodness.
its been a long two weeks but i'm done.
i mangaged to write 34 pages in 6 days. (impressive i think)
i did well in all my classes (in theory)
i didn't die under the pressure.
i didn't kill anyone else because of stress.

its all good.


thank god.

tomorrow we go look at a house.
an honest to goodness house in south philly
i'm excited.

so fuck your plan
i am not amused
you go scrimping about
but i'll stay here
i'll be the one to choose
we are not alright
we are not okay
i must not have been clear about it
i guess i have to say
you are not my life
you ar enot my soul
you are someone thats a part of me
your are not in control
and its not your fault
it was my mistake
i couldnt find the words to say
i couldnt stay

a slight break from the work.

i'm just putting this out there.
i hate college and finals and everything at this very moment.
and mari fielder even though i love her.
i just feel like i'm going to drown underneath all of my work right now.
its not cool.

and then i decided to write a book.

and this is the opening chapter.

She would sit in the corners of small cafes and watch the world go by. Claire never knew exactly what it was she was looking for but she knew that she never found it. She would sit, sipping her coffee, waiting. She would watch the couples strolling by, arms linked together happily. She would sneer. “Love,” she thought. “What a bunch of bullshit.”

Claire was a cynic. She did not believe in stupid matters like love and romance. She knew that there was no such thing in the world. The idea of being forever tied to another person was one to be completely abhorred in her mind. Marriage? No, thank you. Claire would much prefer to wade through the murky waters of life on her own. She did not need another person lagging along to point out what she was doing wrong., as she was sure any partner, if they could be called that, would do. Rather, Claire preferred her solitude. She liked to sit on her own, observing the world. Seeing what everyone was doing wrong, in her opinion, as that was the only one that could matter.

As she spent her days, working in an office, typing press releases, Claire grew restless. “There must be something to do,” she thought. But alas, there was not. Claire, in her unending cynicism, had alienated any friends she might have once had. They did not take kindly to being told that their way of life was wrong, as Claire insisted she do. Thus, there was no one to help Claire when she reached moments such as this one. And so, on she went, going about her daily routine, lacking gusto. She would work all day, spending her evenings in the café, acting the voyeur to others’ lives.

To use the term voyeur may not be appropriate. In many cases today this has a certain sexuality attached to it. In the case of Claire there was nothing of the sort. She just watched. And judged. She was a very judgmental person. Anyone who did not seem to agree with the strict guidelines she set forth to live by, such as the no relationships rule, was to be looked down upon. And Claire gladly did that. There were small moments when she would begin to doubt herself and the choices she made, but they were quickly brushed away. She might regret for a moment her choices but not for long. She knew that what she was doing must be correct, right?

One evening, not long after Claire began to think on her choices as regrets she noticed something new. As she sat in her regular seat in the café, the front corner between the counter and the window to avoid contact with others, Claire saw something. It was only out of the corner of her eye, but she thought she saw a flash of light. This would not have been so distracting on any other day, but today had been particularly cloudy. It was the kind of day Claire enjoyed, as it often matched her outlook. But there, just a few feet away there was a flash of light. Not quite like a beam of lightening but something. It was something white and radiant and beautiful, like a solitary Northern Light, in the middle of the cold Philadelphia streets.

As soon as she saw it Claire began to doubt herself. She knew that there was no way something like an Aurora Borealis could occur as a singular event, especially not in the middle of a Philadelphia street. She rationalized with herself. “There must have been a car driving by, a light reflected off of it and caused that flash. It was simply a reflection.” But it was not simple at all. Far from it. Little did Claire know that flash of light was one that would forever change her existence.

a long list of wants (201 posts as of now)

a long list of wants.

This is what I wrote during MT History on Thursday.
I probably should pay attention in class, but this happens instead.


I want to take walks down these Philadelphia streets in the sun and in the rain. I want to run around Washington Square and be happy. I want to have a boy who will call me at 2 am to say goodnight or at 4am to sing drunken voice mails for me. I want him to love my voice. I want someone who will be willing to hold my hand. I want him to not be ashamed of having fun, of acting foolish. I want him to want to go out some nights. I want him to want to stay in others. I want him to go flower picking in the sidewalk cracks with me. I want to make daisy chains. I want to feel free and unencumbered. I want to sit on the marble steps and sip cool lemonade. I want to write songs and stories and poems. I want to make a prank phone call. I want to walk along the river. I want to dance an Irish jig. I want to be invincible. I want to feel a real connection. I want to listen to an opera. I want to really speak French. I want to walk barefoot down a cobblestone street. I want to visit Italy. I want to understand Braille. I want to take over the world. I want to be the only one. I want to read a new book everyday. I want to act on a stage. I want to win a Pulitzer Prize. I want to understand. I want love. I want hand holding. I want hugs in the morning and kisses at night. I want to feel full. I want to be held. I want a life. I want a ring from a machine. I want a bouncy ball. I want a pony! I want to lose it. I want to lose control. I want to be unique. I want to be commanding, but not domineering. I want success. I want a boy. I want a boy who is funny. I want a boy who is cute- to me at least. I want a boy who can laugh and sing and play guitar and hold hands and make flower crowns and dance and play and love and be serious and talk and write and understand and comprehend and think and just be with me. And be happy.

I really just want to be happy.

Hail, mortal!

Jessica's photogrpahy final is taking pictures of everyone in her Midsummer make-up designs. I'm peaseblossom.

where does it hurt?

theres a million streets to walk down in this city of broken hearts
but there will always be a place for you inside my arms...



I walked around the city tonight.
I wandered and wandered, where ever I felt the need to go.
I ended up walking down and all around old city.
I walked past the liberty bell, had a little moment with myself there.
Just thinking.

But as I walked I got to feel very... well, sad.
Its amazing how many people can surround you and you still feel incredibly alone.
I was on my own, so it makes sense that I would feel by myself.
But it was more than that.
It was like I was alone in the world.
Completely.
Like there was no one who could understand me, or be with me, or talk to me, or anything.

It was as though I was just me.
And it wasn't okay.
I know I should be okay with the idea that I can be on my own.
And that I am independent.
And that I don't need to rely on other person.
But the truth is I'm not. And I do.
I do need others.

I need someone who can understand me.
And be with me
And like me.
And maybe even love me.

This is sad, but really I just want to find someone who I can go on those walks with.
Who will hold my hand and tell me its okay.
Who will call me just to talk.
Who will think of me.
Who will look forward to seeing me
Who will hug me and make my problems go away.
Who will not fix my problems, but help me through them.

I'm asking for too much, I know.
But it's what I want.
Not necessarily need, but definitely want.
And hope to find.

The problem is I don't know how to go about finding this person.
Whoever he is.
This magical guy who will fix things.
Who will do all that I just wrote.
I don't even know how to find one who will just kiss me for the night.

I just...
I suck at this game.
And I want to be better.
And I want to find a boy.
And I want to find one now.

The end.

Is she real or is she fake?
Is she as she appears or is it all smoke and mirrors?

What do the Hindenberg, the USS Akron and Governor McGreevey have in common?

Answer: They all went down in New Jersey.




fantastic.

"You've always been barely alive."

I have a lump in my throat. It won't go away.
It's like this irking fear is just sitting there.
I don't know what it is of or from.
But it's there. Ever present.

It's amazing to get perspective on your life.
Where you are and where you've been and where you're going.

Today while listening to Assassins as research for MT History I started to read my old journals.
It's amazing. When I think about it I feel like the same person, but then I read my words and see what I was talking about and thinking about and going through.
I really have grown up. Especially over the past five years.
It makes sense, going from 15 and 16 to 21 is a big change.
But still...
In my mind I'm still a child in some ways.
Some very big ways.
But in actuality, I'm a grown up.
I'm what I wanted to be in some ways
And in others I'm a huge disappointment to myself.
This is far to complicated to really explain but..,
suffice to say I have grown up a lot as of late.
And I don't realize it until too late.
Or not too late - but... later than expected?

Am I behind the curve?
Am I so far off course?
Am I really who I wanted to be?
Am I a disappointment?
Am I a dream come true?
What am I?
Honestly.
Tell me.

Who are you? Who, who, who, who.

Its funny to see how different people perceive you.
The way I see myself and the way others do is completely different.
I know this is kind of dumb but I was honestly on face book.
There is an application called "Compare People" where literally that is all you do.
There are things like who smells better, who would you rather be trapped on a desert island with, who would you rather kiss, who is smarter, etc.
The topics cover a fairly wide range.
But I was just looking at the different ways I have been voted.
People think of me as the smart girl. Some have voted me smartest. What?
Honestly?
I have never felt like the smart girl.
I know I'm intelligent and I know a lot of random facts and can quote them back to people but thats not 'smarts', thats being a parrot. And I'm a good little parrot.
But people have voted me as better at science.
Mind you, I don't know who they were voting between, maybe I am better at science that someone else. But I doubt it. I am the girl who struggled through Chemistry of Food a little over a year ago. Only a matter of two semesters ago was I attempting to soldier my way through Weather and Climate. And don't even get me started on high school science, me and them never got along very well.

I guess I just see myself as average. I know some things. I don't know others.
I don't think I'm extraordinary. I don't think i suck at life though.
I'm just me. Just a regular girl. Nothing special.

I just feel like if people see me one way, but I see myself another- which one is the truth?
Am I who they believe me to be, or who I feel I am as an individual?
Do they decide for me or do I finally step up to the plate and decide for myself?
Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I just have this tendency of over-thinking, which if you know me at all you will be very familiar with. And maybe thats all that I am doing right now. But... I just don't know. I feel like a big part of who I am is based on how others feel towards me. Their reactions to me shape my further actions. If they're negative I close off, positive and I open up.
It's all so... Just so. I'm not sure where I was originally intending to go with this but I think I'm a little satisfied with where it ended up.
And so I leave you with a question:
Are we who we decide to be, or who others make us out to be?



Additionally, I'd just like to put it out there that I semi-conquered a fear today. I stood at the top of a straight extension ladder in the Arts Bank and managed to hang two 2ks, which are insanely heavy lights. I did not break anything or anyone and I didn't cry. I might have come close when my phone started to go off while I was crazy high up in the air, but I held back. And I made it through. And I'm a little bit proud of myself.
Go me.

This is wonderful...

"Tom, you are aware that I like you. You already know that. But lately I get the feeling… I mean, it is now pretty obvious that these are some problems here. Issues, or whatever. And we need to get over them or… well, you know. Things that I don’t wanna think about. So please, you need to stay in this . Focuses on it, so don’t drift off or anything. I love you so much. I really do, Tom. I feel a connection with you that I haven’t allowed myself to dream of, let alone be a part of, in so long. Maybe ever. But I can’t be with you if you’re feeling something other than that same thing I am… completely and utterly open to that other person. I don’t know what to say here, Tom… I’m worried sick. Look at me… when did you ever see me not eat a hot dog that was placed in front of me, huh? (tries to chuckle) I know you hate those jokes, sorry, but I’m… Tom, tell me about it. I know you’re thinking something, so we might as well just,,, one more thing. Just this. And I’ve never said this to anyone, not any other person in the world. Ever. My parents or a… no one. I would change for you. I would. I don’t mean Slim-Fast or that one diet that the guy on TV did… with the sandwiches from Subway. That guy… I’ll do something radical to myself if you want me to. Like be stapled or have some surgery or whatever it takes- one of those rings- because I do not want this to end. I’m willing to do that, because of what you men to me. The kind of ecstasy that you’ve brought me. So… I just wanted you to know that… This would be an excellent time to say something sweet to me. If you at all care about my feelings."



acting class.
monologues.
that is mine.
neil labute.
fatpig.
wonderful.
the end.

I really would...

I'd rather be nine people's favorite thing
than a hundred people's ninth favorite thing.


still waiting on that possible news from last week.

to say the least, the professional world sucks so far as being on time with things.
or atleast thats what it seems like.

So I have not updated since 6221 was just ending. My last post was actually when I got home from the cast party. My bad. I've been very busy. In the time since then I have managed to asst. stage manage a show which had its final dress last night and went wonderfully. I've also had spring break, chopped off a large portion of my hair, visited Fairleigh Ridiculous, and many other tales of woe and joy. It's been a good month.
I'm not too sure what to say, but in the next few days I may have a lot of news so I'm going to hold off until I get word.Suffice to say, I am trying my damnedest to not be in Philadelphia or Burlington for the summer.
<3.

dunk drunk drunk drunk drunky mcdrunkerson.



for reals.

I found this.

I didn't write it. But that doesn't stop it from being true.
Very, very true.

"I just want to go to every rest stop in America. I want to hang my clothes on a clothesline and wear yellow rubber gloves when I do the dishes. I want to be a librarian; I want to marry a janitor. I want to go to a prom. I want to eat cheese doodles in the car and wear a black hoodie sweatshirt. I want my car to break down at night. You and I will run into a haunted house and kiss for hours. I want to drink whiskey and watch a movie somewhere far away. I want to see the weather change when I drive. I always want to hear your voice in my house, I love that sound. I wish we were trapped in an attic. I wish we were driving to Nebraska, we could make out in cornfields. I'll make you oatmeal and then we'll drive and drive. I want to go fishing and not talk for hours. "

kicking it around.

Well today's date is February 18.
If I want to try and get something into Equinox I need to have it finished and submitted by March 6th. I didn't want to submit anything but its been pointed out to me that the school will be more receptive and willing to workshop or do a reading of or do something with my senior project when the time comes. And also a few people have told me I should do something for it, just for the sake of writing and submitting and all that fun. So yeah, I decided I would.
And at the moment this is the idea I am kicking around. And by kicking around I mean I've started to write but I'm not sure if I like it.

At a college radio station.
-will cover one night of the show, discussing ‘college’ issues like majors and whats the point of them – how to choose them? How are we supposed to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives at the age of 17, because that’s how old we are when we apply to school. As the different outsiders come by (or call in!) they’ll add their two cents and by the end the host ‘Sam’ will realize that its okay to not know what you’re doing with your life, so long as you don’t let that limit yourself. There may be an in studio guest and also different call-ins such as stoners who make no sense and different drunks, but also those who add to the conversation and make valid points about college life and knowing who you are and what you want to do- without being under the influence of… something.


we'll see what happens. if i can finish it. if i can figure out what i want to do. if i can get anywhere with writing at all.


i have way to many projects going on at the same time.
and oh shit- i have a report due on the musical 'working' on the 6th too.
damn.

'What time of day are you?'

You are 2:11 a.m.

Your time of day has a split personality -- sometimes it's sweat-streaked and loud, and you're on the dance floor, getting your third wind, and shouting lyrics like you'll never run out of energy. You are the time of night that carves itself into your memory forever, because you'll never forget how much you love these people and this moment and this song. It's not always about unforgettable parties, though. Sometimes your late night (err… early morning) burst of energy happens when you're home alone. Those are the times when you say, "I flat out refuse to go to sleep until I finish reading this book, or typing this page, or reorganizing my entire closet." In either case, you are the time of night when it feels sort of forbidden to be awake, but you love accomplishing something special long after everyone else went to bed. And hey -- you can always catch up on sleep tomorrow, right?



sounds about right.




tech starts tonight.
so not cool.
i am already feeling like i'm falling behind but after this week i'm going to be screwed. what a way to truly start the semester...

i am not all about this.
i seriously want to just finish this semester right now.
i want to move to new york immediately and start working.
or have an internship. or just do something.
i am over school work right now.
and its not because i dont like it, i love it.
but i'm just so tired.
i just want a little break or something.
but i'm not going to get one until march 8th.
i am counting the days for the next month with an eagerness unknown.


like seriously.

if they didn't hurt they wouldn't call them crushes.

that john hughes knows something...


also i am already dead from this semester and its only the second monday/ 3rd week of sort. its gonna be a long semester. a really very long semester.