Do you remember when things were so much easier? Do you remember when life wasn't so complicated? Do you remember when everything didn't need to be analyzed within an inch of its life?

Me neither.

I cried today. Quietly. No one noticed, or at least they didn't say anything to me. Maybe I'm just that easily ignored. At the end of our final dress rehearsal the cast sat and got notes as usual and then Rob was talking. He started to talk about wanting us to realize that this is the only time we will be able to do this show. in this theater. with this cast and group of people. at this point of time in our lives.
That really just hit me. Hard. I realized that this is it. After Sunday who knows what I'll be doing in theater. I'll audition for something this summer but if it doesn't work out I will not stay in the production because I cannot do that to myself. And then I'll be off to UArts. Where I will be in a completely different part of the theater. I won't be on stage. I won't be performing. I won't be in the situations where what I, the character, is feeling is so intense and huge that it needs to be sung about. It needs music, not just words. I won't have any of that. I will still sing. I don't think I will ever stop singing but it won't be the same.
And I won't have these people. Who I love.
I don't want to lose some of them. I don't want to be the complete ruination of what was left of PickleFour. I don't want to put an end to any possible gathering of the people from SuiteGSpot who still speak. I can't lose these people. I need them. And I'm scared of what life will be like without them- not in a scholastic setting, emotionally speaking. I know I can succeed academically because I did all through high school, but still... It's frightening. I am worried. As much as I might claim to hate FDU, its just the school. Not the people. Not the teachers. I wish I could go to UArts, bring a bunch of these people with me, still have Rob and Allen as teachers and still go to Wroxton. I want the best of both worlds. And I know thats not an option. And I made my decision. And it is the one that will be better for my career in the end. But I still am sad.
I almost feel like in doing this I'm giving up.
I'm finding a new major, one that doesn't involve acting. I felt insecure about my acting (even though when coupled with singing it is what I want to do more than anything in the world.) And so I gave up. I know its not exactly what happened. But in current retrospect thats what it feels like. And thats not good. I need to be confident that I've made the best decision. And I know that I have on an intellectual level... its just the emotional one that scares me. I have this fear in the pit of my stomach that I'll leave here and then just get completely lost at Uarts. I'll end up dissapointing everyone. I won't succeed. And I cannot deal with failure. I get upset with getting Cs. I cannot do badly. And I'm so afraid that I am not a good enough writer, or creative enough, or driven enough, or talented enough. I'll end up not living up to the supposed potential...
I can't do this..
But I need to. I hate debating with myself like this. Especially when its almost 5 in the morning and I should've been asleep at least 3 hours ago, if not 5.
I just want some sort of assurance that I am doing the right thing. That everything will work out. That I can have my cake and eat it too. That I won't lose my friends. I really can't deal with that. I've lost so many people to broken friendships in my life that I cannot lose these people. Atleast not some of them. I need to keep them cause they are my sanity. And yes I might find others to help me stay sane or something, but every person is different and will play a different role in my life... and I don't want to have to recast the people I currently have in some roles...

I make no sense sometimes. But thats what happens when I get scared and tired and upset and everything else. I just wish I could say this to someone. I don't want to thought because I'm scared (more fear!) that they will tell me that I'm make a bad decision. Or that they can't believe I would do that. Or even worse... they won't care. I just want someone to tell me everything will be fine. I am doing the right thing and I am making the correct decision and everything will work out and I'll finally be happy and I'll find my place and I'll succeed and I won't have these questions and I just will be able to be me and still have my friends and my schooling and everything. I want this to work out. Please god let it work out. Give me some sort of sign or message or something. I need it. Please.
I want to hang out with someone cause I feel like what we do as of late is not hanging out like we did once. Now its just work. Lets just have some fun.

I want to document everything happening from now on here I think. I can't forget these people or this school or the times I've had here. I need to keep the best track that I can...

Also I started watching season 2 of Queer As Folk. I know a lot of people do not like Michael as a character. They think he's stupid and clingy and annoying and all sorts of other unflattering descriptions.... but I relate to him. I don't know what that says about me. But in the first three episodes of the sceond season - I know what it is that he means. When he doesn't talk about him and David breaking up.. he was waiting for the right time. I know exactly what he means. Its like I was back when I got my badletter. I wouldn't talk about it. Initially I told about 3 people. It got around eventually but I couldn't tell people. The timing seemed off, and I didn't or couldn't admit defeat (or so it felt)...
And now its 5:17. I should probably go to bed at this point....

Oh yeah-
Come to the CAROUSEL!
Wednesday, March 28 - Saturday, March 31: 8 pm.
Sunday, April 1: 2:30 pm.
Dreyfuss Theater.
FDU Madison.

I promise it won't suck.
atleast I don't think it will