it seems longer, it seems like forever

I do realize that this post card is from Michigan. But in my mind I want to think that someone wrote it for me. I want to believe that there is someone in the world who sees me as colorful, complex, and having a beauty thats all my own. I know its wishful thinking but it would be lovely if it were so. At least I think so. Lovely.



Dimple kidnapped me for the past twenty four hours (and then some). I became the non-Filipino member of the Cavan clan. It was a lovely day. Starting with sing-a-long last night, big talky gossip session, The Little Mermaid to sleep, even chruch this morning. And thne off to Atlantic city for shopping and wandering (fun), and then to Vietnamese food in Philly, then Chad's then finally home. A grand old time. I miss hanging out with Dimp and now we all only get a little bit of time with her before shes gotta move back to Boston for some interning fun. Tres sad.


So I know I'm not always okay with it, but I normally can deal with being the single one. The slightly awkward, snarky, chubby, single friend. Its been my life story. But I'm not okay with that. Maybe I have been before, or at least I've lied and said I was okay with it. But I don't know that I can be okay with it anymore. I don't want to just date someone for the sake of dating them, but I want to date. I want a boy. I want a boy to like me. I want a boy to like. I want some sort of mutual attraction. I want someone. I want something more than I have. I am so jealous of those people who are perpetually in relationships. I mean maybe they aren't always that meaningful, hence the continually falling in and out. But still. They have that connection. They get to experience something with someone else. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. Which might not be true cause its not like I don't do anything, but theres just.... There's a lot missing. And I want a connection. I want a feeling. I want something.
I feel devoid.



Also in looking back on high school today with Dimp... it is amazing. I have these moments where it feels like I still am in high school, an awkward freshman carrying around too many books. And then theres times like today. Where its becomes really obvious that it has been two years since I've seen many of those people, or even thought of them. I struggled to remember names. I found it hard to picture certain peoples faces. Its odd. I know its hit me in the past but tonight I really realized that high school is over. College is halfway done (for most, not me but thats another story). Life is rushing forward and I don't know what is going on. Its scary and exhilarating all at once.