It's Been A While

Well, here I am.

In the past months since I wrote last I have graduated college.
I have had not one, but two professional stage management jobs.
I am in rehearsals for my third show of the summer.


I'm not sure where I am heading with my life, what my direction is.

I lived in Massachusetts for the past 6 weeks (mostly).
I was working for Boston Children's Theatre. I stage managed The Wedding Singer for both Studio 3 and Studio 4. By the end of the 6 weeks I worked with around 100 children ranging in ages 9 to 19. Crazy.

I have moved out of 1414. My lease ended on July 31, so I came home from MA for a few days, packed up my life and moved it all into a storage unit I bought for myself.

And now I'm floating. I'm bouncing from place to place, couch to couch, all while working about 6 or 7 hours a day and trying to find a place to live.




And now I feel like I'm breaking something that is pretty precious to me just because I'm feeling tied down.


What am I doing?

all is well

Wake up
Look me in the eyes again
I need to feel your hand upon my face


life keeps moving forward and i just go with it.
i am graduating from college in a matter of days.
since i last updated i have completed an entire run of a show, a professional stage management gig at that. go me.
things are still going well with the boy.
and i'm somewhat happy.

there are still moments, major times when sadness creeps up on me and starts to close in so tight i can barely breathe...
but then they pass. or i fight my way through.
and life is good again.
so all i can say is all is well and let us hope it remains this way.

I laugh because I don't know how else to react.
You do that to me.
It is definitely not a 'laugh at you'. It is a laugh with you, a laugh out of embarrassment because that's my only line of defense against something so sweet...

The most 'romantic' and sweet thing to ever be directed my way was said this afternoon.
I just about melted onto my cheap tile floor. Instead I giggled and hid my face, because I did not know what else to do. What I could do...

"All I know is you are the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night."

And that is when I turned into a puddle.

I am easily annoyed. This has always been an issue. Very small insignificant things get on my nerves. However, I am also very passive aggressive. Rather than confront whatever it is that may be annoying me I will make snide side comments or roll my eyes. I will not make a direct statement addressing the issue.

There are many of us, the non-confrontational kids, out there. You all know at least one of us, though more likely tons of them. This has always been my way. I just cannot directly confront another being about my feelings, whether positive or negative. It's just my issue.

And now, I will be passive aggressive via this blog. I will not direct this to anyone specific but there is intention behind this post. I do not do this all the time, but here goes...


If something is told to you in confidence, please keep it to yourself. If it is not your business to tell others, again, keep it to yourself. I am twenty-three years old. I am living my own life as I see fit. If you do not agree with or approve of any of my decisions and choices, so be it. Thankfully, you are not being forced to deal with their repercussions, that is all on me. I am finally reaching a point in my life where I am comfortable with myself as a person. I do what I can to help others. I complete whatever tasks are set before me. I try to react to situations with a mature and level head. I am attempting to be the grown up I want to be seen as. So please, do not undercut me and my growth by making those around me believe fallacies about my lifestyle. I do not appreciate it.


Here's the truth. I drink. I have sex. I smoke from time to time. I earn A's in school. I kickass at my internship and am over qualified for my ASM job. I am growing into a pretty great person in my opinion. Don't stop me now.

Thanks.

I can keep my cool at poker
But I'm a fool when love's at stake.
Because I can't conceal emotion
What I'm feelings always written on my face.

Oh, Joni Mitchell. You know.


One more week of performances for A Coupla White Chicks Sitting Around Talking, quite possibly the worst play title ever. It hasn't been a horrible experience. It had its moments, but its not so bad.

Hung out with Jones tonight. Saw him for the first time since I left the surf back in August. It was fun. We just hung out, talked, remembered the summer, talked about the people we're seeing. It was nice. Just like old times. But minus Corinne :(.

Tomorrow night Greg is coming over which will be lovely. I hope. I think.

He makes me happy. And I haven't been happy in a while. I know I shouldn't depend on someone else to make me happy, and I'm not. I'm happy on my own, but he makes me... happier. And thats wonderful.



I love Across the Universe, by the way. I have it playing to go to sleep to.

Instead of panicking about your freedom being potentially lost, think about how love ultimately connects all of us in a bewildered mess...

oar

"You
You were just no good for me.
But you're sweet like a cupcake
And I wanna eat you up.
You."

I'm ready for this.
I am ready for my life to come at me, to grow, to change.
I am ready.


If you know me at all, you are likely familiar with the fact that I have this tendency of overthinking. Everything. It's just a part of who I am.
But right now I am ready to stop over thinking and just be. To accept life as it is and to be alive and happy and experience life as it comes at me.
I don't know if I am going to stick with this new found willingness to accept my life. But I hope so, because I am finally starting to feel happier. Lighter. I'm enjoying my life instead of just living it.

My Valentines Day present for the boy. I was working under short notice and limited means, thus a 2-cd mix collection was the only real option for me.

Music I Think Doesn’t Suck
Vol. 1

Fall on Me – Cry Cry Cry
To Be Alone With You- Sufjan Stevens
Extraordinary Machine- Fiona Apple
Love and Doubt- Slow Runner
Jenny, You’re Barely Alive- Rilo Kiley
Popular Mechanics for lovers- Beulah
Chestnut Hill- Denison Witmer
Kite Song- Rosie Thomas
Get Here Fast- Allison Kaplan
Blue Eyes- Cary Brothers
Warm Whispers- Missy Higgins
You You You You You- The 6ths
Just Stay- Kevin Devine

Vol. 2

Hold You In My Arms- Ray LaMontagne
Where Does It Hurt?- Alexz Johnson
Sideways- Matt Caplan
Green and Gray- Nickel Creek
All the Stars- Eastmountainsouth
Meant to be- Melissa Polinar
All We Are- Matt Nathanson
Falling Slowly- The Swell Season
Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters- Elton John
Stay- Lisa Loeb
Deep in February- Gaby Alter
Don’t think Twice, It’s All Right- Bob Dylan
Love Love Love- the Mountain Goats
Gotta Have You- The Weepies

Timing.

It seems to me that everything in life comes down to timing. Things as big as love, career, and family, death even. But even things as small as crossing a street or catching a subway. It's all in the timing. So, what can we do? No one has completely perfect timing. Do we make every effort to take control of our lives and get our choices as precisely timed as possible? Or do we go with the flow and let life come at us as it will?

In my 23 years I have tried both of these approaches to life. Throughout my college career especially, I have attempted to control everything as well as I could. This is a part of why I am such a good stage manager (which I am.) But in the past six months or so I have stopped. Stopped trying to control and rule and force my life to take a certain direction. I came to more of a 'go with the flow' type of persona. Things became easier. I still get my work done, I see my friends and I am less stressed.

I have an idea of what led to this change in me this past summer. It was a result of multiple things but it was truly born out of a lack of control. When I felt like my world was falling apart even with my attempts at ruling it. I was grasping at straws at this point. This summer I truly learned that there are things in life you cannot plan for or predict or even expect at all.

This realization is the one that broke me, spurred my change. And while I would give anything to not have come to this transition in my life, I know not that is not possible. And I know that I an now the better for it. With everything that may not be going well in my life I am happier now than I have been in a long time.

Dear Ginsburg

Dear Ginsberg,

I wrote a letter to Ginsberg and
sent it to the sky,
through my eyes and to the
nearset stars and with pupils,
opened wide, i cried and cried,
unashamed, uninhibited. the
angels read aloud to Ginsberg
sitting in some heavenness sky.

I proclaim
oh Ginsberg you made me weep
and weep the teary-est tears
for all my years, although
only twenty, I aged with you
and sat in my skin
rocking and creaking
like nana's old rocking chair.

And a soft chuckle,
short gasps of breath
that otherwise would have
been the screams of
beauty like some lonely
streetlight that begs
to be stood under,
orange skinned
and orange tinged...

And to here you sacrifice
yourself time and time again
and splattered`your bloody
ink and your invisible
soul to me and to others
and i wiped my eyes once
again..

I proclaim oh Ginsberg,
You made me wish for a soft body,
and soft hair,
naked touches,
and the power of the nail
that scratches and marks
the skin and be handled
and and and and,
for the cool soft sweat
and shivers under the covers...

You made me want to
jump off balconies and
out of windows testing the limits
of constructed worlds
and falsehoods that look
like movie sets,
and find the rubber airbags
to catch me,
and say ha! I knew it!

Ginsberg,
I apologize for stealing
your style,
I promise I'm not
making a dime...

Ginsberg,
how am I supposed to
write what you have already
wrote? How will I see
everything anew,
and fresh,
will they come to me?
Or will I have to dig
under the graves of dead
plants,dead water
to see a reflection,
a simile,
a verse?

No wait,
Ginsberg,
don’t tell,
don’t kiss,
don’t, kiss and tell,
stay silent,
I don’t want to know,
I want to know,
but I want to know…
I’ll know
when I see it,
when I feel it,
when I smell it,
and when I do, I’ll weep
for me,
weep for you,
weep for the world
weep for everything imaginable,
weep for dusty roads,
and highways,
weep for new clouds,
and new adventures,
weep for weep,
weep for weep’s sake,
for this I will sleep and wake.

Dear Ginsberg, thank you.

- Brian Martinez

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesize
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

"Then he shifted, moving closer to me, and I felt his arm press against mine, his skin warm. And then, finally, he kissed me- really kissed me- and I couldn't hear anything: not the water, the music, or even my own heart, which had to be pounding. Instead, it was just silence, the very best kind, stretching out forever, or only a moment, and then it was over."

-Just Listen

i was fired from my job today.

i was then taken out drinking to comfort me by my sister and cousin.
i just felt awkward.

and then i think i went to far or asked to much of someone that i don't want to scare away.


all in all, a fucking great saturday night.

I like this boy.

It takes a lot for me to allow myself to admit that. But its true.
I really do like him.

And I know some people think that might mean nothing but coming from me it means a lot.
I don't like to show emotional weakness or whatever by letting my guard down and admitting to having feelings for people. But I can't help it this time.
I really do like him.

I may not be shouting it down broad street or putting it on facebook or writing crappy songs about it but its the truth. I like him.

Just talking like this makes me feel so much younger than I actually am. 23 years old and I can barely admit to 'liking' someone. But thats just my own emotional immaturity. Perhaps I'll grow up soon. But for now... I like him.


And I think he likes me too.

6 hours.

I have about 6 hours until I am due into work. I only left there about 3 hours ago. That is cruel. But tomorrow is only a day shift not a double and its followed by seeing Red Ryder with Colleen. And heavy alcohol usage after that. What fun.


I am unbelievably sore. Running around at work today did not help. But its partly my own doing so I have to take it.


This past week or two has been quite interesting. This past month really in terms of whats been going on in my life. But really the past two weeks.


People really can surprise you.
And it can be amazing.

And just what you thought. And nothing like you planned.
And I really enjoy this.

Oh, Holly.

Oh, Holly
So thin, so pretty, so confused.
Oh, Holly
The perfect girl for being used.
You act like you know everything
For everyone you meet
But you're lost and you're scared
Little girl, you're incomplete.

Oh, Holly
With your over-sized glasses and your dark hair
Oh, Holly
You're so busy faking that you can't care
You wish that you were perfect
But what could be the cost
You run away from who you are
Little girl, lost.

And you think that no one sees
The sadness in your eyes.
You fill your past with fictions.
You're drowning in your lies.
Feeling mean reds everyday,
Play 'Moon River' every night.
When ya gonna give up, Holly?
You could be all right.

Oh, Holly
With your many men and your fake friends.
Oh, Holly
All that you can do is play pretend.
Wear a little black dress
And light your cigarette.
Go through the motions everyday.
Do you feel better yet?

And you think that no one sees
The sadness in your eyes.
You fill your past with fictions.
You're drowning in your lies.
Feeling mean reds everyday,
Play 'Moon River' every night.
When will all your games stop, Holly?
You could be all right.
You might be all right.
You will be all right.

-Caitlin Reed, 2010 (c)

Stay

(at least thats it's current title. very likely to change.)

A trail of smoke 'tween your fingertips.
I follow it back to your lips
And I
Wanna take your breath away
And I
Wanna be with you so stay
With me

Cause we could be together
Without the fear or the pressure
And we could hide here forever
So Stay.
Stay.

Brush the hair away from my face
I feel look like a disgrace
But you
Act as if you cannot see
And you
Make me feel like its okay
To be me.

And we could be together
Without the fear or the pressure
And we could hide here forever
So Stay.
Stay.

Don't you think that we
Could try to be happy
Without having to worry 'bout the bullshit
Just like everyone else does
We would understand
If you'd just take my hand

Cause I've always know
That we could be together
Without the fear or the pressure
And we could hide here forever
So Stay.
Just stay.

-Caitlin Reed, 2010 (c)

new year, new something.

Welcome to 2010.
It's crazy. I still remember when it was the mid-90s and that does not feel that long ago.

NYE party at 1414 was insanity. Fun, but crazy.
Work tonight was good. I only worked for about 5 hours and walked away with
$150. That NEVER happens.

And now, to start the year off right. Lyrics to a new song I just wrong about 10 minutes ago!

First (the smell of her hair?)


Wrapped in blankets, huddling
Under what I couldn’t call love
An eventful night connecting
below and above

But what this is has been here for a while before
And if we keep on going now can we return to what we were once more
I’m afraid that we can’t

Because she was here first
She’ll always be ahead of me
She was here first
And soon there’ll be nothing left of me
I’ll give you all I can but still it won’t compare
Cause she was here first
And you still long for
The smell of her hair

We act like this is normal.
Nothing here is is strange.
We talk like nothings different
But I can feel the change

What mistake did we just make
How can I live through this
A whole world can shift
Due to one tiny (not so tiny) kiss.

Whatever we once were we are not anymore
And now we can’t turn back to being what we were before once more

But still she was here first
She’ll always be ahead of me
She was here first
And soon there’ll be nothing left of me
I’ll give you all I am but nothing can compare
Cause she was your first love
And you still long for her
You still pray for her
I know you're waiting for her
And the smell of her hair.
The smell of her hair.
The smell of her
Hair...