So its been a whole week since I wrote last, but its justified.
My computer decided to commit suicide. Very not cool.
Late Wednesday night it just stopped working.
I didn't really understand why, so Thursday (when I should have been turning in a project that was due but had been lost to the depths of my computer) Joe came and looked it over. The diagnosis was not good. But also not positive.
So I figured I'll take it to the Geek Squad at BestBuy and they will fix it and hopefully everything I have saved from the past two years will be there because I have not yet begun to transfer everything over to disk for when I get my new computer a la MAC.
So Friday after Allen Cohen's class my mother was waiting outside of Dreyfuss to take me home.It was Into the Woods auditions for this summer. I sang "Take Me To The World" from Evening Primrose. And I had a monologue prepared from Street Scene. But I told the ajudicates (is thats the right word?) that I was just realizing how inappropriate the monologue was for the actual show. And so I read a scene (as did most of the people who auditioned). Mine was for Jack's Mother (blah) but its okay. Risa called me Saturday afternoon saying that callbacks were that night and to come in at 8. And so I did. But not before going to BestBuy, praying that my computer could be fixed and my information saved, or that they could just salvage my Poli Sci project (and maybe the beginnings of my Research Paper on Sondheim and Prince). But alas at the time they could not. They said the problem is either with the Motherboard or the HardDrive. If its the harddrive they can fix it in the store, but my information is gone. If its the motherboard they need to send it away to fix it, but my information will be safe. Six on way, half dozen the other. But really I hope its the motherboard. I have too many things saved- music, pictures, writings, everything! My life, really.
But anyways after that crushing dissapointment of a trip to BestBuy it was callbacks time. So I went and I ended up reading for 4 different parts, Jack's Mother (eh), Little Red (oo!), The Witch (last minute addition), and Cinderella (huh?). But it was cool. And James was there! I had no idea he was auditioning at all, of course I haven't seen him since last June, but still. Pete had called him and said to do it; and so he did. He was calledback for Jack. And he was good at it. We read together when I was being Little Red. It was fun. But anyways, she still has a few more people to see on Monday (i think?) and we will be notified in the coming week.
So now I am off to school. Without a computer. I just hate feeling so disconnected. I need contact with other people, even if it is only through a conversation online. So yes, don't expect to talk to me on IM. Or even see me on myspace or facebook too often. I will try and check once a day using the Dreyfuss computers, but who knows.
Til a much later date... <3

"and I'll still be alone..."

A moment of connection. OUr very own version of Six Degrees of Separation. Coincidence all around. Our very own 'bench scene', more introductory, exclamatory "Wow!". Not so romantic.
But still. A 'something' occurred. And then it fizzled away into nothingness.
Its like we discussed before... Those kinds of chance meetings do not happen to most people- only to a few. And it does not seem like my life is destined to be one of those, no hints of a 'great romance' coming my way.
I do understand that though. I know what my life could be like. Me, a spinster, old before my time, in a decrepit apartment filled with many cats. Frightening, depressing, all too possible. I understand that is a possibility for my future, along with everyone else's- even if it seems more likely a path for me over others. But although I accept and attempt to come to terms with that possibility I cannot assume that it is the definite path my life will follow. And connections like todays, even if only for a fleeting moment, give me hope.
The hope they give me is what keeps me from giving up on myself. To be able to believe that a connection, even if slight, could occur for only a minute allows me to trust that I could find a connection with another person that could extend for five more minutes, maybe even ten... until we really are 'together.'
Maybe I'm just a big idealist. I do believe that everyone has a person out there that they are meant to be with. Some people are just unable to find their other half. They may try but end up leaving a trail of missed connections and opportunities in their wake. Or they may be shy. Unable to escape themselves, break down their walls and open their hearts to another. And then there are those who cannot find security. Instead of finding one they jump from one to another. Finding as many as possible. But never just one who can keep them, understand them, see past the pretense and the past to the real them.
I don't know where I fit into this. I would say I am shy- because I am, painfully so in some situations. Also I leave many connections behind, not intentionally, its just something that happens. And connections are not something you can force. They just happen. And when they fade away, so be it. That may just be the way things are meant to be. And one day, hopefully not too far away, there will be a connection, completely organic and unforced that will grow and continue to do so. Rather than fade away, it will flourish. And I will have found him. That one person.
But until then there is only one thing I can do. Hope. I will not lose my hope that everything will work out. I will keep believing that it is possible for me to find someone, maybe even love. Because even if I'm not beautiful I do deserve love. Everyone does. But I am getting to a painfully disheartened state. But I will not let it get the best of me. I will keep my hope and faith and trust. And it will happen to me someday...

Somewhere in New York winds are blowing, winters going into spring...

Its almost three am and I'm not yet tired because I passes out earlier tonight. And now I've managed to throw off my entire sleeping schedule. Awesome. I'm thinking that tomorrow (or today at this point) I'm going to head into the city, try to work on my Sondheim/Prince research paper at Lincoln Center Library. I have to call though and try to find out what it is that I need to have so I can use all the materials I need.

The run of Carousel went really well for the most part. There was a few screw ups but on a whole it was a smooth run. Sunday we had a huge audience. The biggest Sunday audience theres ever been for an FDU show, supposedly. It honestly looked like a larger audience than there was for any performance of Cabaret last year. Yay for the cast. We all worked really hard and it paid off. So go team.

I should be working on some sort of paper on India thats due on Thursday. Right now I have no topic even... That should be fixed soon. But it probably won't be until tomorrow night. I'll write it crazy late. Get about 3 hours of sleep and then go to my core class, hand in the paper and then sleep through Gandhi (which we are currently watching) and then go fake my way through Poli-Sci. It will be a party of a Thursday.

Oh, on Sunday night, after strike and whatnot, Josh had a bar-b-q for the cast at his house. Not everyone came but a few were there. And the seniors gave out paper plate awards. Mine was The "We'll Miss You Like A Fat Kid On A Diet Misses Cake" Award. Cute. It made me happy.


I really don't know what I'm doing.
Into the Woods auditions are in a little over a week. I'm not ready yet. I still haven't picked my monologue, but I just can't make up my mind yet. Theres too many that I know. I figure I will go through all my different plays and collections when I go home on Saturday. Friday night if JRB in concert! woot! I'm excited. I hope he'll play "Anywhere But Here" cause I love that song. It's so beautiful.

But yeah... I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm just kind of writing for the sake of writing.

PS: I want to find a boy. Immediately. I'm so bored and I just kind of want someone to be infatuated with. I haven't had a real crush in awhile... le sigh.

Do you remember when things were so much easier? Do you remember when life wasn't so complicated? Do you remember when everything didn't need to be analyzed within an inch of its life?

Me neither.

I cried today. Quietly. No one noticed, or at least they didn't say anything to me. Maybe I'm just that easily ignored. At the end of our final dress rehearsal the cast sat and got notes as usual and then Rob was talking. He started to talk about wanting us to realize that this is the only time we will be able to do this show. in this theater. with this cast and group of people. at this point of time in our lives.
That really just hit me. Hard. I realized that this is it. After Sunday who knows what I'll be doing in theater. I'll audition for something this summer but if it doesn't work out I will not stay in the production because I cannot do that to myself. And then I'll be off to UArts. Where I will be in a completely different part of the theater. I won't be on stage. I won't be performing. I won't be in the situations where what I, the character, is feeling is so intense and huge that it needs to be sung about. It needs music, not just words. I won't have any of that. I will still sing. I don't think I will ever stop singing but it won't be the same.
And I won't have these people. Who I love.
I don't want to lose some of them. I don't want to be the complete ruination of what was left of PickleFour. I don't want to put an end to any possible gathering of the people from SuiteGSpot who still speak. I can't lose these people. I need them. And I'm scared of what life will be like without them- not in a scholastic setting, emotionally speaking. I know I can succeed academically because I did all through high school, but still... It's frightening. I am worried. As much as I might claim to hate FDU, its just the school. Not the people. Not the teachers. I wish I could go to UArts, bring a bunch of these people with me, still have Rob and Allen as teachers and still go to Wroxton. I want the best of both worlds. And I know thats not an option. And I made my decision. And it is the one that will be better for my career in the end. But I still am sad.
I almost feel like in doing this I'm giving up.
I'm finding a new major, one that doesn't involve acting. I felt insecure about my acting (even though when coupled with singing it is what I want to do more than anything in the world.) And so I gave up. I know its not exactly what happened. But in current retrospect thats what it feels like. And thats not good. I need to be confident that I've made the best decision. And I know that I have on an intellectual level... its just the emotional one that scares me. I have this fear in the pit of my stomach that I'll leave here and then just get completely lost at Uarts. I'll end up dissapointing everyone. I won't succeed. And I cannot deal with failure. I get upset with getting Cs. I cannot do badly. And I'm so afraid that I am not a good enough writer, or creative enough, or driven enough, or talented enough. I'll end up not living up to the supposed potential...
I can't do this..
But I need to. I hate debating with myself like this. Especially when its almost 5 in the morning and I should've been asleep at least 3 hours ago, if not 5.
I just want some sort of assurance that I am doing the right thing. That everything will work out. That I can have my cake and eat it too. That I won't lose my friends. I really can't deal with that. I've lost so many people to broken friendships in my life that I cannot lose these people. Atleast not some of them. I need to keep them cause they are my sanity. And yes I might find others to help me stay sane or something, but every person is different and will play a different role in my life... and I don't want to have to recast the people I currently have in some roles...

I make no sense sometimes. But thats what happens when I get scared and tired and upset and everything else. I just wish I could say this to someone. I don't want to thought because I'm scared (more fear!) that they will tell me that I'm make a bad decision. Or that they can't believe I would do that. Or even worse... they won't care. I just want someone to tell me everything will be fine. I am doing the right thing and I am making the correct decision and everything will work out and I'll finally be happy and I'll find my place and I'll succeed and I won't have these questions and I just will be able to be me and still have my friends and my schooling and everything. I want this to work out. Please god let it work out. Give me some sort of sign or message or something. I need it. Please.
I want to hang out with someone cause I feel like what we do as of late is not hanging out like we did once. Now its just work. Lets just have some fun.

I want to document everything happening from now on here I think. I can't forget these people or this school or the times I've had here. I need to keep the best track that I can...

Also I started watching season 2 of Queer As Folk. I know a lot of people do not like Michael as a character. They think he's stupid and clingy and annoying and all sorts of other unflattering descriptions.... but I relate to him. I don't know what that says about me. But in the first three episodes of the sceond season - I know what it is that he means. When he doesn't talk about him and David breaking up.. he was waiting for the right time. I know exactly what he means. Its like I was back when I got my badletter. I wouldn't talk about it. Initially I told about 3 people. It got around eventually but I couldn't tell people. The timing seemed off, and I didn't or couldn't admit defeat (or so it felt)...
And now its 5:17. I should probably go to bed at this point....

Oh yeah-
Come to the CAROUSEL!
Wednesday, March 28 - Saturday, March 31: 8 pm.
Sunday, April 1: 2:30 pm.
Dreyfuss Theater.
FDU Madison.

I promise it won't suck.
atleast I don't think it will

but will we remember it all?

i had a talk with rob today. I told him my news on Monday and it got an indifferent reception. But then he sent me an email saying he was happy for me and its fdu's loss, uart's gain.
So I sent him one back explaining some things. Plans, etc.
Then today during a break at rehearsal he called me over.
We had a real talk. He asked why I was transferring, why UArts over FDU. Why now? What would I change about FDU? What courses would I add? A bunch of those kind of questions. I explained everything to him. And just told him how I need a city atmosphere, and more music classes and more writing classes, and less of a rounded education- I don't need maths and sciences! I told him that he was the reason I chose the school in the first place, he didn't believe me. But I explained to him it was from when I had a theater discovery day, him and Rich really reached me and made me like what I saw in the school. He was telling me how much he likes Philadelphia. I knew he directed a show there last month- but it was at the Adrienne! I know that theater, I've been there. Its a cute little blackbox- very tiny. But it was nice and he was really nice and kind about everything. He asked me if I'd applied to uarts the year before so I told him yes, and it was for musical theater but i bombed my acting audition. He seemed almost surprised by that. It was nice. Like he has atleast a little faith in whatever ability I might have (even if casting doesn't reflect it) But it was nice. And necessary and I appreciated his talking to me a lot...


In other news- or connected news, the show is going fairly well.
Tech is on Sunday, then we have a costumed rehearsal, than costumes and makeup, and then we open on Wednesday. One week. (!) This could very well be my last show for a long time depending on how things go with my Into the Woods audition...

the weather is shit.
it ruined my plans for the day.
and probably for tomorrow.
and tomorrow is st pattys day and i'll end up sitting at home
getting all my shit together maybe drinking alone- probably not cause its not my style.
its really just a shame that no one was around for break at the same time as me.
very unfortunate- at least for me.


saw altar boyz last night with jess and mom. it was fun. cute. hot boys. singing. dancing.
an all around party.

Certain Tragedy.

And now I finally see that the further we go
we're only treading ground that we already know.
I could write you a song, send you a note,
or empty out your trash
and buy a bucket full of diamonds
but even the most beautiful of all roses
must someday crumble to dust and fade away.
It's a certain tragedy.

So it's on into the lonely nights and all the rest of it.
The empty space between me and the sunken walls
and feeling someone's hand around my neck
choking away the life that i have left.
And I can finally see that the further I go
I'm only treading ground that I don't wanna know.
I'll probably hang upside-down
from wooden rafters in my home
and look at old photos of you.
So it's on into the lonely nights and all the rest of it.
The empty space between me and the sunken walls
and feeling someone's hand around my neck
choking away the life that i have left.
I miss the warmth of the summer
when we were on our own,
but now it's winter and my bones are cold.

And now I finally see that the further we go
we're only treading ground that we already know.
I could write you a song, send you a note,
or empty out your trash and
buy a bucket full of diamonds but
even the most beautiful of all roses
must someday crumble to dust and fade away.
It's a certain tragedy.

sometimes life is just too predictable.
sometimes people are just too predictable.
i should've seen it coming,
i should've known better.
after everytimes its been said and nothings happened- you'd think i'd learn.

but i don't.
i have this eternal faith that it'll work out.
things won't fall through.
people will come through.


but they usually don't...

maybe the rest of this week will work out at some point in time.


i did manage to get some clothes at least. such as...

this - but in green




this type of top but not quite... and its belted with a green faux leather belt... different.
and a bunch of other pieces. <3

its officially official

i got a letter and everything.
next semester i won't be at fdu.
I will be a freshman transfer at the University of the Arts in Philadelphia.
Its surreal. I know its going to happen. I got the letter, the big envelope, even a scholarship -but its like I can't believe it.
Its the school I have wanted to go to since I was in 6th or 7th grade when I first heard about it. Maybe my plans have changed a bit, and the major has definitly changed in time, but still. Its the place.
And its the program I have really wanted- Theater. I might now be acting, but instead I'll be writing. I wanted to be a writer before I knew how to do anything else. And now I'll be focusing on playwriting. Its like life comes full circle.
I've told some people here that its completely official.
But not Rob. I don't know what to say, or how to.
I don't want him to think less of me cause I really respect him.
But I leave for Spring Break tomorrow so I guess that will give me time to figure it out- unless I see him and spill the beans, but I don't think he's really here on campus Fridays.
I just can't.. I still can't believe it.
I really am having a situation wrapping my head around the fact that I am getting what I want- what I've almost always wanted.
Its a feeling I'm really not used to at all...

Going home tomorrow is so welcome- I just want to see this letter, make it real to me.
Plus see a few people, do some shopping, maybe a little partying, and just have some fun and not worry about what work I have to do or what I have rehearsal for.

Its my life- through cartoon. For Reals.

queer as folk is cute. i couldnt get into it before but now i like it.
its fun. and funny. and filled with many hot guys- even if they are gay, on the show.

5 days left at school.
then homeward bound for springbreak.
thank god.
i want to go home. and go play in philly.
and see people- like colleen duncan, maybe?!
and jessica and nicholas and maybe even spanky.

and go shopping with miss nikki. and the zoo and the aquarium too apparently.
and get my official letter. and not pay for housing here for next year- cause i won't be here.
i'm goin somewhere else.

it is sad that it makes me smile this much?

ps theres a plague going around fdu. its crazy gross. makes people throw up and fever and all sorts of nasty stuff. and its really a norovirus, but a ton of people are getting it. we just had an emergency hall meeting to inform us of the fact that there will be cleaning supplies available for us so that we dont die. and that if anyone throws up that we should call PS because that person needs an IV immediately. and all sort of other information. blah blah blah.

i kinda wanna get it now cause that way i wont risk it for spring break. and also i just dont want to go to class at all.
ever.

hey, jealousy.

i'm jealous.
i want that social life.
i want things to do, places to go, people to see.
i'm so boring!

save me. from here. and from myself. and from boredom!
blahhhh.

you are my sweetest downfall

That itchy feeling you've been having from time to time lately is good old wanderlust. You need to travel out of your familiar territory and experience a new culture. Being uncomfortable in an airplane seat is a small price to pay for the rewards you will experience once you land. Start planning a long-distance journey today - and consider a foreign country. There are ways of making the trip fit into your budget.

obviously this means going to philly and part of south jersey i am unfamiliar with. its a night and day between here and there so its practically another country. and i have no money, so the whole budget thing will work out. its meant to be!


please don't mind all the things with the horoscopes lately. they've just seemed right for me. and i know the whole point is that they'll work no matter what cause people will choose to believe the horoscopes as they wish to see them but still.. sometimes they are just too perfect.

Apres moi

Your luck is changing today- which could be either good or bad. If you've recently felt as though the entire universe has been conspiring to give you delightful surprises, your well of good fortune is going to get a bit drier. But if you've felt as though nothing has been going your way, you're going to see a very nice change in direction. From finding twenty dollars in the laundry to getting that phone call you've been hoping for, things will definitely start looking up.


well if you've been reading this for the past month you know I haven't felt like the universe has been giving me delightful surprises... so maybe it will start to now.
This is it. February 28th. I have managed to put something in this journal on every calendar date of this month. As per my goal set on the first. Its so nice to know you accomplished something you set out to do, even if its something as frivolous as writing in a blog. I still feel like I did something, at least.

I still have no idea what it is thats going on with myself. A good friend of mine told me to talk to someone about it. And I trust her to tell me the right thing to do. But I don't know that I can go out and seek someone to talk to. Sometimes it just seems weird. Like inappropriate to talk about my issues. Like everybody has problems and mine aren't nearly as big as other peoples so why should I waste someones time when they could be helping someone who really needs it.

I have a Core 3 paper to turn in tomorrow. Its still not finished. But it should have been done on Monday. I suck at life. Whatever. It just wasn't working out. There are those moments when you try so hard to accomplish something and its just not coming together- this whole weekend was one long extended moment for me. Nothing worked out for work. Oh well.

Yesterday I finally sang "I'm Going Back" in Allen's class. It actually worked out fairly well, which surprised me. I thought it would suck hardcore. But everyone pretty much liked it. There were a few off notes but Allen actually said I "sang the shit out of it" which is a good thing. I love when hard work pays off. Cause I did work really hard on that song. It took forever to even get the characterization I gave it yesterday and then it was general cause there is no good synopsis of "Bells Are Ringing." I might get a book with the whole indepth look at it so I can then get even deeper into the song and keep it in my book cause I really like where it sits and how it sounds. Its got a very classic Broadway Belter sound to it, which is what I was really missing from my book. So yay for that.

Rehearsal tonight. I can already tell you it will probably suck for me cause I have a pounding headache (literally pounding, as in I slammed my head into the wall by accident and this headache is whats left over from that) Maybe it will go away eventually. That would certainly be welcome.

I don't know what else to say.
I think I might keep up with this every day thing, or atleast fairly often. I like it.
It gives me something to look at later so I can go "oh thats what I did with my days and my youth and my life" Or something to that effect.
<3

"lol i died i even may have tinkled in my panties"

nikki venuto- conversations with you seriously make my life.

that is all.

Jessica Darling and I

"I never look forward to anything... Because whenever I look forward to anything, it ends up sucking. The buildup inevitably leads to a let down. It's safer to lowball my way through life."

have truer words been spoken?

I'm praying for snow right now.
Or at least more snow than we are currently getting.
I don't want to have class tomorrow.
I don't want to finish my paper that I'm currently writing "Religion In Post-Mao China: Open or Oppressing?"
It's boring me.
Right now I'd prefer to curl up in a ball and read Second Helpings.
Last night I finished rereading Sloppy Firsts.
I just want to continue in the whole story- all three books.
I relate to Jessica Darling way too well.
I swear Megan McCafferty somehow pushed her way into my head.
Or something like that.
But its good. Hopefully I can find my own Marcus Flutie to challenge me the way he does Jessica.
Even if things don't work out perfectly there, for them. Theres still what there was. And what may be- since there is going to be a fourth book.
I would just love to have that kind of connection with someone.
Theres times when I start to think I feel something like that... but then its gone in a matter of moments or sometimes days.
Its dissapointing.
But maybe its just not my time yet.
Maybe I need to wait it out... maybe then I'll find what I need.
Or who I need.
Although it would be really nice to find that someone right now, whoever he is.



So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

guess whos not in the ballet for carousel.

oh yeah me.
i think its hilarious. i have how many years of training and i don't get to do any dancing at all in thise whole show really. lots of bobbing up and down.
some spinning and an alamande.

it just kills me cause i know i can dance.
and because of the way i look she assumes i can't.
she has no idea of my skill level and its not like i can make it known.
so i'm stuck being part of the "hey you suck" group.
when i know i don't.
maybe i should be satisfied in the knowledge that i myself know that i don't suck
but thats not enough.
i just want some recognition.
this is probably my last show at fdu.
i want to be able to do something.
remember something from here.


maybe thats asking for too much.

its in your eyes george

good and long day.
but its okay.
cause i have a quesedilla waiting for me in the fridge right now.
and i am so excited for that right now.
cause i am that pathetic.

but whatever.
right now i'm thinking that i will just curl up in a ball with my quesedilla and my copy of sloppy firsts and pass out. tomorrow will be filled with work of the home kind.
ickk.

i just really feel like giving up sometimes.
but i know i can't
theres a light at the end of the tunnel usually.
i talked to allen today.
he said he'd be sad if i was gone.
he's be happy for them for gaining me, and for me cause i'll do well.
but sad for himself and the school for loosing me.
i love himmm.

rumor has it my interview went well..
lets hope ::crosses fingers::

George is afraid.
George sees the park.
George sees it dying.
George too may fade,
Leaving no mark,
Just passing through.
Just like the people
Out strolling on Sunday...

George looks around.
George is alone.
No use denying
George is aground.
George has outgrown
What he can do.
George would have liked to see
People out strolling on Sunday...