i don't care if washington square is a ghost town.
i like it there.
today i went to school for yet another day of orientation.
these days are unending and i am exhusted... but i love it too much to care.
today was finally advising and scheduling for us crazy transfers.
i have classes to take finally!
color me excited.
anyways today i had a perfect hour or so.
it was in washington square.
i had a long break between the lecture and the actual meeting with amy, the woman in charge of my education and life for the next few years, so i decided to go to the park.
i had a book and free time so it seemed like the thing to do.
so i went, after stopping at starbucks for a tea, and i sat.
i found a bench in the sun and read 'eclipse'.
i got pulled into the world of bella and edward and jacob and everything.
and then i put my book down for a bit.
and i jsut sat.
i reveled in all that was around me.
there was a group of women, babysitters, taking groups of children around the park.
a young mother was playing with her two sons as they had a picnic.
some construction workers were on their lunch break, basking in the sunlight and the fresh air on the benchs opposite me.
a girl, my age, was walking a group of dogs on a rotation. her work, i'm guessing.
but as i sat there i realized that i was part of this.
everything that was going on was part of life and the city and everything.
and now i'm part of it.
i am in philadelphia.
at least i will be living there within the next few days.
and until then i'm taking the train there daily.
but it just hit me all at once that all of that, the city of philadelphia and everything in it, is now mine.
i keep expecting someone to come up and pinch me saying"just kidding! have fun in north jersey!"
and i know thats not going to happen, but everything that is happening has bene what i've wanted for so long that it just seems so surreal...
i don't know what i'm really saying but...
please don't pinch me because if this isn't real i don't want to wake up.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Has there ever been an instance where you couldn't believe something you did? In your head all you can hear is your own voice saying "What am I doing? Whats going on? This is not me." But it is. No matter how out of character it is - this is you,
That happened to me. Last night.
He kissed me like he meant it. It was sweet and intense and then I just lost it. I kissed him back. I just let go . I went with the moment. And as I did, I didn't feel like me. But at the same time, I did. It was almost freeing- almost. I felt his stubble scratching my skin, his tongue ring hitting my teeth, fighting with me. It was the strangest sensation,. Exhilarating and petrifying at the same time. But I didn't know who I was. I am not the reckless abandon girl. I do not make out with people I've know for a total of two hours. Its just not who I am. And as much as I'd like to blame it on the tequila, it was my own doing. I flirted and played. When he asked if he could kiss me I complied. I was willing, maybe even eager.
Afterward, I looked in the mirror. I thought that I could see it. I could tell what I'd been doing in that hallway. My lips were red from his. My hair mussed by his hands. And I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do. So I laughed.
When he asked for my phone number I said no. We live two hours away. It just didn't seem like the way it should be. So to shut him up I kissed him again, hiding from everyone else as they walked around the corner. And then he was leaving. It was past 3am already. The bar was closed, everyone leaving. And I kissed him again. Goodbye. Infront of everyone on the streets of Manhattan.
Who was I last night?
(Things to Ruin was amazing.
I think I love Joe Iconis - maybe i'm just inlove with a punk rocker named joe?)
That happened to me. Last night.
He kissed me like he meant it. It was sweet and intense and then I just lost it. I kissed him back. I just let go . I went with the moment. And as I did, I didn't feel like me. But at the same time, I did. It was almost freeing- almost. I felt his stubble scratching my skin, his tongue ring hitting my teeth, fighting with me. It was the strangest sensation,. Exhilarating and petrifying at the same time. But I didn't know who I was. I am not the reckless abandon girl. I do not make out with people I've know for a total of two hours. Its just not who I am. And as much as I'd like to blame it on the tequila, it was my own doing. I flirted and played. When he asked if he could kiss me I complied. I was willing, maybe even eager.
Afterward, I looked in the mirror. I thought that I could see it. I could tell what I'd been doing in that hallway. My lips were red from his. My hair mussed by his hands. And I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do. So I laughed.
When he asked for my phone number I said no. We live two hours away. It just didn't seem like the way it should be. So to shut him up I kissed him again, hiding from everyone else as they walked around the corner. And then he was leaving. It was past 3am already. The bar was closed, everyone leaving. And I kissed him again. Goodbye. Infront of everyone on the streets of Manhattan.
Who was I last night?
(Things to Ruin was amazing.
I think I love Joe Iconis - maybe i'm just inlove with a punk rocker named joe?)
Sunday, August 12, 2007
I hate the phone, but I wish you'd call.
There's a myth that every seven years there is a renewal that takes place within the body, cells replacing themselves. According to this idea you become a "new" person every seven years, at least. I know it's not true, but its such a nice idea that I can't resist it. Going on this theory, you could be a completely "different" person every seven years.
I still have moments today where I feel like a fourteen year old girl, so maybe it is time for a change.
Since I'm going to be 21 in a matter of months it may be the beginning of a new time, a new chapter. Time to start anew, open up a new book of my life. Move on. Forget about those people that were holding me back, tying me to the past. Not my friends. I can't let go of them. They're there for me. I mean those people who I really have no connection to other than memories that I live in from time to time. It's time I finally get past certain people. One specifically is one I need to get past. I know it is never going to happen. As if the impending marriage weren't enough, the lack of anything over the past how many years should be a clue. I have this image of him in my mind that I've been building up since... far longer that I'd like to admit. Its not real. And even if it was real, it's not mine. He's not mine.
Every crush I've had since I was in 8th grade. No matter how "over" it and them I may be there is still a little part of me, deep in my heart and my head, that is holding out. That goes pitter-patter at the thought of them, at the sound of their name. It may only be a little flutter, but its there nonetheless. And it needs to be done away with. And soon.
I'm not sure how one goes about cutting someone from their heart, especially when the memory of them still exists, and probably always will, but I need to do this. To move on with my life. I will never find the same sort of attraction as I did to one, the banter I had with another, or the history we shared. But thats okay. Maybe I can find a deeper attraction, more clever banter, and start making my own history...
I still have moments today where I feel like a fourteen year old girl, so maybe it is time for a change.
Since I'm going to be 21 in a matter of months it may be the beginning of a new time, a new chapter. Time to start anew, open up a new book of my life. Move on. Forget about those people that were holding me back, tying me to the past. Not my friends. I can't let go of them. They're there for me. I mean those people who I really have no connection to other than memories that I live in from time to time. It's time I finally get past certain people. One specifically is one I need to get past. I know it is never going to happen. As if the impending marriage weren't enough, the lack of anything over the past how many years should be a clue. I have this image of him in my mind that I've been building up since... far longer that I'd like to admit. Its not real. And even if it was real, it's not mine. He's not mine.
Every crush I've had since I was in 8th grade. No matter how "over" it and them I may be there is still a little part of me, deep in my heart and my head, that is holding out. That goes pitter-patter at the thought of them, at the sound of their name. It may only be a little flutter, but its there nonetheless. And it needs to be done away with. And soon.
I'm not sure how one goes about cutting someone from their heart, especially when the memory of them still exists, and probably always will, but I need to do this. To move on with my life. I will never find the same sort of attraction as I did to one, the banter I had with another, or the history we shared. But thats okay. Maybe I can find a deeper attraction, more clever banter, and start making my own history...
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Into the Woods is now.
You should come see it.
Sacred Heart, Mount Holly.
Saturday - 8pm.
Sunday- 3 pm.
You will laugh and cry and maybe dance a bit.
But in other news.
LBI starting tomorrow (technically, but not really till Sunday night)
If you wanna come down call me.
If you're gonna stay bring your own pillow and towels.
Thats all we really ask.
And now I'm off.
You should come see it.
Sacred Heart, Mount Holly.
Saturday - 8pm.
Sunday- 3 pm.
You will laugh and cry and maybe dance a bit.
But in other news.
LBI starting tomorrow (technically, but not really till Sunday night)
If you wanna come down call me.
If you're gonna stay bring your own pillow and towels.
Thats all we really ask.
And now I'm off.
Monday, July 30, 2007
you'll never know...
i never know what to say when i've taken a sabbatical of sort from this.
do i update on the meaningless things i've done? do i write about whats coming?
do i scream and rant about the futility of life as we know it?
what shall i say?
how about this.
i have no money.
my job doesn't give me nearly enough money for the few hours they allow me to work. thus i am incredibly poor, even after getting a paycheck today.
into the woods is rapidly approaching, like opening on thursday,
i'm scared and excited all at once.
and on stage i am going to look hideous, but in a good way, an old person-ish way.
i am never meant to be an old person i'm thinking by the way i looked in the make up.
anyways.
beachhouse starts on saturday. show ends on sunday.
theres a bit of spillover but its being dealt with and i will be at the house to stay by sunday night.
you are welcome to come and play so long as you have somewhere to stay. call the cell.
i'm getting anxious and excited about the coming month. August.
So muhc is happening.
The Show, The Beach, The School, The Apartment (we think), and LIFE in general.
Its just rushing forward.
This summer has breezed by so fast, I don't know what to say about it.
I feel like it should still be mid-June and here it is the last days of July.
Am I missing out? Is time really just flying?
Or did I just let the summer pass me by?
do i update on the meaningless things i've done? do i write about whats coming?
do i scream and rant about the futility of life as we know it?
what shall i say?
how about this.
i have no money.
my job doesn't give me nearly enough money for the few hours they allow me to work. thus i am incredibly poor, even after getting a paycheck today.
into the woods is rapidly approaching, like opening on thursday,
i'm scared and excited all at once.
and on stage i am going to look hideous, but in a good way, an old person-ish way.
i am never meant to be an old person i'm thinking by the way i looked in the make up.
anyways.
beachhouse starts on saturday. show ends on sunday.
theres a bit of spillover but its being dealt with and i will be at the house to stay by sunday night.
you are welcome to come and play so long as you have somewhere to stay. call the cell.
i'm getting anxious and excited about the coming month. August.
So muhc is happening.
The Show, The Beach, The School, The Apartment (we think), and LIFE in general.
Its just rushing forward.
This summer has breezed by so fast, I don't know what to say about it.
I feel like it should still be mid-June and here it is the last days of July.
Am I missing out? Is time really just flying?
Or did I just let the summer pass me by?
Friday, July 20, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Okay so I was by myself at work today and I randomly got inspired and started writing a monologue that is now leading into a whole play. I already have three scenes done and a fourth started! But anyways. The opening is a monologue.
LIGHTS UP
Alison, a twenty three year old from "anywhere", sits in the middle of the stage. She is applauding someone who just addressed the "group". She congratulates this person on their bravery and ability to speak so candidly about their life when she abruptly stops and looks up as if called on.
Alison: Oh, its my turn? Oh... Okay then. Well, hi. My names Alison and... I date unavailable men. Well, actually no that's not true, I don't date them, at least not usually. Most of the time these men are so unavailable that we can't even get to the dating stage. Maybe we'll do the pre-dating talking thing but it never gets beyond that. I've been wondering why this happens for awhile now and I think I've finally come to a conclusion.
I have horrible taste. Well, no, not horrible but its like I don't see these guys as they really are. I see them as intelligent and cute and funny- which is the complete truth, but I always miss out on the one big thing. The huge part of who they are and how they live their lives. Ya know what I mean? No? Well... how else can I say it... Ummm... Its like they would date me, love me, marry me, sex me except for the fact that they don't... you know, they don't... screw it. They're gay! I always fall for gay men. God knows what this says about me and my psyche- but its the truth. Maybe its because I've grown up doing theater so I spent more time with gay boys than straight. But wouldn't you be able to tell who's gay and who's straight easier from having so much experience with them? Apparently not! Maybe I just have really bad gay-dar, or I'm so desperate for a man I'll take anything. All I know is I always pick out the gays.
There's a joke my friends have. They always say "How do you know if a guy is gay? If you show him to Alison and she likes him!" (deadpan)Hah. I've always thought that one was hilarious. Truly a knee-slapper. But... I digress.
So yeah. That is my issue. And no I'm not attracted to gay men because I'm secretly a lesbian. I've heard that theory thrown around and I'm just not biting. In all honesty the thought of "being" with another girl... it just skeeves me out. I mean no offense to lesbians or anything... but its just not my cup of tea. Ya know?
But, yes. That is my problem, really bad gay-dar coupled with a desperate need to be loved. And the result of that combo- me.
LIGHTS DOWN
maybe let me know what you think?
its rough and just an idea of sorts from when i was sitting at things remembered doing nothing all morning cause we had no customers. but i kind of like it... maybe?
LIGHTS UP
Alison, a twenty three year old from "anywhere", sits in the middle of the stage. She is applauding someone who just addressed the "group". She congratulates this person on their bravery and ability to speak so candidly about their life when she abruptly stops and looks up as if called on.
Alison: Oh, its my turn? Oh... Okay then. Well, hi. My names Alison and... I date unavailable men. Well, actually no that's not true, I don't date them, at least not usually. Most of the time these men are so unavailable that we can't even get to the dating stage. Maybe we'll do the pre-dating talking thing but it never gets beyond that. I've been wondering why this happens for awhile now and I think I've finally come to a conclusion.
I have horrible taste. Well, no, not horrible but its like I don't see these guys as they really are. I see them as intelligent and cute and funny- which is the complete truth, but I always miss out on the one big thing. The huge part of who they are and how they live their lives. Ya know what I mean? No? Well... how else can I say it... Ummm... Its like they would date me, love me, marry me, sex me except for the fact that they don't... you know, they don't... screw it. They're gay! I always fall for gay men. God knows what this says about me and my psyche- but its the truth. Maybe its because I've grown up doing theater so I spent more time with gay boys than straight. But wouldn't you be able to tell who's gay and who's straight easier from having so much experience with them? Apparently not! Maybe I just have really bad gay-dar, or I'm so desperate for a man I'll take anything. All I know is I always pick out the gays.
There's a joke my friends have. They always say "How do you know if a guy is gay? If you show him to Alison and she likes him!" (deadpan)Hah. I've always thought that one was hilarious. Truly a knee-slapper. But... I digress.
So yeah. That is my issue. And no I'm not attracted to gay men because I'm secretly a lesbian. I've heard that theory thrown around and I'm just not biting. In all honesty the thought of "being" with another girl... it just skeeves me out. I mean no offense to lesbians or anything... but its just not my cup of tea. Ya know?
But, yes. That is my problem, really bad gay-dar coupled with a desperate need to be loved. And the result of that combo- me.
LIGHTS DOWN
maybe let me know what you think?
its rough and just an idea of sorts from when i was sitting at things remembered doing nothing all morning cause we had no customers. but i kind of like it... maybe?
Thursday, June 21, 2007
I don't know what other people see
or what they think is love
But I know what it means to me
I fall in love so easily
And it's hard to let your guard down
Something you never wanted to
I gave you my love and if you turned away
I guess i'd be screwed, but...
I'm a hopeless romantic
You're just hopeless
Beer and wine does me fine but
it doesn't always do
When i get back up and dust off
I always come back to you.
I'm my own man with my own plan
I can't do the things you want me to
I'm kinda lazy and I kinda stink
But I'll clean myself up for you
or what they think is love
But I know what it means to me
I fall in love so easily
And it's hard to let your guard down
Something you never wanted to
I gave you my love and if you turned away
I guess i'd be screwed, but...
I'm a hopeless romantic
You're just hopeless
Beer and wine does me fine but
it doesn't always do
When i get back up and dust off
I always come back to you.
I'm my own man with my own plan
I can't do the things you want me to
I'm kinda lazy and I kinda stink
But I'll clean myself up for you
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Oh my God I must have blinders on or something.
How do I not know these things?Am I that oblivious?
Just chalk it up to bad taste one more time.
How can I be so blind?
Idiot.
Anyways.. I should be at work right now.
I was on the schedule from 1 til 5.
Yet here I am. At home. At 2:30 in the afternoon...
Something about this doesn't add up.
Maybe it is because there was no one there when I walked into the mall.
The store was locked.
The gate was down. The lights were off.
Its not like I have a key or any way of getting in,
and even if I did get in I have no idea what to do or where anything is.
I am still training! I have worked three days so far.
I am not ready to do anything like that.
So the store was closed.
And I didn't get the memo, cause someone decided to not come in.
And now there are a ton of angry people (this is all a guess) who wanted their items today. Who were planning on picking up gifts for Fathers Day. Today. And then giving thme to their fathers.
And now they don't have them. And they'll be angry.
And if I have to go into work and deal wit hany of them- I will be angry too.
Even more than I am right now.
I might only be losing $28. But still. That is $28 that I don't have right now.
Moving on...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was stupid. And I made a bad choice.
Don't hold it against me.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I'm human. Its what we were designed to do.
I don't know what else to do...
How do I not know these things?Am I that oblivious?
Just chalk it up to bad taste one more time.
How can I be so blind?
Idiot.
Anyways.. I should be at work right now.
I was on the schedule from 1 til 5.
Yet here I am. At home. At 2:30 in the afternoon...
Something about this doesn't add up.
Maybe it is because there was no one there when I walked into the mall.
The store was locked.
The gate was down. The lights were off.
Its not like I have a key or any way of getting in,
and even if I did get in I have no idea what to do or where anything is.
I am still training! I have worked three days so far.
I am not ready to do anything like that.
So the store was closed.
And I didn't get the memo, cause someone decided to not come in.
And now there are a ton of angry people (this is all a guess) who wanted their items today. Who were planning on picking up gifts for Fathers Day. Today. And then giving thme to their fathers.
And now they don't have them. And they'll be angry.
And if I have to go into work and deal wit hany of them- I will be angry too.
Even more than I am right now.
I might only be losing $28. But still. That is $28 that I don't have right now.
Moving on...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was stupid. And I made a bad choice.
Don't hold it against me.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I'm human. Its what we were designed to do.
I don't know what else to do...
Thursday, June 14, 2007
i officially have a job.
i start in less than ten hours.
fun.
party in maryland on saturday night was interesting.
phone calls are never good ideas. ever.
especially not when you are drinking unknown alcohols.
into the woods will be good.
it must be.
and maybe...
maybe it is time to stop wishing.
take a risk. make a choice.
everything might be up to chance.
but sometimes you need to push chance along- right?
i start in less than ten hours.
fun.
party in maryland on saturday night was interesting.
phone calls are never good ideas. ever.
especially not when you are drinking unknown alcohols.
into the woods will be good.
it must be.
and maybe...
maybe it is time to stop wishing.
take a risk. make a choice.
everything might be up to chance.
but sometimes you need to push chance along- right?
Friday, June 01, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
The Feel Good Revolution
Come by when you get off work
I'll be sitting around doing nothing
Let's wait until the sun goes down
Then we'll drive off deep into the night
Don't care where we're going
As long as I'm going with you
The summer swells in us
With the heat comes a new kind of wanting
Cool nights never cooled us off
Lay around wait for something to happen
But it's three lonely figures
A bedroom, a basement, she's scared
Which one is sleeping and which one is lying awake?
Yeah, which one is sleeping and which one is lying about it?
Afternoon drags on and on
Movie nights that never end
We can hang out all night long
Lay in bed and talk to a good friend
Because we only get older
And we'll probably forget what it's like
The university is quiet today
Didn't clean, we just talked in the bathroom
The girl always gets in the way
Ruined friendships, but others replace them
These opinions are poison
Been drinking them all of my life
Can never replace you
Could never forget what it's like
Step out on a moonlit roof
The radio leads a feel good revolution
Cigarettes and my closest friends
Tell myself that I have to remember this
Remember this
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember this
To remember this
I'll be sitting around doing nothing
Let's wait until the sun goes down
Then we'll drive off deep into the night
Don't care where we're going
As long as I'm going with you
The summer swells in us
With the heat comes a new kind of wanting
Cool nights never cooled us off
Lay around wait for something to happen
But it's three lonely figures
A bedroom, a basement, she's scared
Which one is sleeping and which one is lying awake?
Yeah, which one is sleeping and which one is lying about it?
Afternoon drags on and on
Movie nights that never end
We can hang out all night long
Lay in bed and talk to a good friend
Because we only get older
And we'll probably forget what it's like
The university is quiet today
Didn't clean, we just talked in the bathroom
The girl always gets in the way
Ruined friendships, but others replace them
These opinions are poison
Been drinking them all of my life
Can never replace you
Could never forget what it's like
Step out on a moonlit roof
The radio leads a feel good revolution
Cigarettes and my closest friends
Tell myself that I have to remember this
Remember this
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember this
To remember this
Thursday, May 24, 2007
So Arctic Express has yet to contact me.
I'm calling tomorrow night to see whats up.
I did call earlier today but the manager wasn't there.
I also applied at Things Remembered in the Burlington Center.
Hopefully I will be hired. I need a job.
Like immediately.
I can't spend all of my time at home.
And I can't keep taking my moms money.
I feel bad.
First music rehearsal tomorrow. Excitement and trepedation abound.
LBI trip was on Tuesday. It was freezing but we dealt with it.
Amy, Dimp and I. We had fun all the same.
I want to talk to you.
I don't know how to.
I feel bad. I know it was over a year ago... at least the first infraction was.
But I still feel bad.
And then there was whatever happened this past fall.
I'm still not sure what that was. But I'm sorry. I know that much.
Please talk to me.
Approach me.
Something me!
I wanted to IM you... but I'm scared.
How pathetic is that?
I'm scared to click and say "Hi"
I'm a sad little girl.
Very sad.
I'm calling tomorrow night to see whats up.
I did call earlier today but the manager wasn't there.
I also applied at Things Remembered in the Burlington Center.
Hopefully I will be hired. I need a job.
Like immediately.
I can't spend all of my time at home.
And I can't keep taking my moms money.
I feel bad.
First music rehearsal tomorrow. Excitement and trepedation abound.
LBI trip was on Tuesday. It was freezing but we dealt with it.
Amy, Dimp and I. We had fun all the same.
I want to talk to you.
I don't know how to.
I feel bad. I know it was over a year ago... at least the first infraction was.
But I still feel bad.
And then there was whatever happened this past fall.
I'm still not sure what that was. But I'm sorry. I know that much.
Please talk to me.
Approach me.
Something me!
I wanted to IM you... but I'm scared.
How pathetic is that?
I'm scared to click and say "Hi"
I'm a sad little girl.
Very sad.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Although it's something you have never thought about Mr Maraczek, Try Me!
Hire me.
Give me a job.
I handed in my application to Arctic Express.
Hopefully they will call me back and say "Why of course we wil hire you! You would be a wonderful addition to our workforce!"
That would be incredible.
Otherwise. I am screwed.
Give me a job.
I handed in my application to Arctic Express.
Hopefully they will call me back and say "Why of course we wil hire you! You would be a wonderful addition to our workforce!"
That would be incredible.
Otherwise. I am screwed.
it seems longer, it seems like forever
I do realize that this post card is from Michigan. But in my mind I want to think that someone wrote it for me. I want to believe that there is someone in the world who sees me as colorful, complex, and having a beauty thats all my own. I know its wishful thinking but it would be lovely if it were so. At least I think so. Lovely.
Dimple kidnapped me for the past twenty four hours (and then some). I became the non-Filipino member of the Cavan clan. It was a lovely day. Starting with sing-a-long last night, big talky gossip session, The Little Mermaid to sleep, even chruch this morning. And thne off to Atlantic city for shopping and wandering (fun), and then to Vietnamese food in Philly, then Chad's then finally home. A grand old time. I miss hanging out with Dimp and now we all only get a little bit of time with her before shes gotta move back to Boston for some interning fun. Tres sad.
So I know I'm not always okay with it, but I normally can deal with being the single one. The slightly awkward, snarky, chubby, single friend. Its been my life story. But I'm not okay with that. Maybe I have been before, or at least I've lied and said I was okay with it. But I don't know that I can be okay with it anymore. I don't want to just date someone for the sake of dating them, but I want to date. I want a boy. I want a boy to like me. I want a boy to like. I want some sort of mutual attraction. I want someone. I want something more than I have. I am so jealous of those people who are perpetually in relationships. I mean maybe they aren't always that meaningful, hence the continually falling in and out. But still. They have that connection. They get to experience something with someone else. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. Which might not be true cause its not like I don't do anything, but theres just.... There's a lot missing. And I want a connection. I want a feeling. I want something.
I feel devoid.
Also in looking back on high school today with Dimp... it is amazing. I have these moments where it feels like I still am in high school, an awkward freshman carrying around too many books. And then theres times like today. Where its becomes really obvious that it has been two years since I've seen many of those people, or even thought of them. I struggled to remember names. I found it hard to picture certain peoples faces. Its odd. I know its hit me in the past but tonight I really realized that high school is over. College is halfway done (for most, not me but thats another story). Life is rushing forward and I don't know what is going on. Its scary and exhilarating all at once.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Beautiful Disaster
She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.
And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.
And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.
She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.
She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired
She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.
Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.
And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.
And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.
And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.
She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.
She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired
She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.
Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.
And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.
Friday, May 18, 2007
101 - in the shade?
school is done.
i am still unemployed- at least for now.
it seems like no one is home yet, even though i know they are. we're all just having difficulties seeing each other. but that will be remedied.
i got all of my final grade. i made deans list and i didn't even do too horribly in weather and climate somehow. thank god.
on the last day of classes i had my final for allen's class. and when i handed in my final he talked to me, only for a minute or two, but it was so encouraging and nice. i will miss him next year. i wish he would follow me and start working at uarts like he was supposed to a few years ago. but he told me (in so many words) to stick with writing because from my paper he could tell i was good at it. and to not give up on performing because even though i might have a hard time getting cast with my type i won't alway and eventually i will succeed and i could really breakthrough into that world. it was just nice. no one's ever given me that kind of speech. and coming from him it meant a lot to me because he knows what he is talking about. he's an "industry professional" or whatever you'd like to say. but he does know what he's talking about. and the fact that he has faith in me.... its nice. very. and it makes me believe in myself some more. maybe i won't get the parts i want now... but eventually. in the future.
he said i was really talented. and that i have a great voice.
i know a ton of people have said it to me before... but sometimes you need to hear it from someone who doesn't feel obligated to say it because of family ties or friendship. he didn't need to give me that speech- it could've been a goodbye, goodluck thing. but instead he said all that.... it was really, very nice.
i am still unemployed- at least for now.
it seems like no one is home yet, even though i know they are. we're all just having difficulties seeing each other. but that will be remedied.
i got all of my final grade. i made deans list and i didn't even do too horribly in weather and climate somehow. thank god.
on the last day of classes i had my final for allen's class. and when i handed in my final he talked to me, only for a minute or two, but it was so encouraging and nice. i will miss him next year. i wish he would follow me and start working at uarts like he was supposed to a few years ago. but he told me (in so many words) to stick with writing because from my paper he could tell i was good at it. and to not give up on performing because even though i might have a hard time getting cast with my type i won't alway and eventually i will succeed and i could really breakthrough into that world. it was just nice. no one's ever given me that kind of speech. and coming from him it meant a lot to me because he knows what he is talking about. he's an "industry professional" or whatever you'd like to say. but he does know what he's talking about. and the fact that he has faith in me.... its nice. very. and it makes me believe in myself some more. maybe i won't get the parts i want now... but eventually. in the future.
he said i was really talented. and that i have a great voice.
i know a ton of people have said it to me before... but sometimes you need to hear it from someone who doesn't feel obligated to say it because of family ties or friendship. he didn't need to give me that speech- it could've been a goodbye, goodluck thing. but instead he said all that.... it was really, very nice.
Monday, May 07, 2007
"She loves the smell of old books."
Its been awhile, I know. At first I could have blamed it on the almost three weeks I was without a computer because of repair issues. But then it got to a point where I was either lazy or busy... or both. But jsut because I haven't written here doesn't mean I haven't been writing. Because I have, just of my own volition. I've figured that if I plan on being a student of writing in any way I should really stick with it and try to finish some projects, because normally I get too distracted to finish. And I still haven't finished anything- but I've certainly started some and I have even more ideas coming. Which is great.I just had a test, it lasted one minute. Twenty-five multiple choice questions. Amazing. The last "core" class I will ever need to take. I made it up to "Core 3: Cross-Cultural Perspectives" It's what we call a party, or "lets watch a movie today" since that is all we did the entire time. But it wasn't too bad. I did read an incredible book about motherhood in Africa in the 1930s, as things were changing from tribal societies to those influenced by Western Culture. "The Joys of Motherhood" Very good, interesting style too.
This is my last week of classes. Actually its finals week. My last week at FDU. It still hasn't set in that I won't be here next semester. I know when I think about it that I won't be here, but it hasn't set in that I will not be having classes in NAB or the Mansion or be performing on the Dreyfuss stage next year. I won't be seeing these people who have been a huge part of my life this past year or two. Its certainly scary. I don't know when its goning to hit me, but I have a feeling that when it does it will not be pretty. There will probably be tears. Heavy ones, as that is the only way I react to things as of late.I really have become quite the crier. Which is funny, at least to me, because in the past I would not cry. I spent a whole 8 months of my junior year not crying only to have it all come out one night while reading "The Truth About Forever" by Sarah Dessen. Since then I've let the tears come as they may, but lately it has just been over the top. Far more than I would expect, and we're talking about me! I should be able to predict in some way the amount of crying I'll do, shouldn't I?
I am so strange. But I guess thats just how I am. I started to pack my things away today. I only have enough clothing out to last me the week. A skirt a day, plus an extra skirt for today because Chorus needs to sing for a dedication or naming ceremony, or something like that, at the mansion later. It should be pretty, singing in French "Rose Lis Printemps" (or however it is spelled). That's a last minute change considering last week we were supposed to be singing "Lift Every Voice" and the "FDU Alma Mater". But that it perfectly acceptable because our alma mater is horrible. If it could have been re-writtten I think everyone would have preferred it, but whatever. It doesn't even matter now.
I went back to my high school. Holy Cross. My home of four years. Felicia went too. She's beenb back plenty of times. This was only my fourth. But then again. I don't have brothers on the backetball and wrestling teams like she does. But we went to see Big River. It was a well done production for the most part. Its sad because as I've become more educated about theater some of its been ruined for me. As in the past I would have gone, watched the show and come out saying "Wow, that was great!" like a large portion of the audience, all I could do was focus on the bad acting filled with movement around the stage that had nothing to do with the characters objective, tons of indication, and at some points an actor going dead while the other is performing. In the past I might have noticed the movement part, but thats it. Now all of this jumps out at me. But so be it. That is what comes with education.
Also went to UArts and saw Back2Back2Back, a collection of three one act plays. It was cute. Fun. I personally liked the middle section, titled Back2Back (the entire collection getting its name from this), but according to Jessica that one was the least popular. It had the most complicated music, and a story about neurotic New Yorkers struggling to make a connection with each other as they go in and out of their appointments with their shrink (who the two of them see back to back- get it?!) But I really enjoyed it. Also earlier in the day there was Alex's communion party and a bar-b-q ar Gene's house. Technically speaking it was a cast part for the UArts cast of You Can't Take It With You, but his wife suggested he invite the London people, thus I was there. I got to meet a lot of people who I'll be with next semester, including the boy Jessica and I will be living with, John. He is adorable. I don't even know what else to say other than that. But it was fun. A little awkward for me, not knowing anyone but Jessica, Carl (who barely said hi- whated) and Cherie. But still it was fun.
And then the next day it was Jillian's baby shower. That was cute. With lots of light blue. She's having a boy, Hunter. He is due next month. And God knows he will be adorable. And he already has enough clothing to cover his body til he's 2 nad not have to repeat an outfit- of course that sonly if he never grew. Which he will do half of the adorable onesies people bought for him won't get worn. but oh well. It will still be cute to look at. I can't wait for there ot be a new baby around. I know I won't see him very much. But I love babies. And if I could I would offer up my babysitting services. I'll be a good mom when my time comes. Which with the way things are going will not be for a very, very long time. It's almost a shame, but so be it.
I tried to apologize to someone recently for the way I treated him. I was throughtless and heartless at the time. But he has since dissappeared. And by that I mean, gotten rid of his myspace and stopped signing in online. I have his cell phone number but I don't want to be weird about it. So I guess I will just wait until I get to talk to him in person or he comes back on line. I just really want to say sorry for running away. I didn't mean to. Well, actually thats a lie. I did mean to. But I was scared. He was coming on strong and I didn't know how else to react. It was one of my first times in that sort of situation and I didn't know what else to do. And now, ages later, I feel even more terrible about it than I did at the time. It wasn't anything big. But its been on my mind. And I've been thinking in "What If's". What if I had just said yes? What if I hadn't been afraid of someone who was actually interested in me? Things could have been so different. But I can't change the past. So, I have to take whats happened and what part I played in the decision making.
I'm just odd. Weird. Strange. Abnormal. You know the deal. Anyways, now that I've ranted on for nearly twenty years, I believe it is time for me to study Italian. I have a final tomorrow and it is going to be near impossible. But I will manage...somehow. I'm not quite sure how that is, but I will. And hopefully I will keep the "A-" (or something like that) I have in the class right now. It would be incredibly pleasant. Especially since that is what I am struggling the most with grade-wise I believe, other than Weather and Climate, which doesn't count since no one is doing well in that entire class except Nicole. Oh well.
I am currently watching a bad Lindsay Lohan movie Just My Luck. It is so cheesy and corny and hokey. But Its cute at the same time. Plus she has great clothes throughout it. Okay. Off to the nation of Italy. Studying and all of that sort of fun.
Oh and by the way, I was cast as Jack's Mother in Into the Woods. It's not exactly what I wanted, but it is better than I expected. And James was cast as Jack. Which is cool, that means I get to hang out with him some this summer. He is years younger than me but when we've talked we get along so it'll be fun. Plus we can make fun of Chelsea behind her back.
This is my last week of classes. Actually its finals week. My last week at FDU. It still hasn't set in that I won't be here next semester. I know when I think about it that I won't be here, but it hasn't set in that I will not be having classes in NAB or the Mansion or be performing on the Dreyfuss stage next year. I won't be seeing these people who have been a huge part of my life this past year or two. Its certainly scary. I don't know when its goning to hit me, but I have a feeling that when it does it will not be pretty. There will probably be tears. Heavy ones, as that is the only way I react to things as of late.I really have become quite the crier. Which is funny, at least to me, because in the past I would not cry. I spent a whole 8 months of my junior year not crying only to have it all come out one night while reading "The Truth About Forever" by Sarah Dessen. Since then I've let the tears come as they may, but lately it has just been over the top. Far more than I would expect, and we're talking about me! I should be able to predict in some way the amount of crying I'll do, shouldn't I?
I am so strange. But I guess thats just how I am. I started to pack my things away today. I only have enough clothing out to last me the week. A skirt a day, plus an extra skirt for today because Chorus needs to sing for a dedication or naming ceremony, or something like that, at the mansion later. It should be pretty, singing in French "Rose Lis Printemps" (or however it is spelled). That's a last minute change considering last week we were supposed to be singing "Lift Every Voice" and the "FDU Alma Mater". But that it perfectly acceptable because our alma mater is horrible. If it could have been re-writtten I think everyone would have preferred it, but whatever. It doesn't even matter now.
I went back to my high school. Holy Cross. My home of four years. Felicia went too. She's beenb back plenty of times. This was only my fourth. But then again. I don't have brothers on the backetball and wrestling teams like she does. But we went to see Big River. It was a well done production for the most part. Its sad because as I've become more educated about theater some of its been ruined for me. As in the past I would have gone, watched the show and come out saying "Wow, that was great!" like a large portion of the audience, all I could do was focus on the bad acting filled with movement around the stage that had nothing to do with the characters objective, tons of indication, and at some points an actor going dead while the other is performing. In the past I might have noticed the movement part, but thats it. Now all of this jumps out at me. But so be it. That is what comes with education.
Also went to UArts and saw Back2Back2Back, a collection of three one act plays. It was cute. Fun. I personally liked the middle section, titled Back2Back (the entire collection getting its name from this), but according to Jessica that one was the least popular. It had the most complicated music, and a story about neurotic New Yorkers struggling to make a connection with each other as they go in and out of their appointments with their shrink (who the two of them see back to back- get it?!) But I really enjoyed it. Also earlier in the day there was Alex's communion party and a bar-b-q ar Gene's house. Technically speaking it was a cast part for the UArts cast of You Can't Take It With You, but his wife suggested he invite the London people, thus I was there. I got to meet a lot of people who I'll be with next semester, including the boy Jessica and I will be living with, John. He is adorable. I don't even know what else to say other than that. But it was fun. A little awkward for me, not knowing anyone but Jessica, Carl (who barely said hi- whated) and Cherie. But still it was fun.
And then the next day it was Jillian's baby shower. That was cute. With lots of light blue. She's having a boy, Hunter. He is due next month. And God knows he will be adorable. And he already has enough clothing to cover his body til he's 2 nad not have to repeat an outfit- of course that sonly if he never grew. Which he will do half of the adorable onesies people bought for him won't get worn. but oh well. It will still be cute to look at. I can't wait for there ot be a new baby around. I know I won't see him very much. But I love babies. And if I could I would offer up my babysitting services. I'll be a good mom when my time comes. Which with the way things are going will not be for a very, very long time. It's almost a shame, but so be it.
I tried to apologize to someone recently for the way I treated him. I was throughtless and heartless at the time. But he has since dissappeared. And by that I mean, gotten rid of his myspace and stopped signing in online. I have his cell phone number but I don't want to be weird about it. So I guess I will just wait until I get to talk to him in person or he comes back on line. I just really want to say sorry for running away. I didn't mean to. Well, actually thats a lie. I did mean to. But I was scared. He was coming on strong and I didn't know how else to react. It was one of my first times in that sort of situation and I didn't know what else to do. And now, ages later, I feel even more terrible about it than I did at the time. It wasn't anything big. But its been on my mind. And I've been thinking in "What If's". What if I had just said yes? What if I hadn't been afraid of someone who was actually interested in me? Things could have been so different. But I can't change the past. So, I have to take whats happened and what part I played in the decision making.
I'm just odd. Weird. Strange. Abnormal. You know the deal. Anyways, now that I've ranted on for nearly twenty years, I believe it is time for me to study Italian. I have a final tomorrow and it is going to be near impossible. But I will manage...somehow. I'm not quite sure how that is, but I will. And hopefully I will keep the "A-" (or something like that) I have in the class right now. It would be incredibly pleasant. Especially since that is what I am struggling the most with grade-wise I believe, other than Weather and Climate, which doesn't count since no one is doing well in that entire class except Nicole. Oh well.
I am currently watching a bad Lindsay Lohan movie Just My Luck. It is so cheesy and corny and hokey. But Its cute at the same time. Plus she has great clothes throughout it. Okay. Off to the nation of Italy. Studying and all of that sort of fun.
Oh and by the way, I was cast as Jack's Mother in Into the Woods. It's not exactly what I wanted, but it is better than I expected. And James was cast as Jack. Which is cool, that means I get to hang out with him some this summer. He is years younger than me but when we've talked we get along so it'll be fun. Plus we can make fun of Chelsea behind her back.
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