low self-esteem moments are the pits.

two touches of lips

with the door propped open we again delayed
the necessary farewell
for sleep's sake
and as the awkwardness grew
so did the obviousness of what was bound to happen
from the start.

the night ended with two touches of lips.

-kurt halsey.




Just something I liked and seemed right to me at this moment.

Happy thanksgiving, by the way!

i put on my brave face every time i see you and you're with her.
everybody tells me that you and me will never work.
i have come to terms with this somehow.
i'm okay but there's still a part of me that wants to hear you saying that you love me.
saying that you love me now.




washing the dishes was never so fun as it was last night.

I have no claim to him. None at all. Yet, I feel possessive all the same.
It's strange, I know. And it makes absolutely no sense.
Yet, when I know of an interaction with another girl that first thing I wonder is "How much prettier is she than me?" And its almost guaranteed that she is, but still. Why am I torturing myself over nothing? Something or better yet, someone that shouldn't even bother me.

I make absolutely no sense.

In other news...

It's been very interesting staying up here in New York.
I've been staying with Aly, which is always fun. I miss having her as a roommate in Philly. It's very educational to observe the workshopping process with the dialogue of Golden Age. One to be in the room with these amazing talented people but also just to observe the directors process and berth of knowledge and everything that is going on there. It really is quite incredible. And I'm learning.

Unfortunately I am running low on funds so entertainment and fun type things will have to be cut short. I just don't know that I can even afford food right now for the next 3 days in addition to my bus fare. This might be bad news bears for Caitlin...
We shall see.

i love sexually charged banter with people i wont see for a few months from now.
it makes me happy.

an email just made me cry.

I check my uarts email and i happened to get a reminder email form 30boxes, a calendar website i used 2 years ago to keep track of some things.

Today's email was:


Narendra says:
Brrrriiiiiiiing!

Bon jour Caitlin. I'm Narendra from 30 Boxes and this is your reminder:

Spanky's Birthday
begins November 11
Born in 1988


Maybe I should take that down. I can't celebrate his birthday this year. Except maybe by remembering him and how amazing he was and how much i miss him every single day and how i feel like a part of my heart is gone without him here still. And how its been just four months last week and it hurts. And i cry and i just miss him is all.

What were you doing-
1 minute ago: typing?
1 hour ago: reading
1 day ago: riding from jersey to philly. doing homework. watching the world series.
1 week ago: I can't even remember. i'm sure I was drowning in homework then too.
1 month ago: Panic attacks.
1 year ago: Talk Radio and 18 credits.
5 minutes ago: reading.
5 hours ago: The Holiday.
5 days ago: Train from Philly to Jersey.
5 weeks ago: Tech
5 months ago: Surflight.
5 years ago: Senior year of high school. I was so young and didn't even know it.

i hurt: my lungs and back. I hate being sick.
i love: easily.
i hate: my instincts.
i fear: death and loss.
i hope: eternally.
i feel alone: a fair amount of the time. But not necessarily in a bad way.
i break: sunglasses far too easily. But never hearts.
i listen: well, but I do not follow well.
i hide: under the covers.
i breathe: with a struggle.
i play: dress up.
i feel: sick. ew.
i miss: that feeling.
i know: far too much useless information.
i say: what feels right, though it is usually wrong.
i dream: in colors that have never been made.
i want: the world.
i fell: hard.
i wait: patiently.
i need: freedom, beauty, truth and love.

-last movie you saw: The Holiday.
-last movie you saw on the big screen: Post Grad (It was pretty terrible.)
-last phone numnber you called: Dad.
-last show you watched: So You Think You Can Dance
-last song you heard: How To Not Be With You- Josh Young
-last thing you had to drink: Water.
-last thing you ate: cereal.
-last time you showered: morning.
-last time you cried: Two weeks ago, at 4 in the morning, at my mothers house. Too many memories creep up on me
-last time you smiled: Walking home from class, talking to mom on the phone. "I'm not a failure at Art Education!"
-last time you laughed: I'm not positive but definitely this weekend. Saturday night and Sunday morning both.
-last person you kissed: Jones.
-last thing you said: 'night.
-last person you talked to online: Melendez.
-last person you talked to on the phone: Dad.
-last thing you smelled: Burning candle.

Do you...
-smoke? occasionally.
-drink? yes.
-sleep with stuffed animals? no.
-have a boy/girlfriend? hah, cute.
-have a dream that keeps coming back? no.
-play an instrument? i sure try to.
-believe there is life on other planets? yes, if not thats a big waste of space.
-read the newspaper? when I can. I usually read the news online.
-believe its possible to remain faithful forever? I hope.
-consider yourself tolerant of others? Yes, except when it comes to idiocy. I have a hard time tolerating that. It's something I'm working on.
-consider the police a friend or foe? In my neighborhood, friend.
-like the taste of alcohol? yes.
-have a favorite stooge? Seriously?
-believe in astrology? It's fun.
-believe in magic? Also fun.
-pray? Yes.
-go to church? Not as often as I should. I have a hard time with certain church related things.
-have any secrets? Doesn't everyone?
-have any pets? None. Though my roommate has a cat, Button.
-go to or plan to go to college? So close to graduating.
-talk to strangers who IM you? Sometimes.
-wear hats? Yes.
-have any peircings? Ears and nose.
-have any tatoos? Not yet, but maybe when i have money.
-wish on stars? All the time.
-like your handwriting? Not really.
-have any bad habits? Nail biter with a messy room.
-believe in Satan? I honestly don't know.
-believe in Santa? No.
-believe in the easter bunny? No.
-believe in the tooth fairy? No. Ruined by Shawn Parker when I was 9.
-have a second family? 'My friends can be my family'
-trust others easily? Too easily.
-like sarcasm? Psh, no... or yes.
-take walks in the rain? Yes.

Ever been kicked out of the mall? Close to, when I was young.
This or that? A bit of both.
Rain or snow? Both.
Silver or Gold? Silver or white gold.