watch the whole dance.
it is my favorite piece of choreography i've seen in a long time.
i remembe rloving it last summer and now seeing it agian i remember why.
mia is a genius. heidi and travis execute it beautifully.
and its perfect.

in exactly six months from today i will be twentyone and invincible.


and happy memorial day.


(i hope whatever we talk about actually happens. lets not allow plans to fall through again)

The Feel Good Revolution

Come by when you get off work
I'll be sitting around doing nothing
Let's wait until the sun goes down
Then we'll drive off deep into the night
Don't care where we're going
As long as I'm going with you

The summer swells in us
With the heat comes a new kind of wanting
Cool nights never cooled us off
Lay around wait for something to happen

But it's three lonely figures
A bedroom, a basement, she's scared
Which one is sleeping and which one is lying awake?
Yeah, which one is sleeping and which one is lying about it?

Afternoon drags on and on
Movie nights that never end
We can hang out all night long
Lay in bed and talk to a good friend
Because we only get older
And we'll probably forget what it's like

The university is quiet today
Didn't clean, we just talked in the bathroom
The girl always gets in the way
Ruined friendships, but others replace them
These opinions are poison
Been drinking them all of my life
Can never replace you
Could never forget what it's like

Step out on a moonlit roof
The radio leads a feel good revolution
Cigarettes and my closest friends
Tell myself that I have to remember this
Remember this
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember this
To remember this

So Arctic Express has yet to contact me.
I'm calling tomorrow night to see whats up.
I did call earlier today but the manager wasn't there.
I also applied at Things Remembered in the Burlington Center.
Hopefully I will be hired. I need a job.
Like immediately.
I can't spend all of my time at home.
And I can't keep taking my moms money.
I feel bad.

First music rehearsal tomorrow. Excitement and trepedation abound.
LBI trip was on Tuesday. It was freezing but we dealt with it.
Amy, Dimp and I. We had fun all the same.


I want to talk to you.
I don't know how to.
I feel bad. I know it was over a year ago... at least the first infraction was.
But I still feel bad.
And then there was whatever happened this past fall.
I'm still not sure what that was. But I'm sorry. I know that much.
Please talk to me.
Approach me.
Something me!

I wanted to IM you... but I'm scared.
How pathetic is that?
I'm scared to click and say "Hi"
I'm a sad little girl.
Very sad.

Although it's something you have never thought about Mr Maraczek, Try Me!

Hire me.
Give me a job.


I handed in my application to Arctic Express.
Hopefully they will call me back and say "Why of course we wil hire you! You would be a wonderful addition to our workforce!"
That would be incredible.


Otherwise. I am screwed.

it seems longer, it seems like forever

I do realize that this post card is from Michigan. But in my mind I want to think that someone wrote it for me. I want to believe that there is someone in the world who sees me as colorful, complex, and having a beauty thats all my own. I know its wishful thinking but it would be lovely if it were so. At least I think so. Lovely.



Dimple kidnapped me for the past twenty four hours (and then some). I became the non-Filipino member of the Cavan clan. It was a lovely day. Starting with sing-a-long last night, big talky gossip session, The Little Mermaid to sleep, even chruch this morning. And thne off to Atlantic city for shopping and wandering (fun), and then to Vietnamese food in Philly, then Chad's then finally home. A grand old time. I miss hanging out with Dimp and now we all only get a little bit of time with her before shes gotta move back to Boston for some interning fun. Tres sad.


So I know I'm not always okay with it, but I normally can deal with being the single one. The slightly awkward, snarky, chubby, single friend. Its been my life story. But I'm not okay with that. Maybe I have been before, or at least I've lied and said I was okay with it. But I don't know that I can be okay with it anymore. I don't want to just date someone for the sake of dating them, but I want to date. I want a boy. I want a boy to like me. I want a boy to like. I want some sort of mutual attraction. I want someone. I want something more than I have. I am so jealous of those people who are perpetually in relationships. I mean maybe they aren't always that meaningful, hence the continually falling in and out. But still. They have that connection. They get to experience something with someone else. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. Which might not be true cause its not like I don't do anything, but theres just.... There's a lot missing. And I want a connection. I want a feeling. I want something.
I feel devoid.



Also in looking back on high school today with Dimp... it is amazing. I have these moments where it feels like I still am in high school, an awkward freshman carrying around too many books. And then theres times like today. Where its becomes really obvious that it has been two years since I've seen many of those people, or even thought of them. I struggled to remember names. I found it hard to picture certain peoples faces. Its odd. I know its hit me in the past but tonight I really realized that high school is over. College is halfway done (for most, not me but thats another story). Life is rushing forward and I don't know what is going on. Its scary and exhilarating all at once.

Beautiful Disaster

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.

101 - in the shade?

school is done.
i am still unemployed- at least for now.
it seems like no one is home yet, even though i know they are. we're all just having difficulties seeing each other. but that will be remedied.

i got all of my final grade. i made deans list and i didn't even do too horribly in weather and climate somehow. thank god.

on the last day of classes i had my final for allen's class. and when i handed in my final he talked to me, only for a minute or two, but it was so encouraging and nice. i will miss him next year. i wish he would follow me and start working at uarts like he was supposed to a few years ago. but he told me (in so many words) to stick with writing because from my paper he could tell i was good at it. and to not give up on performing because even though i might have a hard time getting cast with my type i won't alway and eventually i will succeed and i could really breakthrough into that world. it was just nice. no one's ever given me that kind of speech. and coming from him it meant a lot to me because he knows what he is talking about. he's an "industry professional" or whatever you'd like to say. but he does know what he's talking about. and the fact that he has faith in me.... its nice. very. and it makes me believe in myself some more. maybe i won't get the parts i want now... but eventually. in the future.
he said i was really talented. and that i have a great voice.
i know a ton of people have said it to me before... but sometimes you need to hear it from someone who doesn't feel obligated to say it because of family ties or friendship. he didn't need to give me that speech- it could've been a goodbye, goodluck thing. but instead he said all that.... it was really, very nice.

"She loves the smell of old books."

Its been awhile, I know. At first I could have blamed it on the almost three weeks I was without a computer because of repair issues. But then it got to a point where I was either lazy or busy... or both. But jsut because I haven't written here doesn't mean I haven't been writing. Because I have, just of my own volition. I've figured that if I plan on being a student of writing in any way I should really stick with it and try to finish some projects, because normally I get too distracted to finish. And I still haven't finished anything- but I've certainly started some and I have even more ideas coming. Which is great.I just had a test, it lasted one minute. Twenty-five multiple choice questions. Amazing. The last "core" class I will ever need to take. I made it up to "Core 3: Cross-Cultural Perspectives" It's what we call a party, or "lets watch a movie today" since that is all we did the entire time. But it wasn't too bad. I did read an incredible book about motherhood in Africa in the 1930s, as things were changing from tribal societies to those influenced by Western Culture. "The Joys of Motherhood" Very good, interesting style too.
This is my last week of classes. Actually its finals week. My last week at FDU. It still hasn't set in that I won't be here next semester. I know when I think about it that I won't be here, but it hasn't set in that I will not be having classes in NAB or the Mansion or be performing on the Dreyfuss stage next year. I won't be seeing these people who have been a huge part of my life this past year or two. Its certainly scary. I don't know when its goning to hit me, but I have a feeling that when it does it will not be pretty. There will probably be tears. Heavy ones, as that is the only way I react to things as of late.I really have become quite the crier. Which is funny, at least to me, because in the past I would not cry. I spent a whole 8 months of my junior year not crying only to have it all come out one night while reading "The Truth About Forever" by Sarah Dessen. Since then I've let the tears come as they may, but lately it has just been over the top. Far more than I would expect, and we're talking about me! I should be able to predict in some way the amount of crying I'll do, shouldn't I?
I am so strange. But I guess thats just how I am. I started to pack my things away today. I only have enough clothing out to last me the week. A skirt a day, plus an extra skirt for today because Chorus needs to sing for a dedication or naming ceremony, or something like that, at the mansion later. It should be pretty, singing in French "Rose Lis Printemps" (or however it is spelled). That's a last minute change considering last week we were supposed to be singing "Lift Every Voice" and the "FDU Alma Mater". But that it perfectly acceptable because our alma mater is horrible. If it could have been re-writtten I think everyone would have preferred it, but whatever. It doesn't even matter now.
I went back to my high school. Holy Cross. My home of four years. Felicia went too. She's beenb back plenty of times. This was only my fourth. But then again. I don't have brothers on the backetball and wrestling teams like she does. But we went to see Big River. It was a well done production for the most part. Its sad because as I've become more educated about theater some of its been ruined for me. As in the past I would have gone, watched the show and come out saying "Wow, that was great!" like a large portion of the audience, all I could do was focus on the bad acting filled with movement around the stage that had nothing to do with the characters objective, tons of indication, and at some points an actor going dead while the other is performing. In the past I might have noticed the movement part, but thats it. Now all of this jumps out at me. But so be it. That is what comes with education.
Also went to UArts and saw Back2Back2Back, a collection of three one act plays. It was cute. Fun. I personally liked the middle section, titled Back2Back (the entire collection getting its name from this), but according to Jessica that one was the least popular. It had the most complicated music, and a story about neurotic New Yorkers struggling to make a connection with each other as they go in and out of their appointments with their shrink (who the two of them see back to back- get it?!) But I really enjoyed it. Also earlier in the day there was Alex's communion party and a bar-b-q ar Gene's house. Technically speaking it was a cast part for the UArts cast of You Can't Take It With You, but his wife suggested he invite the London people, thus I was there. I got to meet a lot of people who I'll be with next semester, including the boy Jessica and I will be living with, John. He is adorable. I don't even know what else to say other than that. But it was fun. A little awkward for me, not knowing anyone but Jessica, Carl (who barely said hi- whated) and Cherie. But still it was fun.
And then the next day it was Jillian's baby shower. That was cute. With lots of light blue. She's having a boy, Hunter. He is due next month. And God knows he will be adorable. And he already has enough clothing to cover his body til he's 2 nad not have to repeat an outfit- of course that sonly if he never grew. Which he will do half of the adorable onesies people bought for him won't get worn. but oh well. It will still be cute to look at. I can't wait for there ot be a new baby around. I know I won't see him very much. But I love babies. And if I could I would offer up my babysitting services. I'll be a good mom when my time comes. Which with the way things are going will not be for a very, very long time. It's almost a shame, but so be it.
I tried to apologize to someone recently for the way I treated him. I was throughtless and heartless at the time. But he has since dissappeared. And by that I mean, gotten rid of his myspace and stopped signing in online. I have his cell phone number but I don't want to be weird about it. So I guess I will just wait until I get to talk to him in person or he comes back on line. I just really want to say sorry for running away. I didn't mean to. Well, actually thats a lie. I did mean to. But I was scared. He was coming on strong and I didn't know how else to react. It was one of my first times in that sort of situation and I didn't know what else to do. And now, ages later, I feel even more terrible about it than I did at the time. It wasn't anything big. But its been on my mind. And I've been thinking in "What If's". What if I had just said yes? What if I hadn't been afraid of someone who was actually interested in me? Things could have been so different. But I can't change the past. So, I have to take whats happened and what part I played in the decision making.
I'm just odd. Weird. Strange. Abnormal. You know the deal. Anyways, now that I've ranted on for nearly twenty years, I believe it is time for me to study Italian. I have a final tomorrow and it is going to be near impossible. But I will manage...somehow. I'm not quite sure how that is, but I will. And hopefully I will keep the "A-" (or something like that) I have in the class right now. It would be incredibly pleasant. Especially since that is what I am struggling the most with grade-wise I believe, other than Weather and Climate, which doesn't count since no one is doing well in that entire class except Nicole. Oh well.
I am currently watching a bad Lindsay Lohan movie Just My Luck. It is so cheesy and corny and hokey. But Its cute at the same time. Plus she has great clothes throughout it. Okay. Off to the nation of Italy. Studying and all of that sort of fun.
Oh and by the way, I was cast as Jack's Mother in Into the Woods. It's not exactly what I wanted, but it is better than I expected. And James was cast as Jack. Which is cool, that means I get to hang out with him some this summer. He is years younger than me but when we've talked we get along so it'll be fun. Plus we can make fun of Chelsea behind her back.