this got ranty

January 14. It is a Sunday, it's today. I have a week- one week, actually six days, to firm up my songs, get my Italian pronunciation spot on, work on site reading, and just to be ready. I need this to work. I dont just want this to go well and work out - I need it. I'm suffocating in North Jersey. Its like I'm not growing there at all. I life all experiences are supposed to force you to grow and change as a person. But rather than growing I feel like I'm shrinking, faltering... failing. There's nothing of interest happening, or so it feels. I'm floundering there. And I want to and need to grow and flourish. I feel like a change of this size could do so much for me. I've tried positive thinking and action but it hasn't worked. I've tried making the best of a bad situation but this "best" just isn't good enough. I need, want and deserve better. I try so hard and I feel like I get nothing. I need for this to be a fruitful attempt, I need to finally succeed. I'm scared that if this doesn't work out I'll completely dissapear. I will curl up into a ball- into myself. I won't try anymroe cause I can't take anymroe failure. It feels like everything I do I never get a positive result. I've jsut gotten to be so good at being passable. Not good, but not painfully bad. Just...whatever. And I don't know that I can do that anymore. I want to be recognized for being good at something. And I feel like singing is the only this I cna do well enough. Its the only thing I would be completely happy and confident with doing for the rest of my life. If I get into this program they'll give me the requisite training to be a real singer for my life and career. They can see the talent and potential people have. And if they don't see that in me I don't know what I'll do. I might lose what little faith I have in myself andgive up completely. That would be the point where I become a political science major- Completely.
This is ranty and all over the place but its true. I need this. I want this. I want this more than I wanted to go to Baldwin Wallace- the first college to break my heart into very small pieces.
I need to change schools, states, majors. I need to be a music major at UArts. I need to not fail completely. I need to be successful in one venture-finally. Because at this point in my life, twenty years in, it feels like I really haven't.

I want the triangle with four pillars.