PS: Its snowing!

Carpe Diem.

Seize the Day.
I never do.
I wish I would become more accustomed to seizing the moment but I seem to have this tendency to let things just pass by me. How am I going to live my life when I keep allowing it to escape me. I need to change the way I live. I need to grasp the moment. I need to start living like a real person. Not like some scared little girl. I'm not a little girl. I am twenty years old. But in my experiences I am a mere child. I have barely done anything in my life. I'm not nearly adventurous enough.
I want to change that. Maybe next time an opportunity like that presents itself I won't back up. I'll do what I want to do rather than what I think I should do... Maybe.

Anyways. The audtions.

UArts actually went fairly well I believe. I felt kind of good about it. My sight reading was pathetic but I did try really hard. I feel pretty good about my singing. Only time will give me an answer... hopefully the right answer. You know what the right answer is. I want to be in Philadelphia. I need to. I'm even looking at other schools there in case it doesn't work out. But I am hoping it does. It would be quite nice. It would be more then quite nice. It would be amazing and wonderful and everything I want. But I can't put all my eggs in that basket. I have to have other options and ideas...

This past week there were auditions for the shows being put up this semester. I only auditioned for Carousel, not Dead Man Walking (I just didnt think I was appropriate for anything there). But I went in and sang my songs like I've been preparing them for ages- which I have. And I think it worked out pretty well. It was good enough that I had a callback. I was made to sing again. They had me sing for Nettie "You'll Never Walk Alone" which I did not really know. But I made it work. Allen said he knew I could do it and wanted to make sure I had that high G toward the end. Which I did, it was a little weak but I was sick so I did what I could and he understood. But they didn't make anyone else sing for her at all. And they had no one at all read for her. So maybe... I dunno. It would be nice. And it would definitly fix this whole confidence issue I have going on for the past year.

Last night Danielle and I went down to my end of Jersey- South Jersey. We went to Rowan to see Nikki and party some. It was fun. It was certainly an adventure. I took Danielle to a Wawa. And not just any Wawa- but the Wawa right off 541 in Mt. Holly. We had been on the turnpike and it just seemed like the thing to do! But it was an interesting night. Most of it spent in the bathroom with Nikki making sure she didn't die. But it was worth it to get to hang out with her and Dani. I miss them both. I don't see either of them nearly enough. I wish there was some way we could hang out that didn't require a two hour drive on either end. Because, oh yeah, the drive to Rowan was two hours long. But it was worth it.

And it was last night that makes me wish I took advantage of situations that presented themselves to me. And also that I would learn to keep my mouth shut and not give people attitude when they start saying things to me. I just had to bring out the whole "You don't even know me. Who are you to question my actions?" type response, when it wasn't even necessary. Oh well. Maybe It'll be forgotten.

Today was spent doing homework- after sleeping many hours since we got home at about 7 this morning. I've checked my email about four billion times. Hoping that maybe... just maybe they would email the casting. They didn't.

Oh well.. wait till tomorrow then.


And note to self- keep on trying. Don't give up. And also - Carpe Diem.

Just do it.

well i had a lesson today to go over my music with someone who know what hes doing.

he's was honest.

he doubts i'll make it in.


i don't have enough training to get training- does that make any sense?
he thinks all they'll hear is a pretty voice but raw, and not recognize the potential within it or within me. they'll just hear it go "aww how pretty. next"

and then he told me my songs were too musical theater.
he gave me an english whatever song.
its difficult.
and i need to learn it by saturday and learn it well and not suck at it.
and its going to kill me.
and i know he was jsut being honest and preparing me for this to not work out but it hurts all the same. and it seems so cruel to crush someone like that- but he probably thought he was doing me good but still...


i just want this so bad and to hear that i don't have the right training to get in to this school it kills me.

all i want to do is sing.
thats it. for the rest of my life even.
and he's telling me that even though i sound pretty its not enough. i'm not enough.

it hurts and i just don't know what i'll do.i'm going to end up stuck in north jersey for the rest of my life.
killing myself with questions about my acting ability- or just dropping the acting and staying at fdu as a polisci major and killing myself with boredom and an "okay" program.

this is my future pretty much.

he said "give it your best shot"

he still didn't think that with my best shot i could even do it.
he really just thought i was a random girl who could mostly sing, woke up one dya and sai d"i want to be a music major."
well that snot it. i want to sing more than anything ever. its the only thing i love.
and right now i don't even love it. i just want to curl in a ball and cry- instead i'm sitting here crying but whatever.
i know the truth hurts but still... this is ridiculous.

this got ranty

January 14. It is a Sunday, it's today. I have a week- one week, actually six days, to firm up my songs, get my Italian pronunciation spot on, work on site reading, and just to be ready. I need this to work. I dont just want this to go well and work out - I need it. I'm suffocating in North Jersey. Its like I'm not growing there at all. I life all experiences are supposed to force you to grow and change as a person. But rather than growing I feel like I'm shrinking, faltering... failing. There's nothing of interest happening, or so it feels. I'm floundering there. And I want to and need to grow and flourish. I feel like a change of this size could do so much for me. I've tried positive thinking and action but it hasn't worked. I've tried making the best of a bad situation but this "best" just isn't good enough. I need, want and deserve better. I try so hard and I feel like I get nothing. I need for this to be a fruitful attempt, I need to finally succeed. I'm scared that if this doesn't work out I'll completely dissapear. I will curl up into a ball- into myself. I won't try anymroe cause I can't take anymroe failure. It feels like everything I do I never get a positive result. I've jsut gotten to be so good at being passable. Not good, but not painfully bad. Just...whatever. And I don't know that I can do that anymore. I want to be recognized for being good at something. And I feel like singing is the only this I cna do well enough. Its the only thing I would be completely happy and confident with doing for the rest of my life. If I get into this program they'll give me the requisite training to be a real singer for my life and career. They can see the talent and potential people have. And if they don't see that in me I don't know what I'll do. I might lose what little faith I have in myself andgive up completely. That would be the point where I become a political science major- Completely.
This is ranty and all over the place but its true. I need this. I want this. I want this more than I wanted to go to Baldwin Wallace- the first college to break my heart into very small pieces.
I need to change schools, states, majors. I need to be a music major at UArts. I need to not fail completely. I need to be successful in one venture-finally. Because at this point in my life, twenty years in, it feels like I really haven't.

I want the triangle with four pillars.

I don't know what it is that I'm doing here. Why am I even thinking about this.
And this person. Its just... insane and not right... like just- no.

I'm an idiot. Please, just ignore this.



Top Chef is the shit.
Nikki should IM Ronnie.
I'm jealous of Bernie and his seeing Company.
I want it to snow very badly and I want some popcorn right now.

And thats about it.

PS: I'm really scare dof what this new year will bring me. I don't know if 2007 will be better than 2006, but I hope so. Theres was so much bad in '06. I need '07 to be better. And hopefully since 7 is one of my favorite numbers it will be.
<3

its been ages...

I haven't written in a month. I'm sorry-I've been busy! But in all seriousness with the end of the semester followed by Christmas and then going to England then the past few days I've just had no time. So end of the semester- finals killed me a little bit but I managed. I have about a 3.6 GPA right now and thats with one grade missing cause it STILL hasn't been submitted. But thats okay cause I don't think its one that'll hurt me no matter what I get, cause I really don't think my grade can be that bad. Anyways... Christmas was busy- tumultuous. But we managed. The house was nice and clean and everyone seemed to have a good time, while in the back of my head I kept screaming I'M GOING TO ENGLAND TOMORROW! But it was still fun.

The next day Jess, Mom and I went to the bank and CVS really early thinking we would get all of that done before the Boyle's showed up at our house. Of course When we're still supposed to have an hour before they come I get a text from Tim saying "It's funny cause we're at your house and you're not. " They got the times mixed up and showed up at 10 instead of 11. So we ran back to the house and had a nice time. I love Sarah. She is my happiness, for real. She's just adorable and so lovable and cute. I want to keep her! (Except not really) But anyways that went on and we had brunch and family time and fun and then eventually they all left and me and jessica packed in a hurry because of course we were not. But we managed. Then we went to the airport.

I've never been on a plane for longer than a flight to Florida. So flying to London was kind of long compared to that. But I managed. British Airways was really nice. But yeah we got to London and it was about 7 in the morning. So we left and drove from Heathrow into town and get a little bus tour from Diane, the tour guide. We stopped at Saint Pauls Cathedral and Westminster and Buckingham Palace. Walked a bit and then around 12:30 we got to our hotel. We all moved our stuff in and then the girls went to a little pub for lunch. That night we had a little welcome thing that involved wine and cheese and then a planned dinner that was pretty nice. All of us "kids" went out that night to a little piano bar where this little band was playing. It was cute and fun and drinking was legal.

I can barely keep track of all the things we did really so instead of doing what I just did I'm going to do a much shorter version.

Theatre Museum- We were one of the last tour groups to go through since it closes to the public this week. We got a workshop on make up and one on costumes. They were fun. The museum itself was amazing. So much theater history was inside of it. I was in awe. Especially since we were right in covent garden- hello, eliza doolittle.

Dancing in the Streets- oh dear jesus, that show should be shot. It was a MoTown revue exceptO the first half was so boring- I fell asleep. The second act wasn't bad but there were all sorts of fake American accents that killed.

Coram Boy- Oh My God. Quite possibly the most amazing show I've ever seen. The quality of performance coupled with the scale of the production was incredible. Everyone was so in it and at the end of the show when you would expect the cast to be drained from going through all this heavy stuff on stage they were skipping off, because they put everytihng into their performance- they had nothing left of that heaviness in themselves. It was truely incredible. Plus it was at the Olivier, of the Nation Theatre which is so beautiful. I want to be a tour guide there now cause I think it would be amazing just to be that.

Maxines- a little restaurant we went to one night. It was like an American styled place, but not at all. We had the cutest waiter. He was from New Zealand (sp?) and adorable. I had a "Wou Wou" for the first time and it might be one of my new favorite drinks. It was quite good.

Don Juan in SoHo- This play at the Donmar Warehouse took Molier's Don Juan and moved it to SoHo in London in the present. It was great! Not everyone enjoyed the way Patrick Marber changed the show but I guess since I'm only vaguely familiar with the original I couldn't take issue with the adaptation. I thought it was funny and light but still had a somewhat heavy message about the way people live thier lives. All in all I enjoyed it.

The National Theatre- Oh Dear Jesus. It was incredible. SO huge. All three theaters in one building. Plus all the workshops and practice rooms. I think its what Lincoln Center wants to be, but all in one building. I loved it. And then later that day...

The Globe- Oh Shakespeare! We got to sit in the theater and look around and wander the museum and it was wonderful. I don't even know what to say cause I was kind of in awe. Just thinking of what happened in the original Globe and the history and the productions that are now on the stage. Eek! So amazing.

The Club- OhMyGod. It was so much fun to go out to the club one night. It was on the 30th. We saw a show that night, went to dinner and then afterward were looking for this one club (WalkAround I think it was called) but this girl stopped us on the street and said she was promoting a club. Normally it was a ten quid cover charge but she could get the girls in for free and the guys for only 5. So of course we went there. It was so much fun. Just dancing and drinking and dancing with random people I didn't know. I'm kinda sad I didn't give this one guy my email address like he was asking for (I was kinda too drunk to remember it) And its not like I could give him my cell number since its American and he was from the South of London. He tried to get me to go to another club in Covent Garden with him that was open til 6 am since the one we were at closed at 3 but I couldn't. I was too far gone and I knew that Jess wouldn't let me. And plus there were things to do the next day and if I drank anymore who knows what I might've done. Anyways...

Blood Brothers- I know Jessica loves this show. And I love the story line. But the production values and the music quality was just so 80s-tastic. Like... I dont even know what to say. I'd almost prefere they take down the production that been running for 20 years now and update the music so its not so synthesized, cause it was painfully synth. But oh well, what I say doesn't really matter.

New Years Eve- During the day I was so hung over. I could not keep anything down, not even water. That was my punishment for kicking back the margaritas and Long Island Iceteas like there was no tomorrow at the club. But oh well. After everyone got stuff to eat, which meant I sat there watching them eat while I tried to dinrk water that I couldn't even keep down, we went wandering. One of the guys, Chaz, needed to get shoes so the boys went in search of those while us girls went for a little bit of shopping. I found what might be my favorite store ever- and I can't remember the name. But it was like a melding of BoHo and Mod style into one. I loved it and the clothes fit me! I tried stuff on and played and whatnot, but Jess wouldn't let me buy anything- oh well.

Grims Dyke's New Years Feast- So much fun! It was a 7 (i think) course meal and between each course there were singers doing first Gilbert and Sullivan songs and later opera pieces. It was just really cool and we were all dressed up cause it was formal- like Black Tie. Everyone looked so pretty. And we managed to make friends with the owner, who was this little Indian man. So we got to go to a little party after midnight in the one bar room. Free champagne! And lots of sing-a-longs. It was fun.

Stratford-Upon-Avon - Oh dear. Shakespeare all over the place. My love of the bard was welcomed here. We saw Pericles and Merry Wives: The Musical. Pericles was incredible- Merry Wives... not so much. But because of her starring role in Merry Wives we were able to meet Dame Judi Dench. Hells yeah. It was a merry old time... (hehe.. merry.) But we got to go to Shakespeare's birthplace and Anne Hathaway's cottage, where the bench that Anne and William would sit on together while "courting". It was cute. But yeah everything was pretty cool.

The Royal Shakespeare Theatre- Oh dear God. We took a tour and not only did we get to walk around both the theaters, but we were able to stand on the stage and the set of Merry Wives:The Musical. It was amazing. Just an experience that cannot be repeated. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I stood on a stage where some of the greatest actors in the world have worked. Its just so big that I can't comprehend that yet...

But then it was time to go home. And the flight home took forever... Near 8 hours I think. But it wasn't too bad.

And since then I've just been living. I went to get coffee last night with Leen. Breakfast this morning with Dimple. And all day Saturday I was with Amy and Beth. We went to Philly to laugh at Erin while she was in the Mummers Parade. And it was certainly an experience. It involved wandering around the city (but not getting lost! yay!) and then going back to Beth apartment to find that Amy's car had been towed. And thne driving allt he way to Norristown (and getting lost on the way there) and then jsut having all sorts of issues. And it really was just an unending day. Amy and i were together from 8 am to 8 pm. 12 hours together. But it was fun and now we have a story to tell.

And now I'm here. Theres a few people I haven't seen yet and I would like to so hopefully that works out.

My UArts audition to be a Music Major- Vocal Perf. comes up soon. And of course I'm sick right now. I have 12 days till my audition and I currently have no upper register. Like no sound comes out at all. It makes me sad, but whatever. I hope this works out. I really want it to. I really want this. Hopefully I can get in a few voice lessons in the next few days so I can tighten things up before its my time to go. Gene said he would give Jess some numbers of voice teachers from either the Musical Theater program or even the Music program. My mom thinks that his willingness to help might mean that he has faith in me and my abilities. That I might have a real chance of doing well... but who knows. He has heard me sing on new Years when we were all singing I sang My Funny Valentine by myself in front of everyone (the one G&S/Opera lady told me it was "lovely") and its not like he said anything to discourage me from auditioning so maybe...

I need this to work out.