I finally got to see Dimple. Its been ages. I've missed hanging out with her. We've been lacking in it all summer which is sad. But I slept over and today we did lunch/ borders and it was nice. She tried to tell me to give my number to the boy behind the counter in the coffee store at borders. I kind of wanted to. He was my style and he was funny. We joked for a heartbeat. But I couldn't do it. I have such a fear of rejection that I won't even let myself get near it. I refuse to allow myself to be hurt so I won't even open the door to oportunity. Its a really poor choise on my part since anything could happen. I always assume that whatever can go wrong will in my life- especially relationships. I can't stand to think that maybe just this once something will go right and work out in my favor. I prefer to assume that nothing will work and I can stay in my own little corner being the single bitch. But in truth thats not enough for me . I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want a boy. I want a boy to like me and for me to like him back and for him to not be afraid to say it and for me to not be afraid to risk it. Maybe I'm just too picky. Maybe I should stop having such high standards- maybe I can't afford to have high standards. Take what I can get and be thankful for it. But I hate to think that I'm going to be forced to settle.
Its strange. I'm not yet twenty. But I feel like I need to be thinking sbout things in terms of forever and the rest of my life. In terms fo career I have no idea where I'm going. Theater and music are not the most dependable of career choices- neither is politics. I'm pretty much shooting myself in the foot for a job. I might as well damn myself to being a cracker barrel cashier for the rest of my life. But in the case of relationships... like every girl I have my perfect wedding in my head. I know my kids names. I know what I want in a man. But I dont think the kind of man I want to be with will want me back. I really do feel like I'm setting my sights to high and ultimately I will be let down. I want to settle down now. I want a life with someone before I start my career. Not to say that I'm out searching for someone who I will spend the rest of my life with right now at this very moment. But if I were to find someone and they were what I was looking for and I worked for them too... I wouldn't be adverse to stopping with the search.
This probably makes no sense. I have a habit of just writing whatever thought is in my head even if they don't all string together very well. But its true I don't want to be forced to settling for something less then I want- but I do want to settle down. Again, I'm rambling. is time to do... something else. Farewell...
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
"i miss the way summertime used to feel"
i think i know why this summer dissapointed me so much. it was the official change. my friends and i have drifted ... not completely but enough that we dont need to se eeach other all the time. we've gotten used to going months without face to face contact os its really not necessary for us to feel close anymore. all we need is a quick stop by the facebook or myspace and we're good for the time being. it makes me sad. i miss us and the way we used to crave hang out time. a trip to the diner was always welcome. this usmmer started that way but it seems that as time has gone on things have changed. we had our fill.. now we're getting back to that distant place where we dont need each other as much so when we go back to school we won't go into shock- not seeing our friends anymore. but maybe this is just me because i've been trapped in the shell that is aida this summer. it wrapped me up and held me tight through a week ago. then i was away for a week. now i'm back in burlington and people ar eleaving for school already. i missed out...
but honestly i was on my addiction (postsecret- one of my addictions) and i saw a card. it said "i miss the way summertime used to feel." i want to write one to this person with only two words on it.
"me too." because i miss everything about summers in the past. this summer i've been lacking in friend time and its sorely missed. even though i had a job with more flexible hours and easier schedule i still feel like it took over my life- at least for the first half of the season. i just miss the way things were in the summers between junior year and senior year and college. its not that things were simple- because life never is. but everything just felt easier. and not that i'm lazy but right now every thing just seems like such a challenge. like not only do i have to try so hard to see my friends from home theres also the friends from school to try and see. i have failed miserably at both, opting instead to spend majority of my time this summer with a group of people who are so strange- but i love anyway, as you must love theater people. but still... as much as i needed to expierence what i did this usmmer- i would trade it to spend more time with my friends in a heartbeat. i miss us.
but honestly i was on my addiction (postsecret- one of my addictions) and i saw a card. it said "i miss the way summertime used to feel." i want to write one to this person with only two words on it.
"me too." because i miss everything about summers in the past. this summer i've been lacking in friend time and its sorely missed. even though i had a job with more flexible hours and easier schedule i still feel like it took over my life- at least for the first half of the season. i just miss the way things were in the summers between junior year and senior year and college. its not that things were simple- because life never is. but everything just felt easier. and not that i'm lazy but right now every thing just seems like such a challenge. like not only do i have to try so hard to see my friends from home theres also the friends from school to try and see. i have failed miserably at both, opting instead to spend majority of my time this summer with a group of people who are so strange- but i love anyway, as you must love theater people. but still... as much as i needed to expierence what i did this usmmer- i would trade it to spend more time with my friends in a heartbeat. i miss us.
Monday, August 14, 2006
I'm a mess. I'm a wreck.
I've been meaning to get one of these for ages. I never got around to it- until now.
I return to Fairleigh Dickinson in two weeks time. Not much. It feel like this summer vacation was nothing. I haven't seen my friends as much as I'd like. Some not at all. I haven't made nearly enough money. Everything just feels somewhat off. But I guess thats what will happen when you're gone for months at a time, spending them with people that your friends from home don't know or understand. But maybe thats just me.
In the past month I've been thinking a lot. More so than normal, and since I'm an overly analytical person alreayd that says much. But I've just been thinking about everything thats gone on and happened to me since I turned 19.
November 28, 2005. It was not a good day. I only had 2 classes that day, the morning class was history, nto too bad, the afternoon Voice for the Actor. A class I liked. Voice hadn't been the same since Nikki left FDU but I was getting used to it after a few weeks. I still had Danielle to keep me sane. But that day she wasn't there. I remember her having gotten into a car accident that day- minor but still interupting daily life. So class was just class. I went to dinner with Steph. We had wanted to do sometihng- I wanted to go to the city.But she had a paper to write for Dong-Shin. So I said I'd go to my room, do my work and when she finished we'd find a party to go to or people to hang out with.
She never called. It turned out the paper took more time then anticipated. So much so that it took over my birthday. Leaving me in my room with my roommates not knowing what to do to cure my melancholy. I didn't let them. I didn't let anyone know how dissapointed I was or depressed I was over the fact that my first birthday away from home, in college and without my family to celebrate with was horribly. Not only substandard but just an echo of how alone I felt. No one was there for me... or at least thats how it felt. I cried after everyone from the suite was in bed. I creid not only for myself and for what was going on at that time, but just for what I feared my year would be like. I cried for fear that if I didn't then I would end up spending the rest of my 19th year wishing I could cry but not pulling through.
My fears seems to have come through. I've realized that I havne't just spent my 19th year wishing I could cry, but actually crying thus far. Nothing has exactly gone my way and it feels as though nothing will. In everything I've tried this year I haven't succeeded. I haven't failed- at least not in all cases- but I definitly have not come out the winner.
In my employment- I did not get hired by Show Place. I was "let go" by Grassroots. I work part-time as a cashier at Cracker Barrel.
In the theater- I was one of three female "ensemble" cast in Cabaret. I did not even get a call back for Seussical/ Scarlet Pimpernel / CATS. I was asked that if anyone was to quit would I be willing to come in as a possible replacement for Music Man. I was an "understudy/ensemble" in Aida. I fear for what will happen this fall- I want to be in Indians so badly.
I feel as though my friends are distant- not by choice but by situation.
Its as though the things that matter to me are slowly falling away and apart. Leaving me here as a complete mess... or as close to a mess as I'll allow myself to be. I don't want the rest of 19 to be like this. I need to change my stars and my fate and my attitude and everything. But how?
I return to Fairleigh Dickinson in two weeks time. Not much. It feel like this summer vacation was nothing. I haven't seen my friends as much as I'd like. Some not at all. I haven't made nearly enough money. Everything just feels somewhat off. But I guess thats what will happen when you're gone for months at a time, spending them with people that your friends from home don't know or understand. But maybe thats just me.
In the past month I've been thinking a lot. More so than normal, and since I'm an overly analytical person alreayd that says much. But I've just been thinking about everything thats gone on and happened to me since I turned 19.
November 28, 2005. It was not a good day. I only had 2 classes that day, the morning class was history, nto too bad, the afternoon Voice for the Actor. A class I liked. Voice hadn't been the same since Nikki left FDU but I was getting used to it after a few weeks. I still had Danielle to keep me sane. But that day she wasn't there. I remember her having gotten into a car accident that day- minor but still interupting daily life. So class was just class. I went to dinner with Steph. We had wanted to do sometihng- I wanted to go to the city.But she had a paper to write for Dong-Shin. So I said I'd go to my room, do my work and when she finished we'd find a party to go to or people to hang out with.
She never called. It turned out the paper took more time then anticipated. So much so that it took over my birthday. Leaving me in my room with my roommates not knowing what to do to cure my melancholy. I didn't let them. I didn't let anyone know how dissapointed I was or depressed I was over the fact that my first birthday away from home, in college and without my family to celebrate with was horribly. Not only substandard but just an echo of how alone I felt. No one was there for me... or at least thats how it felt. I cried after everyone from the suite was in bed. I creid not only for myself and for what was going on at that time, but just for what I feared my year would be like. I cried for fear that if I didn't then I would end up spending the rest of my 19th year wishing I could cry but not pulling through.
My fears seems to have come through. I've realized that I havne't just spent my 19th year wishing I could cry, but actually crying thus far. Nothing has exactly gone my way and it feels as though nothing will. In everything I've tried this year I haven't succeeded. I haven't failed- at least not in all cases- but I definitly have not come out the winner.
In my employment- I did not get hired by Show Place. I was "let go" by Grassroots. I work part-time as a cashier at Cracker Barrel.
In the theater- I was one of three female "ensemble" cast in Cabaret. I did not even get a call back for Seussical/ Scarlet Pimpernel / CATS. I was asked that if anyone was to quit would I be willing to come in as a possible replacement for Music Man. I was an "understudy/ensemble" in Aida. I fear for what will happen this fall- I want to be in Indians so badly.
I feel as though my friends are distant- not by choice but by situation.
Its as though the things that matter to me are slowly falling away and apart. Leaving me here as a complete mess... or as close to a mess as I'll allow myself to be. I don't want the rest of 19 to be like this. I need to change my stars and my fate and my attitude and everything. But how?
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