Do you remember when things were so much easier? Do you remember when life wasn't so complicated? Do you remember when everything didn't need to be analyzed within an inch of its life?

Me neither.

I cried today. Quietly. No one noticed, or at least they didn't say anything to me. Maybe I'm just that easily ignored. At the end of our final dress rehearsal the cast sat and got notes as usual and then Rob was talking. He started to talk about wanting us to realize that this is the only time we will be able to do this show. in this theater. with this cast and group of people. at this point of time in our lives.
That really just hit me. Hard. I realized that this is it. After Sunday who knows what I'll be doing in theater. I'll audition for something this summer but if it doesn't work out I will not stay in the production because I cannot do that to myself. And then I'll be off to UArts. Where I will be in a completely different part of the theater. I won't be on stage. I won't be performing. I won't be in the situations where what I, the character, is feeling is so intense and huge that it needs to be sung about. It needs music, not just words. I won't have any of that. I will still sing. I don't think I will ever stop singing but it won't be the same.
And I won't have these people. Who I love.
I don't want to lose some of them. I don't want to be the complete ruination of what was left of PickleFour. I don't want to put an end to any possible gathering of the people from SuiteGSpot who still speak. I can't lose these people. I need them. And I'm scared of what life will be like without them- not in a scholastic setting, emotionally speaking. I know I can succeed academically because I did all through high school, but still... It's frightening. I am worried. As much as I might claim to hate FDU, its just the school. Not the people. Not the teachers. I wish I could go to UArts, bring a bunch of these people with me, still have Rob and Allen as teachers and still go to Wroxton. I want the best of both worlds. And I know thats not an option. And I made my decision. And it is the one that will be better for my career in the end. But I still am sad.
I almost feel like in doing this I'm giving up.
I'm finding a new major, one that doesn't involve acting. I felt insecure about my acting (even though when coupled with singing it is what I want to do more than anything in the world.) And so I gave up. I know its not exactly what happened. But in current retrospect thats what it feels like. And thats not good. I need to be confident that I've made the best decision. And I know that I have on an intellectual level... its just the emotional one that scares me. I have this fear in the pit of my stomach that I'll leave here and then just get completely lost at Uarts. I'll end up dissapointing everyone. I won't succeed. And I cannot deal with failure. I get upset with getting Cs. I cannot do badly. And I'm so afraid that I am not a good enough writer, or creative enough, or driven enough, or talented enough. I'll end up not living up to the supposed potential...
I can't do this..
But I need to. I hate debating with myself like this. Especially when its almost 5 in the morning and I should've been asleep at least 3 hours ago, if not 5.
I just want some sort of assurance that I am doing the right thing. That everything will work out. That I can have my cake and eat it too. That I won't lose my friends. I really can't deal with that. I've lost so many people to broken friendships in my life that I cannot lose these people. Atleast not some of them. I need to keep them cause they are my sanity. And yes I might find others to help me stay sane or something, but every person is different and will play a different role in my life... and I don't want to have to recast the people I currently have in some roles...

I make no sense sometimes. But thats what happens when I get scared and tired and upset and everything else. I just wish I could say this to someone. I don't want to thought because I'm scared (more fear!) that they will tell me that I'm make a bad decision. Or that they can't believe I would do that. Or even worse... they won't care. I just want someone to tell me everything will be fine. I am doing the right thing and I am making the correct decision and everything will work out and I'll finally be happy and I'll find my place and I'll succeed and I won't have these questions and I just will be able to be me and still have my friends and my schooling and everything. I want this to work out. Please god let it work out. Give me some sort of sign or message or something. I need it. Please.
I want to hang out with someone cause I feel like what we do as of late is not hanging out like we did once. Now its just work. Lets just have some fun.

I want to document everything happening from now on here I think. I can't forget these people or this school or the times I've had here. I need to keep the best track that I can...

Also I started watching season 2 of Queer As Folk. I know a lot of people do not like Michael as a character. They think he's stupid and clingy and annoying and all sorts of other unflattering descriptions.... but I relate to him. I don't know what that says about me. But in the first three episodes of the sceond season - I know what it is that he means. When he doesn't talk about him and David breaking up.. he was waiting for the right time. I know exactly what he means. Its like I was back when I got my badletter. I wouldn't talk about it. Initially I told about 3 people. It got around eventually but I couldn't tell people. The timing seemed off, and I didn't or couldn't admit defeat (or so it felt)...
And now its 5:17. I should probably go to bed at this point....

Oh yeah-
Come to the CAROUSEL!
Wednesday, March 28 - Saturday, March 31: 8 pm.
Sunday, April 1: 2:30 pm.
Dreyfuss Theater.
FDU Madison.

I promise it won't suck.
atleast I don't think it will

but will we remember it all?

i had a talk with rob today. I told him my news on Monday and it got an indifferent reception. But then he sent me an email saying he was happy for me and its fdu's loss, uart's gain.
So I sent him one back explaining some things. Plans, etc.
Then today during a break at rehearsal he called me over.
We had a real talk. He asked why I was transferring, why UArts over FDU. Why now? What would I change about FDU? What courses would I add? A bunch of those kind of questions. I explained everything to him. And just told him how I need a city atmosphere, and more music classes and more writing classes, and less of a rounded education- I don't need maths and sciences! I told him that he was the reason I chose the school in the first place, he didn't believe me. But I explained to him it was from when I had a theater discovery day, him and Rich really reached me and made me like what I saw in the school. He was telling me how much he likes Philadelphia. I knew he directed a show there last month- but it was at the Adrienne! I know that theater, I've been there. Its a cute little blackbox- very tiny. But it was nice and he was really nice and kind about everything. He asked me if I'd applied to uarts the year before so I told him yes, and it was for musical theater but i bombed my acting audition. He seemed almost surprised by that. It was nice. Like he has atleast a little faith in whatever ability I might have (even if casting doesn't reflect it) But it was nice. And necessary and I appreciated his talking to me a lot...


In other news- or connected news, the show is going fairly well.
Tech is on Sunday, then we have a costumed rehearsal, than costumes and makeup, and then we open on Wednesday. One week. (!) This could very well be my last show for a long time depending on how things go with my Into the Woods audition...

the weather is shit.
it ruined my plans for the day.
and probably for tomorrow.
and tomorrow is st pattys day and i'll end up sitting at home
getting all my shit together maybe drinking alone- probably not cause its not my style.
its really just a shame that no one was around for break at the same time as me.
very unfortunate- at least for me.


saw altar boyz last night with jess and mom. it was fun. cute. hot boys. singing. dancing.
an all around party.

Certain Tragedy.

And now I finally see that the further we go
we're only treading ground that we already know.
I could write you a song, send you a note,
or empty out your trash
and buy a bucket full of diamonds
but even the most beautiful of all roses
must someday crumble to dust and fade away.
It's a certain tragedy.

So it's on into the lonely nights and all the rest of it.
The empty space between me and the sunken walls
and feeling someone's hand around my neck
choking away the life that i have left.
And I can finally see that the further I go
I'm only treading ground that I don't wanna know.
I'll probably hang upside-down
from wooden rafters in my home
and look at old photos of you.
So it's on into the lonely nights and all the rest of it.
The empty space between me and the sunken walls
and feeling someone's hand around my neck
choking away the life that i have left.
I miss the warmth of the summer
when we were on our own,
but now it's winter and my bones are cold.

And now I finally see that the further we go
we're only treading ground that we already know.
I could write you a song, send you a note,
or empty out your trash and
buy a bucket full of diamonds but
even the most beautiful of all roses
must someday crumble to dust and fade away.
It's a certain tragedy.

sometimes life is just too predictable.
sometimes people are just too predictable.
i should've seen it coming,
i should've known better.
after everytimes its been said and nothings happened- you'd think i'd learn.

but i don't.
i have this eternal faith that it'll work out.
things won't fall through.
people will come through.


but they usually don't...

maybe the rest of this week will work out at some point in time.


i did manage to get some clothes at least. such as...

this - but in green




this type of top but not quite... and its belted with a green faux leather belt... different.
and a bunch of other pieces. <3

its officially official

i got a letter and everything.
next semester i won't be at fdu.
I will be a freshman transfer at the University of the Arts in Philadelphia.
Its surreal. I know its going to happen. I got the letter, the big envelope, even a scholarship -but its like I can't believe it.
Its the school I have wanted to go to since I was in 6th or 7th grade when I first heard about it. Maybe my plans have changed a bit, and the major has definitly changed in time, but still. Its the place.
And its the program I have really wanted- Theater. I might now be acting, but instead I'll be writing. I wanted to be a writer before I knew how to do anything else. And now I'll be focusing on playwriting. Its like life comes full circle.
I've told some people here that its completely official.
But not Rob. I don't know what to say, or how to.
I don't want him to think less of me cause I really respect him.
But I leave for Spring Break tomorrow so I guess that will give me time to figure it out- unless I see him and spill the beans, but I don't think he's really here on campus Fridays.
I just can't.. I still can't believe it.
I really am having a situation wrapping my head around the fact that I am getting what I want- what I've almost always wanted.
Its a feeling I'm really not used to at all...

Going home tomorrow is so welcome- I just want to see this letter, make it real to me.
Plus see a few people, do some shopping, maybe a little partying, and just have some fun and not worry about what work I have to do or what I have rehearsal for.

Its my life- through cartoon. For Reals.

queer as folk is cute. i couldnt get into it before but now i like it.
its fun. and funny. and filled with many hot guys- even if they are gay, on the show.

5 days left at school.
then homeward bound for springbreak.
thank god.
i want to go home. and go play in philly.
and see people- like colleen duncan, maybe?!
and jessica and nicholas and maybe even spanky.

and go shopping with miss nikki. and the zoo and the aquarium too apparently.
and get my official letter. and not pay for housing here for next year- cause i won't be here.
i'm goin somewhere else.

it is sad that it makes me smile this much?

ps theres a plague going around fdu. its crazy gross. makes people throw up and fever and all sorts of nasty stuff. and its really a norovirus, but a ton of people are getting it. we just had an emergency hall meeting to inform us of the fact that there will be cleaning supplies available for us so that we dont die. and that if anyone throws up that we should call PS because that person needs an IV immediately. and all sort of other information. blah blah blah.

i kinda wanna get it now cause that way i wont risk it for spring break. and also i just dont want to go to class at all.
ever.

hey, jealousy.

i'm jealous.
i want that social life.
i want things to do, places to go, people to see.
i'm so boring!

save me. from here. and from myself. and from boredom!
blahhhh.

you are my sweetest downfall

That itchy feeling you've been having from time to time lately is good old wanderlust. You need to travel out of your familiar territory and experience a new culture. Being uncomfortable in an airplane seat is a small price to pay for the rewards you will experience once you land. Start planning a long-distance journey today - and consider a foreign country. There are ways of making the trip fit into your budget.

obviously this means going to philly and part of south jersey i am unfamiliar with. its a night and day between here and there so its practically another country. and i have no money, so the whole budget thing will work out. its meant to be!


please don't mind all the things with the horoscopes lately. they've just seemed right for me. and i know the whole point is that they'll work no matter what cause people will choose to believe the horoscopes as they wish to see them but still.. sometimes they are just too perfect.