'What time of day are you?'

You are 2:11 a.m.

Your time of day has a split personality -- sometimes it's sweat-streaked and loud, and you're on the dance floor, getting your third wind, and shouting lyrics like you'll never run out of energy. You are the time of night that carves itself into your memory forever, because you'll never forget how much you love these people and this moment and this song. It's not always about unforgettable parties, though. Sometimes your late night (err… early morning) burst of energy happens when you're home alone. Those are the times when you say, "I flat out refuse to go to sleep until I finish reading this book, or typing this page, or reorganizing my entire closet." In either case, you are the time of night when it feels sort of forbidden to be awake, but you love accomplishing something special long after everyone else went to bed. And hey -- you can always catch up on sleep tomorrow, right?



sounds about right.




tech starts tonight.
so not cool.
i am already feeling like i'm falling behind but after this week i'm going to be screwed. what a way to truly start the semester...

i am not all about this.
i seriously want to just finish this semester right now.
i want to move to new york immediately and start working.
or have an internship. or just do something.
i am over school work right now.
and its not because i dont like it, i love it.
but i'm just so tired.
i just want a little break or something.
but i'm not going to get one until march 8th.
i am counting the days for the next month with an eagerness unknown.


like seriously.

if they didn't hurt they wouldn't call them crushes.

that john hughes knows something...


also i am already dead from this semester and its only the second monday/ 3rd week of sort. its gonna be a long semester. a really very long semester.

"Writers are thieves. We evesdrop at the supermarket, we sneak off at parties and write down things people say."

I haven't posted in over a week.
I've been sort of busy.
What with being away in the Dominican (obviously I did not get to stay and form my own band of mini-bandits or infuse some children with some west side story styled choreography. damn.) And then going to New York for one day and deciding to do so at the absolute last minute. And moving back to Philadelphia. And starting classes. And actually having my meeting with Amy. And planning out my entire life for the next two years. Its absolutely crazy.


I can't believe I'm actually following through with my plan of sorts. I mean I've done step one already. Met with Amy. And while there we made my 'graduation plan' meaning we went over all the classes I need to take to get my degree and how long it will take me to earn it. AS a rule of the university I must be here for 5 semesters, 2 and a half years. Placing me as graduating in December 2009. Only one semester later than I was originally supposed to. And now, thanks to our clever planning, I should be able to do this. Amy and I sat for an hour Tuesday afternoon trying to sort everything out and just talking about why I want to fast track it. She understands me and my feelings about being older than the other people in my classes and also about my guilt toward making my parents pay so much because even after my scholarships its expensive, I'm not sure if it's more than FDU but its still expensive and I don't want them to work themselves to death or anything just to pay for my schooling, but I can't really make the money I need while being in school and I certainly can't get the loans for it because I already have my own debts and absolutely no credit (I should fix that). So hopefully this will all work out. But if it doesn't I will definitely finish by May 2010. Only one year late. Meaning I'd have been here for 3 years, which is okay.
My own personal plan is to open a bank account that I won't really touch and to take half of the money I make over the next few years and put it into that account. Then when it comes time for grad school (if I get in) I will have some money put away so I can pay part of it on my own. And then I will possibly be able to get another loan and I'll be able to afford it.

Also we discussed my Senior Project, or at least the possibility of it. If I can pull it off I want to have a staged reading/ workshop/ something! of a one act musical I am currently working on. I can't promise that it would be that great as a whole but the pieces I have started I already like. Two songs and the scenes they are part of especially, they make me quiet happy. And I never like my own work.

But anyways aside from that stuff I've been doing a bunch of things. Starting classes- taking 18 credits now (which is funny cause about a week ago I was in 13.5). But I'm no longer in voice lessons because they didn't fit in with my schedule or with money (they cost extra! whats that about since we're already paying for the credits?) I am however in Musical Theatre History as taught by a man who knows Allen Cohen! (He told me to tell the techer he said hi, hahaha) And also I'm in Stage Management with Anna which might be a little bit insane just based on some of the people in the class. Wonderful.

Oh and there was a super-last minute New York trip for Jessica and I. While we were way we randomly got internet and I got a facebook thing as a part of a group that there was an extra Jamboree being added on Saturday night at midnight. Jess wanted to go so I sent Joe a message seeing if he thought it would be sold out or what since we wouldn't even be back in America until late Friday night. But he hadn't answered me by the time we got home so I called the Laurie Beechman just to see and they said it was sold out, completely and that there was no hope for me. Fun times. But Saturday morning I check my facebook and theres an answer from Joe saying that he would get us in if we wanted to go and to message him and let him know. And so I txtd saying that he would forever be my hero if he could get us into the 9:30 show (we couldn't go to the midnight one due to lack of trains home). Not even 4 minutes later my phone rings and it was Joe saying that he would get us in. Come hell or highwater (well not really thats dramatic but I like that phrase) we would be in that theater. I believe he actually said that we would be sitting on stage if we had to, but dammit we would be in that theater somehow. Hot, right? So after organizing and packing our stuff to go back to Philly we got ready and we left and took the train to New York and got some coffee (Dunkin Donuts, of course). Then it was off to the Beechman to see some Jamboree. We were actually on the list and everything and we got real seats at a table ( I was so paranoid I'd get there and firstly no one from the group of them would remember me from earlier in the month and then we wouldn't have anywhere to sit and just a whole bunch of things going wrong. Like the way my life normally does) But we were at the show and we got to see people and talk to them and people did remember who I was, I guess I'm not as invisible as I fear and it was just a great night. By the time we got home it was late, around 2 something in the morning because of the train and issues so we passed out and then the next day it was back to Philadelphia.

Nicole came to visit on Sunday! After I moved everything back in and put everything away she showed up! It was so great to hang out with her again. Even though its only been a little while since we saw each other on January 5th its still a long time, considering that we lived together for one year and then saw each other atleast 5 days a week another, and then we went many many many months without seeing each other. But now its all good. But we hung out and I showed her around a tiny tiny tiny bit - not much to look at when its so cold and ugly out. But then we had people over to the apartment, not quite a party but certainly a gathering with alcohol and movies and whatnots. But it was fun.
And then it was Monday and after Nicole left to go home in the afternoon I headed to the shop so I could start working again. Back to the grind.

On Tuesday classes started and and then it was pint night and so it went today too with new classes and then we had a small project runway viewing party (because Kaitlin couldn't) and now I'm here.
And now I'm going to read a trashy romance novel until I fall asleep since I have to get up at 7:30 for my 8:30 class (so not cool).

But first a little video I made at the jamboree cause it was a good time and I completley love the song.

""

"I wanna take you through a wasteland I like to call my home "

If you recognize the above lyric and do not do so by way of Google you will gain about 30 cool points in my book. And you'll get an extra one if you figure out its relevance to me at this very moment.

I've finished packing. Mostly. All my clothing and whatnots are done with. Now its a matter of figuring out carry-on items. Obviously those will include: i-pod, classic composition book (both are always on my being somewhere), books (but which ones to bring? I'm thinking I'll go with 'Junior' by Macaulay Culkin because a) it looks crazy f-ed up, and b) i have yet to read it. And them I'm at a loss for literature. This break has been particularly hard on my wallet, thus I am lacking in reading material for lack of purchasing ability. I might take some books from Nicholas, perhaps some Neil Gaiman? Or maybe I'll steal Fake.Liar.Cheat. / The Fuck-Up / Perks of Being A Wallflower. My copies of these books are in Philadelphia rather than on the other side of the wall like his are... I guess I'll ask. Or maybe I'll go shopping in the morning at all the duty-free stores while we wait at the Newark Airport.)

Oh yes, we are flying out of Newark. Driving into the bad weather, snow and all. It will be a party. Of momentous size too. Meaning everyone else will probably end up falling asleep in the car while my father drives and I'll put on the i-pod and not pass out but happily think of the coming 4 days in the sun and devote a tiny thought to the regrettable feelings that will sneak up on me when Friday comes and its time to return to the real world. I've been told that even though I don't officially have a seat on the plane to come home I am not allowed to give up and stay in the Dominican Republic. I found this very upsetting.

I personally don't understand why I'm not allowed to stay in a random foreign country illegally. I could make my money, singing on street corners. Perhaps hustling money from tourists.

[cut from Caitlin sitting on bedroom floor with laptop to Caitlin walking down the mean streets of the Domincan Republic. Her skin is very dark and she is looking fairly South American in her own right for someone who is Irish and Italian. Behind her there is a band of small children, they are all very tough looking. The children are breaking into random dance moves, also yelling words like "BAM!", "ZAP!", and "POW!" They are a force to be reckoned with, a group to be feared, and Caitlin is their leader, their Queen.]


I would fantasize about leading a small gang of children and molding them into those most likely to appear as the Puerto Ricans in West Side Story... But I really would be a mighty fierce leader - you know I would.


I guess I should stop doing this and start packing my carry-on. I'm just so lazy though...


Shame.

Fruit Strip Gum.

Fruit Strip Gum.
I'm chewing a piece right now and its like I'm reliving (or re-chewing) my childhood.
This was by far my favorite candy. "Yipes, Stripes! Its Fruit Stripe Gum!"
In my young mind it was perfection in stick form. In chewing it now I am getting painfully nostalgic for days long past. Days when I was at Saint Paul. Days when life was easier and friends were plentiful and there was not nearly the drama there is now. I have a stick of the peach flavor in my mouth, by far the one I liked the least but still I love it. I'm so tempted to be like a third grader and put on the tattoos. The one on this particular wrapper is the zebra surf boarding.

Life was so much easier when this gum was in style...

And then I get left behind...

Apparently our plane for coming home from the Dominican Republic is over booked.
And the way its overbooked is in a way making me not have a seat. The other four members of my family have seats on the plane. Me, not so much. So I am going to be left behind in paradise. Not really a bad thing, but still- it doesn't surprise me that I would be the one stuck. Gi-zayyyyyy.

And also would anyone like a song that has the lines

"I don’t like you
Not like that at least.
You were never the one for me.

I don’t like you.
I’m sorry but its done.
This is the way things have to be."


Its somewhere in a song I started a little while ago (while watching Harry Potter 1 [they all look like babies!])

"Woke up to the sound of pouring rain.."

It is horrendous outside. Pouring rain, thunder and lightning. Always fun.
I don't know why I'm writing on here. I think it was more that I just wanted to quote that song as a title of a post and it seemed apropos here.

Additionally, after my little rant last night I kept writing.
3 lyrics done, completely so. And a few others started.
If only I could figure out the accompaniment and not make it suck.
And also if I could finally finish the Post Secret Project that would be nice...
Or something like that.

Some of you might not know but somewhere in last February or March I started a project based on the ideas of Post Secret (click My Addictions link). I know its not really a new innovative theater concept or anything but I wrote a collection of monologues about people's struggles with their secrets, both the inner turmoil and the way they were outwardly effected. It was about the nature of secrets and what they can do to a person, whether it be a positive or a negative. And since I started it I've continued to work on them little by little. The first week I was working I wrote 6 monologues, all of which I still like (which is rare- I normally hate anything I write within hours of finishing). But then I got busy with school and with shows and with life. The project fell to the wayside. But recently I picked it up again. On the train to New York last weekend I had my laptop with me and so I started to write again. I wasn't quite sure where I was going with it but I knew I wanted to carry on with the project and so I did. And now I have an even larger collection of monologues. And I don't know where to stop, or how to end. I want everyone's secrets to tie together somehow and to have the different actors coming together and for there to be a crossover of sort. I can see it in my head and hear it, I just can't execute it or talk about it apparently. So, I'm trying to figure out that one now too.

I just don't know when to stop with that one.
How many pieces would make it complete?

I'm getting overly anxious.
I don't know what about- but I am.

And also, anybody wanna loan my $20?
I wanna go to the rock and roll jamboree on the 19th since I don't start classes til the 22nd.

I'm not a fan of her plays but...

Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable. ~Wendy Wasserstein


Wise words. Keep them in mind.

I'm going crazy here. I'm writing a lot. As much as I can. I figure I'll just keep doing it and keep what I like, get rid of what I don't, or work it til I do like it. I need this constance because without it I will slack and end up ignoring my goals and then when the times I'll be screwed. Completely. So if you talk to me and ask me what I'm working on and I have no idea or I have no clue about anything or I just say I've given up, please slap me up the head. I can't afford to let go of goals, even if I still have 5 semesters left of working I cannot slack. At all. I counted a little while ago. I don't think it could be possible for me to finish school by Fall 2009. I'm going to have stick around for Spring 2010, even though I don't think I'll be able to afford it. Especially since my scholarship is only for 2 years. I don't know... I'm going to meet with Amy, I hope, and figure out the next few years of my life and my classes. And hopefully I'll be able to get a job and start saving. Cause I need to. And then maybe I won't be in debt for the rest of my life.... Hah. Thats funny. Because I know I will be.

My Current Life Plan

so last night (really this morning) I was talking to Joe Marra (who i miss like woah) and I told him I was plotting out my life. He asked what it was and so...

Well, I'll go to the Dominican Republic on Monday and stay through Friday, start classes on Tuesday and promptly have a meeting with my dept. head so we can try and get me out of UArts as fast as possible - 4 more semesters hopefully so I'll only be 1 semester behind people my age. I'll then take the next semester off and work my ass off doing whatever I can, saving all my money, get into NYU's TISCH Grad School for Musical Theatre Writing. Then I'll go there for a bit of time, graduate with an MFA. While there I'll dazzle the theater world with my amazing word play and clever lyric writing. Somehow I won't have to work (I haven't worked that part out) and I'll subside on a diet of Dunkin Donuts coffee and bagels and writing my little heart out. And then I will take the world by storm (except it won't just be me because I will find some amazing composer to collaborate with [Amy Feinberg has taught me well] and we will pair their incredible music [preferably of an alternative style] and my wondrous lyrics and we'll be winners all around).



Now lets see if I can even get beyond the meeting with Amy sometime after classes start.

This year I'll try not to think too much.
This year I'll try to stand up for myself.
This year I'll live like I've never lived before.
This is my year for sure.



i'm still awake.
why?

a random bit of fascination

the above is a mustache cup.
it was an invention of the 1800's England.
It's a cup with a special bar across the inside to keep a man's mustache out of his drink.
I don't know why but I think this might be the most amazing thing ever...

always darkest before the dawn?

maybe I've found the way I work best.

Melt down, start thinking I should give up and go to school for political science or even worse - communcations, that i have absolutely no talent and that i should find a corner to go die in.

and then start writing.

In the past few hours i wrote a song.
It's not much and its just the beginnings of one and it has a long way to go.
But I like it so far.
And the one person I've let listen to it (god bless these mac's and their recording abilities) gave me really good feedback on it.

so now to just see if I can keep this up...

I've been spontaneously crying the past day.
What the fuck? Like seriously.
I'm not sure why but all day its just been random tears.
You'd swear I was pregnant or crazy or PMSing.
And I'm not any of them.


So instead of just crying I've decided I'm going to lose myself in a project and really learn how to play my guitar. I've had it for a few years and beyond a few Michelle Branch songs from her first CD, I can't play anything. And so- here I go...

I figure if I can play guitar, I can atleast attempt to write music to go along with the crappy lyrics I've written. Therefore making a fully crappy song as opposed to only half of one.

so i think i might have come to a slight understanding with why i keep freaking out over my writing and future career or lack-there-of. everyone i met who is doing what i want to do in life already was working on projects that have been finished, or just had some sort of skill and talent and they could show something for it by the time they were my age. Me... not so much. Maybe I just move at a slower pace than they do. It wouldn't be the first time I was the slow one- on so many levels. I just feel like I've fallen behind. Like there's this big race to get to success and finish a piece and have it be good and have people like it and maybe even get it produced and I'm just floundering at the back somewhere trying to find a pencil sharpener so I can maybe try to start writing a first draft.
So that's kind of a weird way to put it, but thats the way things feel right now. And I don't know how to catch up other than try to keep writing and maybe straighten things out but right now I feel like everything I write is so cliche and just bad. It's a big ball of suck, to put it nicely. And I don't know how to improve or get past this hump. And just ugh. I'm frustrating myself because of my lack of ability coupled with my need to get around it.

I seriously want to cry and scream and just figure everything out at the same time.
And then finish a play I can be proud of, instead of ashamed or embarassed like usually.

trying to write

I'm trying to keep writing.
Not the ramblings that are here but real writings.
My plays and bad lyrics.
I feel like I only have short things to tell. Not a full story.
I can tell one persons side of something, like a story.
But then I get stuck.
I can't flesh it out further.
How am I supposed to be a writer when I can't write?
Or, I can write- but not enough to satisfy anyone?
Do I need more life experience?
Can I only find stories once I find my own place in the world?
When will that happen?
How am I going to improve in enough time to have any sort of chance?
I know I'm being overly dramatic but I feel like if I don't get better at this then my dreams won't come to fruition at all.

Dimple just called me.
We're going to the diner.
Maybe I'll come back later...

Better in 2008?

Well, here I am. Currently while i write this it is 1:48 am, Sunday morning. Not too long ago I got back from the bar. Or actually from leaving Nicole on the corner of 42nd (or was it 43rd?) and 8th so she could go on her merry way to MSG and Penn Station and I could make my way back to matt’s.
This was quite the weekend. It was a fun time, really.
So what happened was Joe Iconis (ya’ll should listen to his stuff, its awesome. ask me for the demo and I’ll burn or send it to you). Well he wanted people to be his “street team”. And since I already knew I was coming up here to see the concert and matt and I didn’t have anything concrete to do we were like “sure, we’ll do it,” figuring others would be willing to also. So Joe gets back to us and was all “yeah! street team = party!” so we thought cool.
Then Friday night rolls around. I came up to new york and met up with matt. We played at th eapartment for a second and then went to Joe’s since that’s what we were told to do via email. We get there and before we go in we get uber petrified that this is going to be so insanely awkward. I mean we were going into what was practically a complete strangers apartment to do God-knows-what. But we go up and in and there we were. It ended up being us and the cast of the show. There was no further street team. Awkward much? But after a few minutes it subsided mostly (atleast I thought so). When we walked in Joe said that I looked familiar. He knew me from youtube as one of the “blue hair” girls. I wanted to die from that alone but we went in, he gave me a beer (yay) and then it was to work that we went. It was mostly cutting things like flyers and CD inserts. But still it was okay.
So we’re sitting doing this, trying to make awkward conversation. And then after about an hour and a half I just hear a voice coming from Joe’s computer “I’m bored. I’m awesome. It’s almost one…” And that’s when I wanted to die. First I screamed “Fuck no! Turn that shit off right now.” Like across the room. Yes, I screamed fuck and shit across the room. And then i got insanely embarassed because i screamed that in reaction to a video of myself. But then I kind of dealt with it. I curled into a ball for a few seconds but then I got over it. Mostly. And there it was. They told me I was better than some girl who sang it this summer at some show. I dunno. Thanks i guess? I didn’t really know what to do with that but I just tried to not make a big deal out of it while inside my head I was screaming “Holy Shit, why do you hate me God!?” But it was okay- mostly. I ended up getting over it. For the most part. I tried to not dwell. But that’s a challenge because I am such a dweller. I obsess over small details and minute things that do not make a difference, such as watching a video of myself singing a song while the writer of said song chills there and i yell for him to “Fuck no! turn that shit off”. Or something like that.
But we went and did all that work and got all the CD’s ready and the little flyers to hand out to people. Than we were given signs (like actual signs to hang up at places like diners and on random street corners and stores, etc.) And off we went back to Matt’s apartment. Trying to figure out what we were doing the next day. So we did and it was actually the two of us just messing around making movies that will never be seen by anyone with the exception of Nicole.
So yeah. Today we went out at about 8:45 or 9 and walked the streets of Manhattan, mostly attacking people in the theatre district trying to get them to go to the show. We gave out nearly 60 CDs (all that we had) and a bunch of flyers plus posters at diners and such. But it was fun in its own way. And than we took a break and updated people who needed to know how and what we were doing. And then back to Spring Awakening and Rent we went to give the few CD’s we had left plus a bunch of the mini-flyer deals out to people who it seems would like the kind of music that would be in the show. And then Matt went to Legally Blonde with his aunt or something. And I went off in search of Nicole! Miss Nicole whom I have not seen since May. Finally, reunited and it feels so good. Or something like that… But the two of us went shopping all over th place like Manhattan Mall and Forever 21 and then in search of a Dunkin Donuts so I could get myself some regular coffee that didn’t suck or taste burned like Starbucks. And so I bought new shirt at Forever 21 and eventually after wandering for quite some time we found a Dunkin Donuts and I got my coffee and it was my happiness since all I’d had over the course of the day was half a bagle and a glass of water. But we went back to Matt’s and all played and got to know each other and than off to the Rock and/or Roll show we went.
It was wonderful. We ended up sitting with Joe’s parents and one of his grandmothers which was pretty funny (his grandmother was amazing) . And it was just a good time. And Nicole didn’t get carded so we all got to drink. And the show was great. I got a bunch of random videos and pictures. They will eventually be posted… probably. But afterward we were talking and Nicole got her picture with Anthony Rapp like she really wanted and we all talked to him and made it awkward – but an acceptable kind of awkward, at least that’s what I’m telling myself. And then we were just talking to people and making friends and then off to the bar we went and Jason paid for drinks even though I tried to. And it was a party; Dancing, alcohol, really good hot wings. Drunkenness. But in a good way. A better drunk than new years. And it was with some pretty awesome people, even though Matt had to leave to go deal with his cousin me and Nicole stuck around and talked to a bunch of people and took pictures and just had a good time. And really I’m glad I did this. I’m glad that I took my time. Sure , I had some embarassment. And I had to deal attitude from some people on the spring awakening line. And I might have a hang over in the morning. And I might end up regretting this for some reason but it was a good time. I swear. And I’m happy. Maybe this is a good sign of what 2008 will be like.

shit man...

its 2008.
when the fuck did that happen?

seriously.
time flies and i dont even notice it going until its so far past i'm thinkin its 4 weeks ago or something. i realize how little sense that makes but fuckit, i dont care. its 4:10 in the morning and therefore good enough for me and you.

so break just keeps moving right along.
and so do the good times with my friends.
we've drank and talked and driven (or ridden) and dinered and everything with more to come. i know its cliche but my friends from high school might be the best i'll ever have. we didn't have the times of our lives in h.s. and those were not the best days of our lives but we're still together and with each other now and times are getting better as we are getting older.

new years was calm, mostly uneventful but very drunk.
it was just amy, erin and i.
the three of us at my apartment drinking. than walking to the river for the fireworks and walking back to my apartment for more drinking and making friends with people who walked past my front steps as we smoked like the rebels we are. i drank much more than i should have.
tuesday i was so sick. i couldn't drink water for fear of throwing up= always a fun thing. thats what i get for excessive amounts of champagne and wine. and i mean excessive. but it was still fun and i survived. and tonight amy and i went back to philly and saw the screwtape letters, a production at the lantern theater company for which jessica was the costume designer - her first professional outing! i'm so proud of her- for reals.

this weekend ought to be interesting.
once i have a clue whats going on i might write, but i may just wait til whatever happens does so. that way... yeah
anyways.
i've been thinking about the future.
i know people are consistently doing that but i've been thinking in terms of career and what i really want to be and to do and how i can establish myself.
i want to be a writer. not of the crap thats on here but of theater. i love characters and theater and playwriting and everything. it what i'm really in school for right now. its the reason i got into uarts i think- because i definitely did not get in on my technical theater prowess or my knowledge of stage management practices. because i have no experience in either of those fields. and the only thing i presented at my interview with amy were scripts. one finished one act play, 3 scenes of an unfinished crappy jukebox musical of sort(but not really), 5 scenes of an unfinished play from class, and 4 monologues from a newer idea i had been working on at the time based on the post secret art project. but i've been thinking. if this is really what i want to do i need to apply myself. i really need to get some follow through with my writing. i need to work my ass off and try to finish what i start instead of beginning a bunch of pieces and never finishing them. and i need to think in terms of my education.

once i'm finished at uarts in my shorter amount of time (since thats what i'm working towards) i think i want to go to tisch. yes, its expensive. yes, its hard to get into. and yes, i have no idea if thats even going to be what i want in a few years. but at the moment i do want to write theater. i want to work in that field and i want to go to one of the best places to study it, in one of the most incredible cities in the world.

NYU/TISCH Musical theater writing program.

thats it. i want to go for book writing. maybe lyric writing depending on where i can get with that and how much i can grow in the next year or so. but thats it.

i don't make new years resolutions. people never keep them and things change as time goes on making a resolution made in january not pertinent by the time march rolls around. but i think i want to develop my writing. i want to work, privately on my writing and i want to grow with it. i want to be better than i have been. i want to be good. and i want to finish something and truly be proud of my work, not read it once its done and think "what kind of crap am i churning out?" like i usually think.

thats all.
i got a bit ranty but i think thats really going to be my goal over the year, in addition to keeping my grades where they are (gpa was 3.82 this semester, thank you very much)

holy shit/

i am hyperventilating due to excitement right now.


ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod.



amazingggg!





oh and happy new year to everyone after today.
<3.

And They Called Me The Alternative...

A mix I just made.
It is my happiness.

Just Stay - Kevin Devine
Passing Afternoon - Iron & Wine
Come Down - Dan Mangan
Cara Mia - Annie Hayden
Spark the Fire - Kira Fontana
Jen Is Bringing the Drugs - Margot & the Nuclear So and So's
Our Life Is Not A Movie or Maybe - Okkervil River
Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez
Anyway - In Flight Radio
The Fisherman's King - Los Halos
It's So True - Spain
Heaven Is A Word - Carla Werner
California One/ Youth and Beauty Brigade - The Decemberists
I Felt Your Shape - Microphones
Naked As We Came - Iron & Wine
High As A Kite - The Pernice Brothers


its good.

Dear you,

It was the idea of you rather than the actuality. I didn't really feel for you but rather enoyed the feeling of someone else feeling for me first, before I did for them- a new experience for me. I don't want to hurt you, but the truth needs to be out. I never was as interested in you as you were in me. It is the way of the world and of feelings. We cannot help who we fall for, but as I've learned many times over, we also cannot make anyone fall for us. So try as you may, it is not happening, at least not likely. I don't feel the same way you do. And also the proclaimed intensity of your supposed feelings scares me. For barely really knowing me, you certainly claim to love me more than I am comfortable with, and probably ever will be. So really, please stop. With the proclamations and attempts and everything. Back away- slowly. With your dignity still entact, at least what remains of it.

Best.
Caitlin.

Amazed.

I am amazed at life and all its curiosities...
All the many moments that make up everything once they are strung together. That's all that life is, isn't it? Putting small pieces together to make up the whole.
Can life be broken down that way? Truly? Into tiny moments. Each a small snapshot of one happening in a lifetime.
If my life was to be broken down into moments, snapshots, wat would it really look like? Embarassing? Joyous? Laughable? Upsetting? Disconcerting? Or would every picture be a plethora of emotions and feelings? A collection of everything covered by the entire spectrum of human emotion? WOuld there be pictures of moments that I don't remember? Can there be events that shape ones personality and life that they don't even remember? What would that be for me?
If only I knew...

old

I've been cleaning lately. During that process I found an old writing book of mine.
Within the book I found something I wrote, a long time ago. And I really like it.
I usually don't like much of anything I write but I like this... a lot.

I listen to these songs on repeat. Some of them aren't even particularly good. But they evoke those "good" feelings, which is all that really matters. They make me think of us- of you. Of everything that could've been, that never was. Of everything I ruined.
I listen to these songs on repeat and I wonder is anything could be different. If I had sung a different song, if you have put on a different radio station how would things have changed? Would there have been any difference at all? Could I have prevented this entire situation by a change from PST to B101? Or would Night Moods have done it?
It was raining all day yesterday. I tried not to think about the weather. If I let the black skies and falling drops into my mind I wouldn't have been able to think of anything but the night we met. When we talked for hours in the rainstorm, relaxing under a cloudy sky. We were praying to not be hit by lightning but still were fascinated by the jagged lines of light cutting through the sky every few moments.

The perfect guy would buy me jewelry and bouncy balls from vending machines.
Sing into my voicemail at three a.m. because he was up thinking of me.
And when we are stuck in the rain he would ask me to dance.
He would be beautiful.

oh baby, baby
its a wild world.

i'm sorry i missed today! in my mind its still the 29th cause i just got home from working on things for callbacks and whatnots- now to get to homeworking. what a party.
it was nicholas' birthday, 28. scary, right?

it's my party...

its my 21st birthday.
i'm getting older.
i feel it.
and i'm a tiny bit hungover still (ugh) from barring it up last night.
it was fun.
a party was had.
i drank too much.
but thats what you do on your 21st birthday.



but right now i just want to die.
aand i certainly dont want to go to class in a little over an hour.
and i dont want to write this paper on the discreet charm of the bourgeosie.
and i do not want to try to write this play for collaboration.
inspiration hasnt hit and i cant force it.
this bites.


and a movie just made me cry.
but in a good way...
kind of.

Fear.

She fears everything.
She fears nothing.

She thinks that she is ready. The time has come.
She is willing and able to start a relationship, to jump in with both feet.
To take the proverbial plunge, of sorts.
And then it hits her.
She's going to be tied.
Tied Down.
And she can not take it.
She has to stop this, whatever it is.
Stop it dead in its tracks.
And so...
She will.
She stops speaking to him.
She makes one drunken mistake of a message.
She regrets her bad decisions.
She knows what she wants.
And it isn't this.
It isn't him.
She needs something to make her really want to change.
Or not change, but be willing and ready to do that.
And this time. This opportunity.
It doesn't do that for her.
Instead it scares her.
He scares her.
She doesn't want that.
She doesn't want him.
She thought she might, but she was mistaken.
But finally she knew, she didn't want that, she wasn't ready.
And now was not the time.
...It all clicked.







I walked down Pine Street.
Quickly, hurriedly.
I felt as though something was closing in on me.
Chasing me.
I looked all around me.
And there was nothing, nothing at all.
Rare as it is there was no one else on the street.
Rather than being comforted by this fact I was more frightened.
So I walked even faster. Practically running.
But still there was this sense, impending doom.
I walked and I walked.
It seemed like forever until I made it to 12th Street.
But finally I was there. And I made the turn.
A left.
Down the street I went.
But the mood did not lighten.
I felt the street closing in on me.
I broke into what was practically a run.
I kept going.
And then I saw it.
A person at the other end of the street.
Someone for me to run to.
I didn't know who they were but they were there.
Standing on the corner of Spruce and 12th.
An angel of sorts.
And so I ran.
Or power walked in actuality.
And I made it.
Finally, the sense of impending doom lifted.
I was free. I felt like myself again.
And I felt safe.
Mostly.
I walked the rest of the way down Spruce Street to my apartment.
There was a skip in my step.
And a lightness in my head.
I was still afraid- but not so petrified.
Why I had that sudden rush of fear, I will never know.
But it was there.
And I felt something.
Whatever it was...

he says take my hand.
live while you can.


i wish i had more to write but i'm lacking in things going on...
excepting the fact that i have one more day as a 20-year-old.
Wednesday I will be 21. Finally.
And Tuesday night we are getting shitfaced.
One and all.
Come join.
Fox and Hound.
15th and Spruce.
10 pm
Buy me a drink.


And Thanksgiving break was lovely.
And necessary.
And I love my friends.
And I miss them even more.

you were the best thing about this place...

i have no idea wats going on.
thats not new or anything... but its a bad thing.

greys anatomy, you are killing me a little bit.
but in a suspensful, good way.

and Gale Harold... damn Nazi.
Which makes me so sad... Brian Kinney would not be a nazi.


Going to Holy Cross' homecoming game tonight.
That'll be interesting.
They'll lose-at least according to my dad.
Moorestown is good, better than Cross.
Big surprise...

Something started crazy...

I love my family.
The end.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

“Writing is a sweet, wonderful reward”

I am done with classes until next Monday at 11:30 am.
Pretty sweet, right?

Now to just get cleaned up and get home tomorrow.
Morning or night. I haven't decided yet.

I'm excited.
Thanksgiving.
Friends.
Family.
BIrthdays.
Everything!
<3

And plus I turn 21 next Wednesday.
Awesome.

But we're going out Tuesday night.
Even better.
And so November 27th, 2007.
Fox and Hound.
Late-ish.
15th & Spruce.
Be there.

So maybe its to good to be hopeful.
Especially when you don't even make a true effort.
But whatever.
I drank and smoked last night.
And it was great.
And good times were had.
And i totally love some of the equinox people.
Some, not so much.
But still.
Loveeeee.

I knoe I shouldn't get my hopes up.
But sometimes a girl needs to.
Sometimes its a good thing to believe.
To think that something good could come of whatever happens.

Worry.
Why do I let myself worry?
Wondering what in the world did I do?

now nothings adding up and nothings making sense...

i'm listening to ben folds right now.
and its making me so happy.
i miss this music.
i miss everyone.
i'm getting strangely nostalgic for everyone and everything.
home and fdu and new york and everything.

i dont know why.
i love where i am and what i'm doing.
i just got a sudden rush of "awww i wish i could see >insert person here<."

Its strange. But in a good way.
I'm glad I miss them.
It means I have a slight soul.
But it took me til now to get like this.
Either I've been happy, or busy, or both; so I couldn't notice.
But yeah...
I miss them, but I'm still happy to be here.

I guess missing or longing and unhappiness are not mutually exclusive as they seemed before.
But back then I was just unhappy all the time so it made sense...

Anyways..
The show has been oing well.
I'm sorry this entry is over two house late.
It happens.
I was with people,
There was alcohol.
You see where this is going.
Crappy beer and people wins out over no alcohol and computer always, thanks.
I want to have a party right now.
And I want to get drunk.
Really drunk,
And I want to kiss someone,
I dont really care who he is (thats a lie)
and I just want to be kissed.

Take the hint.
And do it.
K? Thanks

"Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."



To Write Love On Her Arms.

WWW.TWLOHA.COM

She sat.
She sat on the floor and waited.
She waited anxiously.
She waited for him.
She wanted to see him.
She wanted to speak to him.
She wanted him.
She knew that he thought nothing of her. She knew that he wouldn't miss her if she left.
She knew that there was not much she could do to change that, other than wait.
Perhaps in time that could change.
Perhaps...
But for now she will want him.
She will want to speak to him.
She will jwant to see him.
She will wait for him.
She will wait anxiously.
She will sit on the floor and wait.
She will sit.

i am currently at rehearsal for Equinox.
I am so over this.
I just want to go to bed.
Right now.


But there are a few good things to come of this...

Nothing like bonding.
Nothing like hanging out.
Nothing like insults to make friends.


its all good.
i guess.

I want this:

"I’m finally letting myself live on the edge of my skin where I only do something because it feels good. There was no work being done this weekend. I let my eyes rest instead of keeping them open for hours and hours under the dim light of my desk lamp. I danced with someone who thinks I’m amazing and while I assure him that I’m just a girl he stares at me as if I’m much more than that."


I'm jealous of someone I don't even know for being able to write that.
I can't.
And because I can't let go of my work and let go of my responsibilities and get myself away from my laptop and writing and reading long enough I might have ruined something...
but then again, maybe he should understand that this, school and everything, is really important to me.
i need to do well. i need to succeed.
...if he doesn't get that, if all he can think about is how I'm always busy with my work than maybe he's not worth it. Because when i was free, when he knew I'd be free, he never was.
So screw that.

Plus someone else has been making me smile lately...

totally fucked.

i just got home from tech.
mind you i came home for about an hour during tech, but that was because part of my job was to make a pasta salad thats needed in one of the shows (yeah, totally not really the wardrobe's job but whatevs)

my back hurts.
i need a massage.
any one wanna help out?
i'll find someone to do it tomorrow, or tuesday.
def. tuesday.

well this must be short and sweet because i have plenty of homework to do.
like make a model of the black box to scale.
because amy is crazy.
or i just fucked up and didnt have time to do it before this.
hence my issue now.
blah blah blah.
my life sucks. the end.


oh but i got my hair cut yesterday.
i brought the swoopy bangs back, yeah.
its hot.
totes.

oops!

i havent been home all day, hence the lack of posting.

well thats a lie. i've been home
but jersey home- not philly home
and without my laptop, thus rendering me unable to write on here
and when i was in philly it was for a really short time.
to get ready
cause then we went to a party
and i just got back
and i'm a little tipsy.
but only a little.
and later today, at 11am the 10outof12 starts for equinox
which is really not cool
and i dont want to do it or be on crew at all
because i'm really lazy
but apparently thats not a good thing or whatever
so i have to be tere to supervise the wardrobe, hence my being wardrobe surpervisor.
i dont know my crew at all.
but hopeully a grade time will be had.
and next weekend there better be a cast party
and i better get innebriated
because i havent done that enoguh here
and also note to those who read this
i will be 21 in17 days.
be ready.
have gifts
and alcohol
and be at fox and hound on the night of the 27th, going into the 28th and buy me drinks
cause i say soooo



i will try to do something later.
but i'm going to sleep now
and then theres loooonnnngggg rehearsal
followed by a sad, sad attempt at making a model for amy's class.
that thing is gonna suck so hardcore.


my head hurts.
i'm gonna pass out now.
goodnight.

when everything is counterfeit it makes me want to break...

cause really whats the point of me just coasting on the surface
we stop living when we claim its not worth it

This coming week is going to suck.
Just putting it out there.
Too much work.
Scale model. Unit 4-7 test. Theatrical analysis. Sol Shuman or Ellis Island, I'm not sure which. A Long Day's Journey Into Night. Equinox tech/performance. Life? Work. Home. Laundry. Understanding combat. Cracking the nut. Prop list. Learnng to not suck so much.


it will be complicated.
To say the least.

i have nothing to say with the exception of i hate set design and am not good at it.
not at all.

and i am not an over achiever that amy loves.
well... maybe i am a tiny bit but not much.
and i work my ass off. thats why i do well and why she likes me as a student. if she even does.
and yes i researched color meanings but i'm a nerd.
and i like going all out.


but i still have no idea what i'm doing with this.

"Don't cry. If you cry I shall go mad..."

I've been attemptng to write an essay on Good Morning, Midnight.
Its not happening.
I just cannot get into that book.
And I've been trying for quite some time.
Sasha is just such a bitch of a character that I can't sympathize for her at all.
She is far too alienating.

But anyways...
I made up my schedule for next semester, got the form signed and everything by Gene.

Mondays are going to suck in general. But thats just because they'll be long. 8:30 to 1, I think.
I might be wrong about that.
But yeah...


Help me get up the nerve...



And help me figure out how to design a set.
And how to fake like I care for a manifesto.
And how to write this paper.
And how to be perfect.
And how to make it til my birthday.
And how to casually invite someone out to get drinks.
And how to make him say yes.
And how to get him a fake ID cause I dont think he's old enough...



and yeah i think thats it.

i'm a small town girl...

Lab was cancelled today.
Good thing too. Cause I did not want to be there.
I'm just over it at the moment.
But yeah...

I want to approach someone,
And I just don't know how to.
Explain to me what I should do to initiate it.
I'm bad at these kind of things.



God, I am a broken record.
But if its true, its true.
And it is true.
I just don't know.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be a set designer.
My thumbnails that I'm drawing for Collaboration are horrible.
Well, not horrible.
But pretty damn bad.
I do not have the drawing skills required for this.
Or any idea what I'm doing at all.

Awesome.






"we can do better than that." <3.

Why do I get my hopes up?

I shouldn't.
I really should work to fix myself.
Not get so "!" over the tiniest things
But its just an automatic reaction.
I try and I try.
But I can't do it.
I'm just one of those people.
I like to have crushes.
I like to get my hopes up.
Unfortunately, I get let down.And then I get upset.
And then I bounce back.
And then I get my hopes up once more.
Its a continuous vicious cycle.
And I hate it.
And I love it.
And I can't give it up.
No matter how much I claim I want to.

And so I won't work to fix myself.
I'll do things like claim I'm going to, as I just did.
But I know I won't.
I'll keep going
The same way I always do.
And maybe eventually it'll work out.

He felt like the sun to me on those cold November nights...

Its getting cold now.
Suddenly the temperature has drastically dropped.
As I write this it is only 52 degrees outside.
Something of a major decrease, wouldn't you say?

But anyways.
I had my advising meeting with Gene at which both of us were slightly lost.
But I'm thinking it will work out.
I have a general idea of the classes I want to take, and there are two options that I would need to be signed into but I don't think that will be an issue.
My only fear is of my 8:30 writing class.
I can barely make it to the 10 o'clock writing, 8:30 might be an unsurmountable challenge.
But hopefully I will make it through. Nicole is a cool enough teacher to let things like absences or passing out in class fly.

I've been thinking.
I get far too invested into people and happenings far too fast.
I just like to dive in, feet first.
But thats also a way to get hurt.
I don't think of the repercussions that go with my actions, instead I act and then afterward I get a rush of everything that could possibly go wrong. But its never really before hand, its always after the fact.
Which is bad news.



I hoped you would call.
I don't know why I thought it would happen.
I just thought that there might be some follow through finally.
After such a long time of skirting the issue or even communication in general, I thought a wall had been broken through.
But maybe not.
Or maybe you don't even remember it.
Thats more likely.
At least thats what I'm telling myself.
It makes me feel better.
Slightly.

This November swallows me whole.

I haven't done this in a long time but I'm gonna try the every day of the month posting once more.
I just feel like when i do this it gives me something more to look back on.

And so... lets start November off with a bang.

I just actually gave someone my number didn't I?
Someone I haven't even seen in... I don't know how many months.
Who am I?

And further more I have a meeting in about 6 hours with Gene for advising so we can figure out what the hell to do with my classes. Damned scheduling.
And even further...
I don't know what to do about this situation.
I want to be like, hey you're cool. lets hang out.
but this is just such a small group that it would get around like that.
so i cant even tell anyone what i'm even thinking about cause yeah...
i shouldnt even be writing this cause so much could be inferred.
ughhhhhh.


also everyone should wish for matt to break things this afternoon.
because he's gonna walk in that room, sing his little spring awakening heart out and the casting people are gonna be like "oh yeah thats why we called you back again. bitch, you hired." (at least this is how it works in my head, followed shortly thereafter by me coming to visit him in his dressing room where the two of us are singing and they just happen to hear it and go "oh shit, you too. you're cast" and i say "but i never auditioned" and they say "are you really fighting this? " and i say "no." and then i'm in a real show. the end.
and then bare is remounted off broadway and me being a big spring awakening star that i am would bring some star quality to it, so they cast me as nadia and everything is right in the world.

David Blaine (or Mitch Silpa) is my hero.

Street Magic.....
its crazyyyyyy







amazing...

I've heard people talk. They say they don't understand the whole 'blogging' thing. They can't wrap their head around it. They wouldn't know what to write.
Who said you need to know?
Since when were there rules about what you could write.
I honestly don't come in here (and I obviously am using the word 'in' loosely) with a plan.
I just start somewhere, write a bit, and end up somewhere else.
Its just the way things go.


But yeah... thats all.


I'm not sure what I should do about this situation.
I'm close to giving up and retreating again but I want to persue too.
I hate decisions, especially ones that no body else can make for me.
Damned things with the stuff.

I've been thinking that I want to go up to New York and make bad decisions again.
I felt stupid immediately afterward but really in retrospect it was fun.
And I could go for some fun, now.
But I won't.
I won't end up going back up there until December when its time for Mattttttt's birthday.
When we will both be 21 and get blissfully inebriated, legally too.
ANd who knows who I'll meet then...
Lets hope for someone,
And if not then, than even sooner.


I really jsut need a kiss,
I know I already said this, but I am the broken record.
And i know what I want, what I need.
So somebody, some boy needs to fix this. Please. For my sanity.

I know who I'd like it to be , but thats not going to happen. Defintily not yet and possibly never with the idiocy I portray.
Ugh. Why am I me?

Its 3 am, I must be lonely...

So i've been thinking about it.

Time goes by far too fast.
At least it does now.
Last year time crawled. It went at a turtles pace and I hated it. I just wanted it to be done.
Here I love it, and its flying by.
But I still want it to be done- or as close to done as possible.
Like... November 28 perhaps?
That would be quite plesant.
Verily.


Now, I still can't sleep.
I've been laying here trying.
And nothing working. So I've slightly given up.
I now am laying here in the dark praying that this fan will cool me down slightly and that sleep will come.
But I'm listening to old Starting Line. (Its a nostalgic thing)

I could probably go into the kitchen upstairs to try and get a bit of work done for Fielder's class Friday.
But I'd rather not have an extreme exposure to all the mold as it was uncovered behind our cabinets this morning when "Maint. Frank" as he refers to himself, pulled all of our cabinets off the wall and down from the ceiling to make room for the new ones, to be installed.... soon.
Today lets hope.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I've been thinking.
I am going to be 21 in a little over a month.
That is a big birthday.
Its one of the milestone years.
I could go out and get trashed legally, and then gamble my life away in Atlantic City.
I won't.... the gambling part at least.
But I jsut feel like I am so lackign in life experiences for someone my age.
I mean there is plenty I have done that others haven't or I'm equal with other people.
But for the most part I feel like I'm behind the curve.
I want to catch up.
I just don't know how.
Its hard to explain.
And I'm not sure how to say it.

But yeah....



And also I really need to be kissed.
I just really want someone to kiss me.
It doesn't matter who he is (well thats a lie) but I want to be kissed.
Just good and kissed. Now.

Someone work on that for me, would ya?




Oh and I'm totaly school girl crushing on someone a little tiny tin bit cause he's mostly amazing, with the exception of a few tiny things.... but I like those tiny things too. For the most part.
Ugh I'm a loser.

For now , I scooted closer, until we were touching. Knee to knee, arm to arm, forehead to forehead. I leaned in for once, instead of away, appreciating the pull I felt there, something almost magnetic that held us to each other. I knew it would always be there, no matter how much of the world I put between us. That strong sense of what we shared, good and bad, that led us to here, where my own story began.

give me some credit...
please?


like... maybe?




it seems that i get taken advantage of.
people dont give credit where credit is due.
i do what is needed and someone else claims it was all them.
or they gloss over me.
or ignore me.
or whatever.

and it kinda sucks.



this is fairly unprovoked.
i just felt it needed saying.


i should get back to studying.


but i really don't want to.

i can't wait to go to fd tomorrow.
i'm just kind of scared.
i dont know why... but i have this irrational fear that everyone will be like "you left? seriously? i didn't even notice..."
my paranoia at an all time high.
if that does happen it will most definitly back up my irrational fear that i dont matter.
because i do have one-
i'm insanely paranoid that i am making no mark on this world, and on no one in it.
they may say i am but wheres the proof?
i know i've never een one for math or science but they do have one good thing- empirical evidence.
you can't knock that down....
but what people say- that can be pushed away with the flourish of a hand.

hmm...
back to survey.

i should be asleep and yet...

quite obviously i am not. or since i am awake i should be working on my analysis of buying time.
and yet again- obivously i am not. i am here. on blogger whom i have neelected this past week.
it is now october (sick right?) time is going by so quickly. i feel like i never have time to do anything but school work.
which i know is completely untrue but it just sounds so dramatic i felt it necessary to say.
but honestly i have a ton of work. due within the next three days.
a costume design project due wednesday.
an anaylsis of buy time due thursday.
a survey of theater test on 4 units friday.
since when was art school supposed to be hard? honestly...
but i will get it all done.
the design project is pretty much complete. and my design is pretty kickass if you ask me.
I chose Dog Sees God as the play I was designing for and the specific character who i had to do rendering of is CB'c Sister (aka Sally from Peanuts) I chose her from the beginning of the play when she is in her goth phase.
My concept of her is very Gothic Lolita- a lot of black and red and a babydoll dress with a minitop hat. hot.

I cannot wait till this weekend.
FDU here I come.
I miss them all so much.
Like seriously that place was my life for two whole years.
ANd then to be cut off completely like this.
I haven't set foot on that campus since May, which may not seem like a long time
But for me to have not seen my friends since then- it seems like an eternity.
There is only so much catching up and bonding one can do over the phone and the internet.
Face to face is always better that facebook to facebook.

This past weekend I went to College Day on the Parkway. It was kinda eh- but everyone else came too.
And by everyone else I mean home friends.
It was Colleen, Feesh, Erin, Amy, Minkus and I. Reunitied and it feels so good.
But seriously it as so great to see them all.
If only the rest of the group could've made it.
But alas they could not so we made due and quite obviously survived...
Unless I'm writing this from beyond the graveeee (you can't hear it but that totally meant to be read in the creepy cliche voice used on tv for things like that. i swear it was funny in my head)

I am starting to feel bogged down under the weight of my responsibilities.
And they aren't even that many.
But I just have so much to do all the time.
Today I had class from 11:30-2:20, work study from 2:20-5-ish, and ballet from 5:30-7. and then i came back here and had my first meal of the day. it was not a wise move to go to ballet without eating anything. but i didn't get a break all day so thats what happens. tomorrow (or today at this point) will be better. 2 classes, one at 1 and one at 5:30. Costumes and Modern. And inbetween it will be filled with Buying Time analysis. ANd I will not be distracted by instant messenger or myspace (i'll use ichat and facebook instead! hah.)


it completely amazes me how much i can connect with a song or with a written piece. or with anything....
its inspiring really.

i've decided if i can find a collaborator.. somewhere. i'd really like to use this play i've started as my senior project.
i know thats atleast three years away but i started writing this and i feel really good about it, better than i did about the postsecret project which i loved with all my heart while i was doing it. the ostsecret project is the reason i'm here i think. amy actually laughed when she was reading some of the monologues, and looked thoughtful during others- and at the appropriate times. it was pretty sweet. i was so nervous about those... and then to hav eher approval of sort and then to get in here based on that and now to get my scholarship based on my prospective excellence... its a big vote of confidence from her and gene that i don't know that i truely deserve but i will gladly take with open arms, because i need it.
i have no confidence most of the time in my own work...

but what i'm writing right now...
i really like it.
and if i only had someone who could write music we'd be set.
i already have lyrics for two songs and additional scenes.
plus majority of the story mapped out.
and on paper- not just in my head!
how could i go about finding someone to work with.
i mean, its not like i go to a university with an entire schoolvof music attached...
wait a minute...

thanks..

thanks for playing my romantic lead
even if only in the version i colorized
i fantasized you and i
on a porch swing watching a sunset somewhere
and thanks for playing your part so well
i came out of it all with a briused heart
but, what the hell
i felt some things i must have needed to remember...

http://www.youtube.com/caitadelphia


check it.

peer pressure will make you do things like this.

do you feel better?

Better...
So much Better...

but seriously.
This past week, even with the insane amounts of work and the constant pain from an overly tedious ballet class, has been so much better. It's great. Or at least getting greater than it was.
Long walks, Friends, Jamican, JRB, and Script Analysis.
Find a conversation you can have, and have it.

And then make a youtube of yourself singing and feel like an ass when people actually watch it.

And then get a scholarship for just doing what you do.


All together a good week.
But one thing could make it so much better...
And theres still one day left.

long winded and ranty and fueled by cheap, wonderful coffee.

I sat and I waited. I hoped that something would happen.
I sat and I watched. I watched couples and parents and children and pets.
There was what seemed to be a vast amount of happiness around me.
And I tried to let it rub off on me.
To feel this same happiness and possibly even the euphoria and freedom of the young boy reaching into the fountain and his mother held his feet so he wouldn’t fall in.
But rather than feel free or happy or careless or anything I felt confined.
I felt as though I was stuck.
I am stuck.
I’ve barely been here and I’ve already resigned myself to the role that I always play.
Quiet. Lonely.
I try to break out, but old habits die-hard.
It is a nice fit and an automatic place for m e to feel comfortable, and so it is where I end up being.
I don’t try. It just happens.
I sat on the fountain wall, reading and observing. Randomly letting my feet dip below the surface of the water.
And as I sat I saw what I want.
People in relationships and happy.
I want that.
And it is so not me.
I am the first person to say that I am not a relationship person.
They practically give me hives. The thought of the confinement, almost.
But now… I want that. I want to feel secure. I want to be able to call someone and just talk to him and have a conversation and be normal and regular and have a rhythm within our talking and a comfort level and an attraction and maybe something deeper. I know that there is much, much more to any relationship but I don’t care.
I want to be able to go out with a boy.
And just have something.
I want the happy, easygoing air that the people in the park had.
I want it now.

I don’t want to sit and watch anymore.
I want to be the person that someone like me could see walking through the park hand in hand with another person and they’ll go “Wow. I wish I had that.”
I want to be my own envy.
I want. I want. I want.
But I don’t know how to get it.
I don’t know what to do.
And I know what I don’t want.
Who I don’t want.
And I’m sorry to them. It is still a no.
It’s just to odd.
But I want with someone else what they want with me.
Want. Want. Want.

Maybe even need.
Who’s to say?
I don’t know hat I need. It may be a relationship.
It may just be a fling.
It may just be a kiss.
But it could also be everything.
Life would be so much easier if I could just figure out what it was that I wanted.
I could stop focusing on everything else and instead zero in on what I really want.
Focus on what really matters.
Think about who really matters.
Right now my mind is everywhere.
Focusing on everything.
Thinking about everyone.

Too many thoughts.

My phone is sitting to the right of my wrist.
I keep hoping it will ring.
I don’t know who it is I’m hoping to call but I’m keeping it there like I’m really expecting someone to call me.
But I know no one will. With the exception of maybe my sister.
But she’s working so not even her.
I am so socially awkward.
I wish I could change that. I need to become more comfortable.
But its too much of a challenge. I like being liked but I don’t like the effort I need to put forth in order to have people want to like me. It’s a complex issue. I have many of those.
I’m ranting. But that’s okay.
I’m sitting at The Last Drop.
I’m drinking my large to-go coffee and using their free internet, because here I know I’m not stealing and it won’t back out on me at any moment like it does at the apartment.
There is a girl sitting to my right, next to my cell phone. She’s drawing someone here, I don’t know who it is though. I randomly try to catch view, quick glimpses of what and who it is she’s drawing but I can’t see. Her left arm is obscuring it. Oh well.
I saw The Woolgatherer this afternoon. It was well done. “Beautiful…”
There was a speech in it that Cliff made to Rose (obviously as they are the only two characters in the entire play) but it was about why he was there, and about how even though he was halfway home he couldn’t get her out of his mind and he had to turn around to see her, if he could. If I can find Jessica’s copy of the script I will post it here. Its just that good It needs to be read. Trust me. At least as far as I can remember it does.

It’s so odd. I’m starting this “new life” but within this new place I am falling back onto the old me completely. And even when I try to break free of that old me I am put back there by someone else. No matter who I meet they end up knowing me as Jessica’s sister. I have been known as Jessica’s sister my entire life. I did have a brief respite when I was at Fairleigh. But now I’m here. And she’s got two years on me. And many friends compared to my very few. She as everything while it seems that I have so little. And so everyone I meet will know me as Jessica’s sister. Once more. I’m going back to the role I have played all my life, since second grade when I had my first teacher, Mrs. Price, who had also taught Jessica. In the years to follow I would have others who had taught Jessica or/and Nicholas. But that was the first time that I was referred to as Jessica’s sister by a teacher. I was not allowed to be just Caitlin. I had to be Jessica’s sister, Caitlin. I don’t resent that at all. I understand that it is just a part of my life, a part of who I am. But I cannot always be her. I can’t always be the other version of Jessica. The lesser version. I need ot get to a place where I can be a whole, complete version of myself I need to learn who I am. I need to find who Caitlin is. And then maybe I can step out of this shadow I’ve had cast over myself, that I have gladly stood in for the past twenty years. Maybe 21 will be my age. It could be my golden year. I could find myself, and someone else, and legal alcohol all at once.

Georges Perec.

I just read him fr the first time today and I already love this French modernist stuff.
Species of Spaces- The Bedroom. Love it.
For my FYW class we needed to take one of the samples from Species of Spaces and rewrite it as our own, taking an entire page.
I chose Placd small thought no 2.
Perec's says "The passage of time (my History) leaves behind a residue that accumulates: photographs, drawings, the corpses of long since dried-up felt-pens, shirts, non-returnable glasses and returnable glsses, cigar wrappers, tins, erasers, postcards, books, dust and kickknacks: this is what I call my fortune. "

Thats the extent of the sample so to extend something like that is a bit difficult becase he doesn't go into detail, but I decided to detail it up. And I'm actaully really proud of what I did. I don't care if its exact, its my own interpretation and I like what I did with it. And yes, its very stream-of-conciousness, but whatever. And to warn if your reading this you might find somethings within that you recognize. And so...


Day go by, passing one into another. Nothing to show but an accumulation of stuff, junk. Miscellaneous items meaning nothing, or something. Remove a box from a shelf and what do you find: scraps of paper, ripped and crumbling, snatches of words legible through the folds, “Love ya, Shannon!” or “What happened with Adam?” Meaningful or meaningless? A flowered card wishing “the Best” from Rob. The results of a failed game of MASH, living in a shack with 17 kids. A peg game. A paper plate “Sweetest.” Hockey memorabilia. A rainbow admittance bracelet. A hospital bracelet. A voter registration card. A British pound. A singing birthday card - “Mmm-Bop.” A wooden ruler. Collections of poetry, bad and good. A card, filled with writing, recollections, and Pamela Anderson. A Grassroots Inc. script for getting money on the street. A collection of snapshots; nine smiling girls on a beach. A sign reading “Homecoming 2004, Go Juniors!” A boy in a suit and a girl in a dress, smiling and happy. A group of young students, none older that four years, awkwardly still around a teacher. A line of cheerleaders waiting for competition scores, expectation and dread on their faces. Three children, one an infant, sitting on the lap of an elderly man in flannel. Four young women on a train, invincible for a moment. Everything and nothing. Postcards of insults, postcards of secrets, letters of hellos and goodbyes- all never sent. Burned down candles, broken necklaces. Doodles and drawings and diagrams of life choices. Pro and Con. Yes and No. A box of cigarettes still unopened. A green plastic lump labeled PICKELEFOUR. A red leather book, filled to the brim with quotes. Ads for plays, flyers for shows, concert tickets and playbills. At the bottom a folded fortune teller. “Yellow, Green, Red, or Blue.” The entirety of my life kept within a box on a shelf. Junk meaning nothing and everything.

I love you, but...

Right now I have that same feeling to where I am. I love you but...

I love this school and this education and this environment but...
I miss my friends. I miss my teachers. I just miss things.

And although you might not know it I am an incredibly shy person. I do not do well when thrust into social situations where everyone knows each other already and I'm the odd one out. Not to say that everyone already knows each other here, but I feel like since they live in the dorms together and did all those dumb bonding things at the night activities during orientation everyone really does know each other. And I'm just standing there awkwardly shadowing my sister cause its the easiest thing for me to do.

I panic when I don't know anyone. I get awkward and just odd. I can't deal with it. So instead I leave. Right now I could be at the "Welcome Back/Kickoff" party for all theater majors. Instead I'm in the apartment. I was there for 10 minutes-ish and then I left because I just couldn't do it. I can't meet people in situations like that, especially when they're all familiar already. It's just too hard for me. I'm shy. People don't realize that, but I truly am a very shy person. I end up curling into myself and avoiding everyone, new and old.

I wish I knew how to move on, or that I could make new friends quicker and easier but I can't. I need someone else's help to introduce me, or to spark a conversation or just something. How am I supposed to be a adult and have an issue like that? How am I supposed to make friends? Expand my horizons? Find someone to connect with? I won't. So I really do need to get over that... But it's just so hard.

i don't care if washington square is a ghost town.
i like it there.

today i went to school for yet another day of orientation.
these days are unending and i am exhusted... but i love it too much to care.
today was finally advising and scheduling for us crazy transfers.
i have classes to take finally!
color me excited.


anyways today i had a perfect hour or so.
it was in washington square.
i had a long break between the lecture and the actual meeting with amy, the woman in charge of my education and life for the next few years, so i decided to go to the park.
i had a book and free time so it seemed like the thing to do.
so i went, after stopping at starbucks for a tea, and i sat.
i found a bench in the sun and read 'eclipse'.
i got pulled into the world of bella and edward and jacob and everything.
and then i put my book down for a bit.
and i jsut sat.
i reveled in all that was around me.
there was a group of women, babysitters, taking groups of children around the park.
a young mother was playing with her two sons as they had a picnic.
some construction workers were on their lunch break, basking in the sunlight and the fresh air on the benchs opposite me.
a girl, my age, was walking a group of dogs on a rotation. her work, i'm guessing.
but as i sat there i realized that i was part of this.
everything that was going on was part of life and the city and everything.
and now i'm part of it.
i am in philadelphia.
at least i will be living there within the next few days.
and until then i'm taking the train there daily.
but it just hit me all at once that all of that, the city of philadelphia and everything in it, is now mine.
i keep expecting someone to come up and pinch me saying"just kidding! have fun in north jersey!"
and i know thats not going to happen, but everything that is happening has bene what i've wanted for so long that it just seems so surreal...
i don't know what i'm really saying but...
please don't pinch me because if this isn't real i don't want to wake up.

Has there ever been an instance where you couldn't believe something you did? In your head all you can hear is your own voice saying "What am I doing? Whats going on? This is not me." But it is. No matter how out of character it is - this is you,
That happened to me. Last night.

He kissed me like he meant it. It was sweet and intense and then I just lost it. I kissed him back. I just let go . I went with the moment. And as I did, I didn't feel like me. But at the same time, I did. It was almost freeing- almost. I felt his stubble scratching my skin, his tongue ring hitting my teeth, fighting with me. It was the strangest sensation,. Exhilarating and petrifying at the same time. But I didn't know who I was. I am not the reckless abandon girl. I do not make out with people I've know for a total of two hours. Its just not who I am. And as much as I'd like to blame it on the tequila, it was my own doing. I flirted and played. When he asked if he could kiss me I complied. I was willing, maybe even eager.
Afterward, I looked in the mirror. I thought that I could see it. I could tell what I'd been doing in that hallway. My lips were red from his. My hair mussed by his hands. And I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do. So I laughed.
When he asked for my phone number I said no. We live two hours away. It just didn't seem like the way it should be. So to shut him up I kissed him again, hiding from everyone else as they walked around the corner. And then he was leaving. It was past 3am already. The bar was closed, everyone leaving. And I kissed him again. Goodbye. Infront of everyone on the streets of Manhattan.

Who was I last night?




(Things to Ruin was amazing.
I think I love Joe Iconis - maybe i'm just inlove with a punk rocker named joe?)

I hate the phone, but I wish you'd call.

There's a myth that every seven years there is a renewal that takes place within the body, cells replacing themselves. According to this idea you become a "new" person every seven years, at least. I know it's not true, but its such a nice idea that I can't resist it. Going on this theory, you could be a completely "different" person every seven years.
I still have moments today where I feel like a fourteen year old girl, so maybe it is time for a change.
Since I'm going to be 21 in a matter of months it may be the beginning of a new time, a new chapter. Time to start anew, open up a new book of my life. Move on. Forget about those people that were holding me back, tying me to the past. Not my friends. I can't let go of them. They're there for me. I mean those people who I really have no connection to other than memories that I live in from time to time. It's time I finally get past certain people. One specifically is one I need to get past. I know it is never going to happen. As if the impending marriage weren't enough, the lack of anything over the past how many years should be a clue. I have this image of him in my mind that I've been building up since... far longer that I'd like to admit. Its not real. And even if it was real, it's not mine. He's not mine.
Every crush I've had since I was in 8th grade. No matter how "over" it and them I may be there is still a little part of me, deep in my heart and my head, that is holding out. That goes pitter-patter at the thought of them, at the sound of their name. It may only be a little flutter, but its there nonetheless. And it needs to be done away with. And soon.
I'm not sure how one goes about cutting someone from their heart, especially when the memory of them still exists, and probably always will, but I need to do this. To move on with my life. I will never find the same sort of attraction as I did to one, the banter I had with another, or the history we shared. But thats okay. Maybe I can find a deeper attraction, more clever banter, and start making my own history...

Into the Woods is now.
You should come see it.
Sacred Heart, Mount Holly.
Saturday - 8pm.
Sunday- 3 pm.
You will laugh and cry and maybe dance a bit.

But in other news.
LBI starting tomorrow (technically, but not really till Sunday night)
If you wanna come down call me.
If you're gonna stay bring your own pillow and towels.
Thats all we really ask.

And now I'm off.

you'll never know...

i never know what to say when i've taken a sabbatical of sort from this.
do i update on the meaningless things i've done? do i write about whats coming?
do i scream and rant about the futility of life as we know it?
what shall i say?

how about this.
i have no money.
my job doesn't give me nearly enough money for the few hours they allow me to work. thus i am incredibly poor, even after getting a paycheck today.
into the woods is rapidly approaching, like opening on thursday,
i'm scared and excited all at once.
and on stage i am going to look hideous, but in a good way, an old person-ish way.
i am never meant to be an old person i'm thinking by the way i looked in the make up.
anyways.
beachhouse starts on saturday. show ends on sunday.
theres a bit of spillover but its being dealt with and i will be at the house to stay by sunday night.
you are welcome to come and play so long as you have somewhere to stay. call the cell.
i'm getting anxious and excited about the coming month. August.
So muhc is happening.
The Show, The Beach, The School, The Apartment (we think), and LIFE in general.
Its just rushing forward.
This summer has breezed by so fast, I don't know what to say about it.
I feel like it should still be mid-June and here it is the last days of July.
Am I missing out? Is time really just flying?
Or did I just let the summer pass me by?

Just so you know I will not be homeless this coming school year. Starting September 1st Jessica, John and I will have somewhere to live. Woo. And its adorable so that always helps.

Okay so I was by myself at work today and I randomly got inspired and started writing a monologue that is now leading into a whole play. I already have three scenes done and a fourth started! But anyways. The opening is a monologue.

LIGHTS UP

Alison, a twenty three year old from "anywhere", sits in the middle of the stage. She is applauding someone who just addressed the "group". She congratulates this person on their bravery and ability to speak so candidly about their life when she abruptly stops and looks up as if called on.

Alison: Oh, its my turn? Oh... Okay then. Well, hi. My names Alison and... I date unavailable men. Well, actually no that's not true, I don't date them, at least not usually. Most of the time these men are so unavailable that we can't even get to the dating stage. Maybe we'll do the pre-dating talking thing but it never gets beyond that. I've been wondering why this happens for awhile now and I think I've finally come to a conclusion.

I have horrible taste. Well, no, not horrible but its like I don't see these guys as they really are. I see them as intelligent and cute and funny- which is the complete truth, but I always miss out on the one big thing. The huge part of who they are and how they live their lives. Ya know what I mean? No? Well... how else can I say it... Ummm... Its like they would date me, love me, marry me, sex me except for the fact that they don't... you know, they don't... screw it. They're gay! I always fall for gay men. God knows what this says about me and my psyche- but its the truth. Maybe its because I've grown up doing theater so I spent more time with gay boys than straight. But wouldn't you be able to tell who's gay and who's straight easier from having so much experience with them? Apparently not! Maybe I just have really bad gay-dar, or I'm so desperate for a man I'll take anything. All I know is I always pick out the gays.

There's a joke my friends have. They always say "How do you know if a guy is gay? If you show him to Alison and she likes him!" (deadpan)Hah. I've always thought that one was hilarious. Truly a knee-slapper. But... I digress.

So yeah. That is my issue. And no I'm not attracted to gay men because I'm secretly a lesbian. I've heard that theory thrown around and I'm just not biting. In all honesty the thought of "being" with another girl... it just skeeves me out. I mean no offense to lesbians or anything... but its just not my cup of tea. Ya know?

But, yes. That is my problem, really bad gay-dar coupled with a desperate need to be loved. And the result of that combo- me.

LIGHTS DOWN





maybe let me know what you think?
its rough and just an idea of sorts from when i was sitting at things remembered doing nothing all morning cause we had no customers. but i kind of like it... maybe?

I don't know what other people see
or what they think is love
But I know what it means to me
I fall in love so easily
And it's hard to let your guard down
Something you never wanted to
I gave you my love and if you turned away
I guess i'd be screwed, but...

I'm a hopeless romantic
You're just hopeless

Beer and wine does me fine but
it doesn't always do
When i get back up and dust off
I always come back to you.
I'm my own man with my own plan
I can't do the things you want me to
I'm kinda lazy and I kinda stink
But I'll clean myself up for you

Oh my God I must have blinders on or something.
How do I not know these things?Am I that oblivious?
Just chalk it up to bad taste one more time.
How can I be so blind?
Idiot.



Anyways.. I should be at work right now.
I was on the schedule from 1 til 5.
Yet here I am. At home. At 2:30 in the afternoon...
Something about this doesn't add up.
Maybe it is because there was no one there when I walked into the mall.
The store was locked.
The gate was down. The lights were off.
Its not like I have a key or any way of getting in,
and even if I did get in I have no idea what to do or where anything is.
I am still training! I have worked three days so far.
I am not ready to do anything like that.
So the store was closed.
And I didn't get the memo, cause someone decided to not come in.
And now there are a ton of angry people (this is all a guess) who wanted their items today. Who were planning on picking up gifts for Fathers Day. Today. And then giving thme to their fathers.
And now they don't have them. And they'll be angry.
And if I have to go into work and deal wit hany of them- I will be angry too.
Even more than I am right now.
I might only be losing $28. But still. That is $28 that I don't have right now.




Moving on...


I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


I was stupid. And I made a bad choice.
Don't hold it against me.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I'm human. Its what we were designed to do.
I don't know what else to do...

i officially have a job.
i start in less than ten hours.
fun.

party in maryland on saturday night was interesting.
phone calls are never good ideas. ever.
especially not when you are drinking unknown alcohols.

into the woods will be good.
it must be.


and maybe...


maybe it is time to stop wishing.
take a risk. make a choice.
everything might be up to chance.
but sometimes you need to push chance along- right?

they pulled the last video.
thats depressing.

anyways.

just saw knocked up.
i liked a fair amount.



tonight it holy cross' graduation.
i want to go.
but i have no means of transportation at the moment.
its times like this i actually regret not being able to drive.

watch the whole dance.
it is my favorite piece of choreography i've seen in a long time.
i remembe rloving it last summer and now seeing it agian i remember why.
mia is a genius. heidi and travis execute it beautifully.
and its perfect.

in exactly six months from today i will be twentyone and invincible.


and happy memorial day.


(i hope whatever we talk about actually happens. lets not allow plans to fall through again)

The Feel Good Revolution

Come by when you get off work
I'll be sitting around doing nothing
Let's wait until the sun goes down
Then we'll drive off deep into the night
Don't care where we're going
As long as I'm going with you

The summer swells in us
With the heat comes a new kind of wanting
Cool nights never cooled us off
Lay around wait for something to happen

But it's three lonely figures
A bedroom, a basement, she's scared
Which one is sleeping and which one is lying awake?
Yeah, which one is sleeping and which one is lying about it?

Afternoon drags on and on
Movie nights that never end
We can hang out all night long
Lay in bed and talk to a good friend
Because we only get older
And we'll probably forget what it's like

The university is quiet today
Didn't clean, we just talked in the bathroom
The girl always gets in the way
Ruined friendships, but others replace them
These opinions are poison
Been drinking them all of my life
Can never replace you
Could never forget what it's like

Step out on a moonlit roof
The radio leads a feel good revolution
Cigarettes and my closest friends
Tell myself that I have to remember this
Remember this
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember this
To remember this

So Arctic Express has yet to contact me.
I'm calling tomorrow night to see whats up.
I did call earlier today but the manager wasn't there.
I also applied at Things Remembered in the Burlington Center.
Hopefully I will be hired. I need a job.
Like immediately.
I can't spend all of my time at home.
And I can't keep taking my moms money.
I feel bad.

First music rehearsal tomorrow. Excitement and trepedation abound.
LBI trip was on Tuesday. It was freezing but we dealt with it.
Amy, Dimp and I. We had fun all the same.


I want to talk to you.
I don't know how to.
I feel bad. I know it was over a year ago... at least the first infraction was.
But I still feel bad.
And then there was whatever happened this past fall.
I'm still not sure what that was. But I'm sorry. I know that much.
Please talk to me.
Approach me.
Something me!

I wanted to IM you... but I'm scared.
How pathetic is that?
I'm scared to click and say "Hi"
I'm a sad little girl.
Very sad.

Although it's something you have never thought about Mr Maraczek, Try Me!

Hire me.
Give me a job.


I handed in my application to Arctic Express.
Hopefully they will call me back and say "Why of course we wil hire you! You would be a wonderful addition to our workforce!"
That would be incredible.


Otherwise. I am screwed.