I'm not too sure what my issue is. It's like...
I just can't make up my mind about what I think or feel.

I can't differentiate between my feelings for certain people. Everything gets muddled up. I don't know whats up and whats down. I just wish I could sort myself out. I can't do this anymore. Too much feeling. If thats possible. I mean, I contain it. I can hold it back. But it's eating me up inside. Its twisting my heart and soul. Well, maybe not that dramatic but its certainly screwing with my head. I just want something concrete and established and understandable. I want to be able to look at someone and not feel jealous of what they have. I want it for myself. And I always seem to want it with someone I can't have that with. Someone who is completely unavailable to me. Maybe not closed off, but just not for me. They either belong to another person or there is some reason we're not meant to be, sometimes due to circumstances beyond my control.


Sometimes I think I am schizophrenic. Well, maybe not schizophrenic. Casually assuming the monkier without proper medical diagnosis is lightly melodramtic and disrespectful to true sufferers of the disease. But I do sometimes feel like Sybil with two versions of me rattling and banging around in my brain, arm wrestling each other for dominance. There is the Wannadoer" and the "Wishidinter": carefully thoughout nicknames for my alter egos. The "Wannadoer" stares and watches the world with eager fascination, jonesing for a taste of the high life. The life of dark bars, dark-haired men, and leather-panted experiences worthy of a Playboy spread. The "Wishidinter" tosses and turns in bed, spitting out the taste of sour kisses and reddening at the memory of my ill-prepared ass trying to strut beautifully dyed cowhide around town. The "Wannadoer" leaps into escapade, falls head over heels in love at a simple hello, ignores rational thought in favor of high-relief fantasy, and has a gold neon aive sign flashing on her brow in broad daylight. The "Wishidinter" scolds herself for chilish romance, tries to prevent an immature heart from beating the tom-tom for the wrong guy, picks up the scattered pieces after the inevitable fall. Both creatures seem very normal, very human. What person does not have both sage and the sucker lurking within? However mine exist at the same time, all the time, and most of the time they initiate conversation or argument with each other no matter the circumstance. In simple terms, I talk to myself, a lot, everywhere. I talk myself into things, out of things, around things, and through things." -Girl Anatomy

Final.

Its strange to think about things that happen in your life. The moments that really make you who you are. That define you. It seems to me a lot of the time these moments can be ones you didn't necessarily think would be so important. It's not until later, with hindsight, that you realize how much hinged upon one decision. One thought. One moment.

You make a decision. You leap. Or you hide under the covers. You chose to work as hard as humanly possible. Or you decide to slack off for the time. You take a real true risk. Or you play it safe. You open yourself up completely to any and all possibilities. Or you close yourself off.

I'm not sure what is it that I'm talking about or where exactly I'm going with this but I know that these moments are happening every day, every second really. These tiny, infinitesimal, immeasurable changes. All the time.

It scares me sometimes to think like this. That time is just going by and that every little thing I do will eventually add up to something big and that will be the sum total of my life. What will i have to show for myself? What will there be to speak of when someone says "Caitlin Reed" ?

I'm being overly dramatic and morose but its just the kind of day I'm having.

I don't know what else to do but ponder these kind of thoughts. Over think, as I always do, and while away the hours with contemplations on nothing.

God that was such an overblown sentence. Pardon me, when I get to rambling I end up sounding pompous. Its not intentional. Its just what happens unfortunately. A part of the job- or the me in this case.

I'm so odd. Just ignore all of this. i don't evne know why I'm writing anymore.
{robably because i'm in the box office and feel like theres nothign better for me to do cause there is nothing going on. We have an incredibly tiny audience for the show tonight and no calls and I just feel absolutely useless at the moment. So yay. Go me. and all that jazz.

The end. I'm going to return to wasting time on twitter or facebook or cheesy internet games that I can't seem like such and asshole with, as I do right now with what I'm typing.

Peace.

You can be Henry Miller and I will be Anaïs Nin, but this time will be even better.
We'll stay together in the end...

"I love you for millions and millions of things, clocks and vampires and dirty nails..."

" ...and squiggly paintings and lovely hair and being dizzy and falling dreams."

i want a dylan to my caitlin.

"Tell me everything; when you'll be out again, where you'll be at Christmas and that you think of me and love me... I don't want you for a day (though I'd sell my toes to see you now my dear, only for a minute, to kiss you once and make a funny face at you): a day is the length of a gnat's life: I want you for the lifetime of a big, mad animal, like an elephant.

"You'll never, I'll never let you, grow wise, and I'll never, you shall never let me, grow wise and we'll always be young and unwise together . . . I love you so much, I'll never be able to tell you; I'm frightened to tell you."


"I don't want to write words, words, words to you; I must see you and hear you; it's hell writing to you now . . . you are really my flesh and blood Caitlin whom I love more than anyone has loved anyone else. It's nonsense me living without you, you without me: the world is very unbalanced unless in the very centre of it we stand together all the time in a hairy, golden, more-or-less unintelligible haze of daftness."

simply beautiful...

long days.

“it is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that’s dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It’s so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can’t say the things you want to.” — Henry Rollins

Summer time...

In LBI for the 4th day, working at Surflight. Thus far its going well enough.
But thats also with no shows going on. In less than two weeks when shows are going on I may be humming a different tune.

But please send me texts, mail, email - something!

Caitlin Reed
c/o Surflight Theater
PO Box 1155
Beach Haven, NJ 08008

<333.

Also, come see

Realm of the Unreal: The Vivian Requiem

Tomorrow thru Sunday.
8pm performances.
2pm matinées on Saturday and Sunday.

Caplan Studio Theater
Terra Building
Broad and Walnut
Philadelphia PA

I've spent the past six weeks of my life working on this.
Please come see it.
<33

Forget it.

I just give up.

Intrigued. Very.


Let's see where this can go.

1973.

"They don't even know what it is to be a fan. Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts."

I really do wish I was growing up in 1973. It could be a forced nostalgia for something I barely know due to extensive viewings of Almost Famous (which Alison and I are watching right now) or it could be real longing for something simpler. Not simple. But more simple than things are now I believe. And the amazing music.

Because the music is pretty damn incredible.

I'm jealous of the people who came of age in that time period. The music was so strong and had such staying power. People still listen to it today. Its become classic in its way. What music from my time is going to be listened to in 35 years? Whats going to have staying power? The Jonas Brothers? Britney Spears? Fall Out Boy? I hope not. Because if when i have children and they think of that kind of music being the music of my generation I will... I don't even know what I'll do. The thought just scares me so much. Its horrible.

Thats when I will play custom mixes in the car ranging in bands from the mountain goats to james taylor to neutral milk hotel to bob dylan to rilo kiley to led zeppelin to the decemberists to joni mitchell or simon & garfunkle or the who.

they will be well educated. but only in things that don't suck...


i don't even know what i'm talking about.


But this is totally my favorite movie.

"You're too sweet for rock and roll."

I got my internship in lbi with SUrflight.
I don't have to stay in Philly for the summer!
And I get paid for working at the beach in a town I know insanely well.
My favorite beach town too.

Fantastic.


Nearly seven weeks left until school is done and I move to beach haven.
I can't wait.

i just think that we might get on.

Check Lists.

perfectly true.

Rainforests.

"I've fallen for you like an amazonian tree.
which is to say:
hard, fast, and although unnoticed by most
of the world's population,
not without great consequence."


http://www.kellerskards.com/images/spoonfed-large/tractor.jpg

Rilke.

You see, I want a lot.
Perhaps I want everything:
the darkness that comes from every infinite fall
and the shivering blaze of every step up.
So many live on and want nothing ...
You have not grown old, and it is not too late
to dive into your increasing depths

yes, lets.

lets just stop playing games and make out already.

To someone:

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favorite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

we cannot sleep. we'll just hold our breath tonight.

"and then it’s over. just another mistake done over. there’s no evidence here, no mark or picture frame just a name in a cell phone, stuck in my head, smelling boy in my empty twin bed or maybe i’m just conjuring some romance i read."


if only i'd had these lyrics as a reference point a few months ago.

Say Hi

Let's talk about spaceships or anything except you and me, okay?



catchy and fantastic and addicting.
love it already.
and i love my house and the people who live in it.
and other people too, <3.

Just like you said it should be we'll both forget the breeze

I have not written recently but...

Just so you know.
I could fall in love with you.
I'm not. But if I really let myself...
Who knows where I could be. What we could be.

I know this isn't expected. You have no idea.
But its true. And I don't expect anything in return.
I'm not even giving you anything more than a possibility.
But still... That's it.

I could, if I wasn't so scared.
And you weren't so clueless.
And things weren't in the way.
And life wasn't as hard as it is.
And I wasn't so afraid to be real...

Who knows what could happen.