So its been a whole week since I wrote last, but its justified.
My computer decided to commit suicide. Very not cool.
Late Wednesday night it just stopped working.
I didn't really understand why, so Thursday (when I should have been turning in a project that was due but had been lost to the depths of my computer) Joe came and looked it over. The diagnosis was not good. But also not positive.
So I figured I'll take it to the Geek Squad at BestBuy and they will fix it and hopefully everything I have saved from the past two years will be there because I have not yet begun to transfer everything over to disk for when I get my new computer a la MAC.
So Friday after Allen Cohen's class my mother was waiting outside of Dreyfuss to take me home.It was Into the Woods auditions for this summer. I sang "Take Me To The World" from Evening Primrose. And I had a monologue prepared from Street Scene. But I told the ajudicates (is thats the right word?) that I was just realizing how inappropriate the monologue was for the actual show. And so I read a scene (as did most of the people who auditioned). Mine was for Jack's Mother (blah) but its okay. Risa called me Saturday afternoon saying that callbacks were that night and to come in at 8. And so I did. But not before going to BestBuy, praying that my computer could be fixed and my information saved, or that they could just salvage my Poli Sci project (and maybe the beginnings of my Research Paper on Sondheim and Prince). But alas at the time they could not. They said the problem is either with the Motherboard or the HardDrive. If its the harddrive they can fix it in the store, but my information is gone. If its the motherboard they need to send it away to fix it, but my information will be safe. Six on way, half dozen the other. But really I hope its the motherboard. I have too many things saved- music, pictures, writings, everything! My life, really.
But anyways after that crushing dissapointment of a trip to BestBuy it was callbacks time. So I went and I ended up reading for 4 different parts, Jack's Mother (eh), Little Red (oo!), The Witch (last minute addition), and Cinderella (huh?). But it was cool. And James was there! I had no idea he was auditioning at all, of course I haven't seen him since last June, but still. Pete had called him and said to do it; and so he did. He was calledback for Jack. And he was good at it. We read together when I was being Little Red. It was fun. But anyways, she still has a few more people to see on Monday (i think?) and we will be notified in the coming week.
So now I am off to school. Without a computer. I just hate feeling so disconnected. I need contact with other people, even if it is only through a conversation online. So yes, don't expect to talk to me on IM. Or even see me on myspace or facebook too often. I will try and check once a day using the Dreyfuss computers, but who knows.
Til a much later date... <3

"and I'll still be alone..."

A moment of connection. OUr very own version of Six Degrees of Separation. Coincidence all around. Our very own 'bench scene', more introductory, exclamatory "Wow!". Not so romantic.
But still. A 'something' occurred. And then it fizzled away into nothingness.
Its like we discussed before... Those kinds of chance meetings do not happen to most people- only to a few. And it does not seem like my life is destined to be one of those, no hints of a 'great romance' coming my way.
I do understand that though. I know what my life could be like. Me, a spinster, old before my time, in a decrepit apartment filled with many cats. Frightening, depressing, all too possible. I understand that is a possibility for my future, along with everyone else's- even if it seems more likely a path for me over others. But although I accept and attempt to come to terms with that possibility I cannot assume that it is the definite path my life will follow. And connections like todays, even if only for a fleeting moment, give me hope.
The hope they give me is what keeps me from giving up on myself. To be able to believe that a connection, even if slight, could occur for only a minute allows me to trust that I could find a connection with another person that could extend for five more minutes, maybe even ten... until we really are 'together.'
Maybe I'm just a big idealist. I do believe that everyone has a person out there that they are meant to be with. Some people are just unable to find their other half. They may try but end up leaving a trail of missed connections and opportunities in their wake. Or they may be shy. Unable to escape themselves, break down their walls and open their hearts to another. And then there are those who cannot find security. Instead of finding one they jump from one to another. Finding as many as possible. But never just one who can keep them, understand them, see past the pretense and the past to the real them.
I don't know where I fit into this. I would say I am shy- because I am, painfully so in some situations. Also I leave many connections behind, not intentionally, its just something that happens. And connections are not something you can force. They just happen. And when they fade away, so be it. That may just be the way things are meant to be. And one day, hopefully not too far away, there will be a connection, completely organic and unforced that will grow and continue to do so. Rather than fade away, it will flourish. And I will have found him. That one person.
But until then there is only one thing I can do. Hope. I will not lose my hope that everything will work out. I will keep believing that it is possible for me to find someone, maybe even love. Because even if I'm not beautiful I do deserve love. Everyone does. But I am getting to a painfully disheartened state. But I will not let it get the best of me. I will keep my hope and faith and trust. And it will happen to me someday...

Somewhere in New York winds are blowing, winters going into spring...

Its almost three am and I'm not yet tired because I passes out earlier tonight. And now I've managed to throw off my entire sleeping schedule. Awesome. I'm thinking that tomorrow (or today at this point) I'm going to head into the city, try to work on my Sondheim/Prince research paper at Lincoln Center Library. I have to call though and try to find out what it is that I need to have so I can use all the materials I need.

The run of Carousel went really well for the most part. There was a few screw ups but on a whole it was a smooth run. Sunday we had a huge audience. The biggest Sunday audience theres ever been for an FDU show, supposedly. It honestly looked like a larger audience than there was for any performance of Cabaret last year. Yay for the cast. We all worked really hard and it paid off. So go team.

I should be working on some sort of paper on India thats due on Thursday. Right now I have no topic even... That should be fixed soon. But it probably won't be until tomorrow night. I'll write it crazy late. Get about 3 hours of sleep and then go to my core class, hand in the paper and then sleep through Gandhi (which we are currently watching) and then go fake my way through Poli-Sci. It will be a party of a Thursday.

Oh, on Sunday night, after strike and whatnot, Josh had a bar-b-q for the cast at his house. Not everyone came but a few were there. And the seniors gave out paper plate awards. Mine was The "We'll Miss You Like A Fat Kid On A Diet Misses Cake" Award. Cute. It made me happy.


I really don't know what I'm doing.
Into the Woods auditions are in a little over a week. I'm not ready yet. I still haven't picked my monologue, but I just can't make up my mind yet. Theres too many that I know. I figure I will go through all my different plays and collections when I go home on Saturday. Friday night if JRB in concert! woot! I'm excited. I hope he'll play "Anywhere But Here" cause I love that song. It's so beautiful.

But yeah... I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm just kind of writing for the sake of writing.

PS: I want to find a boy. Immediately. I'm so bored and I just kind of want someone to be infatuated with. I haven't had a real crush in awhile... le sigh.