Instead of panicking about your freedom being potentially lost, think about how love ultimately connects all of us in a bewildered mess...

oar

"You
You were just no good for me.
But you're sweet like a cupcake
And I wanna eat you up.
You."

I'm ready for this.
I am ready for my life to come at me, to grow, to change.
I am ready.


If you know me at all, you are likely familiar with the fact that I have this tendency of overthinking. Everything. It's just a part of who I am.
But right now I am ready to stop over thinking and just be. To accept life as it is and to be alive and happy and experience life as it comes at me.
I don't know if I am going to stick with this new found willingness to accept my life. But I hope so, because I am finally starting to feel happier. Lighter. I'm enjoying my life instead of just living it.

My Valentines Day present for the boy. I was working under short notice and limited means, thus a 2-cd mix collection was the only real option for me.

Music I Think Doesn’t Suck
Vol. 1

Fall on Me – Cry Cry Cry
To Be Alone With You- Sufjan Stevens
Extraordinary Machine- Fiona Apple
Love and Doubt- Slow Runner
Jenny, You’re Barely Alive- Rilo Kiley
Popular Mechanics for lovers- Beulah
Chestnut Hill- Denison Witmer
Kite Song- Rosie Thomas
Get Here Fast- Allison Kaplan
Blue Eyes- Cary Brothers
Warm Whispers- Missy Higgins
You You You You You- The 6ths
Just Stay- Kevin Devine

Vol. 2

Hold You In My Arms- Ray LaMontagne
Where Does It Hurt?- Alexz Johnson
Sideways- Matt Caplan
Green and Gray- Nickel Creek
All the Stars- Eastmountainsouth
Meant to be- Melissa Polinar
All We Are- Matt Nathanson
Falling Slowly- The Swell Season
Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters- Elton John
Stay- Lisa Loeb
Deep in February- Gaby Alter
Don’t think Twice, It’s All Right- Bob Dylan
Love Love Love- the Mountain Goats
Gotta Have You- The Weepies

Timing.

It seems to me that everything in life comes down to timing. Things as big as love, career, and family, death even. But even things as small as crossing a street or catching a subway. It's all in the timing. So, what can we do? No one has completely perfect timing. Do we make every effort to take control of our lives and get our choices as precisely timed as possible? Or do we go with the flow and let life come at us as it will?

In my 23 years I have tried both of these approaches to life. Throughout my college career especially, I have attempted to control everything as well as I could. This is a part of why I am such a good stage manager (which I am.) But in the past six months or so I have stopped. Stopped trying to control and rule and force my life to take a certain direction. I came to more of a 'go with the flow' type of persona. Things became easier. I still get my work done, I see my friends and I am less stressed.

I have an idea of what led to this change in me this past summer. It was a result of multiple things but it was truly born out of a lack of control. When I felt like my world was falling apart even with my attempts at ruling it. I was grasping at straws at this point. This summer I truly learned that there are things in life you cannot plan for or predict or even expect at all.

This realization is the one that broke me, spurred my change. And while I would give anything to not have come to this transition in my life, I know not that is not possible. And I know that I an now the better for it. With everything that may not be going well in my life I am happier now than I have been in a long time.

Dear Ginsburg

Dear Ginsberg,

I wrote a letter to Ginsberg and
sent it to the sky,
through my eyes and to the
nearset stars and with pupils,
opened wide, i cried and cried,
unashamed, uninhibited. the
angels read aloud to Ginsberg
sitting in some heavenness sky.

I proclaim
oh Ginsberg you made me weep
and weep the teary-est tears
for all my years, although
only twenty, I aged with you
and sat in my skin
rocking and creaking
like nana's old rocking chair.

And a soft chuckle,
short gasps of breath
that otherwise would have
been the screams of
beauty like some lonely
streetlight that begs
to be stood under,
orange skinned
and orange tinged...

And to here you sacrifice
yourself time and time again
and splattered`your bloody
ink and your invisible
soul to me and to others
and i wiped my eyes once
again..

I proclaim oh Ginsberg,
You made me wish for a soft body,
and soft hair,
naked touches,
and the power of the nail
that scratches and marks
the skin and be handled
and and and and,
for the cool soft sweat
and shivers under the covers...

You made me want to
jump off balconies and
out of windows testing the limits
of constructed worlds
and falsehoods that look
like movie sets,
and find the rubber airbags
to catch me,
and say ha! I knew it!

Ginsberg,
I apologize for stealing
your style,
I promise I'm not
making a dime...

Ginsberg,
how am I supposed to
write what you have already
wrote? How will I see
everything anew,
and fresh,
will they come to me?
Or will I have to dig
under the graves of dead
plants,dead water
to see a reflection,
a simile,
a verse?

No wait,
Ginsberg,
don’t tell,
don’t kiss,
don’t, kiss and tell,
stay silent,
I don’t want to know,
I want to know,
but I want to know…
I’ll know
when I see it,
when I feel it,
when I smell it,
and when I do, I’ll weep
for me,
weep for you,
weep for the world
weep for everything imaginable,
weep for dusty roads,
and highways,
weep for new clouds,
and new adventures,
weep for weep,
weep for weep’s sake,
for this I will sleep and wake.

Dear Ginsberg, thank you.

- Brian Martinez