and then i decided to write a book.

and this is the opening chapter.

She would sit in the corners of small cafes and watch the world go by. Claire never knew exactly what it was she was looking for but she knew that she never found it. She would sit, sipping her coffee, waiting. She would watch the couples strolling by, arms linked together happily. She would sneer. “Love,” she thought. “What a bunch of bullshit.”

Claire was a cynic. She did not believe in stupid matters like love and romance. She knew that there was no such thing in the world. The idea of being forever tied to another person was one to be completely abhorred in her mind. Marriage? No, thank you. Claire would much prefer to wade through the murky waters of life on her own. She did not need another person lagging along to point out what she was doing wrong., as she was sure any partner, if they could be called that, would do. Rather, Claire preferred her solitude. She liked to sit on her own, observing the world. Seeing what everyone was doing wrong, in her opinion, as that was the only one that could matter.

As she spent her days, working in an office, typing press releases, Claire grew restless. “There must be something to do,” she thought. But alas, there was not. Claire, in her unending cynicism, had alienated any friends she might have once had. They did not take kindly to being told that their way of life was wrong, as Claire insisted she do. Thus, there was no one to help Claire when she reached moments such as this one. And so, on she went, going about her daily routine, lacking gusto. She would work all day, spending her evenings in the café, acting the voyeur to others’ lives.

To use the term voyeur may not be appropriate. In many cases today this has a certain sexuality attached to it. In the case of Claire there was nothing of the sort. She just watched. And judged. She was a very judgmental person. Anyone who did not seem to agree with the strict guidelines she set forth to live by, such as the no relationships rule, was to be looked down upon. And Claire gladly did that. There were small moments when she would begin to doubt herself and the choices she made, but they were quickly brushed away. She might regret for a moment her choices but not for long. She knew that what she was doing must be correct, right?

One evening, not long after Claire began to think on her choices as regrets she noticed something new. As she sat in her regular seat in the café, the front corner between the counter and the window to avoid contact with others, Claire saw something. It was only out of the corner of her eye, but she thought she saw a flash of light. This would not have been so distracting on any other day, but today had been particularly cloudy. It was the kind of day Claire enjoyed, as it often matched her outlook. But there, just a few feet away there was a flash of light. Not quite like a beam of lightening but something. It was something white and radiant and beautiful, like a solitary Northern Light, in the middle of the cold Philadelphia streets.

As soon as she saw it Claire began to doubt herself. She knew that there was no way something like an Aurora Borealis could occur as a singular event, especially not in the middle of a Philadelphia street. She rationalized with herself. “There must have been a car driving by, a light reflected off of it and caused that flash. It was simply a reflection.” But it was not simple at all. Far from it. Little did Claire know that flash of light was one that would forever change her existence.

a long list of wants (201 posts as of now)

a long list of wants.

This is what I wrote during MT History on Thursday.
I probably should pay attention in class, but this happens instead.


I want to take walks down these Philadelphia streets in the sun and in the rain. I want to run around Washington Square and be happy. I want to have a boy who will call me at 2 am to say goodnight or at 4am to sing drunken voice mails for me. I want him to love my voice. I want someone who will be willing to hold my hand. I want him to not be ashamed of having fun, of acting foolish. I want him to want to go out some nights. I want him to want to stay in others. I want him to go flower picking in the sidewalk cracks with me. I want to make daisy chains. I want to feel free and unencumbered. I want to sit on the marble steps and sip cool lemonade. I want to write songs and stories and poems. I want to make a prank phone call. I want to walk along the river. I want to dance an Irish jig. I want to be invincible. I want to feel a real connection. I want to listen to an opera. I want to really speak French. I want to walk barefoot down a cobblestone street. I want to visit Italy. I want to understand Braille. I want to take over the world. I want to be the only one. I want to read a new book everyday. I want to act on a stage. I want to win a Pulitzer Prize. I want to understand. I want love. I want hand holding. I want hugs in the morning and kisses at night. I want to feel full. I want to be held. I want a life. I want a ring from a machine. I want a bouncy ball. I want a pony! I want to lose it. I want to lose control. I want to be unique. I want to be commanding, but not domineering. I want success. I want a boy. I want a boy who is funny. I want a boy who is cute- to me at least. I want a boy who can laugh and sing and play guitar and hold hands and make flower crowns and dance and play and love and be serious and talk and write and understand and comprehend and think and just be with me. And be happy.

I really just want to be happy.

Hail, mortal!

Jessica's photogrpahy final is taking pictures of everyone in her Midsummer make-up designs. I'm peaseblossom.

where does it hurt?

theres a million streets to walk down in this city of broken hearts
but there will always be a place for you inside my arms...



I walked around the city tonight.
I wandered and wandered, where ever I felt the need to go.
I ended up walking down and all around old city.
I walked past the liberty bell, had a little moment with myself there.
Just thinking.

But as I walked I got to feel very... well, sad.
Its amazing how many people can surround you and you still feel incredibly alone.
I was on my own, so it makes sense that I would feel by myself.
But it was more than that.
It was like I was alone in the world.
Completely.
Like there was no one who could understand me, or be with me, or talk to me, or anything.

It was as though I was just me.
And it wasn't okay.
I know I should be okay with the idea that I can be on my own.
And that I am independent.
And that I don't need to rely on other person.
But the truth is I'm not. And I do.
I do need others.

I need someone who can understand me.
And be with me
And like me.
And maybe even love me.

This is sad, but really I just want to find someone who I can go on those walks with.
Who will hold my hand and tell me its okay.
Who will call me just to talk.
Who will think of me.
Who will look forward to seeing me
Who will hug me and make my problems go away.
Who will not fix my problems, but help me through them.

I'm asking for too much, I know.
But it's what I want.
Not necessarily need, but definitely want.
And hope to find.

The problem is I don't know how to go about finding this person.
Whoever he is.
This magical guy who will fix things.
Who will do all that I just wrote.
I don't even know how to find one who will just kiss me for the night.

I just...
I suck at this game.
And I want to be better.
And I want to find a boy.
And I want to find one now.

The end.

Is she real or is she fake?
Is she as she appears or is it all smoke and mirrors?

What do the Hindenberg, the USS Akron and Governor McGreevey have in common?

Answer: They all went down in New Jersey.




fantastic.

"You've always been barely alive."

I have a lump in my throat. It won't go away.
It's like this irking fear is just sitting there.
I don't know what it is of or from.
But it's there. Ever present.

It's amazing to get perspective on your life.
Where you are and where you've been and where you're going.

Today while listening to Assassins as research for MT History I started to read my old journals.
It's amazing. When I think about it I feel like the same person, but then I read my words and see what I was talking about and thinking about and going through.
I really have grown up. Especially over the past five years.
It makes sense, going from 15 and 16 to 21 is a big change.
But still...
In my mind I'm still a child in some ways.
Some very big ways.
But in actuality, I'm a grown up.
I'm what I wanted to be in some ways
And in others I'm a huge disappointment to myself.
This is far to complicated to really explain but..,
suffice to say I have grown up a lot as of late.
And I don't realize it until too late.
Or not too late - but... later than expected?

Am I behind the curve?
Am I so far off course?
Am I really who I wanted to be?
Am I a disappointment?
Am I a dream come true?
What am I?
Honestly.
Tell me.

Who are you? Who, who, who, who.

Its funny to see how different people perceive you.
The way I see myself and the way others do is completely different.
I know this is kind of dumb but I was honestly on face book.
There is an application called "Compare People" where literally that is all you do.
There are things like who smells better, who would you rather be trapped on a desert island with, who would you rather kiss, who is smarter, etc.
The topics cover a fairly wide range.
But I was just looking at the different ways I have been voted.
People think of me as the smart girl. Some have voted me smartest. What?
Honestly?
I have never felt like the smart girl.
I know I'm intelligent and I know a lot of random facts and can quote them back to people but thats not 'smarts', thats being a parrot. And I'm a good little parrot.
But people have voted me as better at science.
Mind you, I don't know who they were voting between, maybe I am better at science that someone else. But I doubt it. I am the girl who struggled through Chemistry of Food a little over a year ago. Only a matter of two semesters ago was I attempting to soldier my way through Weather and Climate. And don't even get me started on high school science, me and them never got along very well.

I guess I just see myself as average. I know some things. I don't know others.
I don't think I'm extraordinary. I don't think i suck at life though.
I'm just me. Just a regular girl. Nothing special.

I just feel like if people see me one way, but I see myself another- which one is the truth?
Am I who they believe me to be, or who I feel I am as an individual?
Do they decide for me or do I finally step up to the plate and decide for myself?
Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I just have this tendency of over-thinking, which if you know me at all you will be very familiar with. And maybe thats all that I am doing right now. But... I just don't know. I feel like a big part of who I am is based on how others feel towards me. Their reactions to me shape my further actions. If they're negative I close off, positive and I open up.
It's all so... Just so. I'm not sure where I was originally intending to go with this but I think I'm a little satisfied with where it ended up.
And so I leave you with a question:
Are we who we decide to be, or who others make us out to be?



Additionally, I'd just like to put it out there that I semi-conquered a fear today. I stood at the top of a straight extension ladder in the Arts Bank and managed to hang two 2ks, which are insanely heavy lights. I did not break anything or anyone and I didn't cry. I might have come close when my phone started to go off while I was crazy high up in the air, but I held back. And I made it through. And I'm a little bit proud of myself.
Go me.

This is wonderful...

"Tom, you are aware that I like you. You already know that. But lately I get the feeling… I mean, it is now pretty obvious that these are some problems here. Issues, or whatever. And we need to get over them or… well, you know. Things that I don’t wanna think about. So please, you need to stay in this . Focuses on it, so don’t drift off or anything. I love you so much. I really do, Tom. I feel a connection with you that I haven’t allowed myself to dream of, let alone be a part of, in so long. Maybe ever. But I can’t be with you if you’re feeling something other than that same thing I am… completely and utterly open to that other person. I don’t know what to say here, Tom… I’m worried sick. Look at me… when did you ever see me not eat a hot dog that was placed in front of me, huh? (tries to chuckle) I know you hate those jokes, sorry, but I’m… Tom, tell me about it. I know you’re thinking something, so we might as well just,,, one more thing. Just this. And I’ve never said this to anyone, not any other person in the world. Ever. My parents or a… no one. I would change for you. I would. I don’t mean Slim-Fast or that one diet that the guy on TV did… with the sandwiches from Subway. That guy… I’ll do something radical to myself if you want me to. Like be stapled or have some surgery or whatever it takes- one of those rings- because I do not want this to end. I’m willing to do that, because of what you men to me. The kind of ecstasy that you’ve brought me. So… I just wanted you to know that… This would be an excellent time to say something sweet to me. If you at all care about my feelings."



acting class.
monologues.
that is mine.
neil labute.
fatpig.
wonderful.
the end.

I really would...

I'd rather be nine people's favorite thing
than a hundred people's ninth favorite thing.


still waiting on that possible news from last week.

to say the least, the professional world sucks so far as being on time with things.
or atleast thats what it seems like.