2010

It has been officially decided (by me) that in the year 2010 I am traveling to Europe.
I am saving my money starting now and I intend on backpacking.
I might not actually backpack, I'm thinking about going through EF College Break.(It seems to be a cheaper, more dependable way to go).

But either way, I am going.


Planning so far in advance is not like me, but I have to do this, or else I'll never have the money for it and I will never go.
This is one of those things thats on my list of things I need to do in my life.

So, I'm going to do it.

And now I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of Late Summer/ Early Fall 2010.
(Oh and Fall 2009 when I graduate college. By the way, I ended up getting a 3.7 this semester. Pretty awesome considering how rough a time I had)

I am writing a book.
I know I've said that before but this time I mean it.
This is a different situation than before. I figured out what I want to write and how I want to write it. Today during Talk Radio it came to me. And I like it. It's really something that's been in the making for years. It's me and its truth and I hope it works out. And if no body ever reads it, so be it. But I already like what I have done.



And I never like what I write.





Also writing my final paper for Chartres Cathedral.
I cannot wait to be finished soon!

This is my life...

Sometimes you make a choice to take a leap.
You dive. You run and jump in.
Sometimes its the right thing, sometimes its not.

I'm still not sure what this was.
But it was fun all the same.
And I think it was right.

I don't know...



"Aren't you funny, pathetically naive and desperate to believe
you could always find some good. well, you misunderstood or you've been dreaming."



"Isn't it funny how he convinced me I could be pretty... funny."


oh pasek and paul.

Joyeux anniversaire à moi!

So I am 22 now. Olddddd.

Thanksgiving was lovely and peaceful.
Which was all I asked for.

So it's my birthday and the astorlogy.com thingie sent me a free tarot reading.
It is fascinating. Apparently I am...

*You're even tempered, moderate, and able to see both sides of a situation. You recognize when there is nothing more to be done and have learned that haste makes waste, for everything unfolds in its own time. You may be the peacemaker in the group, or go with the flow, as you have mastered the art of compromise and keeping your temper. You tend to avoid extremes and don't over-react or get emotional when others try to get a rise out of you, and your patience, creativity, tolerance, and understanding is an inspiration to others. Difficulties with any of the above can be overcome or managed with therapy, medication, or support.

*This year could be a good one for you, for you could become confident in your ability to make a difference. You may become more comfortable with yourself, accept that it takes all kinds, or be a natural leader who can see the big picture, or the challenges of a global economy. You could have the opportunity to travel, and might prove to be an open-minded concerned citizen of the Earth, its environment, and resources, but may have a tendency to think that the world revolves around you. You are responsible for your actions or choices, and over the course of the year, you might make it your business to know what's going on in this ever-shrinking planet. Having "been there, done that," you can be optimistic for the future, or will find your place. The world is your oyster, and you are hungry for the pearl. You'll have no regrets this year; you will have done all you can, and can be ready to move onto the next level.



Lets hope.

remember when we made a habit of reenacting carmen in your musty basement...

i can't sleep. which is a shame.
thanksgiving is tomorrow. and i am excited.
for family.
and for leftovers after the fact.
but friday, my 22nd birthday, is thte first day of tech for talkradio.
not so exciting. more scary, actually.
but hey, thats the way the cookie crumbles
or something like that.
i'm not too sure why i'm writing on here other than hoping that it will bore me enough to tire me out so i'll pass out. because i am wide awake at 7:15 with only about 20 minutes of sleep under my belt. something is wrong with this picture.

something is very, very, very wrong.

oh random william finn references thaat no one in the world will understand...

oops.

I have been so busy and caught up with everything that I forget to update this.
My bad.

What to say?

Hot L Baltimore went very well. All in all it was a good experience.

The day after Hot L closed I took a one day trip to North Jersey that took more travel time than visit time to see Pride and Prejudice. I was very proud of Nicole and Bethy-poo and Ross. They all were wonderful.

Since then I have just been trying to stay afloat. Getting my work done, going to classes, keeping myself together. This semester is beating me down particularly hard. I may have taken on more than I can handle. Not really, but at some moments it feels that way. I just have a lot of work and the pressure is getting to me a little bit. But its not horrible. Not really. I'm just...

I'm feeling stuck. Every day it seems like I am being put into situations where I am forced into a comparison with my sister. I hate being compared to her. Jessica is good at everything. I am not. It really makes living up to her difficult. Plus there's the fact that I'm just crazy.... that doesn't help much.
Whatever.

By the way, the Phillies won the World Series. I went to the parade, I rioted on Broad Street. It was a great time.

I feel... numb. It's weird.
Last weekend I was told by someone who had met me earlier that night "You are so closed off". And he's right. I am. And I don't know how to change that. Or how to fix that. It's just something that is. That has always been. I close off and shut down to protect myself because I've been hurt too much and too many times. And..

I don't know. I'm weird.

"Cut me deeper cause if I see that I'm bleeding then I'll know that I'm alive."

Except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars I'm fine.

i disappeared again.
Sorry, kids.
It's this school schedule and all the issues with not having internet at the new house.
And just everything.

Right now I am busy beyond belief. I have a show opening tomorrow night. Tonight's dress rehearsal has about 130 people coming to watch it and I have too much work to do and no time to do it.
And I'm getting sick.
I'm pretty sure I'm really sick.
I can feel it.
But I don't have the time for it.

This is killing me.



Except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars I'm fine.

i can feel the glaciers melting

the warm soft wind
covered up everything
on the day your love came screaming through me



I've just finished rehearsal, notes, paperwork and all.
I really should not be sitting here in Terra as I am and writing on this. I should be making my way back to my apartment so I can clean up. There is going to be someone looking at the place at 8pm tonight. And it looks like a wreck.
The landlord tried to tell me that it doesn't matter how it looks. But it really does. Also I don't want people, complete strangers at that, to come walking through my apartment and think "My God, these people live in complete squaller".
But despite that, I cant bring myself to get up and go at this moment,. I suppose I still have 2 and a half hours to get home and clean which is plenty of time. Its not like its a very big apartment.

I don't know where my time has gone. Where my life has gone.
This summer has quite literally flown by. I don't know where it has scampered off to. I wish it had stuck around for me to enjoy it. So I could savor something of my last 'free' summer. Next will be spent working as a slave for $125 a week + room and board at the beach. Pretty sweet, but not the supposed freedom I had this summer. Maybe next summer I won't apply for the Surflight internship and instead I'll take a cross-country road trip.

Thats not actually going to happen...but whatever.


Oh no! People need this room.

Maybe tomorrow morning when i'm back here- No more internet at the house.

live like music.

I wanna live like music. I wanna live like music.
Songs about justice. Songs about love.
Songs about freedom and never giving up.
I wanna live like music...



They might be stupid but damn do those crappy Canadian teen dramas have some good musics.

I'm not too sure what it is that i"m doing here.
This is my last 'real' week at Doc Watson's. Next week I start working Monday's only because of rehearsal schedules. It sucks and I will never have money again. And all the money I did manage to make this summer is already spent on my rent for the new house. So, pretty much I have $30 to my name right now. Awesome.

I don't know where my summer has gone. Erin called me Saturday and told me that she was getting ready to start packing for school again. Really? That was my main reaction. Then it hit me, "Oh, my God. It's August. I have spent my entire summer working, not playing. Not necessarily having a good time. Making very few bad decisions, though the one I did make will live on forever in a new found euphemism used at Doc Watson's. I have thrown away my last summer of 'freedom' without even realizing it since it obviously took place a year ago. I can't even remember anything from last summer that jumps out at me as being special or fantastic or so amazing that it made the summer worth it (with the exception of one very out of character act that I don't really talk about anymore)."

I had planned on this summer being my crazy, reckless, last hurrah summer. It was going to be filled with bad decisions and regrets- the kind that make a real person, and give a person experiences, the kind that they can write about if they plan on being a writer.Not that I plan on doing that or anything... But really, I know that next summer I'll have an internship -I need to have one to graduate on time. And I think I'll get the Surflight one since they already offered it to me this summer. And as awesome as it will be to live in LBI all summer I won't have the free time to go out carousing and partying because the theater will be too busy running me ragged, or so I've been told...

I just... I want my freedom to be young. And not have to worry about paying my rent, and going to work, and buying groceries, and having the apartment clean for new renters to look at it, and moving into a new house, and having such lofty responsibilities. It may not seem like I have a lot to do, but really I do. Or at least in my head all of my responsibilities are huge. Maybe I'm just crazy...
I don't know.

But I just want to be a kid again.

paciencia y fe.

Its so odd to think of culture.
I've been doing it a lot lately.

In my life I've met so many people from different countries and different backgrounds. They all have their own cultures and traditions. They have a people and a home.

But I feel like I don't have that.

Yes, I am Irish and Italian. But I really have no true understanding of what it means to be either of those ethnicities. They are just a part of my families history but they really play no part in my life as it is. And I realize that one's history is what shapes their future, but since those are not real parts of what shaped me at all I don't feel that it works out.

It's like- I may be Irish and Italian in blood but as a person I'm an American. And what does that even mean?
Do I even have a culture? Can I claim anything more than McDonald's and Britney Spears? When the time comes for me to have children and instruct them about our families roots and what shaped us what will I have to teach them? Nothing... I can talk about mass consumerism and pointless wars and too much reality television. And thats it. Thats what my culture is. And I hate it.

Also in terms of home. Yes, this country is obviously my home as I've only been outside of it three times in my entire life. Once was to Canada, once to London and once to the Dominican Republic. But there are times... I just don't feel at home here. And maybe its just my age, or maybe its the places I do live but nothing seems to fit.
I love living here in Philadelphia right now. It is so much better than Madison was for me. And I love Burlington with all of my heart. It is the only other place I can remember living since we moved there when I was only 1. But there are moments when I just don't feel like I fit in there. I've found that there are places one can go where it just feels right. And yes, my school right now is one of them but that will only last for another year. And then I'm finished. By this time next year I will have one semester left and that's all. And then what will I do? WIll I try to make my home here in Philadelphia? Will I find somewhere else to go?

My big plan had been for New York and grad school and working and loving my life. But now I'm not sure I could do that. i want to, so badly, still. But I know for a fact that I could never afford it. I can barely afford Philadelphia and things are much cheaper here. I don't know hat I"m going to do with myself. I know that I do like this town but it still doesn't feel like my home yet, maybe in the next year and a half that will change but maybe not. And then what will i be doing? Hanging around finding whatever work I can while stuck in a place that I don't want to be just trying to force a life down my own throat so i can survive?
I don't want that. no one wants that. At least I don;'t think they do,
It just seems like such a waste of time and money to be unhappy.

I'm not to sure where all this came form. one moment I was content listening to my new recording of In the Heights and then all this came pouring out. My mind is moving so fast that my fingers can barely keep up with whats I'm thinking. I haven't written like this in a long time, I haven't written at all in a while and I'm sorry, But see what happens. When I don't write things like this come pouring out of me. I need to save it up so this happens.

...I reall think I'm just crazy.



Also in other news I work at least four if not more days a week. I make okay money. I can pay my rent next month which is what really counts. And I'm god at my job. I am a good waitress. Which is funny since I was so scared that I would be bad at it for such a long time. If I had known I wouldn't suck at it I would've started a long time ago.

Probably not really but still...

ANd further news- I'm scared for what next month could bring.
Don't get me wrong I am excited too but scared all the same.
On so many fronts.



And lastly- never get as drunk as I did on Friday night.
It was a bad choice and a bad time Saturday.

going to georgia.

The most remarkable thing about coming home to you is the feeling of being in motion again: its the most extraordinary thing in the world.


i swear i will write real entry soon.

i cant sleep again.

this job has ruined what little normalcy i had in my sleep schedule once.



went on a long walk tonight, down to the river and back again. plus a bit further.
i'm not sure why when all i really wanted to do was sit at last drop and write.
but something felt awkward about doing that at that second.


i don't know...
but it was certainly an entertaining walk.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

i'd like to hire a plane and see you in the morning.

Random.

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days


too much to handle lately.
I'm not sure what to say.
I'm not sure what I can say.
But yeah..

I've been working. Making money.
Its a good thing.
I want to make plans for later.
And I want them to work out.
And I ... I don't know.



Mass Pike is playing in the background as I try to come up with the words that could explain this feeling but nothing comes to mind. I have one hour until I need to leave for work. The convenience of working less than two blocks from ones own apartment. I try to come up with words. I try to sound clever and simple even though I am complicated and dumb. It doesn't work out. The words do not fall smoothly from my lips. They come in stalls and starts. They tumble to the floor and break into a thousand pieces so no one can understand. I try to pick them up and piece them together but I can no longer remember their meaning or order. They become useless. More than they were originally. Waste of Paint plays and it makes too much sense. "You see no beauty could have come from me. I'm a waste of breath, of space, of time." Some things make too much sense. Like art could save a wretch like me... I'm not sure where this summer is going. If it is in fact going anywhere. If this is just a space filler. If this is a summer that I will eventually lose to memory due to its lack of events. Will it just fall away to be buried underneath previous and future seasons.
"I try to just keep moving on, with my broken heart and my absent God
And I have no faith but it's all I want - to be loved."
Wishful Eyes sings itself to me form its bootlegged performance. It is beautiful. "Little smiles, every moment brings another wasted mile between everything and everything I need." I 'm not sure where this is headed. I feel like I just keep going and going but with no real destination in mind. I will just keep going until I find somewhere to stop. Maybe with someone. Maybe on my own. But where can I stop? Where will I find that comfort, the ability that will allow me to be able to stop running and spinning and trying and just be. Just be me, who ever I am at that point in time.
Surf Wax America. I miss fun. I miss the happiness of what listening to Weezer was when I was younger. I miss the days on the beach. Wen summer was completely carefree. When weeks in LBI didn't need to be scheduled around everyone's work. When a family could just take a vacation. And there weren't these problems that exist now. And when friends could skip a class trip for a day on the sand. When money was not such an issue. "All along the undertow is strengthening its hold. I never thought it'd come to this. Now I can never go home."
Further North. Just snow and a fire. The winter would be so nice if I had someone to hold me. To keep me warm. To stay with me. Its a long way off but its always a thought. Always present. Always a possibility. "And its beautiful and sad but its all that I had, so tonight lets stay inside."

Lyrical perfection is hard to come by. But sometimes there are lines that can act like a cord straight to your heart and pull it just right, or wrong depending on the moment. But it can be perfect, even in its pain. Perfectly beautiful even if it hurts.



I suppose I should go get ready for work at this point. At least start to make myself presentable.

The final song playing is Hands Down. I miss being a freshman in high school for the music alone. And for the friends I lost. But I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the friends I gained that year. I still have them and thats a wonderful thing. But this music... It was my life. It kept me sane. Sad to say but Dashboard Confessional, Brand New, Something Corporate, and The Starting Line were, some days, what kept me together. I don't know what that says about me.

But I do know that I want an event like that of the Hands Down lyrics. That could be fantastic.



Wow this went all over the place. My apologies.


And then it feels like you get punched in the heart.

who got a job?

I got a job!!!!!!!!


Doc watsons hired me and i start on wednesday at 5!!!!

"so stay here for a while
because its nice
because its holy
laugh and drink and smile
give advice
take it slowly
life goes by so fast
but its still
when your with me here
so let this moment last
say you will always be here
for one more"

So...

What is it that I'm thinking. I'm just not sure.


Ugh.


Two interviews in the coming days.
Doc Watson's Pub on Monday
Messages on Tuesday.
And who knows what else if I get calls.


Also worked Peddie tonight. Catering like a fiend.
WOrking once more tomorrow- twelve hours or so. Woot.

Yay money.

And I'm pretty sure I'm going to the Phillies game on Tuesday!

my grandmother is currently snoring across the room from me.
adorable.

scratch that 3.75...

and make it a 3.9!

apparently there was a computer glitch and mari messed up.
she sent me an email last night to say "my bad!" so now i have an A, rather than a B-!

Awesomeness!

3.75.


almost what i wanted and exactly what i got.

good enough for a very tough semester.

i am finished my second first year of college.
thank goodness.
its been a long two weeks but i'm done.
i mangaged to write 34 pages in 6 days. (impressive i think)
i did well in all my classes (in theory)
i didn't die under the pressure.
i didn't kill anyone else because of stress.

its all good.


thank god.

tomorrow we go look at a house.
an honest to goodness house in south philly
i'm excited.

so fuck your plan
i am not amused
you go scrimping about
but i'll stay here
i'll be the one to choose
we are not alright
we are not okay
i must not have been clear about it
i guess i have to say
you are not my life
you ar enot my soul
you are someone thats a part of me
your are not in control
and its not your fault
it was my mistake
i couldnt find the words to say
i couldnt stay

a slight break from the work.

i'm just putting this out there.
i hate college and finals and everything at this very moment.
and mari fielder even though i love her.
i just feel like i'm going to drown underneath all of my work right now.
its not cool.

and then i decided to write a book.

and this is the opening chapter.

She would sit in the corners of small cafes and watch the world go by. Claire never knew exactly what it was she was looking for but she knew that she never found it. She would sit, sipping her coffee, waiting. She would watch the couples strolling by, arms linked together happily. She would sneer. “Love,” she thought. “What a bunch of bullshit.”

Claire was a cynic. She did not believe in stupid matters like love and romance. She knew that there was no such thing in the world. The idea of being forever tied to another person was one to be completely abhorred in her mind. Marriage? No, thank you. Claire would much prefer to wade through the murky waters of life on her own. She did not need another person lagging along to point out what she was doing wrong., as she was sure any partner, if they could be called that, would do. Rather, Claire preferred her solitude. She liked to sit on her own, observing the world. Seeing what everyone was doing wrong, in her opinion, as that was the only one that could matter.

As she spent her days, working in an office, typing press releases, Claire grew restless. “There must be something to do,” she thought. But alas, there was not. Claire, in her unending cynicism, had alienated any friends she might have once had. They did not take kindly to being told that their way of life was wrong, as Claire insisted she do. Thus, there was no one to help Claire when she reached moments such as this one. And so, on she went, going about her daily routine, lacking gusto. She would work all day, spending her evenings in the café, acting the voyeur to others’ lives.

To use the term voyeur may not be appropriate. In many cases today this has a certain sexuality attached to it. In the case of Claire there was nothing of the sort. She just watched. And judged. She was a very judgmental person. Anyone who did not seem to agree with the strict guidelines she set forth to live by, such as the no relationships rule, was to be looked down upon. And Claire gladly did that. There were small moments when she would begin to doubt herself and the choices she made, but they were quickly brushed away. She might regret for a moment her choices but not for long. She knew that what she was doing must be correct, right?

One evening, not long after Claire began to think on her choices as regrets she noticed something new. As she sat in her regular seat in the café, the front corner between the counter and the window to avoid contact with others, Claire saw something. It was only out of the corner of her eye, but she thought she saw a flash of light. This would not have been so distracting on any other day, but today had been particularly cloudy. It was the kind of day Claire enjoyed, as it often matched her outlook. But there, just a few feet away there was a flash of light. Not quite like a beam of lightening but something. It was something white and radiant and beautiful, like a solitary Northern Light, in the middle of the cold Philadelphia streets.

As soon as she saw it Claire began to doubt herself. She knew that there was no way something like an Aurora Borealis could occur as a singular event, especially not in the middle of a Philadelphia street. She rationalized with herself. “There must have been a car driving by, a light reflected off of it and caused that flash. It was simply a reflection.” But it was not simple at all. Far from it. Little did Claire know that flash of light was one that would forever change her existence.

a long list of wants (201 posts as of now)

a long list of wants.

This is what I wrote during MT History on Thursday.
I probably should pay attention in class, but this happens instead.


I want to take walks down these Philadelphia streets in the sun and in the rain. I want to run around Washington Square and be happy. I want to have a boy who will call me at 2 am to say goodnight or at 4am to sing drunken voice mails for me. I want him to love my voice. I want someone who will be willing to hold my hand. I want him to not be ashamed of having fun, of acting foolish. I want him to want to go out some nights. I want him to want to stay in others. I want him to go flower picking in the sidewalk cracks with me. I want to make daisy chains. I want to feel free and unencumbered. I want to sit on the marble steps and sip cool lemonade. I want to write songs and stories and poems. I want to make a prank phone call. I want to walk along the river. I want to dance an Irish jig. I want to be invincible. I want to feel a real connection. I want to listen to an opera. I want to really speak French. I want to walk barefoot down a cobblestone street. I want to visit Italy. I want to understand Braille. I want to take over the world. I want to be the only one. I want to read a new book everyday. I want to act on a stage. I want to win a Pulitzer Prize. I want to understand. I want love. I want hand holding. I want hugs in the morning and kisses at night. I want to feel full. I want to be held. I want a life. I want a ring from a machine. I want a bouncy ball. I want a pony! I want to lose it. I want to lose control. I want to be unique. I want to be commanding, but not domineering. I want success. I want a boy. I want a boy who is funny. I want a boy who is cute- to me at least. I want a boy who can laugh and sing and play guitar and hold hands and make flower crowns and dance and play and love and be serious and talk and write and understand and comprehend and think and just be with me. And be happy.

I really just want to be happy.

Hail, mortal!

Jessica's photogrpahy final is taking pictures of everyone in her Midsummer make-up designs. I'm peaseblossom.

where does it hurt?

theres a million streets to walk down in this city of broken hearts
but there will always be a place for you inside my arms...



I walked around the city tonight.
I wandered and wandered, where ever I felt the need to go.
I ended up walking down and all around old city.
I walked past the liberty bell, had a little moment with myself there.
Just thinking.

But as I walked I got to feel very... well, sad.
Its amazing how many people can surround you and you still feel incredibly alone.
I was on my own, so it makes sense that I would feel by myself.
But it was more than that.
It was like I was alone in the world.
Completely.
Like there was no one who could understand me, or be with me, or talk to me, or anything.

It was as though I was just me.
And it wasn't okay.
I know I should be okay with the idea that I can be on my own.
And that I am independent.
And that I don't need to rely on other person.
But the truth is I'm not. And I do.
I do need others.

I need someone who can understand me.
And be with me
And like me.
And maybe even love me.

This is sad, but really I just want to find someone who I can go on those walks with.
Who will hold my hand and tell me its okay.
Who will call me just to talk.
Who will think of me.
Who will look forward to seeing me
Who will hug me and make my problems go away.
Who will not fix my problems, but help me through them.

I'm asking for too much, I know.
But it's what I want.
Not necessarily need, but definitely want.
And hope to find.

The problem is I don't know how to go about finding this person.
Whoever he is.
This magical guy who will fix things.
Who will do all that I just wrote.
I don't even know how to find one who will just kiss me for the night.

I just...
I suck at this game.
And I want to be better.
And I want to find a boy.
And I want to find one now.

The end.

Is she real or is she fake?
Is she as she appears or is it all smoke and mirrors?

What do the Hindenberg, the USS Akron and Governor McGreevey have in common?

Answer: They all went down in New Jersey.




fantastic.

"You've always been barely alive."

I have a lump in my throat. It won't go away.
It's like this irking fear is just sitting there.
I don't know what it is of or from.
But it's there. Ever present.

It's amazing to get perspective on your life.
Where you are and where you've been and where you're going.

Today while listening to Assassins as research for MT History I started to read my old journals.
It's amazing. When I think about it I feel like the same person, but then I read my words and see what I was talking about and thinking about and going through.
I really have grown up. Especially over the past five years.
It makes sense, going from 15 and 16 to 21 is a big change.
But still...
In my mind I'm still a child in some ways.
Some very big ways.
But in actuality, I'm a grown up.
I'm what I wanted to be in some ways
And in others I'm a huge disappointment to myself.
This is far to complicated to really explain but..,
suffice to say I have grown up a lot as of late.
And I don't realize it until too late.
Or not too late - but... later than expected?

Am I behind the curve?
Am I so far off course?
Am I really who I wanted to be?
Am I a disappointment?
Am I a dream come true?
What am I?
Honestly.
Tell me.

Who are you? Who, who, who, who.

Its funny to see how different people perceive you.
The way I see myself and the way others do is completely different.
I know this is kind of dumb but I was honestly on face book.
There is an application called "Compare People" where literally that is all you do.
There are things like who smells better, who would you rather be trapped on a desert island with, who would you rather kiss, who is smarter, etc.
The topics cover a fairly wide range.
But I was just looking at the different ways I have been voted.
People think of me as the smart girl. Some have voted me smartest. What?
Honestly?
I have never felt like the smart girl.
I know I'm intelligent and I know a lot of random facts and can quote them back to people but thats not 'smarts', thats being a parrot. And I'm a good little parrot.
But people have voted me as better at science.
Mind you, I don't know who they were voting between, maybe I am better at science that someone else. But I doubt it. I am the girl who struggled through Chemistry of Food a little over a year ago. Only a matter of two semesters ago was I attempting to soldier my way through Weather and Climate. And don't even get me started on high school science, me and them never got along very well.

I guess I just see myself as average. I know some things. I don't know others.
I don't think I'm extraordinary. I don't think i suck at life though.
I'm just me. Just a regular girl. Nothing special.

I just feel like if people see me one way, but I see myself another- which one is the truth?
Am I who they believe me to be, or who I feel I am as an individual?
Do they decide for me or do I finally step up to the plate and decide for myself?
Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I just have this tendency of over-thinking, which if you know me at all you will be very familiar with. And maybe thats all that I am doing right now. But... I just don't know. I feel like a big part of who I am is based on how others feel towards me. Their reactions to me shape my further actions. If they're negative I close off, positive and I open up.
It's all so... Just so. I'm not sure where I was originally intending to go with this but I think I'm a little satisfied with where it ended up.
And so I leave you with a question:
Are we who we decide to be, or who others make us out to be?



Additionally, I'd just like to put it out there that I semi-conquered a fear today. I stood at the top of a straight extension ladder in the Arts Bank and managed to hang two 2ks, which are insanely heavy lights. I did not break anything or anyone and I didn't cry. I might have come close when my phone started to go off while I was crazy high up in the air, but I held back. And I made it through. And I'm a little bit proud of myself.
Go me.

This is wonderful...

"Tom, you are aware that I like you. You already know that. But lately I get the feeling… I mean, it is now pretty obvious that these are some problems here. Issues, or whatever. And we need to get over them or… well, you know. Things that I don’t wanna think about. So please, you need to stay in this . Focuses on it, so don’t drift off or anything. I love you so much. I really do, Tom. I feel a connection with you that I haven’t allowed myself to dream of, let alone be a part of, in so long. Maybe ever. But I can’t be with you if you’re feeling something other than that same thing I am… completely and utterly open to that other person. I don’t know what to say here, Tom… I’m worried sick. Look at me… when did you ever see me not eat a hot dog that was placed in front of me, huh? (tries to chuckle) I know you hate those jokes, sorry, but I’m… Tom, tell me about it. I know you’re thinking something, so we might as well just,,, one more thing. Just this. And I’ve never said this to anyone, not any other person in the world. Ever. My parents or a… no one. I would change for you. I would. I don’t mean Slim-Fast or that one diet that the guy on TV did… with the sandwiches from Subway. That guy… I’ll do something radical to myself if you want me to. Like be stapled or have some surgery or whatever it takes- one of those rings- because I do not want this to end. I’m willing to do that, because of what you men to me. The kind of ecstasy that you’ve brought me. So… I just wanted you to know that… This would be an excellent time to say something sweet to me. If you at all care about my feelings."



acting class.
monologues.
that is mine.
neil labute.
fatpig.
wonderful.
the end.

I really would...

I'd rather be nine people's favorite thing
than a hundred people's ninth favorite thing.


still waiting on that possible news from last week.

to say the least, the professional world sucks so far as being on time with things.
or atleast thats what it seems like.

So I have not updated since 6221 was just ending. My last post was actually when I got home from the cast party. My bad. I've been very busy. In the time since then I have managed to asst. stage manage a show which had its final dress last night and went wonderfully. I've also had spring break, chopped off a large portion of my hair, visited Fairleigh Ridiculous, and many other tales of woe and joy. It's been a good month.
I'm not too sure what to say, but in the next few days I may have a lot of news so I'm going to hold off until I get word.Suffice to say, I am trying my damnedest to not be in Philadelphia or Burlington for the summer.
<3.

dunk drunk drunk drunk drunky mcdrunkerson.



for reals.

I found this.

I didn't write it. But that doesn't stop it from being true.
Very, very true.

"I just want to go to every rest stop in America. I want to hang my clothes on a clothesline and wear yellow rubber gloves when I do the dishes. I want to be a librarian; I want to marry a janitor. I want to go to a prom. I want to eat cheese doodles in the car and wear a black hoodie sweatshirt. I want my car to break down at night. You and I will run into a haunted house and kiss for hours. I want to drink whiskey and watch a movie somewhere far away. I want to see the weather change when I drive. I always want to hear your voice in my house, I love that sound. I wish we were trapped in an attic. I wish we were driving to Nebraska, we could make out in cornfields. I'll make you oatmeal and then we'll drive and drive. I want to go fishing and not talk for hours. "

kicking it around.

Well today's date is February 18.
If I want to try and get something into Equinox I need to have it finished and submitted by March 6th. I didn't want to submit anything but its been pointed out to me that the school will be more receptive and willing to workshop or do a reading of or do something with my senior project when the time comes. And also a few people have told me I should do something for it, just for the sake of writing and submitting and all that fun. So yeah, I decided I would.
And at the moment this is the idea I am kicking around. And by kicking around I mean I've started to write but I'm not sure if I like it.

At a college radio station.
-will cover one night of the show, discussing ‘college’ issues like majors and whats the point of them – how to choose them? How are we supposed to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives at the age of 17, because that’s how old we are when we apply to school. As the different outsiders come by (or call in!) they’ll add their two cents and by the end the host ‘Sam’ will realize that its okay to not know what you’re doing with your life, so long as you don’t let that limit yourself. There may be an in studio guest and also different call-ins such as stoners who make no sense and different drunks, but also those who add to the conversation and make valid points about college life and knowing who you are and what you want to do- without being under the influence of… something.


we'll see what happens. if i can finish it. if i can figure out what i want to do. if i can get anywhere with writing at all.


i have way to many projects going on at the same time.
and oh shit- i have a report due on the musical 'working' on the 6th too.
damn.

'What time of day are you?'

You are 2:11 a.m.

Your time of day has a split personality -- sometimes it's sweat-streaked and loud, and you're on the dance floor, getting your third wind, and shouting lyrics like you'll never run out of energy. You are the time of night that carves itself into your memory forever, because you'll never forget how much you love these people and this moment and this song. It's not always about unforgettable parties, though. Sometimes your late night (err… early morning) burst of energy happens when you're home alone. Those are the times when you say, "I flat out refuse to go to sleep until I finish reading this book, or typing this page, or reorganizing my entire closet." In either case, you are the time of night when it feels sort of forbidden to be awake, but you love accomplishing something special long after everyone else went to bed. And hey -- you can always catch up on sleep tomorrow, right?



sounds about right.




tech starts tonight.
so not cool.
i am already feeling like i'm falling behind but after this week i'm going to be screwed. what a way to truly start the semester...

i am not all about this.
i seriously want to just finish this semester right now.
i want to move to new york immediately and start working.
or have an internship. or just do something.
i am over school work right now.
and its not because i dont like it, i love it.
but i'm just so tired.
i just want a little break or something.
but i'm not going to get one until march 8th.
i am counting the days for the next month with an eagerness unknown.


like seriously.

if they didn't hurt they wouldn't call them crushes.

that john hughes knows something...


also i am already dead from this semester and its only the second monday/ 3rd week of sort. its gonna be a long semester. a really very long semester.

"Writers are thieves. We evesdrop at the supermarket, we sneak off at parties and write down things people say."

I haven't posted in over a week.
I've been sort of busy.
What with being away in the Dominican (obviously I did not get to stay and form my own band of mini-bandits or infuse some children with some west side story styled choreography. damn.) And then going to New York for one day and deciding to do so at the absolute last minute. And moving back to Philadelphia. And starting classes. And actually having my meeting with Amy. And planning out my entire life for the next two years. Its absolutely crazy.


I can't believe I'm actually following through with my plan of sorts. I mean I've done step one already. Met with Amy. And while there we made my 'graduation plan' meaning we went over all the classes I need to take to get my degree and how long it will take me to earn it. AS a rule of the university I must be here for 5 semesters, 2 and a half years. Placing me as graduating in December 2009. Only one semester later than I was originally supposed to. And now, thanks to our clever planning, I should be able to do this. Amy and I sat for an hour Tuesday afternoon trying to sort everything out and just talking about why I want to fast track it. She understands me and my feelings about being older than the other people in my classes and also about my guilt toward making my parents pay so much because even after my scholarships its expensive, I'm not sure if it's more than FDU but its still expensive and I don't want them to work themselves to death or anything just to pay for my schooling, but I can't really make the money I need while being in school and I certainly can't get the loans for it because I already have my own debts and absolutely no credit (I should fix that). So hopefully this will all work out. But if it doesn't I will definitely finish by May 2010. Only one year late. Meaning I'd have been here for 3 years, which is okay.
My own personal plan is to open a bank account that I won't really touch and to take half of the money I make over the next few years and put it into that account. Then when it comes time for grad school (if I get in) I will have some money put away so I can pay part of it on my own. And then I will possibly be able to get another loan and I'll be able to afford it.

Also we discussed my Senior Project, or at least the possibility of it. If I can pull it off I want to have a staged reading/ workshop/ something! of a one act musical I am currently working on. I can't promise that it would be that great as a whole but the pieces I have started I already like. Two songs and the scenes they are part of especially, they make me quiet happy. And I never like my own work.

But anyways aside from that stuff I've been doing a bunch of things. Starting classes- taking 18 credits now (which is funny cause about a week ago I was in 13.5). But I'm no longer in voice lessons because they didn't fit in with my schedule or with money (they cost extra! whats that about since we're already paying for the credits?) I am however in Musical Theatre History as taught by a man who knows Allen Cohen! (He told me to tell the techer he said hi, hahaha) And also I'm in Stage Management with Anna which might be a little bit insane just based on some of the people in the class. Wonderful.

Oh and there was a super-last minute New York trip for Jessica and I. While we were way we randomly got internet and I got a facebook thing as a part of a group that there was an extra Jamboree being added on Saturday night at midnight. Jess wanted to go so I sent Joe a message seeing if he thought it would be sold out or what since we wouldn't even be back in America until late Friday night. But he hadn't answered me by the time we got home so I called the Laurie Beechman just to see and they said it was sold out, completely and that there was no hope for me. Fun times. But Saturday morning I check my facebook and theres an answer from Joe saying that he would get us in if we wanted to go and to message him and let him know. And so I txtd saying that he would forever be my hero if he could get us into the 9:30 show (we couldn't go to the midnight one due to lack of trains home). Not even 4 minutes later my phone rings and it was Joe saying that he would get us in. Come hell or highwater (well not really thats dramatic but I like that phrase) we would be in that theater. I believe he actually said that we would be sitting on stage if we had to, but dammit we would be in that theater somehow. Hot, right? So after organizing and packing our stuff to go back to Philly we got ready and we left and took the train to New York and got some coffee (Dunkin Donuts, of course). Then it was off to the Beechman to see some Jamboree. We were actually on the list and everything and we got real seats at a table ( I was so paranoid I'd get there and firstly no one from the group of them would remember me from earlier in the month and then we wouldn't have anywhere to sit and just a whole bunch of things going wrong. Like the way my life normally does) But we were at the show and we got to see people and talk to them and people did remember who I was, I guess I'm not as invisible as I fear and it was just a great night. By the time we got home it was late, around 2 something in the morning because of the train and issues so we passed out and then the next day it was back to Philadelphia.

Nicole came to visit on Sunday! After I moved everything back in and put everything away she showed up! It was so great to hang out with her again. Even though its only been a little while since we saw each other on January 5th its still a long time, considering that we lived together for one year and then saw each other atleast 5 days a week another, and then we went many many many months without seeing each other. But now its all good. But we hung out and I showed her around a tiny tiny tiny bit - not much to look at when its so cold and ugly out. But then we had people over to the apartment, not quite a party but certainly a gathering with alcohol and movies and whatnots. But it was fun.
And then it was Monday and after Nicole left to go home in the afternoon I headed to the shop so I could start working again. Back to the grind.

On Tuesday classes started and and then it was pint night and so it went today too with new classes and then we had a small project runway viewing party (because Kaitlin couldn't) and now I'm here.
And now I'm going to read a trashy romance novel until I fall asleep since I have to get up at 7:30 for my 8:30 class (so not cool).

But first a little video I made at the jamboree cause it was a good time and I completley love the song.

""

"I wanna take you through a wasteland I like to call my home "

If you recognize the above lyric and do not do so by way of Google you will gain about 30 cool points in my book. And you'll get an extra one if you figure out its relevance to me at this very moment.

I've finished packing. Mostly. All my clothing and whatnots are done with. Now its a matter of figuring out carry-on items. Obviously those will include: i-pod, classic composition book (both are always on my being somewhere), books (but which ones to bring? I'm thinking I'll go with 'Junior' by Macaulay Culkin because a) it looks crazy f-ed up, and b) i have yet to read it. And them I'm at a loss for literature. This break has been particularly hard on my wallet, thus I am lacking in reading material for lack of purchasing ability. I might take some books from Nicholas, perhaps some Neil Gaiman? Or maybe I'll steal Fake.Liar.Cheat. / The Fuck-Up / Perks of Being A Wallflower. My copies of these books are in Philadelphia rather than on the other side of the wall like his are... I guess I'll ask. Or maybe I'll go shopping in the morning at all the duty-free stores while we wait at the Newark Airport.)

Oh yes, we are flying out of Newark. Driving into the bad weather, snow and all. It will be a party. Of momentous size too. Meaning everyone else will probably end up falling asleep in the car while my father drives and I'll put on the i-pod and not pass out but happily think of the coming 4 days in the sun and devote a tiny thought to the regrettable feelings that will sneak up on me when Friday comes and its time to return to the real world. I've been told that even though I don't officially have a seat on the plane to come home I am not allowed to give up and stay in the Dominican Republic. I found this very upsetting.

I personally don't understand why I'm not allowed to stay in a random foreign country illegally. I could make my money, singing on street corners. Perhaps hustling money from tourists.

[cut from Caitlin sitting on bedroom floor with laptop to Caitlin walking down the mean streets of the Domincan Republic. Her skin is very dark and she is looking fairly South American in her own right for someone who is Irish and Italian. Behind her there is a band of small children, they are all very tough looking. The children are breaking into random dance moves, also yelling words like "BAM!", "ZAP!", and "POW!" They are a force to be reckoned with, a group to be feared, and Caitlin is their leader, their Queen.]


I would fantasize about leading a small gang of children and molding them into those most likely to appear as the Puerto Ricans in West Side Story... But I really would be a mighty fierce leader - you know I would.


I guess I should stop doing this and start packing my carry-on. I'm just so lazy though...


Shame.

Fruit Strip Gum.

Fruit Strip Gum.
I'm chewing a piece right now and its like I'm reliving (or re-chewing) my childhood.
This was by far my favorite candy. "Yipes, Stripes! Its Fruit Stripe Gum!"
In my young mind it was perfection in stick form. In chewing it now I am getting painfully nostalgic for days long past. Days when I was at Saint Paul. Days when life was easier and friends were plentiful and there was not nearly the drama there is now. I have a stick of the peach flavor in my mouth, by far the one I liked the least but still I love it. I'm so tempted to be like a third grader and put on the tattoos. The one on this particular wrapper is the zebra surf boarding.

Life was so much easier when this gum was in style...

And then I get left behind...

Apparently our plane for coming home from the Dominican Republic is over booked.
And the way its overbooked is in a way making me not have a seat. The other four members of my family have seats on the plane. Me, not so much. So I am going to be left behind in paradise. Not really a bad thing, but still- it doesn't surprise me that I would be the one stuck. Gi-zayyyyyy.

And also would anyone like a song that has the lines

"I don’t like you
Not like that at least.
You were never the one for me.

I don’t like you.
I’m sorry but its done.
This is the way things have to be."


Its somewhere in a song I started a little while ago (while watching Harry Potter 1 [they all look like babies!])

"Woke up to the sound of pouring rain.."

It is horrendous outside. Pouring rain, thunder and lightning. Always fun.
I don't know why I'm writing on here. I think it was more that I just wanted to quote that song as a title of a post and it seemed apropos here.

Additionally, after my little rant last night I kept writing.
3 lyrics done, completely so. And a few others started.
If only I could figure out the accompaniment and not make it suck.
And also if I could finally finish the Post Secret Project that would be nice...
Or something like that.

Some of you might not know but somewhere in last February or March I started a project based on the ideas of Post Secret (click My Addictions link). I know its not really a new innovative theater concept or anything but I wrote a collection of monologues about people's struggles with their secrets, both the inner turmoil and the way they were outwardly effected. It was about the nature of secrets and what they can do to a person, whether it be a positive or a negative. And since I started it I've continued to work on them little by little. The first week I was working I wrote 6 monologues, all of which I still like (which is rare- I normally hate anything I write within hours of finishing). But then I got busy with school and with shows and with life. The project fell to the wayside. But recently I picked it up again. On the train to New York last weekend I had my laptop with me and so I started to write again. I wasn't quite sure where I was going with it but I knew I wanted to carry on with the project and so I did. And now I have an even larger collection of monologues. And I don't know where to stop, or how to end. I want everyone's secrets to tie together somehow and to have the different actors coming together and for there to be a crossover of sort. I can see it in my head and hear it, I just can't execute it or talk about it apparently. So, I'm trying to figure out that one now too.

I just don't know when to stop with that one.
How many pieces would make it complete?

I'm getting overly anxious.
I don't know what about- but I am.

And also, anybody wanna loan my $20?
I wanna go to the rock and roll jamboree on the 19th since I don't start classes til the 22nd.

I'm not a fan of her plays but...

Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable. ~Wendy Wasserstein


Wise words. Keep them in mind.

I'm going crazy here. I'm writing a lot. As much as I can. I figure I'll just keep doing it and keep what I like, get rid of what I don't, or work it til I do like it. I need this constance because without it I will slack and end up ignoring my goals and then when the times I'll be screwed. Completely. So if you talk to me and ask me what I'm working on and I have no idea or I have no clue about anything or I just say I've given up, please slap me up the head. I can't afford to let go of goals, even if I still have 5 semesters left of working I cannot slack. At all. I counted a little while ago. I don't think it could be possible for me to finish school by Fall 2009. I'm going to have stick around for Spring 2010, even though I don't think I'll be able to afford it. Especially since my scholarship is only for 2 years. I don't know... I'm going to meet with Amy, I hope, and figure out the next few years of my life and my classes. And hopefully I'll be able to get a job and start saving. Cause I need to. And then maybe I won't be in debt for the rest of my life.... Hah. Thats funny. Because I know I will be.

My Current Life Plan

so last night (really this morning) I was talking to Joe Marra (who i miss like woah) and I told him I was plotting out my life. He asked what it was and so...

Well, I'll go to the Dominican Republic on Monday and stay through Friday, start classes on Tuesday and promptly have a meeting with my dept. head so we can try and get me out of UArts as fast as possible - 4 more semesters hopefully so I'll only be 1 semester behind people my age. I'll then take the next semester off and work my ass off doing whatever I can, saving all my money, get into NYU's TISCH Grad School for Musical Theatre Writing. Then I'll go there for a bit of time, graduate with an MFA. While there I'll dazzle the theater world with my amazing word play and clever lyric writing. Somehow I won't have to work (I haven't worked that part out) and I'll subside on a diet of Dunkin Donuts coffee and bagels and writing my little heart out. And then I will take the world by storm (except it won't just be me because I will find some amazing composer to collaborate with [Amy Feinberg has taught me well] and we will pair their incredible music [preferably of an alternative style] and my wondrous lyrics and we'll be winners all around).



Now lets see if I can even get beyond the meeting with Amy sometime after classes start.

This year I'll try not to think too much.
This year I'll try to stand up for myself.
This year I'll live like I've never lived before.
This is my year for sure.



i'm still awake.
why?

a random bit of fascination

the above is a mustache cup.
it was an invention of the 1800's England.
It's a cup with a special bar across the inside to keep a man's mustache out of his drink.
I don't know why but I think this might be the most amazing thing ever...

always darkest before the dawn?

maybe I've found the way I work best.

Melt down, start thinking I should give up and go to school for political science or even worse - communcations, that i have absolutely no talent and that i should find a corner to go die in.

and then start writing.

In the past few hours i wrote a song.
It's not much and its just the beginnings of one and it has a long way to go.
But I like it so far.
And the one person I've let listen to it (god bless these mac's and their recording abilities) gave me really good feedback on it.

so now to just see if I can keep this up...

I've been spontaneously crying the past day.
What the fuck? Like seriously.
I'm not sure why but all day its just been random tears.
You'd swear I was pregnant or crazy or PMSing.
And I'm not any of them.


So instead of just crying I've decided I'm going to lose myself in a project and really learn how to play my guitar. I've had it for a few years and beyond a few Michelle Branch songs from her first CD, I can't play anything. And so- here I go...

I figure if I can play guitar, I can atleast attempt to write music to go along with the crappy lyrics I've written. Therefore making a fully crappy song as opposed to only half of one.

so i think i might have come to a slight understanding with why i keep freaking out over my writing and future career or lack-there-of. everyone i met who is doing what i want to do in life already was working on projects that have been finished, or just had some sort of skill and talent and they could show something for it by the time they were my age. Me... not so much. Maybe I just move at a slower pace than they do. It wouldn't be the first time I was the slow one- on so many levels. I just feel like I've fallen behind. Like there's this big race to get to success and finish a piece and have it be good and have people like it and maybe even get it produced and I'm just floundering at the back somewhere trying to find a pencil sharpener so I can maybe try to start writing a first draft.
So that's kind of a weird way to put it, but thats the way things feel right now. And I don't know how to catch up other than try to keep writing and maybe straighten things out but right now I feel like everything I write is so cliche and just bad. It's a big ball of suck, to put it nicely. And I don't know how to improve or get past this hump. And just ugh. I'm frustrating myself because of my lack of ability coupled with my need to get around it.

I seriously want to cry and scream and just figure everything out at the same time.
And then finish a play I can be proud of, instead of ashamed or embarassed like usually.

trying to write

I'm trying to keep writing.
Not the ramblings that are here but real writings.
My plays and bad lyrics.
I feel like I only have short things to tell. Not a full story.
I can tell one persons side of something, like a story.
But then I get stuck.
I can't flesh it out further.
How am I supposed to be a writer when I can't write?
Or, I can write- but not enough to satisfy anyone?
Do I need more life experience?
Can I only find stories once I find my own place in the world?
When will that happen?
How am I going to improve in enough time to have any sort of chance?
I know I'm being overly dramatic but I feel like if I don't get better at this then my dreams won't come to fruition at all.

Dimple just called me.
We're going to the diner.
Maybe I'll come back later...

Better in 2008?

Well, here I am. Currently while i write this it is 1:48 am, Sunday morning. Not too long ago I got back from the bar. Or actually from leaving Nicole on the corner of 42nd (or was it 43rd?) and 8th so she could go on her merry way to MSG and Penn Station and I could make my way back to matt’s.
This was quite the weekend. It was a fun time, really.
So what happened was Joe Iconis (ya’ll should listen to his stuff, its awesome. ask me for the demo and I’ll burn or send it to you). Well he wanted people to be his “street team”. And since I already knew I was coming up here to see the concert and matt and I didn’t have anything concrete to do we were like “sure, we’ll do it,” figuring others would be willing to also. So Joe gets back to us and was all “yeah! street team = party!” so we thought cool.
Then Friday night rolls around. I came up to new york and met up with matt. We played at th eapartment for a second and then went to Joe’s since that’s what we were told to do via email. We get there and before we go in we get uber petrified that this is going to be so insanely awkward. I mean we were going into what was practically a complete strangers apartment to do God-knows-what. But we go up and in and there we were. It ended up being us and the cast of the show. There was no further street team. Awkward much? But after a few minutes it subsided mostly (atleast I thought so). When we walked in Joe said that I looked familiar. He knew me from youtube as one of the “blue hair” girls. I wanted to die from that alone but we went in, he gave me a beer (yay) and then it was to work that we went. It was mostly cutting things like flyers and CD inserts. But still it was okay.
So we’re sitting doing this, trying to make awkward conversation. And then after about an hour and a half I just hear a voice coming from Joe’s computer “I’m bored. I’m awesome. It’s almost one…” And that’s when I wanted to die. First I screamed “Fuck no! Turn that shit off right now.” Like across the room. Yes, I screamed fuck and shit across the room. And then i got insanely embarassed because i screamed that in reaction to a video of myself. But then I kind of dealt with it. I curled into a ball for a few seconds but then I got over it. Mostly. And there it was. They told me I was better than some girl who sang it this summer at some show. I dunno. Thanks i guess? I didn’t really know what to do with that but I just tried to not make a big deal out of it while inside my head I was screaming “Holy Shit, why do you hate me God!?” But it was okay- mostly. I ended up getting over it. For the most part. I tried to not dwell. But that’s a challenge because I am such a dweller. I obsess over small details and minute things that do not make a difference, such as watching a video of myself singing a song while the writer of said song chills there and i yell for him to “Fuck no! turn that shit off”. Or something like that.
But we went and did all that work and got all the CD’s ready and the little flyers to hand out to people. Than we were given signs (like actual signs to hang up at places like diners and on random street corners and stores, etc.) And off we went back to Matt’s apartment. Trying to figure out what we were doing the next day. So we did and it was actually the two of us just messing around making movies that will never be seen by anyone with the exception of Nicole.
So yeah. Today we went out at about 8:45 or 9 and walked the streets of Manhattan, mostly attacking people in the theatre district trying to get them to go to the show. We gave out nearly 60 CDs (all that we had) and a bunch of flyers plus posters at diners and such. But it was fun in its own way. And than we took a break and updated people who needed to know how and what we were doing. And then back to Spring Awakening and Rent we went to give the few CD’s we had left plus a bunch of the mini-flyer deals out to people who it seems would like the kind of music that would be in the show. And then Matt went to Legally Blonde with his aunt or something. And I went off in search of Nicole! Miss Nicole whom I have not seen since May. Finally, reunited and it feels so good. Or something like that… But the two of us went shopping all over th place like Manhattan Mall and Forever 21 and then in search of a Dunkin Donuts so I could get myself some regular coffee that didn’t suck or taste burned like Starbucks. And so I bought new shirt at Forever 21 and eventually after wandering for quite some time we found a Dunkin Donuts and I got my coffee and it was my happiness since all I’d had over the course of the day was half a bagle and a glass of water. But we went back to Matt’s and all played and got to know each other and than off to the Rock and/or Roll show we went.
It was wonderful. We ended up sitting with Joe’s parents and one of his grandmothers which was pretty funny (his grandmother was amazing) . And it was just a good time. And Nicole didn’t get carded so we all got to drink. And the show was great. I got a bunch of random videos and pictures. They will eventually be posted… probably. But afterward we were talking and Nicole got her picture with Anthony Rapp like she really wanted and we all talked to him and made it awkward – but an acceptable kind of awkward, at least that’s what I’m telling myself. And then we were just talking to people and making friends and then off to the bar we went and Jason paid for drinks even though I tried to. And it was a party; Dancing, alcohol, really good hot wings. Drunkenness. But in a good way. A better drunk than new years. And it was with some pretty awesome people, even though Matt had to leave to go deal with his cousin me and Nicole stuck around and talked to a bunch of people and took pictures and just had a good time. And really I’m glad I did this. I’m glad that I took my time. Sure , I had some embarassment. And I had to deal attitude from some people on the spring awakening line. And I might have a hang over in the morning. And I might end up regretting this for some reason but it was a good time. I swear. And I’m happy. Maybe this is a good sign of what 2008 will be like.

shit man...

its 2008.
when the fuck did that happen?

seriously.
time flies and i dont even notice it going until its so far past i'm thinkin its 4 weeks ago or something. i realize how little sense that makes but fuckit, i dont care. its 4:10 in the morning and therefore good enough for me and you.

so break just keeps moving right along.
and so do the good times with my friends.
we've drank and talked and driven (or ridden) and dinered and everything with more to come. i know its cliche but my friends from high school might be the best i'll ever have. we didn't have the times of our lives in h.s. and those were not the best days of our lives but we're still together and with each other now and times are getting better as we are getting older.

new years was calm, mostly uneventful but very drunk.
it was just amy, erin and i.
the three of us at my apartment drinking. than walking to the river for the fireworks and walking back to my apartment for more drinking and making friends with people who walked past my front steps as we smoked like the rebels we are. i drank much more than i should have.
tuesday i was so sick. i couldn't drink water for fear of throwing up= always a fun thing. thats what i get for excessive amounts of champagne and wine. and i mean excessive. but it was still fun and i survived. and tonight amy and i went back to philly and saw the screwtape letters, a production at the lantern theater company for which jessica was the costume designer - her first professional outing! i'm so proud of her- for reals.

this weekend ought to be interesting.
once i have a clue whats going on i might write, but i may just wait til whatever happens does so. that way... yeah
anyways.
i've been thinking about the future.
i know people are consistently doing that but i've been thinking in terms of career and what i really want to be and to do and how i can establish myself.
i want to be a writer. not of the crap thats on here but of theater. i love characters and theater and playwriting and everything. it what i'm really in school for right now. its the reason i got into uarts i think- because i definitely did not get in on my technical theater prowess or my knowledge of stage management practices. because i have no experience in either of those fields. and the only thing i presented at my interview with amy were scripts. one finished one act play, 3 scenes of an unfinished crappy jukebox musical of sort(but not really), 5 scenes of an unfinished play from class, and 4 monologues from a newer idea i had been working on at the time based on the post secret art project. but i've been thinking. if this is really what i want to do i need to apply myself. i really need to get some follow through with my writing. i need to work my ass off and try to finish what i start instead of beginning a bunch of pieces and never finishing them. and i need to think in terms of my education.

once i'm finished at uarts in my shorter amount of time (since thats what i'm working towards) i think i want to go to tisch. yes, its expensive. yes, its hard to get into. and yes, i have no idea if thats even going to be what i want in a few years. but at the moment i do want to write theater. i want to work in that field and i want to go to one of the best places to study it, in one of the most incredible cities in the world.

NYU/TISCH Musical theater writing program.

thats it. i want to go for book writing. maybe lyric writing depending on where i can get with that and how much i can grow in the next year or so. but thats it.

i don't make new years resolutions. people never keep them and things change as time goes on making a resolution made in january not pertinent by the time march rolls around. but i think i want to develop my writing. i want to work, privately on my writing and i want to grow with it. i want to be better than i have been. i want to be good. and i want to finish something and truly be proud of my work, not read it once its done and think "what kind of crap am i churning out?" like i usually think.

thats all.
i got a bit ranty but i think thats really going to be my goal over the year, in addition to keeping my grades where they are (gpa was 3.82 this semester, thank you very much)