oh baby, baby
its a wild world.

i'm sorry i missed today! in my mind its still the 29th cause i just got home from working on things for callbacks and whatnots- now to get to homeworking. what a party.
it was nicholas' birthday, 28. scary, right?

it's my party...

its my 21st birthday.
i'm getting older.
i feel it.
and i'm a tiny bit hungover still (ugh) from barring it up last night.
it was fun.
a party was had.
i drank too much.
but thats what you do on your 21st birthday.



but right now i just want to die.
aand i certainly dont want to go to class in a little over an hour.
and i dont want to write this paper on the discreet charm of the bourgeosie.
and i do not want to try to write this play for collaboration.
inspiration hasnt hit and i cant force it.
this bites.


and a movie just made me cry.
but in a good way...
kind of.

Fear.

She fears everything.
She fears nothing.

She thinks that she is ready. The time has come.
She is willing and able to start a relationship, to jump in with both feet.
To take the proverbial plunge, of sorts.
And then it hits her.
She's going to be tied.
Tied Down.
And she can not take it.
She has to stop this, whatever it is.
Stop it dead in its tracks.
And so...
She will.
She stops speaking to him.
She makes one drunken mistake of a message.
She regrets her bad decisions.
She knows what she wants.
And it isn't this.
It isn't him.
She needs something to make her really want to change.
Or not change, but be willing and ready to do that.
And this time. This opportunity.
It doesn't do that for her.
Instead it scares her.
He scares her.
She doesn't want that.
She doesn't want him.
She thought she might, but she was mistaken.
But finally she knew, she didn't want that, she wasn't ready.
And now was not the time.
...It all clicked.







I walked down Pine Street.
Quickly, hurriedly.
I felt as though something was closing in on me.
Chasing me.
I looked all around me.
And there was nothing, nothing at all.
Rare as it is there was no one else on the street.
Rather than being comforted by this fact I was more frightened.
So I walked even faster. Practically running.
But still there was this sense, impending doom.
I walked and I walked.
It seemed like forever until I made it to 12th Street.
But finally I was there. And I made the turn.
A left.
Down the street I went.
But the mood did not lighten.
I felt the street closing in on me.
I broke into what was practically a run.
I kept going.
And then I saw it.
A person at the other end of the street.
Someone for me to run to.
I didn't know who they were but they were there.
Standing on the corner of Spruce and 12th.
An angel of sorts.
And so I ran.
Or power walked in actuality.
And I made it.
Finally, the sense of impending doom lifted.
I was free. I felt like myself again.
And I felt safe.
Mostly.
I walked the rest of the way down Spruce Street to my apartment.
There was a skip in my step.
And a lightness in my head.
I was still afraid- but not so petrified.
Why I had that sudden rush of fear, I will never know.
But it was there.
And I felt something.
Whatever it was...

he says take my hand.
live while you can.


i wish i had more to write but i'm lacking in things going on...
excepting the fact that i have one more day as a 20-year-old.
Wednesday I will be 21. Finally.
And Tuesday night we are getting shitfaced.
One and all.
Come join.
Fox and Hound.
15th and Spruce.
10 pm
Buy me a drink.


And Thanksgiving break was lovely.
And necessary.
And I love my friends.
And I miss them even more.

you were the best thing about this place...

i have no idea wats going on.
thats not new or anything... but its a bad thing.

greys anatomy, you are killing me a little bit.
but in a suspensful, good way.

and Gale Harold... damn Nazi.
Which makes me so sad... Brian Kinney would not be a nazi.


Going to Holy Cross' homecoming game tonight.
That'll be interesting.
They'll lose-at least according to my dad.
Moorestown is good, better than Cross.
Big surprise...

Something started crazy...

I love my family.
The end.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

“Writing is a sweet, wonderful reward”

I am done with classes until next Monday at 11:30 am.
Pretty sweet, right?

Now to just get cleaned up and get home tomorrow.
Morning or night. I haven't decided yet.

I'm excited.
Thanksgiving.
Friends.
Family.
BIrthdays.
Everything!
<3

And plus I turn 21 next Wednesday.
Awesome.

But we're going out Tuesday night.
Even better.
And so November 27th, 2007.
Fox and Hound.
Late-ish.
15th & Spruce.
Be there.

So maybe its to good to be hopeful.
Especially when you don't even make a true effort.
But whatever.
I drank and smoked last night.
And it was great.
And good times were had.
And i totally love some of the equinox people.
Some, not so much.
But still.
Loveeeee.

I knoe I shouldn't get my hopes up.
But sometimes a girl needs to.
Sometimes its a good thing to believe.
To think that something good could come of whatever happens.

Worry.
Why do I let myself worry?
Wondering what in the world did I do?

now nothings adding up and nothings making sense...

i'm listening to ben folds right now.
and its making me so happy.
i miss this music.
i miss everyone.
i'm getting strangely nostalgic for everyone and everything.
home and fdu and new york and everything.

i dont know why.
i love where i am and what i'm doing.
i just got a sudden rush of "awww i wish i could see >insert person here<."

Its strange. But in a good way.
I'm glad I miss them.
It means I have a slight soul.
But it took me til now to get like this.
Either I've been happy, or busy, or both; so I couldn't notice.
But yeah...
I miss them, but I'm still happy to be here.

I guess missing or longing and unhappiness are not mutually exclusive as they seemed before.
But back then I was just unhappy all the time so it made sense...

Anyways..
The show has been oing well.
I'm sorry this entry is over two house late.
It happens.
I was with people,
There was alcohol.
You see where this is going.
Crappy beer and people wins out over no alcohol and computer always, thanks.
I want to have a party right now.
And I want to get drunk.
Really drunk,
And I want to kiss someone,
I dont really care who he is (thats a lie)
and I just want to be kissed.

Take the hint.
And do it.
K? Thanks

"Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."



To Write Love On Her Arms.

WWW.TWLOHA.COM

She sat.
She sat on the floor and waited.
She waited anxiously.
She waited for him.
She wanted to see him.
She wanted to speak to him.
She wanted him.
She knew that he thought nothing of her. She knew that he wouldn't miss her if she left.
She knew that there was not much she could do to change that, other than wait.
Perhaps in time that could change.
Perhaps...
But for now she will want him.
She will want to speak to him.
She will jwant to see him.
She will wait for him.
She will wait anxiously.
She will sit on the floor and wait.
She will sit.

i am currently at rehearsal for Equinox.
I am so over this.
I just want to go to bed.
Right now.


But there are a few good things to come of this...

Nothing like bonding.
Nothing like hanging out.
Nothing like insults to make friends.


its all good.
i guess.

I want this:

"I’m finally letting myself live on the edge of my skin where I only do something because it feels good. There was no work being done this weekend. I let my eyes rest instead of keeping them open for hours and hours under the dim light of my desk lamp. I danced with someone who thinks I’m amazing and while I assure him that I’m just a girl he stares at me as if I’m much more than that."


I'm jealous of someone I don't even know for being able to write that.
I can't.
And because I can't let go of my work and let go of my responsibilities and get myself away from my laptop and writing and reading long enough I might have ruined something...
but then again, maybe he should understand that this, school and everything, is really important to me.
i need to do well. i need to succeed.
...if he doesn't get that, if all he can think about is how I'm always busy with my work than maybe he's not worth it. Because when i was free, when he knew I'd be free, he never was.
So screw that.

Plus someone else has been making me smile lately...

totally fucked.

i just got home from tech.
mind you i came home for about an hour during tech, but that was because part of my job was to make a pasta salad thats needed in one of the shows (yeah, totally not really the wardrobe's job but whatevs)

my back hurts.
i need a massage.
any one wanna help out?
i'll find someone to do it tomorrow, or tuesday.
def. tuesday.

well this must be short and sweet because i have plenty of homework to do.
like make a model of the black box to scale.
because amy is crazy.
or i just fucked up and didnt have time to do it before this.
hence my issue now.
blah blah blah.
my life sucks. the end.


oh but i got my hair cut yesterday.
i brought the swoopy bangs back, yeah.
its hot.
totes.

oops!

i havent been home all day, hence the lack of posting.

well thats a lie. i've been home
but jersey home- not philly home
and without my laptop, thus rendering me unable to write on here
and when i was in philly it was for a really short time.
to get ready
cause then we went to a party
and i just got back
and i'm a little tipsy.
but only a little.
and later today, at 11am the 10outof12 starts for equinox
which is really not cool
and i dont want to do it or be on crew at all
because i'm really lazy
but apparently thats not a good thing or whatever
so i have to be tere to supervise the wardrobe, hence my being wardrobe surpervisor.
i dont know my crew at all.
but hopeully a grade time will be had.
and next weekend there better be a cast party
and i better get innebriated
because i havent done that enoguh here
and also note to those who read this
i will be 21 in17 days.
be ready.
have gifts
and alcohol
and be at fox and hound on the night of the 27th, going into the 28th and buy me drinks
cause i say soooo



i will try to do something later.
but i'm going to sleep now
and then theres loooonnnngggg rehearsal
followed by a sad, sad attempt at making a model for amy's class.
that thing is gonna suck so hardcore.


my head hurts.
i'm gonna pass out now.
goodnight.

when everything is counterfeit it makes me want to break...

cause really whats the point of me just coasting on the surface
we stop living when we claim its not worth it

This coming week is going to suck.
Just putting it out there.
Too much work.
Scale model. Unit 4-7 test. Theatrical analysis. Sol Shuman or Ellis Island, I'm not sure which. A Long Day's Journey Into Night. Equinox tech/performance. Life? Work. Home. Laundry. Understanding combat. Cracking the nut. Prop list. Learnng to not suck so much.


it will be complicated.
To say the least.

i have nothing to say with the exception of i hate set design and am not good at it.
not at all.

and i am not an over achiever that amy loves.
well... maybe i am a tiny bit but not much.
and i work my ass off. thats why i do well and why she likes me as a student. if she even does.
and yes i researched color meanings but i'm a nerd.
and i like going all out.


but i still have no idea what i'm doing with this.

"Don't cry. If you cry I shall go mad..."

I've been attemptng to write an essay on Good Morning, Midnight.
Its not happening.
I just cannot get into that book.
And I've been trying for quite some time.
Sasha is just such a bitch of a character that I can't sympathize for her at all.
She is far too alienating.

But anyways...
I made up my schedule for next semester, got the form signed and everything by Gene.

Mondays are going to suck in general. But thats just because they'll be long. 8:30 to 1, I think.
I might be wrong about that.
But yeah...


Help me get up the nerve...



And help me figure out how to design a set.
And how to fake like I care for a manifesto.
And how to write this paper.
And how to be perfect.
And how to make it til my birthday.
And how to casually invite someone out to get drinks.
And how to make him say yes.
And how to get him a fake ID cause I dont think he's old enough...



and yeah i think thats it.

i'm a small town girl...

Lab was cancelled today.
Good thing too. Cause I did not want to be there.
I'm just over it at the moment.
But yeah...

I want to approach someone,
And I just don't know how to.
Explain to me what I should do to initiate it.
I'm bad at these kind of things.



God, I am a broken record.
But if its true, its true.
And it is true.
I just don't know.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be a set designer.
My thumbnails that I'm drawing for Collaboration are horrible.
Well, not horrible.
But pretty damn bad.
I do not have the drawing skills required for this.
Or any idea what I'm doing at all.

Awesome.






"we can do better than that." <3.

Why do I get my hopes up?

I shouldn't.
I really should work to fix myself.
Not get so "!" over the tiniest things
But its just an automatic reaction.
I try and I try.
But I can't do it.
I'm just one of those people.
I like to have crushes.
I like to get my hopes up.
Unfortunately, I get let down.And then I get upset.
And then I bounce back.
And then I get my hopes up once more.
Its a continuous vicious cycle.
And I hate it.
And I love it.
And I can't give it up.
No matter how much I claim I want to.

And so I won't work to fix myself.
I'll do things like claim I'm going to, as I just did.
But I know I won't.
I'll keep going
The same way I always do.
And maybe eventually it'll work out.

He felt like the sun to me on those cold November nights...

Its getting cold now.
Suddenly the temperature has drastically dropped.
As I write this it is only 52 degrees outside.
Something of a major decrease, wouldn't you say?

But anyways.
I had my advising meeting with Gene at which both of us were slightly lost.
But I'm thinking it will work out.
I have a general idea of the classes I want to take, and there are two options that I would need to be signed into but I don't think that will be an issue.
My only fear is of my 8:30 writing class.
I can barely make it to the 10 o'clock writing, 8:30 might be an unsurmountable challenge.
But hopefully I will make it through. Nicole is a cool enough teacher to let things like absences or passing out in class fly.

I've been thinking.
I get far too invested into people and happenings far too fast.
I just like to dive in, feet first.
But thats also a way to get hurt.
I don't think of the repercussions that go with my actions, instead I act and then afterward I get a rush of everything that could possibly go wrong. But its never really before hand, its always after the fact.
Which is bad news.



I hoped you would call.
I don't know why I thought it would happen.
I just thought that there might be some follow through finally.
After such a long time of skirting the issue or even communication in general, I thought a wall had been broken through.
But maybe not.
Or maybe you don't even remember it.
Thats more likely.
At least thats what I'm telling myself.
It makes me feel better.
Slightly.

This November swallows me whole.

I haven't done this in a long time but I'm gonna try the every day of the month posting once more.
I just feel like when i do this it gives me something more to look back on.

And so... lets start November off with a bang.

I just actually gave someone my number didn't I?
Someone I haven't even seen in... I don't know how many months.
Who am I?

And further more I have a meeting in about 6 hours with Gene for advising so we can figure out what the hell to do with my classes. Damned scheduling.
And even further...
I don't know what to do about this situation.
I want to be like, hey you're cool. lets hang out.
but this is just such a small group that it would get around like that.
so i cant even tell anyone what i'm even thinking about cause yeah...
i shouldnt even be writing this cause so much could be inferred.
ughhhhhh.


also everyone should wish for matt to break things this afternoon.
because he's gonna walk in that room, sing his little spring awakening heart out and the casting people are gonna be like "oh yeah thats why we called you back again. bitch, you hired." (at least this is how it works in my head, followed shortly thereafter by me coming to visit him in his dressing room where the two of us are singing and they just happen to hear it and go "oh shit, you too. you're cast" and i say "but i never auditioned" and they say "are you really fighting this? " and i say "no." and then i'm in a real show. the end.
and then bare is remounted off broadway and me being a big spring awakening star that i am would bring some star quality to it, so they cast me as nadia and everything is right in the world.