Okay so I was by myself at work today and I randomly got inspired and started writing a monologue that is now leading into a whole play. I already have three scenes done and a fourth started! But anyways. The opening is a monologue.

LIGHTS UP

Alison, a twenty three year old from "anywhere", sits in the middle of the stage. She is applauding someone who just addressed the "group". She congratulates this person on their bravery and ability to speak so candidly about their life when she abruptly stops and looks up as if called on.

Alison: Oh, its my turn? Oh... Okay then. Well, hi. My names Alison and... I date unavailable men. Well, actually no that's not true, I don't date them, at least not usually. Most of the time these men are so unavailable that we can't even get to the dating stage. Maybe we'll do the pre-dating talking thing but it never gets beyond that. I've been wondering why this happens for awhile now and I think I've finally come to a conclusion.

I have horrible taste. Well, no, not horrible but its like I don't see these guys as they really are. I see them as intelligent and cute and funny- which is the complete truth, but I always miss out on the one big thing. The huge part of who they are and how they live their lives. Ya know what I mean? No? Well... how else can I say it... Ummm... Its like they would date me, love me, marry me, sex me except for the fact that they don't... you know, they don't... screw it. They're gay! I always fall for gay men. God knows what this says about me and my psyche- but its the truth. Maybe its because I've grown up doing theater so I spent more time with gay boys than straight. But wouldn't you be able to tell who's gay and who's straight easier from having so much experience with them? Apparently not! Maybe I just have really bad gay-dar, or I'm so desperate for a man I'll take anything. All I know is I always pick out the gays.

There's a joke my friends have. They always say "How do you know if a guy is gay? If you show him to Alison and she likes him!" (deadpan)Hah. I've always thought that one was hilarious. Truly a knee-slapper. But... I digress.

So yeah. That is my issue. And no I'm not attracted to gay men because I'm secretly a lesbian. I've heard that theory thrown around and I'm just not biting. In all honesty the thought of "being" with another girl... it just skeeves me out. I mean no offense to lesbians or anything... but its just not my cup of tea. Ya know?

But, yes. That is my problem, really bad gay-dar coupled with a desperate need to be loved. And the result of that combo- me.

LIGHTS DOWN





maybe let me know what you think?
its rough and just an idea of sorts from when i was sitting at things remembered doing nothing all morning cause we had no customers. but i kind of like it... maybe?

I don't know what other people see
or what they think is love
But I know what it means to me
I fall in love so easily
And it's hard to let your guard down
Something you never wanted to
I gave you my love and if you turned away
I guess i'd be screwed, but...

I'm a hopeless romantic
You're just hopeless

Beer and wine does me fine but
it doesn't always do
When i get back up and dust off
I always come back to you.
I'm my own man with my own plan
I can't do the things you want me to
I'm kinda lazy and I kinda stink
But I'll clean myself up for you

Oh my God I must have blinders on or something.
How do I not know these things?Am I that oblivious?
Just chalk it up to bad taste one more time.
How can I be so blind?
Idiot.



Anyways.. I should be at work right now.
I was on the schedule from 1 til 5.
Yet here I am. At home. At 2:30 in the afternoon...
Something about this doesn't add up.
Maybe it is because there was no one there when I walked into the mall.
The store was locked.
The gate was down. The lights were off.
Its not like I have a key or any way of getting in,
and even if I did get in I have no idea what to do or where anything is.
I am still training! I have worked three days so far.
I am not ready to do anything like that.
So the store was closed.
And I didn't get the memo, cause someone decided to not come in.
And now there are a ton of angry people (this is all a guess) who wanted their items today. Who were planning on picking up gifts for Fathers Day. Today. And then giving thme to their fathers.
And now they don't have them. And they'll be angry.
And if I have to go into work and deal wit hany of them- I will be angry too.
Even more than I am right now.
I might only be losing $28. But still. That is $28 that I don't have right now.




Moving on...


I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


I was stupid. And I made a bad choice.
Don't hold it against me.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I'm human. Its what we were designed to do.
I don't know what else to do...

i officially have a job.
i start in less than ten hours.
fun.

party in maryland on saturday night was interesting.
phone calls are never good ideas. ever.
especially not when you are drinking unknown alcohols.

into the woods will be good.
it must be.


and maybe...


maybe it is time to stop wishing.
take a risk. make a choice.
everything might be up to chance.
but sometimes you need to push chance along- right?

they pulled the last video.
thats depressing.

anyways.

just saw knocked up.
i liked a fair amount.



tonight it holy cross' graduation.
i want to go.
but i have no means of transportation at the moment.
its times like this i actually regret not being able to drive.