and then i decided to write a book.

and this is the opening chapter.

She would sit in the corners of small cafes and watch the world go by. Claire never knew exactly what it was she was looking for but she knew that she never found it. She would sit, sipping her coffee, waiting. She would watch the couples strolling by, arms linked together happily. She would sneer. “Love,” she thought. “What a bunch of bullshit.”

Claire was a cynic. She did not believe in stupid matters like love and romance. She knew that there was no such thing in the world. The idea of being forever tied to another person was one to be completely abhorred in her mind. Marriage? No, thank you. Claire would much prefer to wade through the murky waters of life on her own. She did not need another person lagging along to point out what she was doing wrong., as she was sure any partner, if they could be called that, would do. Rather, Claire preferred her solitude. She liked to sit on her own, observing the world. Seeing what everyone was doing wrong, in her opinion, as that was the only one that could matter.

As she spent her days, working in an office, typing press releases, Claire grew restless. “There must be something to do,” she thought. But alas, there was not. Claire, in her unending cynicism, had alienated any friends she might have once had. They did not take kindly to being told that their way of life was wrong, as Claire insisted she do. Thus, there was no one to help Claire when she reached moments such as this one. And so, on she went, going about her daily routine, lacking gusto. She would work all day, spending her evenings in the café, acting the voyeur to others’ lives.

To use the term voyeur may not be appropriate. In many cases today this has a certain sexuality attached to it. In the case of Claire there was nothing of the sort. She just watched. And judged. She was a very judgmental person. Anyone who did not seem to agree with the strict guidelines she set forth to live by, such as the no relationships rule, was to be looked down upon. And Claire gladly did that. There were small moments when she would begin to doubt herself and the choices she made, but they were quickly brushed away. She might regret for a moment her choices but not for long. She knew that what she was doing must be correct, right?

One evening, not long after Claire began to think on her choices as regrets she noticed something new. As she sat in her regular seat in the café, the front corner between the counter and the window to avoid contact with others, Claire saw something. It was only out of the corner of her eye, but she thought she saw a flash of light. This would not have been so distracting on any other day, but today had been particularly cloudy. It was the kind of day Claire enjoyed, as it often matched her outlook. But there, just a few feet away there was a flash of light. Not quite like a beam of lightening but something. It was something white and radiant and beautiful, like a solitary Northern Light, in the middle of the cold Philadelphia streets.

As soon as she saw it Claire began to doubt herself. She knew that there was no way something like an Aurora Borealis could occur as a singular event, especially not in the middle of a Philadelphia street. She rationalized with herself. “There must have been a car driving by, a light reflected off of it and caused that flash. It was simply a reflection.” But it was not simple at all. Far from it. Little did Claire know that flash of light was one that would forever change her existence.

a long list of wants (201 posts as of now)

a long list of wants.

This is what I wrote during MT History on Thursday.
I probably should pay attention in class, but this happens instead.


I want to take walks down these Philadelphia streets in the sun and in the rain. I want to run around Washington Square and be happy. I want to have a boy who will call me at 2 am to say goodnight or at 4am to sing drunken voice mails for me. I want him to love my voice. I want someone who will be willing to hold my hand. I want him to not be ashamed of having fun, of acting foolish. I want him to want to go out some nights. I want him to want to stay in others. I want him to go flower picking in the sidewalk cracks with me. I want to make daisy chains. I want to feel free and unencumbered. I want to sit on the marble steps and sip cool lemonade. I want to write songs and stories and poems. I want to make a prank phone call. I want to walk along the river. I want to dance an Irish jig. I want to be invincible. I want to feel a real connection. I want to listen to an opera. I want to really speak French. I want to walk barefoot down a cobblestone street. I want to visit Italy. I want to understand Braille. I want to take over the world. I want to be the only one. I want to read a new book everyday. I want to act on a stage. I want to win a Pulitzer Prize. I want to understand. I want love. I want hand holding. I want hugs in the morning and kisses at night. I want to feel full. I want to be held. I want a life. I want a ring from a machine. I want a bouncy ball. I want a pony! I want to lose it. I want to lose control. I want to be unique. I want to be commanding, but not domineering. I want success. I want a boy. I want a boy who is funny. I want a boy who is cute- to me at least. I want a boy who can laugh and sing and play guitar and hold hands and make flower crowns and dance and play and love and be serious and talk and write and understand and comprehend and think and just be with me. And be happy.

I really just want to be happy.

Hail, mortal!

Jessica's photogrpahy final is taking pictures of everyone in her Midsummer make-up designs. I'm peaseblossom.

where does it hurt?

theres a million streets to walk down in this city of broken hearts
but there will always be a place for you inside my arms...



I walked around the city tonight.
I wandered and wandered, where ever I felt the need to go.
I ended up walking down and all around old city.
I walked past the liberty bell, had a little moment with myself there.
Just thinking.

But as I walked I got to feel very... well, sad.
Its amazing how many people can surround you and you still feel incredibly alone.
I was on my own, so it makes sense that I would feel by myself.
But it was more than that.
It was like I was alone in the world.
Completely.
Like there was no one who could understand me, or be with me, or talk to me, or anything.

It was as though I was just me.
And it wasn't okay.
I know I should be okay with the idea that I can be on my own.
And that I am independent.
And that I don't need to rely on other person.
But the truth is I'm not. And I do.
I do need others.

I need someone who can understand me.
And be with me
And like me.
And maybe even love me.

This is sad, but really I just want to find someone who I can go on those walks with.
Who will hold my hand and tell me its okay.
Who will call me just to talk.
Who will think of me.
Who will look forward to seeing me
Who will hug me and make my problems go away.
Who will not fix my problems, but help me through them.

I'm asking for too much, I know.
But it's what I want.
Not necessarily need, but definitely want.
And hope to find.

The problem is I don't know how to go about finding this person.
Whoever he is.
This magical guy who will fix things.
Who will do all that I just wrote.
I don't even know how to find one who will just kiss me for the night.

I just...
I suck at this game.
And I want to be better.
And I want to find a boy.
And I want to find one now.

The end.

Is she real or is she fake?
Is she as she appears or is it all smoke and mirrors?

What do the Hindenberg, the USS Akron and Governor McGreevey have in common?

Answer: They all went down in New Jersey.




fantastic.

"You've always been barely alive."

I have a lump in my throat. It won't go away.
It's like this irking fear is just sitting there.
I don't know what it is of or from.
But it's there. Ever present.

It's amazing to get perspective on your life.
Where you are and where you've been and where you're going.

Today while listening to Assassins as research for MT History I started to read my old journals.
It's amazing. When I think about it I feel like the same person, but then I read my words and see what I was talking about and thinking about and going through.
I really have grown up. Especially over the past five years.
It makes sense, going from 15 and 16 to 21 is a big change.
But still...
In my mind I'm still a child in some ways.
Some very big ways.
But in actuality, I'm a grown up.
I'm what I wanted to be in some ways
And in others I'm a huge disappointment to myself.
This is far to complicated to really explain but..,
suffice to say I have grown up a lot as of late.
And I don't realize it until too late.
Or not too late - but... later than expected?

Am I behind the curve?
Am I so far off course?
Am I really who I wanted to be?
Am I a disappointment?
Am I a dream come true?
What am I?
Honestly.
Tell me.

Who are you? Who, who, who, who.

Its funny to see how different people perceive you.
The way I see myself and the way others do is completely different.
I know this is kind of dumb but I was honestly on face book.
There is an application called "Compare People" where literally that is all you do.
There are things like who smells better, who would you rather be trapped on a desert island with, who would you rather kiss, who is smarter, etc.
The topics cover a fairly wide range.
But I was just looking at the different ways I have been voted.
People think of me as the smart girl. Some have voted me smartest. What?
Honestly?
I have never felt like the smart girl.
I know I'm intelligent and I know a lot of random facts and can quote them back to people but thats not 'smarts', thats being a parrot. And I'm a good little parrot.
But people have voted me as better at science.
Mind you, I don't know who they were voting between, maybe I am better at science that someone else. But I doubt it. I am the girl who struggled through Chemistry of Food a little over a year ago. Only a matter of two semesters ago was I attempting to soldier my way through Weather and Climate. And don't even get me started on high school science, me and them never got along very well.

I guess I just see myself as average. I know some things. I don't know others.
I don't think I'm extraordinary. I don't think i suck at life though.
I'm just me. Just a regular girl. Nothing special.

I just feel like if people see me one way, but I see myself another- which one is the truth?
Am I who they believe me to be, or who I feel I am as an individual?
Do they decide for me or do I finally step up to the plate and decide for myself?
Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I just have this tendency of over-thinking, which if you know me at all you will be very familiar with. And maybe thats all that I am doing right now. But... I just don't know. I feel like a big part of who I am is based on how others feel towards me. Their reactions to me shape my further actions. If they're negative I close off, positive and I open up.
It's all so... Just so. I'm not sure where I was originally intending to go with this but I think I'm a little satisfied with where it ended up.
And so I leave you with a question:
Are we who we decide to be, or who others make us out to be?



Additionally, I'd just like to put it out there that I semi-conquered a fear today. I stood at the top of a straight extension ladder in the Arts Bank and managed to hang two 2ks, which are insanely heavy lights. I did not break anything or anyone and I didn't cry. I might have come close when my phone started to go off while I was crazy high up in the air, but I held back. And I made it through. And I'm a little bit proud of myself.
Go me.

This is wonderful...

"Tom, you are aware that I like you. You already know that. But lately I get the feeling… I mean, it is now pretty obvious that these are some problems here. Issues, or whatever. And we need to get over them or… well, you know. Things that I don’t wanna think about. So please, you need to stay in this . Focuses on it, so don’t drift off or anything. I love you so much. I really do, Tom. I feel a connection with you that I haven’t allowed myself to dream of, let alone be a part of, in so long. Maybe ever. But I can’t be with you if you’re feeling something other than that same thing I am… completely and utterly open to that other person. I don’t know what to say here, Tom… I’m worried sick. Look at me… when did you ever see me not eat a hot dog that was placed in front of me, huh? (tries to chuckle) I know you hate those jokes, sorry, but I’m… Tom, tell me about it. I know you’re thinking something, so we might as well just,,, one more thing. Just this. And I’ve never said this to anyone, not any other person in the world. Ever. My parents or a… no one. I would change for you. I would. I don’t mean Slim-Fast or that one diet that the guy on TV did… with the sandwiches from Subway. That guy… I’ll do something radical to myself if you want me to. Like be stapled or have some surgery or whatever it takes- one of those rings- because I do not want this to end. I’m willing to do that, because of what you men to me. The kind of ecstasy that you’ve brought me. So… I just wanted you to know that… This would be an excellent time to say something sweet to me. If you at all care about my feelings."



acting class.
monologues.
that is mine.
neil labute.
fatpig.
wonderful.
the end.

I really would...

I'd rather be nine people's favorite thing
than a hundred people's ninth favorite thing.


still waiting on that possible news from last week.

to say the least, the professional world sucks so far as being on time with things.
or atleast thats what it seems like.

So I have not updated since 6221 was just ending. My last post was actually when I got home from the cast party. My bad. I've been very busy. In the time since then I have managed to asst. stage manage a show which had its final dress last night and went wonderfully. I've also had spring break, chopped off a large portion of my hair, visited Fairleigh Ridiculous, and many other tales of woe and joy. It's been a good month.
I'm not too sure what to say, but in the next few days I may have a lot of news so I'm going to hold off until I get word.Suffice to say, I am trying my damnedest to not be in Philadelphia or Burlington for the summer.
<3.

dunk drunk drunk drunk drunky mcdrunkerson.



for reals.

I found this.

I didn't write it. But that doesn't stop it from being true.
Very, very true.

"I just want to go to every rest stop in America. I want to hang my clothes on a clothesline and wear yellow rubber gloves when I do the dishes. I want to be a librarian; I want to marry a janitor. I want to go to a prom. I want to eat cheese doodles in the car and wear a black hoodie sweatshirt. I want my car to break down at night. You and I will run into a haunted house and kiss for hours. I want to drink whiskey and watch a movie somewhere far away. I want to see the weather change when I drive. I always want to hear your voice in my house, I love that sound. I wish we were trapped in an attic. I wish we were driving to Nebraska, we could make out in cornfields. I'll make you oatmeal and then we'll drive and drive. I want to go fishing and not talk for hours. "

kicking it around.

Well today's date is February 18.
If I want to try and get something into Equinox I need to have it finished and submitted by March 6th. I didn't want to submit anything but its been pointed out to me that the school will be more receptive and willing to workshop or do a reading of or do something with my senior project when the time comes. And also a few people have told me I should do something for it, just for the sake of writing and submitting and all that fun. So yeah, I decided I would.
And at the moment this is the idea I am kicking around. And by kicking around I mean I've started to write but I'm not sure if I like it.

At a college radio station.
-will cover one night of the show, discussing ‘college’ issues like majors and whats the point of them – how to choose them? How are we supposed to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives at the age of 17, because that’s how old we are when we apply to school. As the different outsiders come by (or call in!) they’ll add their two cents and by the end the host ‘Sam’ will realize that its okay to not know what you’re doing with your life, so long as you don’t let that limit yourself. There may be an in studio guest and also different call-ins such as stoners who make no sense and different drunks, but also those who add to the conversation and make valid points about college life and knowing who you are and what you want to do- without being under the influence of… something.


we'll see what happens. if i can finish it. if i can figure out what i want to do. if i can get anywhere with writing at all.


i have way to many projects going on at the same time.
and oh shit- i have a report due on the musical 'working' on the 6th too.
damn.

'What time of day are you?'

You are 2:11 a.m.

Your time of day has a split personality -- sometimes it's sweat-streaked and loud, and you're on the dance floor, getting your third wind, and shouting lyrics like you'll never run out of energy. You are the time of night that carves itself into your memory forever, because you'll never forget how much you love these people and this moment and this song. It's not always about unforgettable parties, though. Sometimes your late night (err… early morning) burst of energy happens when you're home alone. Those are the times when you say, "I flat out refuse to go to sleep until I finish reading this book, or typing this page, or reorganizing my entire closet." In either case, you are the time of night when it feels sort of forbidden to be awake, but you love accomplishing something special long after everyone else went to bed. And hey -- you can always catch up on sleep tomorrow, right?



sounds about right.




tech starts tonight.
so not cool.
i am already feeling like i'm falling behind but after this week i'm going to be screwed. what a way to truly start the semester...

i am not all about this.
i seriously want to just finish this semester right now.
i want to move to new york immediately and start working.
or have an internship. or just do something.
i am over school work right now.
and its not because i dont like it, i love it.
but i'm just so tired.
i just want a little break or something.
but i'm not going to get one until march 8th.
i am counting the days for the next month with an eagerness unknown.


like seriously.

if they didn't hurt they wouldn't call them crushes.

that john hughes knows something...


also i am already dead from this semester and its only the second monday/ 3rd week of sort. its gonna be a long semester. a really very long semester.

"Writers are thieves. We evesdrop at the supermarket, we sneak off at parties and write down things people say."

I haven't posted in over a week.
I've been sort of busy.
What with being away in the Dominican (obviously I did not get to stay and form my own band of mini-bandits or infuse some children with some west side story styled choreography. damn.) And then going to New York for one day and deciding to do so at the absolute last minute. And moving back to Philadelphia. And starting classes. And actually having my meeting with Amy. And planning out my entire life for the next two years. Its absolutely crazy.


I can't believe I'm actually following through with my plan of sorts. I mean I've done step one already. Met with Amy. And while there we made my 'graduation plan' meaning we went over all the classes I need to take to get my degree and how long it will take me to earn it. AS a rule of the university I must be here for 5 semesters, 2 and a half years. Placing me as graduating in December 2009. Only one semester later than I was originally supposed to. And now, thanks to our clever planning, I should be able to do this. Amy and I sat for an hour Tuesday afternoon trying to sort everything out and just talking about why I want to fast track it. She understands me and my feelings about being older than the other people in my classes and also about my guilt toward making my parents pay so much because even after my scholarships its expensive, I'm not sure if it's more than FDU but its still expensive and I don't want them to work themselves to death or anything just to pay for my schooling, but I can't really make the money I need while being in school and I certainly can't get the loans for it because I already have my own debts and absolutely no credit (I should fix that). So hopefully this will all work out. But if it doesn't I will definitely finish by May 2010. Only one year late. Meaning I'd have been here for 3 years, which is okay.
My own personal plan is to open a bank account that I won't really touch and to take half of the money I make over the next few years and put it into that account. Then when it comes time for grad school (if I get in) I will have some money put away so I can pay part of it on my own. And then I will possibly be able to get another loan and I'll be able to afford it.

Also we discussed my Senior Project, or at least the possibility of it. If I can pull it off I want to have a staged reading/ workshop/ something! of a one act musical I am currently working on. I can't promise that it would be that great as a whole but the pieces I have started I already like. Two songs and the scenes they are part of especially, they make me quiet happy. And I never like my own work.

But anyways aside from that stuff I've been doing a bunch of things. Starting classes- taking 18 credits now (which is funny cause about a week ago I was in 13.5). But I'm no longer in voice lessons because they didn't fit in with my schedule or with money (they cost extra! whats that about since we're already paying for the credits?) I am however in Musical Theatre History as taught by a man who knows Allen Cohen! (He told me to tell the techer he said hi, hahaha) And also I'm in Stage Management with Anna which might be a little bit insane just based on some of the people in the class. Wonderful.

Oh and there was a super-last minute New York trip for Jessica and I. While we were way we randomly got internet and I got a facebook thing as a part of a group that there was an extra Jamboree being added on Saturday night at midnight. Jess wanted to go so I sent Joe a message seeing if he thought it would be sold out or what since we wouldn't even be back in America until late Friday night. But he hadn't answered me by the time we got home so I called the Laurie Beechman just to see and they said it was sold out, completely and that there was no hope for me. Fun times. But Saturday morning I check my facebook and theres an answer from Joe saying that he would get us in if we wanted to go and to message him and let him know. And so I txtd saying that he would forever be my hero if he could get us into the 9:30 show (we couldn't go to the midnight one due to lack of trains home). Not even 4 minutes later my phone rings and it was Joe saying that he would get us in. Come hell or highwater (well not really thats dramatic but I like that phrase) we would be in that theater. I believe he actually said that we would be sitting on stage if we had to, but dammit we would be in that theater somehow. Hot, right? So after organizing and packing our stuff to go back to Philly we got ready and we left and took the train to New York and got some coffee (Dunkin Donuts, of course). Then it was off to the Beechman to see some Jamboree. We were actually on the list and everything and we got real seats at a table ( I was so paranoid I'd get there and firstly no one from the group of them would remember me from earlier in the month and then we wouldn't have anywhere to sit and just a whole bunch of things going wrong. Like the way my life normally does) But we were at the show and we got to see people and talk to them and people did remember who I was, I guess I'm not as invisible as I fear and it was just a great night. By the time we got home it was late, around 2 something in the morning because of the train and issues so we passed out and then the next day it was back to Philadelphia.

Nicole came to visit on Sunday! After I moved everything back in and put everything away she showed up! It was so great to hang out with her again. Even though its only been a little while since we saw each other on January 5th its still a long time, considering that we lived together for one year and then saw each other atleast 5 days a week another, and then we went many many many months without seeing each other. But now its all good. But we hung out and I showed her around a tiny tiny tiny bit - not much to look at when its so cold and ugly out. But then we had people over to the apartment, not quite a party but certainly a gathering with alcohol and movies and whatnots. But it was fun.
And then it was Monday and after Nicole left to go home in the afternoon I headed to the shop so I could start working again. Back to the grind.

On Tuesday classes started and and then it was pint night and so it went today too with new classes and then we had a small project runway viewing party (because Kaitlin couldn't) and now I'm here.
And now I'm going to read a trashy romance novel until I fall asleep since I have to get up at 7:30 for my 8:30 class (so not cool).

But first a little video I made at the jamboree cause it was a good time and I completley love the song.

""

"I wanna take you through a wasteland I like to call my home "

If you recognize the above lyric and do not do so by way of Google you will gain about 30 cool points in my book. And you'll get an extra one if you figure out its relevance to me at this very moment.

I've finished packing. Mostly. All my clothing and whatnots are done with. Now its a matter of figuring out carry-on items. Obviously those will include: i-pod, classic composition book (both are always on my being somewhere), books (but which ones to bring? I'm thinking I'll go with 'Junior' by Macaulay Culkin because a) it looks crazy f-ed up, and b) i have yet to read it. And them I'm at a loss for literature. This break has been particularly hard on my wallet, thus I am lacking in reading material for lack of purchasing ability. I might take some books from Nicholas, perhaps some Neil Gaiman? Or maybe I'll steal Fake.Liar.Cheat. / The Fuck-Up / Perks of Being A Wallflower. My copies of these books are in Philadelphia rather than on the other side of the wall like his are... I guess I'll ask. Or maybe I'll go shopping in the morning at all the duty-free stores while we wait at the Newark Airport.)

Oh yes, we are flying out of Newark. Driving into the bad weather, snow and all. It will be a party. Of momentous size too. Meaning everyone else will probably end up falling asleep in the car while my father drives and I'll put on the i-pod and not pass out but happily think of the coming 4 days in the sun and devote a tiny thought to the regrettable feelings that will sneak up on me when Friday comes and its time to return to the real world. I've been told that even though I don't officially have a seat on the plane to come home I am not allowed to give up and stay in the Dominican Republic. I found this very upsetting.

I personally don't understand why I'm not allowed to stay in a random foreign country illegally. I could make my money, singing on street corners. Perhaps hustling money from tourists.

[cut from Caitlin sitting on bedroom floor with laptop to Caitlin walking down the mean streets of the Domincan Republic. Her skin is very dark and she is looking fairly South American in her own right for someone who is Irish and Italian. Behind her there is a band of small children, they are all very tough looking. The children are breaking into random dance moves, also yelling words like "BAM!", "ZAP!", and "POW!" They are a force to be reckoned with, a group to be feared, and Caitlin is their leader, their Queen.]


I would fantasize about leading a small gang of children and molding them into those most likely to appear as the Puerto Ricans in West Side Story... But I really would be a mighty fierce leader - you know I would.


I guess I should stop doing this and start packing my carry-on. I'm just so lazy though...


Shame.

Fruit Strip Gum.

Fruit Strip Gum.
I'm chewing a piece right now and its like I'm reliving (or re-chewing) my childhood.
This was by far my favorite candy. "Yipes, Stripes! Its Fruit Stripe Gum!"
In my young mind it was perfection in stick form. In chewing it now I am getting painfully nostalgic for days long past. Days when I was at Saint Paul. Days when life was easier and friends were plentiful and there was not nearly the drama there is now. I have a stick of the peach flavor in my mouth, by far the one I liked the least but still I love it. I'm so tempted to be like a third grader and put on the tattoos. The one on this particular wrapper is the zebra surf boarding.

Life was so much easier when this gum was in style...

And then I get left behind...

Apparently our plane for coming home from the Dominican Republic is over booked.
And the way its overbooked is in a way making me not have a seat. The other four members of my family have seats on the plane. Me, not so much. So I am going to be left behind in paradise. Not really a bad thing, but still- it doesn't surprise me that I would be the one stuck. Gi-zayyyyyy.

And also would anyone like a song that has the lines

"I don’t like you
Not like that at least.
You were never the one for me.

I don’t like you.
I’m sorry but its done.
This is the way things have to be."


Its somewhere in a song I started a little while ago (while watching Harry Potter 1 [they all look like babies!])