"You've always been barely alive."

I have a lump in my throat. It won't go away.
It's like this irking fear is just sitting there.
I don't know what it is of or from.
But it's there. Ever present.

It's amazing to get perspective on your life.
Where you are and where you've been and where you're going.

Today while listening to Assassins as research for MT History I started to read my old journals.
It's amazing. When I think about it I feel like the same person, but then I read my words and see what I was talking about and thinking about and going through.
I really have grown up. Especially over the past five years.
It makes sense, going from 15 and 16 to 21 is a big change.
But still...
In my mind I'm still a child in some ways.
Some very big ways.
But in actuality, I'm a grown up.
I'm what I wanted to be in some ways
And in others I'm a huge disappointment to myself.
This is far to complicated to really explain but..,
suffice to say I have grown up a lot as of late.
And I don't realize it until too late.
Or not too late - but... later than expected?

Am I behind the curve?
Am I so far off course?
Am I really who I wanted to be?
Am I a disappointment?
Am I a dream come true?
What am I?
Honestly.
Tell me.