the quotes of my facebook.

'm pretty sure college is just a metaphor for some awkward fruit, like guava. -Bernie O'Brien

It is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed. It is shyness before any sort of new and unforseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope, but only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical, will live the relation to another as something alive.-Rilke

With him life was routine, without him life was unbearable. - To Kill A Mockingbird

"We're all terrified, but let's just live anyway."-Raul Esparza

“it is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that’s dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It’s so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can’t say the things you want to.” — Henry Rollins

"Tell me everything; when you'll be out again, where you'll be at Christmas and that you think of me and love me... I don't want you for a day (though I'd sell my toes to see you now my dear, only for a minute, to kiss you once and make a funny face at you): a day is the length of a gnat's life: I want you for the lifetime of a big, mad animal, like an elephant." -Dylan Thomas

"Great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex, and sex disguised as love... " -Almost Famous

and as the awkwardness grew so did the obviousness of what was bound to happen from the start. the night ended with two touches of lips-Kurt Halsey

caitlin reed caitlin reed she's too cool for 7th grade
caitlin reed she's like one in a MILLION!
-Mark Jesse Swanson

"i wanna marry him and we'll have little theater babies." -nicole.

wasting time

2009 - thank god it's almost over...

ANSWER THE QUESTIONS:


Stayed single almost the whole year?
yes.

Done something you've regretted?
i try not to regret anything major i've done.

Lost someone?
yes (<3 RIP Spanky)

Cut class?
yup.

Were involved in something you'll never forget?
oh yes.

Visited a different country?
Nope, not in 2009.

Cooked a gross meal?
it's likely.

Lost something important to you?
yes.

Got a gift you adore?
Yes!

Tripped over a coffee table?
Most definitely.

Dyed your hair?
Nope!

Came close to losing your life?
Not that I know of.

Went to a party?
Several.

Read a great book?
Many.

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
YES! Best birthday ever.


2009: Friends and Enemies

Did you meet any new friends this year?
Many.

Did you dislike anyone?
OH YEAH.

Did you grow apart from anyone?
Unfortunately, but it was inevitable I guess.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
Time management issues, plus the whole being in school while my friends are all out in the real world.


2009: Your BIRTHDAY!

Did you have a cake?
Nope. But I did get some sort of Stephen Starr dessert with a candle on top.

Did you have a party?
Nope. A concert.

Did you get any presents?
A hair cut, a pedicure, gift cards to the book store and mountain goats tickets.

Were you single?
Yes.


2009: All about YOU

Did you change at all this year?
Yes. It's impossible to stay completely the same, isn't it?

Did you change your style?
My clothes became more simplistic. Black leggings, white mens t-shirts, ballet flats/flipflop/boots.

Were you in school?
Yes.

Did you get good grades?
Good enough.

Did you drive?
Never!

Did you own a car?
No need.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I know of. Anyone wanna fess up?

Did you move at all?
Only for the summer.

Did you go on any vacations?
Nope.

Would you change anything about yourself now?
Always.

2009 WRAP UP:

Was 2009 a good year?
It was a year of really high highs and incredible lows.

When did things change for you if they did?
May 11, July 2, September 12.

Do you think 2010 will be better then 2009?
Yes. I hope so at least.

My best friends in 2009 were?
ACH. Family. 1414.

In 2009 I....

(x) stayed single for the whole year
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
( ) had your heart broken
( ) mooned someone
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) done something you've regretted

OTHER

( ) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog on MySpace
( ) visited a foreign country
(x) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
( ) lied about how old you were
( ) prank called someone

In 2009 I also....

[x] broke a promise
[ ] fell out of love
[x] told a little white lie
[x] lied
[x] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[x] slept under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[ ] forgot your new years resolution
[ ] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life.
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[x] pretended to be sick
[ ] left the country
[ ] almost died
[x] given up on something/someone important to you
[x] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you
[x] had a high cell phone bill
[x] spent most of your money on food
[ ] had a fist fight
[x] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
[x] gotten sick

HERE'S TO 2010 - IT'S GOTTA BE BETTER!

oy. unnecessary drama. but whatever. i can't control it. i just want to put it out there, its my fault and no one elses. it was my choice, my invitation.

blah.


the last week of classes is upon us. i don't know what i am doing. tomorrow i have a case study due. i have no idea what to do about it. i am struggling. and i really kind of just want to go out to the bar tonight. but i won't i'm going to be good tonight and do ym work. and write my case puzzle and then work on my play and then figure out when i can maybe film for my documentary and then cry myself to sleep.

at least i ended up with 3 shifts at doc watsons this week. friday- day, saturday and sunday-night (first cut). it feels like it should be thursday already, not barely tuesday.

ugh.

and in a moment your low self-esteem can be helped, not fixed, but helped.
and boosted.

and my god it can be fun.

low self-esteem moments are the pits.

two touches of lips

with the door propped open we again delayed
the necessary farewell
for sleep's sake
and as the awkwardness grew
so did the obviousness of what was bound to happen
from the start.

the night ended with two touches of lips.

-kurt halsey.




Just something I liked and seemed right to me at this moment.

Happy thanksgiving, by the way!

i put on my brave face every time i see you and you're with her.
everybody tells me that you and me will never work.
i have come to terms with this somehow.
i'm okay but there's still a part of me that wants to hear you saying that you love me.
saying that you love me now.




washing the dishes was never so fun as it was last night.

I have no claim to him. None at all. Yet, I feel possessive all the same.
It's strange, I know. And it makes absolutely no sense.
Yet, when I know of an interaction with another girl that first thing I wonder is "How much prettier is she than me?" And its almost guaranteed that she is, but still. Why am I torturing myself over nothing? Something or better yet, someone that shouldn't even bother me.

I make absolutely no sense.

In other news...

It's been very interesting staying up here in New York.
I've been staying with Aly, which is always fun. I miss having her as a roommate in Philly. It's very educational to observe the workshopping process with the dialogue of Golden Age. One to be in the room with these amazing talented people but also just to observe the directors process and berth of knowledge and everything that is going on there. It really is quite incredible. And I'm learning.

Unfortunately I am running low on funds so entertainment and fun type things will have to be cut short. I just don't know that I can even afford food right now for the next 3 days in addition to my bus fare. This might be bad news bears for Caitlin...
We shall see.

i love sexually charged banter with people i wont see for a few months from now.
it makes me happy.

an email just made me cry.

I check my uarts email and i happened to get a reminder email form 30boxes, a calendar website i used 2 years ago to keep track of some things.

Today's email was:


Narendra says:
Brrrriiiiiiiing!

Bon jour Caitlin. I'm Narendra from 30 Boxes and this is your reminder:

Spanky's Birthday
begins November 11
Born in 1988


Maybe I should take that down. I can't celebrate his birthday this year. Except maybe by remembering him and how amazing he was and how much i miss him every single day and how i feel like a part of my heart is gone without him here still. And how its been just four months last week and it hurts. And i cry and i just miss him is all.

What were you doing-
1 minute ago: typing?
1 hour ago: reading
1 day ago: riding from jersey to philly. doing homework. watching the world series.
1 week ago: I can't even remember. i'm sure I was drowning in homework then too.
1 month ago: Panic attacks.
1 year ago: Talk Radio and 18 credits.
5 minutes ago: reading.
5 hours ago: The Holiday.
5 days ago: Train from Philly to Jersey.
5 weeks ago: Tech
5 months ago: Surflight.
5 years ago: Senior year of high school. I was so young and didn't even know it.

i hurt: my lungs and back. I hate being sick.
i love: easily.
i hate: my instincts.
i fear: death and loss.
i hope: eternally.
i feel alone: a fair amount of the time. But not necessarily in a bad way.
i break: sunglasses far too easily. But never hearts.
i listen: well, but I do not follow well.
i hide: under the covers.
i breathe: with a struggle.
i play: dress up.
i feel: sick. ew.
i miss: that feeling.
i know: far too much useless information.
i say: what feels right, though it is usually wrong.
i dream: in colors that have never been made.
i want: the world.
i fell: hard.
i wait: patiently.
i need: freedom, beauty, truth and love.

-last movie you saw: The Holiday.
-last movie you saw on the big screen: Post Grad (It was pretty terrible.)
-last phone numnber you called: Dad.
-last show you watched: So You Think You Can Dance
-last song you heard: How To Not Be With You- Josh Young
-last thing you had to drink: Water.
-last thing you ate: cereal.
-last time you showered: morning.
-last time you cried: Two weeks ago, at 4 in the morning, at my mothers house. Too many memories creep up on me
-last time you smiled: Walking home from class, talking to mom on the phone. "I'm not a failure at Art Education!"
-last time you laughed: I'm not positive but definitely this weekend. Saturday night and Sunday morning both.
-last person you kissed: Jones.
-last thing you said: 'night.
-last person you talked to online: Melendez.
-last person you talked to on the phone: Dad.
-last thing you smelled: Burning candle.

Do you...
-smoke? occasionally.
-drink? yes.
-sleep with stuffed animals? no.
-have a boy/girlfriend? hah, cute.
-have a dream that keeps coming back? no.
-play an instrument? i sure try to.
-believe there is life on other planets? yes, if not thats a big waste of space.
-read the newspaper? when I can. I usually read the news online.
-believe its possible to remain faithful forever? I hope.
-consider yourself tolerant of others? Yes, except when it comes to idiocy. I have a hard time tolerating that. It's something I'm working on.
-consider the police a friend or foe? In my neighborhood, friend.
-like the taste of alcohol? yes.
-have a favorite stooge? Seriously?
-believe in astrology? It's fun.
-believe in magic? Also fun.
-pray? Yes.
-go to church? Not as often as I should. I have a hard time with certain church related things.
-have any secrets? Doesn't everyone?
-have any pets? None. Though my roommate has a cat, Button.
-go to or plan to go to college? So close to graduating.
-talk to strangers who IM you? Sometimes.
-wear hats? Yes.
-have any peircings? Ears and nose.
-have any tatoos? Not yet, but maybe when i have money.
-wish on stars? All the time.
-like your handwriting? Not really.
-have any bad habits? Nail biter with a messy room.
-believe in Satan? I honestly don't know.
-believe in Santa? No.
-believe in the easter bunny? No.
-believe in the tooth fairy? No. Ruined by Shawn Parker when I was 9.
-have a second family? 'My friends can be my family'
-trust others easily? Too easily.
-like sarcasm? Psh, no... or yes.
-take walks in the rain? Yes.

Ever been kicked out of the mall? Close to, when I was young.
This or that? A bit of both.
Rain or snow? Both.
Silver or Gold? Silver or white gold.

unbelievable.

I am at my mothers house and we've been watching assorted wedding shows all evening.
There are people getting married who say they want this to be the day they seem the most in love in their lives.

I think these people are stupid. Seriously idiots.

Why would you want the wedding day to be the day you seem to be the most in love? That is just the beginning. You need to be the most in love you've been thus far, and move forward from there. Just grow with the love you alreayd have, and let that become deeper than it already was.


Stupid, stupid people.

i am not this body that imprisons me.

This is the only place that I can see
And I am the only person I can be.



Two months have passed since I've written and so much has happened.
I finished up at Surflight.
Had incredible amounts of fun with people I absolutely loved.
Came back to Philadelphia and jumped into the semester feet first.
Jessica got new lungs! Finally! After months and months of waiting. So far everything is going well with that, thank God.
To Kill A Mockingbird opens on Friday. Far too soon.
Midterms are here in two weeks.
Where is time going?

This is all just flying and its too much for me.
So I will go to bed since it 3:35 in the morning.

(Really I'm going to lay here listening to the new mountain goats cd and re-reading pride and prejudice.)

'I want to know what passion is while I am young..."

"It was all there: how his skin would feel against my fingertips, the strands against my palm, his hands rising up to my waist. "

Wasting time in the box office looking through my randoming writings.
It's quite fun how little sense i make at times, and how clear I can be at others.

I'm thinking about the choices we make. How we make them. What makes us come to those conclusions and decisions. A large portion of the time I just act on instinct. Which is not always the best thing to do, but so it goes. I have yet to completely ruin my life with a decisions I've made (at least not to my knowledge). I believe that some choices have come back and bit me in the ass, but for the most part I'm fairly satisfied with where I am. With who I am. With who I've become. I may not be the smartest, or the prettiest, or the best at anything, but I'm fairly content. And I think thats about all you can ask for in a world that is so full of unhappiness and upset. I'm good enough for me. Thus far.

Let's give it a few more months and see what I end up doing by the time I turn 23. I could concievable ruin my whole life by then (I'm not sure how, i'm just saying it is a legitimate possibility)


I simply amaze myself (not really, this is all lies).

This whole 6 hour shift thing really does not work for me. I get to antsy and bored for it. And thats with giving myself a break at 615 to get something from the chocolate bar. Bah. It kind fo sucks being trapped in this tiny, cold box. With everyone staring at you. Especially when you're having such a horrible hair day (which I currently am). Unfortunate. And I have the same shift tomorrow night : /
This will be a party. Totally.

I guess I should get back to doing my job, whatever that means.
I leave you with a quote, a favorite of mine.

"We're all terrified, but let's just live anyways" - Raul Esparza

well, thats that.

situation no more, i believe.
at least not in any awkward damaging way- just fun.
no strings.

loving life. and people. and parties. and good cover bands. and even the cast house.

its great. and even though there is drama, constantly, i manage to keep going. And to make my choices and not regret them.

You're on to me...

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter waht I say or do
I still feel you her 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me cause i'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, Leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here i am and I stand so tall
Just the way that I'm supposed to be
But you're onto me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

situation room.

I'm not sure where I'm going but I think I'll like it there. I'm trying my best to be nonchalant and cool. But really I'm boiling inside. My stomach is in secret knots. My head is spinning. But my lips keep a smirk and my eyes keep their smile. They wont deny me to anyone.

Just in case anyone is wondering, this summer is one of the weirdest, but greatest, and worst all at the same time. There have been heartbreaking tragedies but amazing friends. And I still have a month left.

I love my friends here. At first I was doubtful of how this whole situation would work out, but I'm glad with the way everything has turned. I like the people. The job is a job but its a good resume builder. And the location is wonderful. And the parties are incredible.
I sound like such a loser right now but it's completely accurate.
I may complain here and there but most days I absolutely love this place, or at least the people I chose to spend my time with.

And now to just work through this so-called 'situation', since apparently thats what I am. I am no ones situation. I am a bored 22 year old girl. Thats all. And others are just not sure what to do with that. I believe the word is deal. Deal with it.
And maybe enjoy it.

how has it been two weeks?

i miss you still. always. forever.
my wondertwin.

I'm not too sure what my issue is. It's like...
I just can't make up my mind about what I think or feel.

I can't differentiate between my feelings for certain people. Everything gets muddled up. I don't know whats up and whats down. I just wish I could sort myself out. I can't do this anymore. Too much feeling. If thats possible. I mean, I contain it. I can hold it back. But it's eating me up inside. Its twisting my heart and soul. Well, maybe not that dramatic but its certainly screwing with my head. I just want something concrete and established and understandable. I want to be able to look at someone and not feel jealous of what they have. I want it for myself. And I always seem to want it with someone I can't have that with. Someone who is completely unavailable to me. Maybe not closed off, but just not for me. They either belong to another person or there is some reason we're not meant to be, sometimes due to circumstances beyond my control.


Sometimes I think I am schizophrenic. Well, maybe not schizophrenic. Casually assuming the monkier without proper medical diagnosis is lightly melodramtic and disrespectful to true sufferers of the disease. But I do sometimes feel like Sybil with two versions of me rattling and banging around in my brain, arm wrestling each other for dominance. There is the Wannadoer" and the "Wishidinter": carefully thoughout nicknames for my alter egos. The "Wannadoer" stares and watches the world with eager fascination, jonesing for a taste of the high life. The life of dark bars, dark-haired men, and leather-panted experiences worthy of a Playboy spread. The "Wishidinter" tosses and turns in bed, spitting out the taste of sour kisses and reddening at the memory of my ill-prepared ass trying to strut beautifully dyed cowhide around town. The "Wannadoer" leaps into escapade, falls head over heels in love at a simple hello, ignores rational thought in favor of high-relief fantasy, and has a gold neon aive sign flashing on her brow in broad daylight. The "Wishidinter" scolds herself for chilish romance, tries to prevent an immature heart from beating the tom-tom for the wrong guy, picks up the scattered pieces after the inevitable fall. Both creatures seem very normal, very human. What person does not have both sage and the sucker lurking within? However mine exist at the same time, all the time, and most of the time they initiate conversation or argument with each other no matter the circumstance. In simple terms, I talk to myself, a lot, everywhere. I talk myself into things, out of things, around things, and through things." -Girl Anatomy