She sat.
She sat on the floor and waited.
She waited anxiously.
She waited for him.
She wanted to see him.
She wanted to speak to him.
She wanted him.
She knew that he thought nothing of her. She knew that he wouldn't miss her if she left.
She knew that there was not much she could do to change that, other than wait.
Perhaps in time that could change.
Perhaps...
But for now she will want him.
She will want to speak to him.
She will jwant to see him.
She will wait for him.
She will wait anxiously.
She will sit on the floor and wait.
She will sit.

i am currently at rehearsal for Equinox.
I am so over this.
I just want to go to bed.
Right now.


But there are a few good things to come of this...

Nothing like bonding.
Nothing like hanging out.
Nothing like insults to make friends.


its all good.
i guess.

I want this:

"I’m finally letting myself live on the edge of my skin where I only do something because it feels good. There was no work being done this weekend. I let my eyes rest instead of keeping them open for hours and hours under the dim light of my desk lamp. I danced with someone who thinks I’m amazing and while I assure him that I’m just a girl he stares at me as if I’m much more than that."


I'm jealous of someone I don't even know for being able to write that.
I can't.
And because I can't let go of my work and let go of my responsibilities and get myself away from my laptop and writing and reading long enough I might have ruined something...
but then again, maybe he should understand that this, school and everything, is really important to me.
i need to do well. i need to succeed.
...if he doesn't get that, if all he can think about is how I'm always busy with my work than maybe he's not worth it. Because when i was free, when he knew I'd be free, he never was.
So screw that.

Plus someone else has been making me smile lately...

totally fucked.

i just got home from tech.
mind you i came home for about an hour during tech, but that was because part of my job was to make a pasta salad thats needed in one of the shows (yeah, totally not really the wardrobe's job but whatevs)

my back hurts.
i need a massage.
any one wanna help out?
i'll find someone to do it tomorrow, or tuesday.
def. tuesday.

well this must be short and sweet because i have plenty of homework to do.
like make a model of the black box to scale.
because amy is crazy.
or i just fucked up and didnt have time to do it before this.
hence my issue now.
blah blah blah.
my life sucks. the end.


oh but i got my hair cut yesterday.
i brought the swoopy bangs back, yeah.
its hot.
totes.

oops!

i havent been home all day, hence the lack of posting.

well thats a lie. i've been home
but jersey home- not philly home
and without my laptop, thus rendering me unable to write on here
and when i was in philly it was for a really short time.
to get ready
cause then we went to a party
and i just got back
and i'm a little tipsy.
but only a little.
and later today, at 11am the 10outof12 starts for equinox
which is really not cool
and i dont want to do it or be on crew at all
because i'm really lazy
but apparently thats not a good thing or whatever
so i have to be tere to supervise the wardrobe, hence my being wardrobe surpervisor.
i dont know my crew at all.
but hopeully a grade time will be had.
and next weekend there better be a cast party
and i better get innebriated
because i havent done that enoguh here
and also note to those who read this
i will be 21 in17 days.
be ready.
have gifts
and alcohol
and be at fox and hound on the night of the 27th, going into the 28th and buy me drinks
cause i say soooo



i will try to do something later.
but i'm going to sleep now
and then theres loooonnnngggg rehearsal
followed by a sad, sad attempt at making a model for amy's class.
that thing is gonna suck so hardcore.


my head hurts.
i'm gonna pass out now.
goodnight.

when everything is counterfeit it makes me want to break...

cause really whats the point of me just coasting on the surface
we stop living when we claim its not worth it

This coming week is going to suck.
Just putting it out there.
Too much work.
Scale model. Unit 4-7 test. Theatrical analysis. Sol Shuman or Ellis Island, I'm not sure which. A Long Day's Journey Into Night. Equinox tech/performance. Life? Work. Home. Laundry. Understanding combat. Cracking the nut. Prop list. Learnng to not suck so much.


it will be complicated.
To say the least.

i have nothing to say with the exception of i hate set design and am not good at it.
not at all.

and i am not an over achiever that amy loves.
well... maybe i am a tiny bit but not much.
and i work my ass off. thats why i do well and why she likes me as a student. if she even does.
and yes i researched color meanings but i'm a nerd.
and i like going all out.


but i still have no idea what i'm doing with this.

"Don't cry. If you cry I shall go mad..."

I've been attemptng to write an essay on Good Morning, Midnight.
Its not happening.
I just cannot get into that book.
And I've been trying for quite some time.
Sasha is just such a bitch of a character that I can't sympathize for her at all.
She is far too alienating.

But anyways...
I made up my schedule for next semester, got the form signed and everything by Gene.

Mondays are going to suck in general. But thats just because they'll be long. 8:30 to 1, I think.
I might be wrong about that.
But yeah...


Help me get up the nerve...



And help me figure out how to design a set.
And how to fake like I care for a manifesto.
And how to write this paper.
And how to be perfect.
And how to make it til my birthday.
And how to casually invite someone out to get drinks.
And how to make him say yes.
And how to get him a fake ID cause I dont think he's old enough...



and yeah i think thats it.

i'm a small town girl...

Lab was cancelled today.
Good thing too. Cause I did not want to be there.
I'm just over it at the moment.
But yeah...

I want to approach someone,
And I just don't know how to.
Explain to me what I should do to initiate it.
I'm bad at these kind of things.



God, I am a broken record.
But if its true, its true.
And it is true.
I just don't know.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be a set designer.
My thumbnails that I'm drawing for Collaboration are horrible.
Well, not horrible.
But pretty damn bad.
I do not have the drawing skills required for this.
Or any idea what I'm doing at all.

Awesome.






"we can do better than that." <3.

Why do I get my hopes up?

I shouldn't.
I really should work to fix myself.
Not get so "!" over the tiniest things
But its just an automatic reaction.
I try and I try.
But I can't do it.
I'm just one of those people.
I like to have crushes.
I like to get my hopes up.
Unfortunately, I get let down.And then I get upset.
And then I bounce back.
And then I get my hopes up once more.
Its a continuous vicious cycle.
And I hate it.
And I love it.
And I can't give it up.
No matter how much I claim I want to.

And so I won't work to fix myself.
I'll do things like claim I'm going to, as I just did.
But I know I won't.
I'll keep going
The same way I always do.
And maybe eventually it'll work out.

He felt like the sun to me on those cold November nights...

Its getting cold now.
Suddenly the temperature has drastically dropped.
As I write this it is only 52 degrees outside.
Something of a major decrease, wouldn't you say?

But anyways.
I had my advising meeting with Gene at which both of us were slightly lost.
But I'm thinking it will work out.
I have a general idea of the classes I want to take, and there are two options that I would need to be signed into but I don't think that will be an issue.
My only fear is of my 8:30 writing class.
I can barely make it to the 10 o'clock writing, 8:30 might be an unsurmountable challenge.
But hopefully I will make it through. Nicole is a cool enough teacher to let things like absences or passing out in class fly.

I've been thinking.
I get far too invested into people and happenings far too fast.
I just like to dive in, feet first.
But thats also a way to get hurt.
I don't think of the repercussions that go with my actions, instead I act and then afterward I get a rush of everything that could possibly go wrong. But its never really before hand, its always after the fact.
Which is bad news.



I hoped you would call.
I don't know why I thought it would happen.
I just thought that there might be some follow through finally.
After such a long time of skirting the issue or even communication in general, I thought a wall had been broken through.
But maybe not.
Or maybe you don't even remember it.
Thats more likely.
At least thats what I'm telling myself.
It makes me feel better.
Slightly.

This November swallows me whole.

I haven't done this in a long time but I'm gonna try the every day of the month posting once more.
I just feel like when i do this it gives me something more to look back on.

And so... lets start November off with a bang.

I just actually gave someone my number didn't I?
Someone I haven't even seen in... I don't know how many months.
Who am I?

And further more I have a meeting in about 6 hours with Gene for advising so we can figure out what the hell to do with my classes. Damned scheduling.
And even further...
I don't know what to do about this situation.
I want to be like, hey you're cool. lets hang out.
but this is just such a small group that it would get around like that.
so i cant even tell anyone what i'm even thinking about cause yeah...
i shouldnt even be writing this cause so much could be inferred.
ughhhhhh.


also everyone should wish for matt to break things this afternoon.
because he's gonna walk in that room, sing his little spring awakening heart out and the casting people are gonna be like "oh yeah thats why we called you back again. bitch, you hired." (at least this is how it works in my head, followed shortly thereafter by me coming to visit him in his dressing room where the two of us are singing and they just happen to hear it and go "oh shit, you too. you're cast" and i say "but i never auditioned" and they say "are you really fighting this? " and i say "no." and then i'm in a real show. the end.
and then bare is remounted off broadway and me being a big spring awakening star that i am would bring some star quality to it, so they cast me as nadia and everything is right in the world.

David Blaine (or Mitch Silpa) is my hero.

Street Magic.....
its crazyyyyyy







amazing...

I've heard people talk. They say they don't understand the whole 'blogging' thing. They can't wrap their head around it. They wouldn't know what to write.
Who said you need to know?
Since when were there rules about what you could write.
I honestly don't come in here (and I obviously am using the word 'in' loosely) with a plan.
I just start somewhere, write a bit, and end up somewhere else.
Its just the way things go.


But yeah... thats all.


I'm not sure what I should do about this situation.
I'm close to giving up and retreating again but I want to persue too.
I hate decisions, especially ones that no body else can make for me.
Damned things with the stuff.

I've been thinking that I want to go up to New York and make bad decisions again.
I felt stupid immediately afterward but really in retrospect it was fun.
And I could go for some fun, now.
But I won't.
I won't end up going back up there until December when its time for Mattttttt's birthday.
When we will both be 21 and get blissfully inebriated, legally too.
ANd who knows who I'll meet then...
Lets hope for someone,
And if not then, than even sooner.


I really jsut need a kiss,
I know I already said this, but I am the broken record.
And i know what I want, what I need.
So somebody, some boy needs to fix this. Please. For my sanity.

I know who I'd like it to be , but thats not going to happen. Defintily not yet and possibly never with the idiocy I portray.
Ugh. Why am I me?

Its 3 am, I must be lonely...

So i've been thinking about it.

Time goes by far too fast.
At least it does now.
Last year time crawled. It went at a turtles pace and I hated it. I just wanted it to be done.
Here I love it, and its flying by.
But I still want it to be done- or as close to done as possible.
Like... November 28 perhaps?
That would be quite plesant.
Verily.


Now, I still can't sleep.
I've been laying here trying.
And nothing working. So I've slightly given up.
I now am laying here in the dark praying that this fan will cool me down slightly and that sleep will come.
But I'm listening to old Starting Line. (Its a nostalgic thing)

I could probably go into the kitchen upstairs to try and get a bit of work done for Fielder's class Friday.
But I'd rather not have an extreme exposure to all the mold as it was uncovered behind our cabinets this morning when "Maint. Frank" as he refers to himself, pulled all of our cabinets off the wall and down from the ceiling to make room for the new ones, to be installed.... soon.
Today lets hope.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I've been thinking.
I am going to be 21 in a little over a month.
That is a big birthday.
Its one of the milestone years.
I could go out and get trashed legally, and then gamble my life away in Atlantic City.
I won't.... the gambling part at least.
But I jsut feel like I am so lackign in life experiences for someone my age.
I mean there is plenty I have done that others haven't or I'm equal with other people.
But for the most part I feel like I'm behind the curve.
I want to catch up.
I just don't know how.
Its hard to explain.
And I'm not sure how to say it.

But yeah....



And also I really need to be kissed.
I just really want someone to kiss me.
It doesn't matter who he is (well thats a lie) but I want to be kissed.
Just good and kissed. Now.

Someone work on that for me, would ya?




Oh and I'm totaly school girl crushing on someone a little tiny tin bit cause he's mostly amazing, with the exception of a few tiny things.... but I like those tiny things too. For the most part.
Ugh I'm a loser.

For now , I scooted closer, until we were touching. Knee to knee, arm to arm, forehead to forehead. I leaned in for once, instead of away, appreciating the pull I felt there, something almost magnetic that held us to each other. I knew it would always be there, no matter how much of the world I put between us. That strong sense of what we shared, good and bad, that led us to here, where my own story began.

give me some credit...
please?


like... maybe?




it seems that i get taken advantage of.
people dont give credit where credit is due.
i do what is needed and someone else claims it was all them.
or they gloss over me.
or ignore me.
or whatever.

and it kinda sucks.



this is fairly unprovoked.
i just felt it needed saying.


i should get back to studying.


but i really don't want to.

i can't wait to go to fd tomorrow.
i'm just kind of scared.
i dont know why... but i have this irrational fear that everyone will be like "you left? seriously? i didn't even notice..."
my paranoia at an all time high.
if that does happen it will most definitly back up my irrational fear that i dont matter.
because i do have one-
i'm insanely paranoid that i am making no mark on this world, and on no one in it.
they may say i am but wheres the proof?
i know i've never een one for math or science but they do have one good thing- empirical evidence.
you can't knock that down....
but what people say- that can be pushed away with the flourish of a hand.

hmm...
back to survey.

i should be asleep and yet...

quite obviously i am not. or since i am awake i should be working on my analysis of buying time.
and yet again- obivously i am not. i am here. on blogger whom i have neelected this past week.
it is now october (sick right?) time is going by so quickly. i feel like i never have time to do anything but school work.
which i know is completely untrue but it just sounds so dramatic i felt it necessary to say.
but honestly i have a ton of work. due within the next three days.
a costume design project due wednesday.
an anaylsis of buy time due thursday.
a survey of theater test on 4 units friday.
since when was art school supposed to be hard? honestly...
but i will get it all done.
the design project is pretty much complete. and my design is pretty kickass if you ask me.
I chose Dog Sees God as the play I was designing for and the specific character who i had to do rendering of is CB'c Sister (aka Sally from Peanuts) I chose her from the beginning of the play when she is in her goth phase.
My concept of her is very Gothic Lolita- a lot of black and red and a babydoll dress with a minitop hat. hot.

I cannot wait till this weekend.
FDU here I come.
I miss them all so much.
Like seriously that place was my life for two whole years.
ANd then to be cut off completely like this.
I haven't set foot on that campus since May, which may not seem like a long time
But for me to have not seen my friends since then- it seems like an eternity.
There is only so much catching up and bonding one can do over the phone and the internet.
Face to face is always better that facebook to facebook.

This past weekend I went to College Day on the Parkway. It was kinda eh- but everyone else came too.
And by everyone else I mean home friends.
It was Colleen, Feesh, Erin, Amy, Minkus and I. Reunitied and it feels so good.
But seriously it as so great to see them all.
If only the rest of the group could've made it.
But alas they could not so we made due and quite obviously survived...
Unless I'm writing this from beyond the graveeee (you can't hear it but that totally meant to be read in the creepy cliche voice used on tv for things like that. i swear it was funny in my head)

I am starting to feel bogged down under the weight of my responsibilities.
And they aren't even that many.
But I just have so much to do all the time.
Today I had class from 11:30-2:20, work study from 2:20-5-ish, and ballet from 5:30-7. and then i came back here and had my first meal of the day. it was not a wise move to go to ballet without eating anything. but i didn't get a break all day so thats what happens. tomorrow (or today at this point) will be better. 2 classes, one at 1 and one at 5:30. Costumes and Modern. And inbetween it will be filled with Buying Time analysis. ANd I will not be distracted by instant messenger or myspace (i'll use ichat and facebook instead! hah.)


it completely amazes me how much i can connect with a song or with a written piece. or with anything....
its inspiring really.

i've decided if i can find a collaborator.. somewhere. i'd really like to use this play i've started as my senior project.
i know thats atleast three years away but i started writing this and i feel really good about it, better than i did about the postsecret project which i loved with all my heart while i was doing it. the ostsecret project is the reason i'm here i think. amy actually laughed when she was reading some of the monologues, and looked thoughtful during others- and at the appropriate times. it was pretty sweet. i was so nervous about those... and then to hav eher approval of sort and then to get in here based on that and now to get my scholarship based on my prospective excellence... its a big vote of confidence from her and gene that i don't know that i truely deserve but i will gladly take with open arms, because i need it.
i have no confidence most of the time in my own work...

but what i'm writing right now...
i really like it.
and if i only had someone who could write music we'd be set.
i already have lyrics for two songs and additional scenes.
plus majority of the story mapped out.
and on paper- not just in my head!
how could i go about finding someone to work with.
i mean, its not like i go to a university with an entire schoolvof music attached...
wait a minute...