I'm ready for this.
I am ready for my life to come at me, to grow, to change.
I am ready.


If you know me at all, you are likely familiar with the fact that I have this tendency of overthinking. Everything. It's just a part of who I am.
But right now I am ready to stop over thinking and just be. To accept life as it is and to be alive and happy and experience life as it comes at me.
I don't know if I am going to stick with this new found willingness to accept my life. But I hope so, because I am finally starting to feel happier. Lighter. I'm enjoying my life instead of just living it.

My Valentines Day present for the boy. I was working under short notice and limited means, thus a 2-cd mix collection was the only real option for me.

Music I Think Doesn’t Suck
Vol. 1

Fall on Me – Cry Cry Cry
To Be Alone With You- Sufjan Stevens
Extraordinary Machine- Fiona Apple
Love and Doubt- Slow Runner
Jenny, You’re Barely Alive- Rilo Kiley
Popular Mechanics for lovers- Beulah
Chestnut Hill- Denison Witmer
Kite Song- Rosie Thomas
Get Here Fast- Allison Kaplan
Blue Eyes- Cary Brothers
Warm Whispers- Missy Higgins
You You You You You- The 6ths
Just Stay- Kevin Devine

Vol. 2

Hold You In My Arms- Ray LaMontagne
Where Does It Hurt?- Alexz Johnson
Sideways- Matt Caplan
Green and Gray- Nickel Creek
All the Stars- Eastmountainsouth
Meant to be- Melissa Polinar
All We Are- Matt Nathanson
Falling Slowly- The Swell Season
Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters- Elton John
Stay- Lisa Loeb
Deep in February- Gaby Alter
Don’t think Twice, It’s All Right- Bob Dylan
Love Love Love- the Mountain Goats
Gotta Have You- The Weepies

Timing.

It seems to me that everything in life comes down to timing. Things as big as love, career, and family, death even. But even things as small as crossing a street or catching a subway. It's all in the timing. So, what can we do? No one has completely perfect timing. Do we make every effort to take control of our lives and get our choices as precisely timed as possible? Or do we go with the flow and let life come at us as it will?

In my 23 years I have tried both of these approaches to life. Throughout my college career especially, I have attempted to control everything as well as I could. This is a part of why I am such a good stage manager (which I am.) But in the past six months or so I have stopped. Stopped trying to control and rule and force my life to take a certain direction. I came to more of a 'go with the flow' type of persona. Things became easier. I still get my work done, I see my friends and I am less stressed.

I have an idea of what led to this change in me this past summer. It was a result of multiple things but it was truly born out of a lack of control. When I felt like my world was falling apart even with my attempts at ruling it. I was grasping at straws at this point. This summer I truly learned that there are things in life you cannot plan for or predict or even expect at all.

This realization is the one that broke me, spurred my change. And while I would give anything to not have come to this transition in my life, I know not that is not possible. And I know that I an now the better for it. With everything that may not be going well in my life I am happier now than I have been in a long time.

Dear Ginsburg

Dear Ginsberg,

I wrote a letter to Ginsberg and
sent it to the sky,
through my eyes and to the
nearset stars and with pupils,
opened wide, i cried and cried,
unashamed, uninhibited. the
angels read aloud to Ginsberg
sitting in some heavenness sky.

I proclaim
oh Ginsberg you made me weep
and weep the teary-est tears
for all my years, although
only twenty, I aged with you
and sat in my skin
rocking and creaking
like nana's old rocking chair.

And a soft chuckle,
short gasps of breath
that otherwise would have
been the screams of
beauty like some lonely
streetlight that begs
to be stood under,
orange skinned
and orange tinged...

And to here you sacrifice
yourself time and time again
and splattered`your bloody
ink and your invisible
soul to me and to others
and i wiped my eyes once
again..

I proclaim oh Ginsberg,
You made me wish for a soft body,
and soft hair,
naked touches,
and the power of the nail
that scratches and marks
the skin and be handled
and and and and,
for the cool soft sweat
and shivers under the covers...

You made me want to
jump off balconies and
out of windows testing the limits
of constructed worlds
and falsehoods that look
like movie sets,
and find the rubber airbags
to catch me,
and say ha! I knew it!

Ginsberg,
I apologize for stealing
your style,
I promise I'm not
making a dime...

Ginsberg,
how am I supposed to
write what you have already
wrote? How will I see
everything anew,
and fresh,
will they come to me?
Or will I have to dig
under the graves of dead
plants,dead water
to see a reflection,
a simile,
a verse?

No wait,
Ginsberg,
don’t tell,
don’t kiss,
don’t, kiss and tell,
stay silent,
I don’t want to know,
I want to know,
but I want to know…
I’ll know
when I see it,
when I feel it,
when I smell it,
and when I do, I’ll weep
for me,
weep for you,
weep for the world
weep for everything imaginable,
weep for dusty roads,
and highways,
weep for new clouds,
and new adventures,
weep for weep,
weep for weep’s sake,
for this I will sleep and wake.

Dear Ginsberg, thank you.

- Brian Martinez

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesize
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

"Then he shifted, moving closer to me, and I felt his arm press against mine, his skin warm. And then, finally, he kissed me- really kissed me- and I couldn't hear anything: not the water, the music, or even my own heart, which had to be pounding. Instead, it was just silence, the very best kind, stretching out forever, or only a moment, and then it was over."

-Just Listen

i was fired from my job today.

i was then taken out drinking to comfort me by my sister and cousin.
i just felt awkward.

and then i think i went to far or asked to much of someone that i don't want to scare away.


all in all, a fucking great saturday night.

I like this boy.

It takes a lot for me to allow myself to admit that. But its true.
I really do like him.

And I know some people think that might mean nothing but coming from me it means a lot.
I don't like to show emotional weakness or whatever by letting my guard down and admitting to having feelings for people. But I can't help it this time.
I really do like him.

I may not be shouting it down broad street or putting it on facebook or writing crappy songs about it but its the truth. I like him.

Just talking like this makes me feel so much younger than I actually am. 23 years old and I can barely admit to 'liking' someone. But thats just my own emotional immaturity. Perhaps I'll grow up soon. But for now... I like him.


And I think he likes me too.

6 hours.

I have about 6 hours until I am due into work. I only left there about 3 hours ago. That is cruel. But tomorrow is only a day shift not a double and its followed by seeing Red Ryder with Colleen. And heavy alcohol usage after that. What fun.


I am unbelievably sore. Running around at work today did not help. But its partly my own doing so I have to take it.


This past week or two has been quite interesting. This past month really in terms of whats been going on in my life. But really the past two weeks.


People really can surprise you.
And it can be amazing.

And just what you thought. And nothing like you planned.
And I really enjoy this.

Oh, Holly.

Oh, Holly
So thin, so pretty, so confused.
Oh, Holly
The perfect girl for being used.
You act like you know everything
For everyone you meet
But you're lost and you're scared
Little girl, you're incomplete.

Oh, Holly
With your over-sized glasses and your dark hair
Oh, Holly
You're so busy faking that you can't care
You wish that you were perfect
But what could be the cost
You run away from who you are
Little girl, lost.

And you think that no one sees
The sadness in your eyes.
You fill your past with fictions.
You're drowning in your lies.
Feeling mean reds everyday,
Play 'Moon River' every night.
When ya gonna give up, Holly?
You could be all right.

Oh, Holly
With your many men and your fake friends.
Oh, Holly
All that you can do is play pretend.
Wear a little black dress
And light your cigarette.
Go through the motions everyday.
Do you feel better yet?

And you think that no one sees
The sadness in your eyes.
You fill your past with fictions.
You're drowning in your lies.
Feeling mean reds everyday,
Play 'Moon River' every night.
When will all your games stop, Holly?
You could be all right.
You might be all right.
You will be all right.

-Caitlin Reed, 2010 (c)

Stay

(at least thats it's current title. very likely to change.)

A trail of smoke 'tween your fingertips.
I follow it back to your lips
And I
Wanna take your breath away
And I
Wanna be with you so stay
With me

Cause we could be together
Without the fear or the pressure
And we could hide here forever
So Stay.
Stay.

Brush the hair away from my face
I feel look like a disgrace
But you
Act as if you cannot see
And you
Make me feel like its okay
To be me.

And we could be together
Without the fear or the pressure
And we could hide here forever
So Stay.
Stay.

Don't you think that we
Could try to be happy
Without having to worry 'bout the bullshit
Just like everyone else does
We would understand
If you'd just take my hand

Cause I've always know
That we could be together
Without the fear or the pressure
And we could hide here forever
So Stay.
Just stay.

-Caitlin Reed, 2010 (c)

new year, new something.

Welcome to 2010.
It's crazy. I still remember when it was the mid-90s and that does not feel that long ago.

NYE party at 1414 was insanity. Fun, but crazy.
Work tonight was good. I only worked for about 5 hours and walked away with
$150. That NEVER happens.

And now, to start the year off right. Lyrics to a new song I just wrong about 10 minutes ago!

First (the smell of her hair?)


Wrapped in blankets, huddling
Under what I couldn’t call love
An eventful night connecting
below and above

But what this is has been here for a while before
And if we keep on going now can we return to what we were once more
I’m afraid that we can’t

Because she was here first
She’ll always be ahead of me
She was here first
And soon there’ll be nothing left of me
I’ll give you all I can but still it won’t compare
Cause she was here first
And you still long for
The smell of her hair

We act like this is normal.
Nothing here is is strange.
We talk like nothings different
But I can feel the change

What mistake did we just make
How can I live through this
A whole world can shift
Due to one tiny (not so tiny) kiss.

Whatever we once were we are not anymore
And now we can’t turn back to being what we were before once more

But still she was here first
She’ll always be ahead of me
She was here first
And soon there’ll be nothing left of me
I’ll give you all I am but nothing can compare
Cause she was your first love
And you still long for her
You still pray for her
I know you're waiting for her
And the smell of her hair.
The smell of her hair.
The smell of her
Hair...

the quotes of my facebook.

'm pretty sure college is just a metaphor for some awkward fruit, like guava. -Bernie O'Brien

It is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed. It is shyness before any sort of new and unforseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope, but only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical, will live the relation to another as something alive.-Rilke

With him life was routine, without him life was unbearable. - To Kill A Mockingbird

"We're all terrified, but let's just live anyway."-Raul Esparza

“it is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that’s dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It’s so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can’t say the things you want to.” — Henry Rollins

"Tell me everything; when you'll be out again, where you'll be at Christmas and that you think of me and love me... I don't want you for a day (though I'd sell my toes to see you now my dear, only for a minute, to kiss you once and make a funny face at you): a day is the length of a gnat's life: I want you for the lifetime of a big, mad animal, like an elephant." -Dylan Thomas

"Great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex, and sex disguised as love... " -Almost Famous

and as the awkwardness grew so did the obviousness of what was bound to happen from the start. the night ended with two touches of lips-Kurt Halsey

caitlin reed caitlin reed she's too cool for 7th grade
caitlin reed she's like one in a MILLION!
-Mark Jesse Swanson

"i wanna marry him and we'll have little theater babies." -nicole.

wasting time

2009 - thank god it's almost over...

ANSWER THE QUESTIONS:


Stayed single almost the whole year?
yes.

Done something you've regretted?
i try not to regret anything major i've done.

Lost someone?
yes (<3 RIP Spanky)

Cut class?
yup.

Were involved in something you'll never forget?
oh yes.

Visited a different country?
Nope, not in 2009.

Cooked a gross meal?
it's likely.

Lost something important to you?
yes.

Got a gift you adore?
Yes!

Tripped over a coffee table?
Most definitely.

Dyed your hair?
Nope!

Came close to losing your life?
Not that I know of.

Went to a party?
Several.

Read a great book?
Many.

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
YES! Best birthday ever.


2009: Friends and Enemies

Did you meet any new friends this year?
Many.

Did you dislike anyone?
OH YEAH.

Did you grow apart from anyone?
Unfortunately, but it was inevitable I guess.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
Time management issues, plus the whole being in school while my friends are all out in the real world.


2009: Your BIRTHDAY!

Did you have a cake?
Nope. But I did get some sort of Stephen Starr dessert with a candle on top.

Did you have a party?
Nope. A concert.

Did you get any presents?
A hair cut, a pedicure, gift cards to the book store and mountain goats tickets.

Were you single?
Yes.


2009: All about YOU

Did you change at all this year?
Yes. It's impossible to stay completely the same, isn't it?

Did you change your style?
My clothes became more simplistic. Black leggings, white mens t-shirts, ballet flats/flipflop/boots.

Were you in school?
Yes.

Did you get good grades?
Good enough.

Did you drive?
Never!

Did you own a car?
No need.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I know of. Anyone wanna fess up?

Did you move at all?
Only for the summer.

Did you go on any vacations?
Nope.

Would you change anything about yourself now?
Always.

2009 WRAP UP:

Was 2009 a good year?
It was a year of really high highs and incredible lows.

When did things change for you if they did?
May 11, July 2, September 12.

Do you think 2010 will be better then 2009?
Yes. I hope so at least.

My best friends in 2009 were?
ACH. Family. 1414.

In 2009 I....

(x) stayed single for the whole year
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
( ) had your heart broken
( ) mooned someone
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) done something you've regretted

OTHER

( ) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog on MySpace
( ) visited a foreign country
(x) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
( ) lied about how old you were
( ) prank called someone

In 2009 I also....

[x] broke a promise
[ ] fell out of love
[x] told a little white lie
[x] lied
[x] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[x] slept under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[ ] forgot your new years resolution
[ ] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life.
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[x] pretended to be sick
[ ] left the country
[ ] almost died
[x] given up on something/someone important to you
[x] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you
[x] had a high cell phone bill
[x] spent most of your money on food
[ ] had a fist fight
[x] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
[x] gotten sick

HERE'S TO 2010 - IT'S GOTTA BE BETTER!

oy. unnecessary drama. but whatever. i can't control it. i just want to put it out there, its my fault and no one elses. it was my choice, my invitation.

blah.


the last week of classes is upon us. i don't know what i am doing. tomorrow i have a case study due. i have no idea what to do about it. i am struggling. and i really kind of just want to go out to the bar tonight. but i won't i'm going to be good tonight and do ym work. and write my case puzzle and then work on my play and then figure out when i can maybe film for my documentary and then cry myself to sleep.

at least i ended up with 3 shifts at doc watsons this week. friday- day, saturday and sunday-night (first cut). it feels like it should be thursday already, not barely tuesday.

ugh.

and in a moment your low self-esteem can be helped, not fixed, but helped.
and boosted.

and my god it can be fun.

low self-esteem moments are the pits.

two touches of lips

with the door propped open we again delayed
the necessary farewell
for sleep's sake
and as the awkwardness grew
so did the obviousness of what was bound to happen
from the start.

the night ended with two touches of lips.

-kurt halsey.




Just something I liked and seemed right to me at this moment.

Happy thanksgiving, by the way!

i put on my brave face every time i see you and you're with her.
everybody tells me that you and me will never work.
i have come to terms with this somehow.
i'm okay but there's still a part of me that wants to hear you saying that you love me.
saying that you love me now.




washing the dishes was never so fun as it was last night.

I have no claim to him. None at all. Yet, I feel possessive all the same.
It's strange, I know. And it makes absolutely no sense.
Yet, when I know of an interaction with another girl that first thing I wonder is "How much prettier is she than me?" And its almost guaranteed that she is, but still. Why am I torturing myself over nothing? Something or better yet, someone that shouldn't even bother me.

I make absolutely no sense.

In other news...

It's been very interesting staying up here in New York.
I've been staying with Aly, which is always fun. I miss having her as a roommate in Philly. It's very educational to observe the workshopping process with the dialogue of Golden Age. One to be in the room with these amazing talented people but also just to observe the directors process and berth of knowledge and everything that is going on there. It really is quite incredible. And I'm learning.

Unfortunately I am running low on funds so entertainment and fun type things will have to be cut short. I just don't know that I can even afford food right now for the next 3 days in addition to my bus fare. This might be bad news bears for Caitlin...
We shall see.