paciencia y fe.

Its so odd to think of culture.
I've been doing it a lot lately.

In my life I've met so many people from different countries and different backgrounds. They all have their own cultures and traditions. They have a people and a home.

But I feel like I don't have that.

Yes, I am Irish and Italian. But I really have no true understanding of what it means to be either of those ethnicities. They are just a part of my families history but they really play no part in my life as it is. And I realize that one's history is what shapes their future, but since those are not real parts of what shaped me at all I don't feel that it works out.

It's like- I may be Irish and Italian in blood but as a person I'm an American. And what does that even mean?
Do I even have a culture? Can I claim anything more than McDonald's and Britney Spears? When the time comes for me to have children and instruct them about our families roots and what shaped us what will I have to teach them? Nothing... I can talk about mass consumerism and pointless wars and too much reality television. And thats it. Thats what my culture is. And I hate it.

Also in terms of home. Yes, this country is obviously my home as I've only been outside of it three times in my entire life. Once was to Canada, once to London and once to the Dominican Republic. But there are times... I just don't feel at home here. And maybe its just my age, or maybe its the places I do live but nothing seems to fit.
I love living here in Philadelphia right now. It is so much better than Madison was for me. And I love Burlington with all of my heart. It is the only other place I can remember living since we moved there when I was only 1. But there are moments when I just don't feel like I fit in there. I've found that there are places one can go where it just feels right. And yes, my school right now is one of them but that will only last for another year. And then I'm finished. By this time next year I will have one semester left and that's all. And then what will I do? WIll I try to make my home here in Philadelphia? Will I find somewhere else to go?

My big plan had been for New York and grad school and working and loving my life. But now I'm not sure I could do that. i want to, so badly, still. But I know for a fact that I could never afford it. I can barely afford Philadelphia and things are much cheaper here. I don't know hat I"m going to do with myself. I know that I do like this town but it still doesn't feel like my home yet, maybe in the next year and a half that will change but maybe not. And then what will i be doing? Hanging around finding whatever work I can while stuck in a place that I don't want to be just trying to force a life down my own throat so i can survive?
I don't want that. no one wants that. At least I don;'t think they do,
It just seems like such a waste of time and money to be unhappy.

I'm not to sure where all this came form. one moment I was content listening to my new recording of In the Heights and then all this came pouring out. My mind is moving so fast that my fingers can barely keep up with whats I'm thinking. I haven't written like this in a long time, I haven't written at all in a while and I'm sorry, But see what happens. When I don't write things like this come pouring out of me. I need to save it up so this happens.

...I reall think I'm just crazy.



Also in other news I work at least four if not more days a week. I make okay money. I can pay my rent next month which is what really counts. And I'm god at my job. I am a good waitress. Which is funny since I was so scared that I would be bad at it for such a long time. If I had known I wouldn't suck at it I would've started a long time ago.

Probably not really but still...

ANd further news- I'm scared for what next month could bring.
Don't get me wrong I am excited too but scared all the same.
On so many fronts.



And lastly- never get as drunk as I did on Friday night.
It was a bad choice and a bad time Saturday.