Random.

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days


too much to handle lately.
I'm not sure what to say.
I'm not sure what I can say.
But yeah..

I've been working. Making money.
Its a good thing.
I want to make plans for later.
And I want them to work out.
And I ... I don't know.



Mass Pike is playing in the background as I try to come up with the words that could explain this feeling but nothing comes to mind. I have one hour until I need to leave for work. The convenience of working less than two blocks from ones own apartment. I try to come up with words. I try to sound clever and simple even though I am complicated and dumb. It doesn't work out. The words do not fall smoothly from my lips. They come in stalls and starts. They tumble to the floor and break into a thousand pieces so no one can understand. I try to pick them up and piece them together but I can no longer remember their meaning or order. They become useless. More than they were originally. Waste of Paint plays and it makes too much sense. "You see no beauty could have come from me. I'm a waste of breath, of space, of time." Some things make too much sense. Like art could save a wretch like me... I'm not sure where this summer is going. If it is in fact going anywhere. If this is just a space filler. If this is a summer that I will eventually lose to memory due to its lack of events. Will it just fall away to be buried underneath previous and future seasons.
"I try to just keep moving on, with my broken heart and my absent God
And I have no faith but it's all I want - to be loved."
Wishful Eyes sings itself to me form its bootlegged performance. It is beautiful. "Little smiles, every moment brings another wasted mile between everything and everything I need." I 'm not sure where this is headed. I feel like I just keep going and going but with no real destination in mind. I will just keep going until I find somewhere to stop. Maybe with someone. Maybe on my own. But where can I stop? Where will I find that comfort, the ability that will allow me to be able to stop running and spinning and trying and just be. Just be me, who ever I am at that point in time.
Surf Wax America. I miss fun. I miss the happiness of what listening to Weezer was when I was younger. I miss the days on the beach. Wen summer was completely carefree. When weeks in LBI didn't need to be scheduled around everyone's work. When a family could just take a vacation. And there weren't these problems that exist now. And when friends could skip a class trip for a day on the sand. When money was not such an issue. "All along the undertow is strengthening its hold. I never thought it'd come to this. Now I can never go home."
Further North. Just snow and a fire. The winter would be so nice if I had someone to hold me. To keep me warm. To stay with me. Its a long way off but its always a thought. Always present. Always a possibility. "And its beautiful and sad but its all that I had, so tonight lets stay inside."

Lyrical perfection is hard to come by. But sometimes there are lines that can act like a cord straight to your heart and pull it just right, or wrong depending on the moment. But it can be perfect, even in its pain. Perfectly beautiful even if it hurts.



I suppose I should go get ready for work at this point. At least start to make myself presentable.

The final song playing is Hands Down. I miss being a freshman in high school for the music alone. And for the friends I lost. But I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the friends I gained that year. I still have them and thats a wonderful thing. But this music... It was my life. It kept me sane. Sad to say but Dashboard Confessional, Brand New, Something Corporate, and The Starting Line were, some days, what kept me together. I don't know what that says about me.

But I do know that I want an event like that of the Hands Down lyrics. That could be fantastic.



Wow this went all over the place. My apologies.


And then it feels like you get punched in the heart.