thanks for playing my romantic lead
even if only in the version i colorized
i fantasized you and i
on a porch swing watching a sunset somewhere
and thanks for playing your part so well
i came out of it all with a briused heart
but, what the hell
i felt some things i must have needed to remember...
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
do you feel better?
Better...
So much Better...
but seriously.
This past week, even with the insane amounts of work and the constant pain from an overly tedious ballet class, has been so much better. It's great. Or at least getting greater than it was.
Long walks, Friends, Jamican, JRB, and Script Analysis.
Find a conversation you can have, and have it.
And then make a youtube of yourself singing and feel like an ass when people actually watch it.
And then get a scholarship for just doing what you do.
All together a good week.
But one thing could make it so much better...
And theres still one day left.
So much Better...
but seriously.
This past week, even with the insane amounts of work and the constant pain from an overly tedious ballet class, has been so much better. It's great. Or at least getting greater than it was.
Long walks, Friends, Jamican, JRB, and Script Analysis.
Find a conversation you can have, and have it.
And then make a youtube of yourself singing and feel like an ass when people actually watch it.
And then get a scholarship for just doing what you do.
All together a good week.
But one thing could make it so much better...
And theres still one day left.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
long winded and ranty and fueled by cheap, wonderful coffee.
I sat and I waited. I hoped that something would happen.
I sat and I watched. I watched couples and parents and children and pets.
There was what seemed to be a vast amount of happiness around me.
And I tried to let it rub off on me.
To feel this same happiness and possibly even the euphoria and freedom of the young boy reaching into the fountain and his mother held his feet so he wouldn’t fall in.
But rather than feel free or happy or careless or anything I felt confined.
I felt as though I was stuck.
I am stuck.
I’ve barely been here and I’ve already resigned myself to the role that I always play.
Quiet. Lonely.
I try to break out, but old habits die-hard.
It is a nice fit and an automatic place for m e to feel comfortable, and so it is where I end up being.
I don’t try. It just happens.
I sat on the fountain wall, reading and observing. Randomly letting my feet dip below the surface of the water.
And as I sat I saw what I want.
People in relationships and happy.
I want that.
And it is so not me.
I am the first person to say that I am not a relationship person.
They practically give me hives. The thought of the confinement, almost.
But now… I want that. I want to feel secure. I want to be able to call someone and just talk to him and have a conversation and be normal and regular and have a rhythm within our talking and a comfort level and an attraction and maybe something deeper. I know that there is much, much more to any relationship but I don’t care.
I want to be able to go out with a boy.
And just have something.
I want the happy, easygoing air that the people in the park had.
I want it now.
I don’t want to sit and watch anymore.
I want to be the person that someone like me could see walking through the park hand in hand with another person and they’ll go “Wow. I wish I had that.”
I want to be my own envy.
I want. I want. I want.
But I don’t know how to get it.
I don’t know what to do.
And I know what I don’t want.
Who I don’t want.
And I’m sorry to them. It is still a no.
It’s just to odd.
But I want with someone else what they want with me.
Want. Want. Want.
Maybe even need.
Who’s to say?
I don’t know hat I need. It may be a relationship.
It may just be a fling.
It may just be a kiss.
But it could also be everything.
Life would be so much easier if I could just figure out what it was that I wanted.
I could stop focusing on everything else and instead zero in on what I really want.
Focus on what really matters.
Think about who really matters.
Right now my mind is everywhere.
Focusing on everything.
Thinking about everyone.
Too many thoughts.
My phone is sitting to the right of my wrist.
I keep hoping it will ring.
I don’t know who it is I’m hoping to call but I’m keeping it there like I’m really expecting someone to call me.
But I know no one will. With the exception of maybe my sister.
But she’s working so not even her.
I am so socially awkward.
I wish I could change that. I need to become more comfortable.
But its too much of a challenge. I like being liked but I don’t like the effort I need to put forth in order to have people want to like me. It’s a complex issue. I have many of those.
I’m ranting. But that’s okay.
I’m sitting at The Last Drop.
I’m drinking my large to-go coffee and using their free internet, because here I know I’m not stealing and it won’t back out on me at any moment like it does at the apartment.
There is a girl sitting to my right, next to my cell phone. She’s drawing someone here, I don’t know who it is though. I randomly try to catch view, quick glimpses of what and who it is she’s drawing but I can’t see. Her left arm is obscuring it. Oh well.
I saw The Woolgatherer this afternoon. It was well done. “Beautiful…”
There was a speech in it that Cliff made to Rose (obviously as they are the only two characters in the entire play) but it was about why he was there, and about how even though he was halfway home he couldn’t get her out of his mind and he had to turn around to see her, if he could. If I can find Jessica’s copy of the script I will post it here. Its just that good It needs to be read. Trust me. At least as far as I can remember it does.
It’s so odd. I’m starting this “new life” but within this new place I am falling back onto the old me completely. And even when I try to break free of that old me I am put back there by someone else. No matter who I meet they end up knowing me as Jessica’s sister. I have been known as Jessica’s sister my entire life. I did have a brief respite when I was at Fairleigh. But now I’m here. And she’s got two years on me. And many friends compared to my very few. She as everything while it seems that I have so little. And so everyone I meet will know me as Jessica’s sister. Once more. I’m going back to the role I have played all my life, since second grade when I had my first teacher, Mrs. Price, who had also taught Jessica. In the years to follow I would have others who had taught Jessica or/and Nicholas. But that was the first time that I was referred to as Jessica’s sister by a teacher. I was not allowed to be just Caitlin. I had to be Jessica’s sister, Caitlin. I don’t resent that at all. I understand that it is just a part of my life, a part of who I am. But I cannot always be her. I can’t always be the other version of Jessica. The lesser version. I need ot get to a place where I can be a whole, complete version of myself I need to learn who I am. I need to find who Caitlin is. And then maybe I can step out of this shadow I’ve had cast over myself, that I have gladly stood in for the past twenty years. Maybe 21 will be my age. It could be my golden year. I could find myself, and someone else, and legal alcohol all at once.
I sat and I watched. I watched couples and parents and children and pets.
There was what seemed to be a vast amount of happiness around me.
And I tried to let it rub off on me.
To feel this same happiness and possibly even the euphoria and freedom of the young boy reaching into the fountain and his mother held his feet so he wouldn’t fall in.
But rather than feel free or happy or careless or anything I felt confined.
I felt as though I was stuck.
I am stuck.
I’ve barely been here and I’ve already resigned myself to the role that I always play.
Quiet. Lonely.
I try to break out, but old habits die-hard.
It is a nice fit and an automatic place for m e to feel comfortable, and so it is where I end up being.
I don’t try. It just happens.
I sat on the fountain wall, reading and observing. Randomly letting my feet dip below the surface of the water.
And as I sat I saw what I want.
People in relationships and happy.
I want that.
And it is so not me.
I am the first person to say that I am not a relationship person.
They practically give me hives. The thought of the confinement, almost.
But now… I want that. I want to feel secure. I want to be able to call someone and just talk to him and have a conversation and be normal and regular and have a rhythm within our talking and a comfort level and an attraction and maybe something deeper. I know that there is much, much more to any relationship but I don’t care.
I want to be able to go out with a boy.
And just have something.
I want the happy, easygoing air that the people in the park had.
I want it now.
I don’t want to sit and watch anymore.
I want to be the person that someone like me could see walking through the park hand in hand with another person and they’ll go “Wow. I wish I had that.”
I want to be my own envy.
I want. I want. I want.
But I don’t know how to get it.
I don’t know what to do.
And I know what I don’t want.
Who I don’t want.
And I’m sorry to them. It is still a no.
It’s just to odd.
But I want with someone else what they want with me.
Want. Want. Want.
Maybe even need.
Who’s to say?
I don’t know hat I need. It may be a relationship.
It may just be a fling.
It may just be a kiss.
But it could also be everything.
Life would be so much easier if I could just figure out what it was that I wanted.
I could stop focusing on everything else and instead zero in on what I really want.
Focus on what really matters.
Think about who really matters.
Right now my mind is everywhere.
Focusing on everything.
Thinking about everyone.
Too many thoughts.
My phone is sitting to the right of my wrist.
I keep hoping it will ring.
I don’t know who it is I’m hoping to call but I’m keeping it there like I’m really expecting someone to call me.
But I know no one will. With the exception of maybe my sister.
But she’s working so not even her.
I am so socially awkward.
I wish I could change that. I need to become more comfortable.
But its too much of a challenge. I like being liked but I don’t like the effort I need to put forth in order to have people want to like me. It’s a complex issue. I have many of those.
I’m ranting. But that’s okay.
I’m sitting at The Last Drop.
I’m drinking my large to-go coffee and using their free internet, because here I know I’m not stealing and it won’t back out on me at any moment like it does at the apartment.
There is a girl sitting to my right, next to my cell phone. She’s drawing someone here, I don’t know who it is though. I randomly try to catch view, quick glimpses of what and who it is she’s drawing but I can’t see. Her left arm is obscuring it. Oh well.
I saw The Woolgatherer this afternoon. It was well done. “Beautiful…”
There was a speech in it that Cliff made to Rose (obviously as they are the only two characters in the entire play) but it was about why he was there, and about how even though he was halfway home he couldn’t get her out of his mind and he had to turn around to see her, if he could. If I can find Jessica’s copy of the script I will post it here. Its just that good It needs to be read. Trust me. At least as far as I can remember it does.
It’s so odd. I’m starting this “new life” but within this new place I am falling back onto the old me completely. And even when I try to break free of that old me I am put back there by someone else. No matter who I meet they end up knowing me as Jessica’s sister. I have been known as Jessica’s sister my entire life. I did have a brief respite when I was at Fairleigh. But now I’m here. And she’s got two years on me. And many friends compared to my very few. She as everything while it seems that I have so little. And so everyone I meet will know me as Jessica’s sister. Once more. I’m going back to the role I have played all my life, since second grade when I had my first teacher, Mrs. Price, who had also taught Jessica. In the years to follow I would have others who had taught Jessica or/and Nicholas. But that was the first time that I was referred to as Jessica’s sister by a teacher. I was not allowed to be just Caitlin. I had to be Jessica’s sister, Caitlin. I don’t resent that at all. I understand that it is just a part of my life, a part of who I am. But I cannot always be her. I can’t always be the other version of Jessica. The lesser version. I need ot get to a place where I can be a whole, complete version of myself I need to learn who I am. I need to find who Caitlin is. And then maybe I can step out of this shadow I’ve had cast over myself, that I have gladly stood in for the past twenty years. Maybe 21 will be my age. It could be my golden year. I could find myself, and someone else, and legal alcohol all at once.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Georges Perec.
I just read him fr the first time today and I already love this French modernist stuff.
Species of Spaces- The Bedroom. Love it.
For my FYW class we needed to take one of the samples from Species of Spaces and rewrite it as our own, taking an entire page.
I chose Placd small thought no 2.
Perec's says "The passage of time (my History) leaves behind a residue that accumulates: photographs, drawings, the corpses of long since dried-up felt-pens, shirts, non-returnable glasses and returnable glsses, cigar wrappers, tins, erasers, postcards, books, dust and kickknacks: this is what I call my fortune. "
Thats the extent of the sample so to extend something like that is a bit difficult becase he doesn't go into detail, but I decided to detail it up. And I'm actaully really proud of what I did. I don't care if its exact, its my own interpretation and I like what I did with it. And yes, its very stream-of-conciousness, but whatever. And to warn if your reading this you might find somethings within that you recognize. And so...
Day go by, passing one into another. Nothing to show but an accumulation of stuff, junk. Miscellaneous items meaning nothing, or something. Remove a box from a shelf and what do you find: scraps of paper, ripped and crumbling, snatches of words legible through the folds, “Love ya, Shannon!” or “What happened with Adam?” Meaningful or meaningless? A flowered card wishing “the Best” from Rob. The results of a failed game of MASH, living in a shack with 17 kids. A peg game. A paper plate “Sweetest.” Hockey memorabilia. A rainbow admittance bracelet. A hospital bracelet. A voter registration card. A British pound. A singing birthday card - “Mmm-Bop.” A wooden ruler. Collections of poetry, bad and good. A card, filled with writing, recollections, and Pamela Anderson. A Grassroots Inc. script for getting money on the street. A collection of snapshots; nine smiling girls on a beach. A sign reading “Homecoming 2004, Go Juniors!” A boy in a suit and a girl in a dress, smiling and happy. A group of young students, none older that four years, awkwardly still around a teacher. A line of cheerleaders waiting for competition scores, expectation and dread on their faces. Three children, one an infant, sitting on the lap of an elderly man in flannel. Four young women on a train, invincible for a moment. Everything and nothing. Postcards of insults, postcards of secrets, letters of hellos and goodbyes- all never sent. Burned down candles, broken necklaces. Doodles and drawings and diagrams of life choices. Pro and Con. Yes and No. A box of cigarettes still unopened. A green plastic lump labeled PICKELEFOUR. A red leather book, filled to the brim with quotes. Ads for plays, flyers for shows, concert tickets and playbills. At the bottom a folded fortune teller. “Yellow, Green, Red, or Blue.” The entirety of my life kept within a box on a shelf. Junk meaning nothing and everything.
Species of Spaces- The Bedroom. Love it.
For my FYW class we needed to take one of the samples from Species of Spaces and rewrite it as our own, taking an entire page.
I chose Placd small thought no 2.
Perec's says "The passage of time (my History) leaves behind a residue that accumulates: photographs, drawings, the corpses of long since dried-up felt-pens, shirts, non-returnable glasses and returnable glsses, cigar wrappers, tins, erasers, postcards, books, dust and kickknacks: this is what I call my fortune. "
Thats the extent of the sample so to extend something like that is a bit difficult becase he doesn't go into detail, but I decided to detail it up. And I'm actaully really proud of what I did. I don't care if its exact, its my own interpretation and I like what I did with it. And yes, its very stream-of-conciousness, but whatever. And to warn if your reading this you might find somethings within that you recognize. And so...
Day go by, passing one into another. Nothing to show but an accumulation of stuff, junk. Miscellaneous items meaning nothing, or something. Remove a box from a shelf and what do you find: scraps of paper, ripped and crumbling, snatches of words legible through the folds, “Love ya, Shannon!” or “What happened with Adam?” Meaningful or meaningless? A flowered card wishing “the Best” from Rob. The results of a failed game of MASH, living in a shack with 17 kids. A peg game. A paper plate “Sweetest.” Hockey memorabilia. A rainbow admittance bracelet. A hospital bracelet. A voter registration card. A British pound. A singing birthday card - “Mmm-Bop.” A wooden ruler. Collections of poetry, bad and good. A card, filled with writing, recollections, and Pamela Anderson. A Grassroots Inc. script for getting money on the street. A collection of snapshots; nine smiling girls on a beach. A sign reading “Homecoming 2004, Go Juniors!” A boy in a suit and a girl in a dress, smiling and happy. A group of young students, none older that four years, awkwardly still around a teacher. A line of cheerleaders waiting for competition scores, expectation and dread on their faces. Three children, one an infant, sitting on the lap of an elderly man in flannel. Four young women on a train, invincible for a moment. Everything and nothing. Postcards of insults, postcards of secrets, letters of hellos and goodbyes- all never sent. Burned down candles, broken necklaces. Doodles and drawings and diagrams of life choices. Pro and Con. Yes and No. A box of cigarettes still unopened. A green plastic lump labeled PICKELEFOUR. A red leather book, filled to the brim with quotes. Ads for plays, flyers for shows, concert tickets and playbills. At the bottom a folded fortune teller. “Yellow, Green, Red, or Blue.” The entirety of my life kept within a box on a shelf. Junk meaning nothing and everything.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
I love you, but...
Right now I have that same feeling to where I am. I love you but...
I love this school and this education and this environment but...
I miss my friends. I miss my teachers. I just miss things.
And although you might not know it I am an incredibly shy person. I do not do well when thrust into social situations where everyone knows each other already and I'm the odd one out. Not to say that everyone already knows each other here, but I feel like since they live in the dorms together and did all those dumb bonding things at the night activities during orientation everyone really does know each other. And I'm just standing there awkwardly shadowing my sister cause its the easiest thing for me to do.
I panic when I don't know anyone. I get awkward and just odd. I can't deal with it. So instead I leave. Right now I could be at the "Welcome Back/Kickoff" party for all theater majors. Instead I'm in the apartment. I was there for 10 minutes-ish and then I left because I just couldn't do it. I can't meet people in situations like that, especially when they're all familiar already. It's just too hard for me. I'm shy. People don't realize that, but I truly am a very shy person. I end up curling into myself and avoiding everyone, new and old.
I wish I knew how to move on, or that I could make new friends quicker and easier but I can't. I need someone else's help to introduce me, or to spark a conversation or just something. How am I supposed to be a adult and have an issue like that? How am I supposed to make friends? Expand my horizons? Find someone to connect with? I won't. So I really do need to get over that... But it's just so hard.
I love this school and this education and this environment but...
I miss my friends. I miss my teachers. I just miss things.
And although you might not know it I am an incredibly shy person. I do not do well when thrust into social situations where everyone knows each other already and I'm the odd one out. Not to say that everyone already knows each other here, but I feel like since they live in the dorms together and did all those dumb bonding things at the night activities during orientation everyone really does know each other. And I'm just standing there awkwardly shadowing my sister cause its the easiest thing for me to do.
I panic when I don't know anyone. I get awkward and just odd. I can't deal with it. So instead I leave. Right now I could be at the "Welcome Back/Kickoff" party for all theater majors. Instead I'm in the apartment. I was there for 10 minutes-ish and then I left because I just couldn't do it. I can't meet people in situations like that, especially when they're all familiar already. It's just too hard for me. I'm shy. People don't realize that, but I truly am a very shy person. I end up curling into myself and avoiding everyone, new and old.
I wish I knew how to move on, or that I could make new friends quicker and easier but I can't. I need someone else's help to introduce me, or to spark a conversation or just something. How am I supposed to be a adult and have an issue like that? How am I supposed to make friends? Expand my horizons? Find someone to connect with? I won't. So I really do need to get over that... But it's just so hard.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
i don't care if washington square is a ghost town.
i like it there.
today i went to school for yet another day of orientation.
these days are unending and i am exhusted... but i love it too much to care.
today was finally advising and scheduling for us crazy transfers.
i have classes to take finally!
color me excited.
anyways today i had a perfect hour or so.
it was in washington square.
i had a long break between the lecture and the actual meeting with amy, the woman in charge of my education and life for the next few years, so i decided to go to the park.
i had a book and free time so it seemed like the thing to do.
so i went, after stopping at starbucks for a tea, and i sat.
i found a bench in the sun and read 'eclipse'.
i got pulled into the world of bella and edward and jacob and everything.
and then i put my book down for a bit.
and i jsut sat.
i reveled in all that was around me.
there was a group of women, babysitters, taking groups of children around the park.
a young mother was playing with her two sons as they had a picnic.
some construction workers were on their lunch break, basking in the sunlight and the fresh air on the benchs opposite me.
a girl, my age, was walking a group of dogs on a rotation. her work, i'm guessing.
but as i sat there i realized that i was part of this.
everything that was going on was part of life and the city and everything.
and now i'm part of it.
i am in philadelphia.
at least i will be living there within the next few days.
and until then i'm taking the train there daily.
but it just hit me all at once that all of that, the city of philadelphia and everything in it, is now mine.
i keep expecting someone to come up and pinch me saying"just kidding! have fun in north jersey!"
and i know thats not going to happen, but everything that is happening has bene what i've wanted for so long that it just seems so surreal...
i don't know what i'm really saying but...
please don't pinch me because if this isn't real i don't want to wake up.
i like it there.
today i went to school for yet another day of orientation.
these days are unending and i am exhusted... but i love it too much to care.
today was finally advising and scheduling for us crazy transfers.
i have classes to take finally!
color me excited.
anyways today i had a perfect hour or so.
it was in washington square.
i had a long break between the lecture and the actual meeting with amy, the woman in charge of my education and life for the next few years, so i decided to go to the park.
i had a book and free time so it seemed like the thing to do.
so i went, after stopping at starbucks for a tea, and i sat.
i found a bench in the sun and read 'eclipse'.
i got pulled into the world of bella and edward and jacob and everything.
and then i put my book down for a bit.
and i jsut sat.
i reveled in all that was around me.
there was a group of women, babysitters, taking groups of children around the park.
a young mother was playing with her two sons as they had a picnic.
some construction workers were on their lunch break, basking in the sunlight and the fresh air on the benchs opposite me.
a girl, my age, was walking a group of dogs on a rotation. her work, i'm guessing.
but as i sat there i realized that i was part of this.
everything that was going on was part of life and the city and everything.
and now i'm part of it.
i am in philadelphia.
at least i will be living there within the next few days.
and until then i'm taking the train there daily.
but it just hit me all at once that all of that, the city of philadelphia and everything in it, is now mine.
i keep expecting someone to come up and pinch me saying"just kidding! have fun in north jersey!"
and i know thats not going to happen, but everything that is happening has bene what i've wanted for so long that it just seems so surreal...
i don't know what i'm really saying but...
please don't pinch me because if this isn't real i don't want to wake up.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Has there ever been an instance where you couldn't believe something you did? In your head all you can hear is your own voice saying "What am I doing? Whats going on? This is not me." But it is. No matter how out of character it is - this is you,
That happened to me. Last night.
He kissed me like he meant it. It was sweet and intense and then I just lost it. I kissed him back. I just let go . I went with the moment. And as I did, I didn't feel like me. But at the same time, I did. It was almost freeing- almost. I felt his stubble scratching my skin, his tongue ring hitting my teeth, fighting with me. It was the strangest sensation,. Exhilarating and petrifying at the same time. But I didn't know who I was. I am not the reckless abandon girl. I do not make out with people I've know for a total of two hours. Its just not who I am. And as much as I'd like to blame it on the tequila, it was my own doing. I flirted and played. When he asked if he could kiss me I complied. I was willing, maybe even eager.
Afterward, I looked in the mirror. I thought that I could see it. I could tell what I'd been doing in that hallway. My lips were red from his. My hair mussed by his hands. And I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do. So I laughed.
When he asked for my phone number I said no. We live two hours away. It just didn't seem like the way it should be. So to shut him up I kissed him again, hiding from everyone else as they walked around the corner. And then he was leaving. It was past 3am already. The bar was closed, everyone leaving. And I kissed him again. Goodbye. Infront of everyone on the streets of Manhattan.
Who was I last night?
(Things to Ruin was amazing.
I think I love Joe Iconis - maybe i'm just inlove with a punk rocker named joe?)
That happened to me. Last night.
He kissed me like he meant it. It was sweet and intense and then I just lost it. I kissed him back. I just let go . I went with the moment. And as I did, I didn't feel like me. But at the same time, I did. It was almost freeing- almost. I felt his stubble scratching my skin, his tongue ring hitting my teeth, fighting with me. It was the strangest sensation,. Exhilarating and petrifying at the same time. But I didn't know who I was. I am not the reckless abandon girl. I do not make out with people I've know for a total of two hours. Its just not who I am. And as much as I'd like to blame it on the tequila, it was my own doing. I flirted and played. When he asked if he could kiss me I complied. I was willing, maybe even eager.
Afterward, I looked in the mirror. I thought that I could see it. I could tell what I'd been doing in that hallway. My lips were red from his. My hair mussed by his hands. And I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do. So I laughed.
When he asked for my phone number I said no. We live two hours away. It just didn't seem like the way it should be. So to shut him up I kissed him again, hiding from everyone else as they walked around the corner. And then he was leaving. It was past 3am already. The bar was closed, everyone leaving. And I kissed him again. Goodbye. Infront of everyone on the streets of Manhattan.
Who was I last night?
(Things to Ruin was amazing.
I think I love Joe Iconis - maybe i'm just inlove with a punk rocker named joe?)
Sunday, August 12, 2007
I hate the phone, but I wish you'd call.
There's a myth that every seven years there is a renewal that takes place within the body, cells replacing themselves. According to this idea you become a "new" person every seven years, at least. I know it's not true, but its such a nice idea that I can't resist it. Going on this theory, you could be a completely "different" person every seven years.
I still have moments today where I feel like a fourteen year old girl, so maybe it is time for a change.
Since I'm going to be 21 in a matter of months it may be the beginning of a new time, a new chapter. Time to start anew, open up a new book of my life. Move on. Forget about those people that were holding me back, tying me to the past. Not my friends. I can't let go of them. They're there for me. I mean those people who I really have no connection to other than memories that I live in from time to time. It's time I finally get past certain people. One specifically is one I need to get past. I know it is never going to happen. As if the impending marriage weren't enough, the lack of anything over the past how many years should be a clue. I have this image of him in my mind that I've been building up since... far longer that I'd like to admit. Its not real. And even if it was real, it's not mine. He's not mine.
Every crush I've had since I was in 8th grade. No matter how "over" it and them I may be there is still a little part of me, deep in my heart and my head, that is holding out. That goes pitter-patter at the thought of them, at the sound of their name. It may only be a little flutter, but its there nonetheless. And it needs to be done away with. And soon.
I'm not sure how one goes about cutting someone from their heart, especially when the memory of them still exists, and probably always will, but I need to do this. To move on with my life. I will never find the same sort of attraction as I did to one, the banter I had with another, or the history we shared. But thats okay. Maybe I can find a deeper attraction, more clever banter, and start making my own history...
I still have moments today where I feel like a fourteen year old girl, so maybe it is time for a change.
Since I'm going to be 21 in a matter of months it may be the beginning of a new time, a new chapter. Time to start anew, open up a new book of my life. Move on. Forget about those people that were holding me back, tying me to the past. Not my friends. I can't let go of them. They're there for me. I mean those people who I really have no connection to other than memories that I live in from time to time. It's time I finally get past certain people. One specifically is one I need to get past. I know it is never going to happen. As if the impending marriage weren't enough, the lack of anything over the past how many years should be a clue. I have this image of him in my mind that I've been building up since... far longer that I'd like to admit. Its not real. And even if it was real, it's not mine. He's not mine.
Every crush I've had since I was in 8th grade. No matter how "over" it and them I may be there is still a little part of me, deep in my heart and my head, that is holding out. That goes pitter-patter at the thought of them, at the sound of their name. It may only be a little flutter, but its there nonetheless. And it needs to be done away with. And soon.
I'm not sure how one goes about cutting someone from their heart, especially when the memory of them still exists, and probably always will, but I need to do this. To move on with my life. I will never find the same sort of attraction as I did to one, the banter I had with another, or the history we shared. But thats okay. Maybe I can find a deeper attraction, more clever banter, and start making my own history...
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Into the Woods is now.
You should come see it.
Sacred Heart, Mount Holly.
Saturday - 8pm.
Sunday- 3 pm.
You will laugh and cry and maybe dance a bit.
But in other news.
LBI starting tomorrow (technically, but not really till Sunday night)
If you wanna come down call me.
If you're gonna stay bring your own pillow and towels.
Thats all we really ask.
And now I'm off.
You should come see it.
Sacred Heart, Mount Holly.
Saturday - 8pm.
Sunday- 3 pm.
You will laugh and cry and maybe dance a bit.
But in other news.
LBI starting tomorrow (technically, but not really till Sunday night)
If you wanna come down call me.
If you're gonna stay bring your own pillow and towels.
Thats all we really ask.
And now I'm off.
Monday, July 30, 2007
you'll never know...
i never know what to say when i've taken a sabbatical of sort from this.
do i update on the meaningless things i've done? do i write about whats coming?
do i scream and rant about the futility of life as we know it?
what shall i say?
how about this.
i have no money.
my job doesn't give me nearly enough money for the few hours they allow me to work. thus i am incredibly poor, even after getting a paycheck today.
into the woods is rapidly approaching, like opening on thursday,
i'm scared and excited all at once.
and on stage i am going to look hideous, but in a good way, an old person-ish way.
i am never meant to be an old person i'm thinking by the way i looked in the make up.
anyways.
beachhouse starts on saturday. show ends on sunday.
theres a bit of spillover but its being dealt with and i will be at the house to stay by sunday night.
you are welcome to come and play so long as you have somewhere to stay. call the cell.
i'm getting anxious and excited about the coming month. August.
So muhc is happening.
The Show, The Beach, The School, The Apartment (we think), and LIFE in general.
Its just rushing forward.
This summer has breezed by so fast, I don't know what to say about it.
I feel like it should still be mid-June and here it is the last days of July.
Am I missing out? Is time really just flying?
Or did I just let the summer pass me by?
do i update on the meaningless things i've done? do i write about whats coming?
do i scream and rant about the futility of life as we know it?
what shall i say?
how about this.
i have no money.
my job doesn't give me nearly enough money for the few hours they allow me to work. thus i am incredibly poor, even after getting a paycheck today.
into the woods is rapidly approaching, like opening on thursday,
i'm scared and excited all at once.
and on stage i am going to look hideous, but in a good way, an old person-ish way.
i am never meant to be an old person i'm thinking by the way i looked in the make up.
anyways.
beachhouse starts on saturday. show ends on sunday.
theres a bit of spillover but its being dealt with and i will be at the house to stay by sunday night.
you are welcome to come and play so long as you have somewhere to stay. call the cell.
i'm getting anxious and excited about the coming month. August.
So muhc is happening.
The Show, The Beach, The School, The Apartment (we think), and LIFE in general.
Its just rushing forward.
This summer has breezed by so fast, I don't know what to say about it.
I feel like it should still be mid-June and here it is the last days of July.
Am I missing out? Is time really just flying?
Or did I just let the summer pass me by?
Friday, July 20, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Okay so I was by myself at work today and I randomly got inspired and started writing a monologue that is now leading into a whole play. I already have three scenes done and a fourth started! But anyways. The opening is a monologue.
LIGHTS UP
Alison, a twenty three year old from "anywhere", sits in the middle of the stage. She is applauding someone who just addressed the "group". She congratulates this person on their bravery and ability to speak so candidly about their life when she abruptly stops and looks up as if called on.
Alison: Oh, its my turn? Oh... Okay then. Well, hi. My names Alison and... I date unavailable men. Well, actually no that's not true, I don't date them, at least not usually. Most of the time these men are so unavailable that we can't even get to the dating stage. Maybe we'll do the pre-dating talking thing but it never gets beyond that. I've been wondering why this happens for awhile now and I think I've finally come to a conclusion.
I have horrible taste. Well, no, not horrible but its like I don't see these guys as they really are. I see them as intelligent and cute and funny- which is the complete truth, but I always miss out on the one big thing. The huge part of who they are and how they live their lives. Ya know what I mean? No? Well... how else can I say it... Ummm... Its like they would date me, love me, marry me, sex me except for the fact that they don't... you know, they don't... screw it. They're gay! I always fall for gay men. God knows what this says about me and my psyche- but its the truth. Maybe its because I've grown up doing theater so I spent more time with gay boys than straight. But wouldn't you be able to tell who's gay and who's straight easier from having so much experience with them? Apparently not! Maybe I just have really bad gay-dar, or I'm so desperate for a man I'll take anything. All I know is I always pick out the gays.
There's a joke my friends have. They always say "How do you know if a guy is gay? If you show him to Alison and she likes him!" (deadpan)Hah. I've always thought that one was hilarious. Truly a knee-slapper. But... I digress.
So yeah. That is my issue. And no I'm not attracted to gay men because I'm secretly a lesbian. I've heard that theory thrown around and I'm just not biting. In all honesty the thought of "being" with another girl... it just skeeves me out. I mean no offense to lesbians or anything... but its just not my cup of tea. Ya know?
But, yes. That is my problem, really bad gay-dar coupled with a desperate need to be loved. And the result of that combo- me.
LIGHTS DOWN
maybe let me know what you think?
its rough and just an idea of sorts from when i was sitting at things remembered doing nothing all morning cause we had no customers. but i kind of like it... maybe?
LIGHTS UP
Alison, a twenty three year old from "anywhere", sits in the middle of the stage. She is applauding someone who just addressed the "group". She congratulates this person on their bravery and ability to speak so candidly about their life when she abruptly stops and looks up as if called on.
Alison: Oh, its my turn? Oh... Okay then. Well, hi. My names Alison and... I date unavailable men. Well, actually no that's not true, I don't date them, at least not usually. Most of the time these men are so unavailable that we can't even get to the dating stage. Maybe we'll do the pre-dating talking thing but it never gets beyond that. I've been wondering why this happens for awhile now and I think I've finally come to a conclusion.
I have horrible taste. Well, no, not horrible but its like I don't see these guys as they really are. I see them as intelligent and cute and funny- which is the complete truth, but I always miss out on the one big thing. The huge part of who they are and how they live their lives. Ya know what I mean? No? Well... how else can I say it... Ummm... Its like they would date me, love me, marry me, sex me except for the fact that they don't... you know, they don't... screw it. They're gay! I always fall for gay men. God knows what this says about me and my psyche- but its the truth. Maybe its because I've grown up doing theater so I spent more time with gay boys than straight. But wouldn't you be able to tell who's gay and who's straight easier from having so much experience with them? Apparently not! Maybe I just have really bad gay-dar, or I'm so desperate for a man I'll take anything. All I know is I always pick out the gays.
There's a joke my friends have. They always say "How do you know if a guy is gay? If you show him to Alison and she likes him!" (deadpan)Hah. I've always thought that one was hilarious. Truly a knee-slapper. But... I digress.
So yeah. That is my issue. And no I'm not attracted to gay men because I'm secretly a lesbian. I've heard that theory thrown around and I'm just not biting. In all honesty the thought of "being" with another girl... it just skeeves me out. I mean no offense to lesbians or anything... but its just not my cup of tea. Ya know?
But, yes. That is my problem, really bad gay-dar coupled with a desperate need to be loved. And the result of that combo- me.
LIGHTS DOWN
maybe let me know what you think?
its rough and just an idea of sorts from when i was sitting at things remembered doing nothing all morning cause we had no customers. but i kind of like it... maybe?
Thursday, June 21, 2007
I don't know what other people see
or what they think is love
But I know what it means to me
I fall in love so easily
And it's hard to let your guard down
Something you never wanted to
I gave you my love and if you turned away
I guess i'd be screwed, but...
I'm a hopeless romantic
You're just hopeless
Beer and wine does me fine but
it doesn't always do
When i get back up and dust off
I always come back to you.
I'm my own man with my own plan
I can't do the things you want me to
I'm kinda lazy and I kinda stink
But I'll clean myself up for you
or what they think is love
But I know what it means to me
I fall in love so easily
And it's hard to let your guard down
Something you never wanted to
I gave you my love and if you turned away
I guess i'd be screwed, but...
I'm a hopeless romantic
You're just hopeless
Beer and wine does me fine but
it doesn't always do
When i get back up and dust off
I always come back to you.
I'm my own man with my own plan
I can't do the things you want me to
I'm kinda lazy and I kinda stink
But I'll clean myself up for you
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Oh my God I must have blinders on or something.
How do I not know these things?Am I that oblivious?
Just chalk it up to bad taste one more time.
How can I be so blind?
Idiot.
Anyways.. I should be at work right now.
I was on the schedule from 1 til 5.
Yet here I am. At home. At 2:30 in the afternoon...
Something about this doesn't add up.
Maybe it is because there was no one there when I walked into the mall.
The store was locked.
The gate was down. The lights were off.
Its not like I have a key or any way of getting in,
and even if I did get in I have no idea what to do or where anything is.
I am still training! I have worked three days so far.
I am not ready to do anything like that.
So the store was closed.
And I didn't get the memo, cause someone decided to not come in.
And now there are a ton of angry people (this is all a guess) who wanted their items today. Who were planning on picking up gifts for Fathers Day. Today. And then giving thme to their fathers.
And now they don't have them. And they'll be angry.
And if I have to go into work and deal wit hany of them- I will be angry too.
Even more than I am right now.
I might only be losing $28. But still. That is $28 that I don't have right now.
Moving on...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was stupid. And I made a bad choice.
Don't hold it against me.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I'm human. Its what we were designed to do.
I don't know what else to do...
How do I not know these things?Am I that oblivious?
Just chalk it up to bad taste one more time.
How can I be so blind?
Idiot.
Anyways.. I should be at work right now.
I was on the schedule from 1 til 5.
Yet here I am. At home. At 2:30 in the afternoon...
Something about this doesn't add up.
Maybe it is because there was no one there when I walked into the mall.
The store was locked.
The gate was down. The lights were off.
Its not like I have a key or any way of getting in,
and even if I did get in I have no idea what to do or where anything is.
I am still training! I have worked three days so far.
I am not ready to do anything like that.
So the store was closed.
And I didn't get the memo, cause someone decided to not come in.
And now there are a ton of angry people (this is all a guess) who wanted their items today. Who were planning on picking up gifts for Fathers Day. Today. And then giving thme to their fathers.
And now they don't have them. And they'll be angry.
And if I have to go into work and deal wit hany of them- I will be angry too.
Even more than I am right now.
I might only be losing $28. But still. That is $28 that I don't have right now.
Moving on...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was stupid. And I made a bad choice.
Don't hold it against me.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I'm human. Its what we were designed to do.
I don't know what else to do...
Thursday, June 14, 2007
i officially have a job.
i start in less than ten hours.
fun.
party in maryland on saturday night was interesting.
phone calls are never good ideas. ever.
especially not when you are drinking unknown alcohols.
into the woods will be good.
it must be.
and maybe...
maybe it is time to stop wishing.
take a risk. make a choice.
everything might be up to chance.
but sometimes you need to push chance along- right?
i start in less than ten hours.
fun.
party in maryland on saturday night was interesting.
phone calls are never good ideas. ever.
especially not when you are drinking unknown alcohols.
into the woods will be good.
it must be.
and maybe...
maybe it is time to stop wishing.
take a risk. make a choice.
everything might be up to chance.
but sometimes you need to push chance along- right?
Friday, June 01, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
The Feel Good Revolution
Come by when you get off work
I'll be sitting around doing nothing
Let's wait until the sun goes down
Then we'll drive off deep into the night
Don't care where we're going
As long as I'm going with you
The summer swells in us
With the heat comes a new kind of wanting
Cool nights never cooled us off
Lay around wait for something to happen
But it's three lonely figures
A bedroom, a basement, she's scared
Which one is sleeping and which one is lying awake?
Yeah, which one is sleeping and which one is lying about it?
Afternoon drags on and on
Movie nights that never end
We can hang out all night long
Lay in bed and talk to a good friend
Because we only get older
And we'll probably forget what it's like
The university is quiet today
Didn't clean, we just talked in the bathroom
The girl always gets in the way
Ruined friendships, but others replace them
These opinions are poison
Been drinking them all of my life
Can never replace you
Could never forget what it's like
Step out on a moonlit roof
The radio leads a feel good revolution
Cigarettes and my closest friends
Tell myself that I have to remember this
Remember this
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember this
To remember this
I'll be sitting around doing nothing
Let's wait until the sun goes down
Then we'll drive off deep into the night
Don't care where we're going
As long as I'm going with you
The summer swells in us
With the heat comes a new kind of wanting
Cool nights never cooled us off
Lay around wait for something to happen
But it's three lonely figures
A bedroom, a basement, she's scared
Which one is sleeping and which one is lying awake?
Yeah, which one is sleeping and which one is lying about it?
Afternoon drags on and on
Movie nights that never end
We can hang out all night long
Lay in bed and talk to a good friend
Because we only get older
And we'll probably forget what it's like
The university is quiet today
Didn't clean, we just talked in the bathroom
The girl always gets in the way
Ruined friendships, but others replace them
These opinions are poison
Been drinking them all of my life
Can never replace you
Could never forget what it's like
Step out on a moonlit roof
The radio leads a feel good revolution
Cigarettes and my closest friends
Tell myself that I have to remember this
Remember this
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember
Tell myself that I've got to remember this, remember this
To remember this
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