the weather is shit.
it ruined my plans for the day.
and probably for tomorrow.
and tomorrow is st pattys day and i'll end up sitting at home
getting all my shit together maybe drinking alone- probably not cause its not my style.
its really just a shame that no one was around for break at the same time as me.
very unfortunate- at least for me.


saw altar boyz last night with jess and mom. it was fun. cute. hot boys. singing. dancing.
an all around party.

Certain Tragedy.

And now I finally see that the further we go
we're only treading ground that we already know.
I could write you a song, send you a note,
or empty out your trash
and buy a bucket full of diamonds
but even the most beautiful of all roses
must someday crumble to dust and fade away.
It's a certain tragedy.

So it's on into the lonely nights and all the rest of it.
The empty space between me and the sunken walls
and feeling someone's hand around my neck
choking away the life that i have left.
And I can finally see that the further I go
I'm only treading ground that I don't wanna know.
I'll probably hang upside-down
from wooden rafters in my home
and look at old photos of you.
So it's on into the lonely nights and all the rest of it.
The empty space between me and the sunken walls
and feeling someone's hand around my neck
choking away the life that i have left.
I miss the warmth of the summer
when we were on our own,
but now it's winter and my bones are cold.

And now I finally see that the further we go
we're only treading ground that we already know.
I could write you a song, send you a note,
or empty out your trash and
buy a bucket full of diamonds but
even the most beautiful of all roses
must someday crumble to dust and fade away.
It's a certain tragedy.

sometimes life is just too predictable.
sometimes people are just too predictable.
i should've seen it coming,
i should've known better.
after everytimes its been said and nothings happened- you'd think i'd learn.

but i don't.
i have this eternal faith that it'll work out.
things won't fall through.
people will come through.


but they usually don't...

maybe the rest of this week will work out at some point in time.


i did manage to get some clothes at least. such as...

this - but in green




this type of top but not quite... and its belted with a green faux leather belt... different.
and a bunch of other pieces. <3

its officially official

i got a letter and everything.
next semester i won't be at fdu.
I will be a freshman transfer at the University of the Arts in Philadelphia.
Its surreal. I know its going to happen. I got the letter, the big envelope, even a scholarship -but its like I can't believe it.
Its the school I have wanted to go to since I was in 6th or 7th grade when I first heard about it. Maybe my plans have changed a bit, and the major has definitly changed in time, but still. Its the place.
And its the program I have really wanted- Theater. I might now be acting, but instead I'll be writing. I wanted to be a writer before I knew how to do anything else. And now I'll be focusing on playwriting. Its like life comes full circle.
I've told some people here that its completely official.
But not Rob. I don't know what to say, or how to.
I don't want him to think less of me cause I really respect him.
But I leave for Spring Break tomorrow so I guess that will give me time to figure it out- unless I see him and spill the beans, but I don't think he's really here on campus Fridays.
I just can't.. I still can't believe it.
I really am having a situation wrapping my head around the fact that I am getting what I want- what I've almost always wanted.
Its a feeling I'm really not used to at all...

Going home tomorrow is so welcome- I just want to see this letter, make it real to me.
Plus see a few people, do some shopping, maybe a little partying, and just have some fun and not worry about what work I have to do or what I have rehearsal for.

Its my life- through cartoon. For Reals.

queer as folk is cute. i couldnt get into it before but now i like it.
its fun. and funny. and filled with many hot guys- even if they are gay, on the show.

5 days left at school.
then homeward bound for springbreak.
thank god.
i want to go home. and go play in philly.
and see people- like colleen duncan, maybe?!
and jessica and nicholas and maybe even spanky.

and go shopping with miss nikki. and the zoo and the aquarium too apparently.
and get my official letter. and not pay for housing here for next year- cause i won't be here.
i'm goin somewhere else.

it is sad that it makes me smile this much?

ps theres a plague going around fdu. its crazy gross. makes people throw up and fever and all sorts of nasty stuff. and its really a norovirus, but a ton of people are getting it. we just had an emergency hall meeting to inform us of the fact that there will be cleaning supplies available for us so that we dont die. and that if anyone throws up that we should call PS because that person needs an IV immediately. and all sort of other information. blah blah blah.

i kinda wanna get it now cause that way i wont risk it for spring break. and also i just dont want to go to class at all.
ever.

hey, jealousy.

i'm jealous.
i want that social life.
i want things to do, places to go, people to see.
i'm so boring!

save me. from here. and from myself. and from boredom!
blahhhh.

you are my sweetest downfall

That itchy feeling you've been having from time to time lately is good old wanderlust. You need to travel out of your familiar territory and experience a new culture. Being uncomfortable in an airplane seat is a small price to pay for the rewards you will experience once you land. Start planning a long-distance journey today - and consider a foreign country. There are ways of making the trip fit into your budget.

obviously this means going to philly and part of south jersey i am unfamiliar with. its a night and day between here and there so its practically another country. and i have no money, so the whole budget thing will work out. its meant to be!


please don't mind all the things with the horoscopes lately. they've just seemed right for me. and i know the whole point is that they'll work no matter what cause people will choose to believe the horoscopes as they wish to see them but still.. sometimes they are just too perfect.

Apres moi

Your luck is changing today- which could be either good or bad. If you've recently felt as though the entire universe has been conspiring to give you delightful surprises, your well of good fortune is going to get a bit drier. But if you've felt as though nothing has been going your way, you're going to see a very nice change in direction. From finding twenty dollars in the laundry to getting that phone call you've been hoping for, things will definitely start looking up.


well if you've been reading this for the past month you know I haven't felt like the universe has been giving me delightful surprises... so maybe it will start to now.
This is it. February 28th. I have managed to put something in this journal on every calendar date of this month. As per my goal set on the first. Its so nice to know you accomplished something you set out to do, even if its something as frivolous as writing in a blog. I still feel like I did something, at least.

I still have no idea what it is thats going on with myself. A good friend of mine told me to talk to someone about it. And I trust her to tell me the right thing to do. But I don't know that I can go out and seek someone to talk to. Sometimes it just seems weird. Like inappropriate to talk about my issues. Like everybody has problems and mine aren't nearly as big as other peoples so why should I waste someones time when they could be helping someone who really needs it.

I have a Core 3 paper to turn in tomorrow. Its still not finished. But it should have been done on Monday. I suck at life. Whatever. It just wasn't working out. There are those moments when you try so hard to accomplish something and its just not coming together- this whole weekend was one long extended moment for me. Nothing worked out for work. Oh well.

Yesterday I finally sang "I'm Going Back" in Allen's class. It actually worked out fairly well, which surprised me. I thought it would suck hardcore. But everyone pretty much liked it. There were a few off notes but Allen actually said I "sang the shit out of it" which is a good thing. I love when hard work pays off. Cause I did work really hard on that song. It took forever to even get the characterization I gave it yesterday and then it was general cause there is no good synopsis of "Bells Are Ringing." I might get a book with the whole indepth look at it so I can then get even deeper into the song and keep it in my book cause I really like where it sits and how it sounds. Its got a very classic Broadway Belter sound to it, which is what I was really missing from my book. So yay for that.

Rehearsal tonight. I can already tell you it will probably suck for me cause I have a pounding headache (literally pounding, as in I slammed my head into the wall by accident and this headache is whats left over from that) Maybe it will go away eventually. That would certainly be welcome.

I don't know what else to say.
I think I might keep up with this every day thing, or atleast fairly often. I like it.
It gives me something to look at later so I can go "oh thats what I did with my days and my youth and my life" Or something to that effect.
<3

"lol i died i even may have tinkled in my panties"

nikki venuto- conversations with you seriously make my life.

that is all.

Jessica Darling and I

"I never look forward to anything... Because whenever I look forward to anything, it ends up sucking. The buildup inevitably leads to a let down. It's safer to lowball my way through life."

have truer words been spoken?

I'm praying for snow right now.
Or at least more snow than we are currently getting.
I don't want to have class tomorrow.
I don't want to finish my paper that I'm currently writing "Religion In Post-Mao China: Open or Oppressing?"
It's boring me.
Right now I'd prefer to curl up in a ball and read Second Helpings.
Last night I finished rereading Sloppy Firsts.
I just want to continue in the whole story- all three books.
I relate to Jessica Darling way too well.
I swear Megan McCafferty somehow pushed her way into my head.
Or something like that.
But its good. Hopefully I can find my own Marcus Flutie to challenge me the way he does Jessica.
Even if things don't work out perfectly there, for them. Theres still what there was. And what may be- since there is going to be a fourth book.
I would just love to have that kind of connection with someone.
Theres times when I start to think I feel something like that... but then its gone in a matter of moments or sometimes days.
Its dissapointing.
But maybe its just not my time yet.
Maybe I need to wait it out... maybe then I'll find what I need.
Or who I need.
Although it would be really nice to find that someone right now, whoever he is.



So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

guess whos not in the ballet for carousel.

oh yeah me.
i think its hilarious. i have how many years of training and i don't get to do any dancing at all in thise whole show really. lots of bobbing up and down.
some spinning and an alamande.

it just kills me cause i know i can dance.
and because of the way i look she assumes i can't.
she has no idea of my skill level and its not like i can make it known.
so i'm stuck being part of the "hey you suck" group.
when i know i don't.
maybe i should be satisfied in the knowledge that i myself know that i don't suck
but thats not enough.
i just want some recognition.
this is probably my last show at fdu.
i want to be able to do something.
remember something from here.


maybe thats asking for too much.

its in your eyes george

good and long day.
but its okay.
cause i have a quesedilla waiting for me in the fridge right now.
and i am so excited for that right now.
cause i am that pathetic.

but whatever.
right now i'm thinking that i will just curl up in a ball with my quesedilla and my copy of sloppy firsts and pass out. tomorrow will be filled with work of the home kind.
ickk.

i just really feel like giving up sometimes.
but i know i can't
theres a light at the end of the tunnel usually.
i talked to allen today.
he said he'd be sad if i was gone.
he's be happy for them for gaining me, and for me cause i'll do well.
but sad for himself and the school for loosing me.
i love himmm.

rumor has it my interview went well..
lets hope ::crosses fingers::

George is afraid.
George sees the park.
George sees it dying.
George too may fade,
Leaving no mark,
Just passing through.
Just like the people
Out strolling on Sunday...

George looks around.
George is alone.
No use denying
George is aground.
George has outgrown
What he can do.
George would have liked to see
People out strolling on Sunday...

Should I be hurt?

cause i'm not. maybe thats cause i have no heart. or maybe its because i have one but its cold. or maybe because i dont care about it. i'm apathetic. lifes just easier that way for somethings.

as puja said, "blogs are evil.you should vent to microsoft word and leave it there."

i dont agree. but the thing is people don't get the full story.
you don't understand whats behind the thought.

i might say i'm growing up and changing, but thats doesnt mean apart. or away.

i'm not happy here. but its in this environment. its in this place where i feel like i'm disconnected from the rest of the world. i need to be in a place with a heartbeart. a pulse. a city.
this place, this school, gives me headaches. and backaches. and neckaches. and heartaches.
maybe i'm being over dramatic but i dont think so. i just feel the way i do.

I haven't talked to anyone in person about UArts because it hurts too much. I know I should let it out there but I can't yet. And maybe thats unhealthy, but right now its what I need to do. Plus there are other prospects and possibilities for me out there. I know that the next semester I will not be on this campus. I maybe still be enrolled in this school but I will not be here. I will be in Wroxton. And if I really have my way I'll be in Philadelphia. Please God, let me be in Philadelphia.


Its not that I don't love the people here. Because I do with all my heart.
You might not think so but I do. And I might not show it, but thats because i have issues showing emotion.
And maybe I expect too much. Or ask too much. Or think too highly of myself sometimes.
But thats because normally I think I suck. And that I don't deserve things.
I'm screwed up. I know it.
I probably need therapy.
I probably have some weird deep seeded issues from childhood that didn't start to manifest itself until recently.
Greg and I were talking about the last time we were truely 100% happy, with nothing causing any problems. I said June 2005. Thats the last time I could think of being almost carefree. And honestly thats not even right cause there was all the stress following senior week. But it really was a great time, with great people. And I miss that. I miss that summer in general. But that was my answer. And I think that provides a big hint as to life here and what its been like for me. I might have had a good time once in awhile, or maybe even consistently but there was always something missing too. And it was me. I don't know who I am here. I barely know who I am in general. And I want to find out. And I've tried and tried but it just hasn't worked out here. And I think its because this is not the place I am meant to be. I should be somewhere else in the world.
Maybe if I find somewhere new- I'll find someone new- like the real me.
WHoever that is...

wow this wasn't really planned.

i'd appreciate it if you'd keep my name out of your mouth.
thank you.

you have no idea what it is thats going on in my head and my heart.
and i'd prefer to keep it that way.
there are some things that need to be worked out on my own.
this is one of them.
i need to find my own way, on my own terms, in my own time.

nothing you say or try to do is going to change that.
i am who i am.
i don't need to be fixed or changed or anything.
this is me.
these are my thoughts.
and my opinions.
no one is forcing them down your throat.
your taking them on your own.


in other news i already have a lot more done on my play. i'm just waiting for the okay from frank warren. i hope he grants me permission. if not then I guess I can change everything. It won't stop postsecret from having been the inspiration. i have four monolouges finished already. from different presepctives. one is a gay priest. one is a man who just had his marriage proposal refused. one is a girl who wants to learn to wink so badly because of what it could do for her social life (at least in her mind). and one is a woman married to a man whos been crippled.
i like where i'm going with these.
i hope they work out.

and allen gave me a new song today- Somewhere Thats Green!!!!
little shop of horrors.
one of the shows nearest and dearest to my heart.
it makes me happy <3

people smell. for reals.
but i'm writing another play. screw the one person one act that was really about me. it was bad.
instead i'm writing (hopefully with frank warren's permission) a collection of monologues based on secrets that have been mailed to postsecret. its an interesting prospect to me right now. i hope i can follow through. i have a tendancy of starting these things and then letting them fall off. i really like this idea so i'd like to actually complete it. i have half of the first monologue done so far. its based on the secret that said "Somedays, it feels more like a noose!!!" with a man wearing a priests collar.
i think its interesting.

What makes me so bullet proof?
What makes me act so removed?


i should be writing a core paper. its not due til next week but i have no idea what i'm doing with it so i really should work on it. instead i'm listening to alexz johnson on repeat and writing a one person play thats actually me. the character is named jane at the moment but its me. its pure me.
at the moment theres about 4 pages. not alot, but its all her so it really is a lot of dialogue. its funny cause whenever i write the character turns into me. i guess its because i know me better then i know anything else and you write what you know. maybe i'm just a lazy writer... i dunno. but i like where its going so far. better then the one i wrote for playwriting and dramatic structure. i never really liked that play, i just did it cause i had to for course credits... but this is of my own volition. last night i just got an idea and started running with it. and here i am.

i have this headache that won't go away. its been around for a few days now/ and no matter how much sleep i get or how many tears i cry or shower i get or anything it won't stop. its not horrible but its just a constant dull ache in my head. that type that just gets on ones nerves. its annoying.



My skin doesn't fit
My words seem so hollow
I feel like a fraud
And that's a bitter pill to swallow

Sometimes it hits me right between the eyes
Everyone can see through my disguise

Who am I fooling
I'm just a smiling face
In a make-believe world
Who am I fooling
I'm just a wannabe
So easy to replace
Pretending I'm a perfect girl

All alone in the mirror
All alone on the shelf
I'm trying to hold on
To a little piece of myself

Doesn't anybody realize
Even I don't buy my own disguise

Sagittarius

Things have calmed downa bit in your life, so today is a very good time to start thinking about new places you want to go and new things you want to do. Look to the people you greatly admire for guidance, and they will inspire you. If you start to feel drawn to humanitarian activities, go with it! To keep yourself happy and engaged with life, you have to keep expanding your horizons. Step out of your predictable world and discover new beginnings.