it seems longer, it seems like forever

I do realize that this post card is from Michigan. But in my mind I want to think that someone wrote it for me. I want to believe that there is someone in the world who sees me as colorful, complex, and having a beauty thats all my own. I know its wishful thinking but it would be lovely if it were so. At least I think so. Lovely.



Dimple kidnapped me for the past twenty four hours (and then some). I became the non-Filipino member of the Cavan clan. It was a lovely day. Starting with sing-a-long last night, big talky gossip session, The Little Mermaid to sleep, even chruch this morning. And thne off to Atlantic city for shopping and wandering (fun), and then to Vietnamese food in Philly, then Chad's then finally home. A grand old time. I miss hanging out with Dimp and now we all only get a little bit of time with her before shes gotta move back to Boston for some interning fun. Tres sad.


So I know I'm not always okay with it, but I normally can deal with being the single one. The slightly awkward, snarky, chubby, single friend. Its been my life story. But I'm not okay with that. Maybe I have been before, or at least I've lied and said I was okay with it. But I don't know that I can be okay with it anymore. I don't want to just date someone for the sake of dating them, but I want to date. I want a boy. I want a boy to like me. I want a boy to like. I want some sort of mutual attraction. I want someone. I want something more than I have. I am so jealous of those people who are perpetually in relationships. I mean maybe they aren't always that meaningful, hence the continually falling in and out. But still. They have that connection. They get to experience something with someone else. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. Which might not be true cause its not like I don't do anything, but theres just.... There's a lot missing. And I want a connection. I want a feeling. I want something.
I feel devoid.



Also in looking back on high school today with Dimp... it is amazing. I have these moments where it feels like I still am in high school, an awkward freshman carrying around too many books. And then theres times like today. Where its becomes really obvious that it has been two years since I've seen many of those people, or even thought of them. I struggled to remember names. I found it hard to picture certain peoples faces. Its odd. I know its hit me in the past but tonight I really realized that high school is over. College is halfway done (for most, not me but thats another story). Life is rushing forward and I don't know what is going on. Its scary and exhilarating all at once.

Beautiful Disaster

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.

101 - in the shade?

school is done.
i am still unemployed- at least for now.
it seems like no one is home yet, even though i know they are. we're all just having difficulties seeing each other. but that will be remedied.

i got all of my final grade. i made deans list and i didn't even do too horribly in weather and climate somehow. thank god.

on the last day of classes i had my final for allen's class. and when i handed in my final he talked to me, only for a minute or two, but it was so encouraging and nice. i will miss him next year. i wish he would follow me and start working at uarts like he was supposed to a few years ago. but he told me (in so many words) to stick with writing because from my paper he could tell i was good at it. and to not give up on performing because even though i might have a hard time getting cast with my type i won't alway and eventually i will succeed and i could really breakthrough into that world. it was just nice. no one's ever given me that kind of speech. and coming from him it meant a lot to me because he knows what he is talking about. he's an "industry professional" or whatever you'd like to say. but he does know what he's talking about. and the fact that he has faith in me.... its nice. very. and it makes me believe in myself some more. maybe i won't get the parts i want now... but eventually. in the future.
he said i was really talented. and that i have a great voice.
i know a ton of people have said it to me before... but sometimes you need to hear it from someone who doesn't feel obligated to say it because of family ties or friendship. he didn't need to give me that speech- it could've been a goodbye, goodluck thing. but instead he said all that.... it was really, very nice.

"She loves the smell of old books."

Its been awhile, I know. At first I could have blamed it on the almost three weeks I was without a computer because of repair issues. But then it got to a point where I was either lazy or busy... or both. But jsut because I haven't written here doesn't mean I haven't been writing. Because I have, just of my own volition. I've figured that if I plan on being a student of writing in any way I should really stick with it and try to finish some projects, because normally I get too distracted to finish. And I still haven't finished anything- but I've certainly started some and I have even more ideas coming. Which is great.I just had a test, it lasted one minute. Twenty-five multiple choice questions. Amazing. The last "core" class I will ever need to take. I made it up to "Core 3: Cross-Cultural Perspectives" It's what we call a party, or "lets watch a movie today" since that is all we did the entire time. But it wasn't too bad. I did read an incredible book about motherhood in Africa in the 1930s, as things were changing from tribal societies to those influenced by Western Culture. "The Joys of Motherhood" Very good, interesting style too.
This is my last week of classes. Actually its finals week. My last week at FDU. It still hasn't set in that I won't be here next semester. I know when I think about it that I won't be here, but it hasn't set in that I will not be having classes in NAB or the Mansion or be performing on the Dreyfuss stage next year. I won't be seeing these people who have been a huge part of my life this past year or two. Its certainly scary. I don't know when its goning to hit me, but I have a feeling that when it does it will not be pretty. There will probably be tears. Heavy ones, as that is the only way I react to things as of late.I really have become quite the crier. Which is funny, at least to me, because in the past I would not cry. I spent a whole 8 months of my junior year not crying only to have it all come out one night while reading "The Truth About Forever" by Sarah Dessen. Since then I've let the tears come as they may, but lately it has just been over the top. Far more than I would expect, and we're talking about me! I should be able to predict in some way the amount of crying I'll do, shouldn't I?
I am so strange. But I guess thats just how I am. I started to pack my things away today. I only have enough clothing out to last me the week. A skirt a day, plus an extra skirt for today because Chorus needs to sing for a dedication or naming ceremony, or something like that, at the mansion later. It should be pretty, singing in French "Rose Lis Printemps" (or however it is spelled). That's a last minute change considering last week we were supposed to be singing "Lift Every Voice" and the "FDU Alma Mater". But that it perfectly acceptable because our alma mater is horrible. If it could have been re-writtten I think everyone would have preferred it, but whatever. It doesn't even matter now.
I went back to my high school. Holy Cross. My home of four years. Felicia went too. She's beenb back plenty of times. This was only my fourth. But then again. I don't have brothers on the backetball and wrestling teams like she does. But we went to see Big River. It was a well done production for the most part. Its sad because as I've become more educated about theater some of its been ruined for me. As in the past I would have gone, watched the show and come out saying "Wow, that was great!" like a large portion of the audience, all I could do was focus on the bad acting filled with movement around the stage that had nothing to do with the characters objective, tons of indication, and at some points an actor going dead while the other is performing. In the past I might have noticed the movement part, but thats it. Now all of this jumps out at me. But so be it. That is what comes with education.
Also went to UArts and saw Back2Back2Back, a collection of three one act plays. It was cute. Fun. I personally liked the middle section, titled Back2Back (the entire collection getting its name from this), but according to Jessica that one was the least popular. It had the most complicated music, and a story about neurotic New Yorkers struggling to make a connection with each other as they go in and out of their appointments with their shrink (who the two of them see back to back- get it?!) But I really enjoyed it. Also earlier in the day there was Alex's communion party and a bar-b-q ar Gene's house. Technically speaking it was a cast part for the UArts cast of You Can't Take It With You, but his wife suggested he invite the London people, thus I was there. I got to meet a lot of people who I'll be with next semester, including the boy Jessica and I will be living with, John. He is adorable. I don't even know what else to say other than that. But it was fun. A little awkward for me, not knowing anyone but Jessica, Carl (who barely said hi- whated) and Cherie. But still it was fun.
And then the next day it was Jillian's baby shower. That was cute. With lots of light blue. She's having a boy, Hunter. He is due next month. And God knows he will be adorable. And he already has enough clothing to cover his body til he's 2 nad not have to repeat an outfit- of course that sonly if he never grew. Which he will do half of the adorable onesies people bought for him won't get worn. but oh well. It will still be cute to look at. I can't wait for there ot be a new baby around. I know I won't see him very much. But I love babies. And if I could I would offer up my babysitting services. I'll be a good mom when my time comes. Which with the way things are going will not be for a very, very long time. It's almost a shame, but so be it.
I tried to apologize to someone recently for the way I treated him. I was throughtless and heartless at the time. But he has since dissappeared. And by that I mean, gotten rid of his myspace and stopped signing in online. I have his cell phone number but I don't want to be weird about it. So I guess I will just wait until I get to talk to him in person or he comes back on line. I just really want to say sorry for running away. I didn't mean to. Well, actually thats a lie. I did mean to. But I was scared. He was coming on strong and I didn't know how else to react. It was one of my first times in that sort of situation and I didn't know what else to do. And now, ages later, I feel even more terrible about it than I did at the time. It wasn't anything big. But its been on my mind. And I've been thinking in "What If's". What if I had just said yes? What if I hadn't been afraid of someone who was actually interested in me? Things could have been so different. But I can't change the past. So, I have to take whats happened and what part I played in the decision making.
I'm just odd. Weird. Strange. Abnormal. You know the deal. Anyways, now that I've ranted on for nearly twenty years, I believe it is time for me to study Italian. I have a final tomorrow and it is going to be near impossible. But I will manage...somehow. I'm not quite sure how that is, but I will. And hopefully I will keep the "A-" (or something like that) I have in the class right now. It would be incredibly pleasant. Especially since that is what I am struggling the most with grade-wise I believe, other than Weather and Climate, which doesn't count since no one is doing well in that entire class except Nicole. Oh well.
I am currently watching a bad Lindsay Lohan movie Just My Luck. It is so cheesy and corny and hokey. But Its cute at the same time. Plus she has great clothes throughout it. Okay. Off to the nation of Italy. Studying and all of that sort of fun.
Oh and by the way, I was cast as Jack's Mother in Into the Woods. It's not exactly what I wanted, but it is better than I expected. And James was cast as Jack. Which is cool, that means I get to hang out with him some this summer. He is years younger than me but when we've talked we get along so it'll be fun. Plus we can make fun of Chelsea behind her back.

So its been a whole week since I wrote last, but its justified.
My computer decided to commit suicide. Very not cool.
Late Wednesday night it just stopped working.
I didn't really understand why, so Thursday (when I should have been turning in a project that was due but had been lost to the depths of my computer) Joe came and looked it over. The diagnosis was not good. But also not positive.
So I figured I'll take it to the Geek Squad at BestBuy and they will fix it and hopefully everything I have saved from the past two years will be there because I have not yet begun to transfer everything over to disk for when I get my new computer a la MAC.
So Friday after Allen Cohen's class my mother was waiting outside of Dreyfuss to take me home.It was Into the Woods auditions for this summer. I sang "Take Me To The World" from Evening Primrose. And I had a monologue prepared from Street Scene. But I told the ajudicates (is thats the right word?) that I was just realizing how inappropriate the monologue was for the actual show. And so I read a scene (as did most of the people who auditioned). Mine was for Jack's Mother (blah) but its okay. Risa called me Saturday afternoon saying that callbacks were that night and to come in at 8. And so I did. But not before going to BestBuy, praying that my computer could be fixed and my information saved, or that they could just salvage my Poli Sci project (and maybe the beginnings of my Research Paper on Sondheim and Prince). But alas at the time they could not. They said the problem is either with the Motherboard or the HardDrive. If its the harddrive they can fix it in the store, but my information is gone. If its the motherboard they need to send it away to fix it, but my information will be safe. Six on way, half dozen the other. But really I hope its the motherboard. I have too many things saved- music, pictures, writings, everything! My life, really.
But anyways after that crushing dissapointment of a trip to BestBuy it was callbacks time. So I went and I ended up reading for 4 different parts, Jack's Mother (eh), Little Red (oo!), The Witch (last minute addition), and Cinderella (huh?). But it was cool. And James was there! I had no idea he was auditioning at all, of course I haven't seen him since last June, but still. Pete had called him and said to do it; and so he did. He was calledback for Jack. And he was good at it. We read together when I was being Little Red. It was fun. But anyways, she still has a few more people to see on Monday (i think?) and we will be notified in the coming week.
So now I am off to school. Without a computer. I just hate feeling so disconnected. I need contact with other people, even if it is only through a conversation online. So yes, don't expect to talk to me on IM. Or even see me on myspace or facebook too often. I will try and check once a day using the Dreyfuss computers, but who knows.
Til a much later date... <3

"and I'll still be alone..."

A moment of connection. OUr very own version of Six Degrees of Separation. Coincidence all around. Our very own 'bench scene', more introductory, exclamatory "Wow!". Not so romantic.
But still. A 'something' occurred. And then it fizzled away into nothingness.
Its like we discussed before... Those kinds of chance meetings do not happen to most people- only to a few. And it does not seem like my life is destined to be one of those, no hints of a 'great romance' coming my way.
I do understand that though. I know what my life could be like. Me, a spinster, old before my time, in a decrepit apartment filled with many cats. Frightening, depressing, all too possible. I understand that is a possibility for my future, along with everyone else's- even if it seems more likely a path for me over others. But although I accept and attempt to come to terms with that possibility I cannot assume that it is the definite path my life will follow. And connections like todays, even if only for a fleeting moment, give me hope.
The hope they give me is what keeps me from giving up on myself. To be able to believe that a connection, even if slight, could occur for only a minute allows me to trust that I could find a connection with another person that could extend for five more minutes, maybe even ten... until we really are 'together.'
Maybe I'm just a big idealist. I do believe that everyone has a person out there that they are meant to be with. Some people are just unable to find their other half. They may try but end up leaving a trail of missed connections and opportunities in their wake. Or they may be shy. Unable to escape themselves, break down their walls and open their hearts to another. And then there are those who cannot find security. Instead of finding one they jump from one to another. Finding as many as possible. But never just one who can keep them, understand them, see past the pretense and the past to the real them.
I don't know where I fit into this. I would say I am shy- because I am, painfully so in some situations. Also I leave many connections behind, not intentionally, its just something that happens. And connections are not something you can force. They just happen. And when they fade away, so be it. That may just be the way things are meant to be. And one day, hopefully not too far away, there will be a connection, completely organic and unforced that will grow and continue to do so. Rather than fade away, it will flourish. And I will have found him. That one person.
But until then there is only one thing I can do. Hope. I will not lose my hope that everything will work out. I will keep believing that it is possible for me to find someone, maybe even love. Because even if I'm not beautiful I do deserve love. Everyone does. But I am getting to a painfully disheartened state. But I will not let it get the best of me. I will keep my hope and faith and trust. And it will happen to me someday...

Somewhere in New York winds are blowing, winters going into spring...

Its almost three am and I'm not yet tired because I passes out earlier tonight. And now I've managed to throw off my entire sleeping schedule. Awesome. I'm thinking that tomorrow (or today at this point) I'm going to head into the city, try to work on my Sondheim/Prince research paper at Lincoln Center Library. I have to call though and try to find out what it is that I need to have so I can use all the materials I need.

The run of Carousel went really well for the most part. There was a few screw ups but on a whole it was a smooth run. Sunday we had a huge audience. The biggest Sunday audience theres ever been for an FDU show, supposedly. It honestly looked like a larger audience than there was for any performance of Cabaret last year. Yay for the cast. We all worked really hard and it paid off. So go team.

I should be working on some sort of paper on India thats due on Thursday. Right now I have no topic even... That should be fixed soon. But it probably won't be until tomorrow night. I'll write it crazy late. Get about 3 hours of sleep and then go to my core class, hand in the paper and then sleep through Gandhi (which we are currently watching) and then go fake my way through Poli-Sci. It will be a party of a Thursday.

Oh, on Sunday night, after strike and whatnot, Josh had a bar-b-q for the cast at his house. Not everyone came but a few were there. And the seniors gave out paper plate awards. Mine was The "We'll Miss You Like A Fat Kid On A Diet Misses Cake" Award. Cute. It made me happy.


I really don't know what I'm doing.
Into the Woods auditions are in a little over a week. I'm not ready yet. I still haven't picked my monologue, but I just can't make up my mind yet. Theres too many that I know. I figure I will go through all my different plays and collections when I go home on Saturday. Friday night if JRB in concert! woot! I'm excited. I hope he'll play "Anywhere But Here" cause I love that song. It's so beautiful.

But yeah... I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm just kind of writing for the sake of writing.

PS: I want to find a boy. Immediately. I'm so bored and I just kind of want someone to be infatuated with. I haven't had a real crush in awhile... le sigh.

Do you remember when things were so much easier? Do you remember when life wasn't so complicated? Do you remember when everything didn't need to be analyzed within an inch of its life?

Me neither.

I cried today. Quietly. No one noticed, or at least they didn't say anything to me. Maybe I'm just that easily ignored. At the end of our final dress rehearsal the cast sat and got notes as usual and then Rob was talking. He started to talk about wanting us to realize that this is the only time we will be able to do this show. in this theater. with this cast and group of people. at this point of time in our lives.
That really just hit me. Hard. I realized that this is it. After Sunday who knows what I'll be doing in theater. I'll audition for something this summer but if it doesn't work out I will not stay in the production because I cannot do that to myself. And then I'll be off to UArts. Where I will be in a completely different part of the theater. I won't be on stage. I won't be performing. I won't be in the situations where what I, the character, is feeling is so intense and huge that it needs to be sung about. It needs music, not just words. I won't have any of that. I will still sing. I don't think I will ever stop singing but it won't be the same.
And I won't have these people. Who I love.
I don't want to lose some of them. I don't want to be the complete ruination of what was left of PickleFour. I don't want to put an end to any possible gathering of the people from SuiteGSpot who still speak. I can't lose these people. I need them. And I'm scared of what life will be like without them- not in a scholastic setting, emotionally speaking. I know I can succeed academically because I did all through high school, but still... It's frightening. I am worried. As much as I might claim to hate FDU, its just the school. Not the people. Not the teachers. I wish I could go to UArts, bring a bunch of these people with me, still have Rob and Allen as teachers and still go to Wroxton. I want the best of both worlds. And I know thats not an option. And I made my decision. And it is the one that will be better for my career in the end. But I still am sad.
I almost feel like in doing this I'm giving up.
I'm finding a new major, one that doesn't involve acting. I felt insecure about my acting (even though when coupled with singing it is what I want to do more than anything in the world.) And so I gave up. I know its not exactly what happened. But in current retrospect thats what it feels like. And thats not good. I need to be confident that I've made the best decision. And I know that I have on an intellectual level... its just the emotional one that scares me. I have this fear in the pit of my stomach that I'll leave here and then just get completely lost at Uarts. I'll end up dissapointing everyone. I won't succeed. And I cannot deal with failure. I get upset with getting Cs. I cannot do badly. And I'm so afraid that I am not a good enough writer, or creative enough, or driven enough, or talented enough. I'll end up not living up to the supposed potential...
I can't do this..
But I need to. I hate debating with myself like this. Especially when its almost 5 in the morning and I should've been asleep at least 3 hours ago, if not 5.
I just want some sort of assurance that I am doing the right thing. That everything will work out. That I can have my cake and eat it too. That I won't lose my friends. I really can't deal with that. I've lost so many people to broken friendships in my life that I cannot lose these people. Atleast not some of them. I need to keep them cause they are my sanity. And yes I might find others to help me stay sane or something, but every person is different and will play a different role in my life... and I don't want to have to recast the people I currently have in some roles...

I make no sense sometimes. But thats what happens when I get scared and tired and upset and everything else. I just wish I could say this to someone. I don't want to thought because I'm scared (more fear!) that they will tell me that I'm make a bad decision. Or that they can't believe I would do that. Or even worse... they won't care. I just want someone to tell me everything will be fine. I am doing the right thing and I am making the correct decision and everything will work out and I'll finally be happy and I'll find my place and I'll succeed and I won't have these questions and I just will be able to be me and still have my friends and my schooling and everything. I want this to work out. Please god let it work out. Give me some sort of sign or message or something. I need it. Please.
I want to hang out with someone cause I feel like what we do as of late is not hanging out like we did once. Now its just work. Lets just have some fun.

I want to document everything happening from now on here I think. I can't forget these people or this school or the times I've had here. I need to keep the best track that I can...

Also I started watching season 2 of Queer As Folk. I know a lot of people do not like Michael as a character. They think he's stupid and clingy and annoying and all sorts of other unflattering descriptions.... but I relate to him. I don't know what that says about me. But in the first three episodes of the sceond season - I know what it is that he means. When he doesn't talk about him and David breaking up.. he was waiting for the right time. I know exactly what he means. Its like I was back when I got my badletter. I wouldn't talk about it. Initially I told about 3 people. It got around eventually but I couldn't tell people. The timing seemed off, and I didn't or couldn't admit defeat (or so it felt)...
And now its 5:17. I should probably go to bed at this point....

Oh yeah-
Come to the CAROUSEL!
Wednesday, March 28 - Saturday, March 31: 8 pm.
Sunday, April 1: 2:30 pm.
Dreyfuss Theater.
FDU Madison.

I promise it won't suck.
atleast I don't think it will

but will we remember it all?

i had a talk with rob today. I told him my news on Monday and it got an indifferent reception. But then he sent me an email saying he was happy for me and its fdu's loss, uart's gain.
So I sent him one back explaining some things. Plans, etc.
Then today during a break at rehearsal he called me over.
We had a real talk. He asked why I was transferring, why UArts over FDU. Why now? What would I change about FDU? What courses would I add? A bunch of those kind of questions. I explained everything to him. And just told him how I need a city atmosphere, and more music classes and more writing classes, and less of a rounded education- I don't need maths and sciences! I told him that he was the reason I chose the school in the first place, he didn't believe me. But I explained to him it was from when I had a theater discovery day, him and Rich really reached me and made me like what I saw in the school. He was telling me how much he likes Philadelphia. I knew he directed a show there last month- but it was at the Adrienne! I know that theater, I've been there. Its a cute little blackbox- very tiny. But it was nice and he was really nice and kind about everything. He asked me if I'd applied to uarts the year before so I told him yes, and it was for musical theater but i bombed my acting audition. He seemed almost surprised by that. It was nice. Like he has atleast a little faith in whatever ability I might have (even if casting doesn't reflect it) But it was nice. And necessary and I appreciated his talking to me a lot...


In other news- or connected news, the show is going fairly well.
Tech is on Sunday, then we have a costumed rehearsal, than costumes and makeup, and then we open on Wednesday. One week. (!) This could very well be my last show for a long time depending on how things go with my Into the Woods audition...

the weather is shit.
it ruined my plans for the day.
and probably for tomorrow.
and tomorrow is st pattys day and i'll end up sitting at home
getting all my shit together maybe drinking alone- probably not cause its not my style.
its really just a shame that no one was around for break at the same time as me.
very unfortunate- at least for me.


saw altar boyz last night with jess and mom. it was fun. cute. hot boys. singing. dancing.
an all around party.

Certain Tragedy.

And now I finally see that the further we go
we're only treading ground that we already know.
I could write you a song, send you a note,
or empty out your trash
and buy a bucket full of diamonds
but even the most beautiful of all roses
must someday crumble to dust and fade away.
It's a certain tragedy.

So it's on into the lonely nights and all the rest of it.
The empty space between me and the sunken walls
and feeling someone's hand around my neck
choking away the life that i have left.
And I can finally see that the further I go
I'm only treading ground that I don't wanna know.
I'll probably hang upside-down
from wooden rafters in my home
and look at old photos of you.
So it's on into the lonely nights and all the rest of it.
The empty space between me and the sunken walls
and feeling someone's hand around my neck
choking away the life that i have left.
I miss the warmth of the summer
when we were on our own,
but now it's winter and my bones are cold.

And now I finally see that the further we go
we're only treading ground that we already know.
I could write you a song, send you a note,
or empty out your trash and
buy a bucket full of diamonds but
even the most beautiful of all roses
must someday crumble to dust and fade away.
It's a certain tragedy.

sometimes life is just too predictable.
sometimes people are just too predictable.
i should've seen it coming,
i should've known better.
after everytimes its been said and nothings happened- you'd think i'd learn.

but i don't.
i have this eternal faith that it'll work out.
things won't fall through.
people will come through.


but they usually don't...

maybe the rest of this week will work out at some point in time.


i did manage to get some clothes at least. such as...

this - but in green




this type of top but not quite... and its belted with a green faux leather belt... different.
and a bunch of other pieces. <3

its officially official

i got a letter and everything.
next semester i won't be at fdu.
I will be a freshman transfer at the University of the Arts in Philadelphia.
Its surreal. I know its going to happen. I got the letter, the big envelope, even a scholarship -but its like I can't believe it.
Its the school I have wanted to go to since I was in 6th or 7th grade when I first heard about it. Maybe my plans have changed a bit, and the major has definitly changed in time, but still. Its the place.
And its the program I have really wanted- Theater. I might now be acting, but instead I'll be writing. I wanted to be a writer before I knew how to do anything else. And now I'll be focusing on playwriting. Its like life comes full circle.
I've told some people here that its completely official.
But not Rob. I don't know what to say, or how to.
I don't want him to think less of me cause I really respect him.
But I leave for Spring Break tomorrow so I guess that will give me time to figure it out- unless I see him and spill the beans, but I don't think he's really here on campus Fridays.
I just can't.. I still can't believe it.
I really am having a situation wrapping my head around the fact that I am getting what I want- what I've almost always wanted.
Its a feeling I'm really not used to at all...

Going home tomorrow is so welcome- I just want to see this letter, make it real to me.
Plus see a few people, do some shopping, maybe a little partying, and just have some fun and not worry about what work I have to do or what I have rehearsal for.

Its my life- through cartoon. For Reals.

queer as folk is cute. i couldnt get into it before but now i like it.
its fun. and funny. and filled with many hot guys- even if they are gay, on the show.

5 days left at school.
then homeward bound for springbreak.
thank god.
i want to go home. and go play in philly.
and see people- like colleen duncan, maybe?!
and jessica and nicholas and maybe even spanky.

and go shopping with miss nikki. and the zoo and the aquarium too apparently.
and get my official letter. and not pay for housing here for next year- cause i won't be here.
i'm goin somewhere else.

it is sad that it makes me smile this much?

ps theres a plague going around fdu. its crazy gross. makes people throw up and fever and all sorts of nasty stuff. and its really a norovirus, but a ton of people are getting it. we just had an emergency hall meeting to inform us of the fact that there will be cleaning supplies available for us so that we dont die. and that if anyone throws up that we should call PS because that person needs an IV immediately. and all sort of other information. blah blah blah.

i kinda wanna get it now cause that way i wont risk it for spring break. and also i just dont want to go to class at all.
ever.

hey, jealousy.

i'm jealous.
i want that social life.
i want things to do, places to go, people to see.
i'm so boring!

save me. from here. and from myself. and from boredom!
blahhhh.

you are my sweetest downfall

That itchy feeling you've been having from time to time lately is good old wanderlust. You need to travel out of your familiar territory and experience a new culture. Being uncomfortable in an airplane seat is a small price to pay for the rewards you will experience once you land. Start planning a long-distance journey today - and consider a foreign country. There are ways of making the trip fit into your budget.

obviously this means going to philly and part of south jersey i am unfamiliar with. its a night and day between here and there so its practically another country. and i have no money, so the whole budget thing will work out. its meant to be!


please don't mind all the things with the horoscopes lately. they've just seemed right for me. and i know the whole point is that they'll work no matter what cause people will choose to believe the horoscopes as they wish to see them but still.. sometimes they are just too perfect.

Apres moi

Your luck is changing today- which could be either good or bad. If you've recently felt as though the entire universe has been conspiring to give you delightful surprises, your well of good fortune is going to get a bit drier. But if you've felt as though nothing has been going your way, you're going to see a very nice change in direction. From finding twenty dollars in the laundry to getting that phone call you've been hoping for, things will definitely start looking up.


well if you've been reading this for the past month you know I haven't felt like the universe has been giving me delightful surprises... so maybe it will start to now.
This is it. February 28th. I have managed to put something in this journal on every calendar date of this month. As per my goal set on the first. Its so nice to know you accomplished something you set out to do, even if its something as frivolous as writing in a blog. I still feel like I did something, at least.

I still have no idea what it is thats going on with myself. A good friend of mine told me to talk to someone about it. And I trust her to tell me the right thing to do. But I don't know that I can go out and seek someone to talk to. Sometimes it just seems weird. Like inappropriate to talk about my issues. Like everybody has problems and mine aren't nearly as big as other peoples so why should I waste someones time when they could be helping someone who really needs it.

I have a Core 3 paper to turn in tomorrow. Its still not finished. But it should have been done on Monday. I suck at life. Whatever. It just wasn't working out. There are those moments when you try so hard to accomplish something and its just not coming together- this whole weekend was one long extended moment for me. Nothing worked out for work. Oh well.

Yesterday I finally sang "I'm Going Back" in Allen's class. It actually worked out fairly well, which surprised me. I thought it would suck hardcore. But everyone pretty much liked it. There were a few off notes but Allen actually said I "sang the shit out of it" which is a good thing. I love when hard work pays off. Cause I did work really hard on that song. It took forever to even get the characterization I gave it yesterday and then it was general cause there is no good synopsis of "Bells Are Ringing." I might get a book with the whole indepth look at it so I can then get even deeper into the song and keep it in my book cause I really like where it sits and how it sounds. Its got a very classic Broadway Belter sound to it, which is what I was really missing from my book. So yay for that.

Rehearsal tonight. I can already tell you it will probably suck for me cause I have a pounding headache (literally pounding, as in I slammed my head into the wall by accident and this headache is whats left over from that) Maybe it will go away eventually. That would certainly be welcome.

I don't know what else to say.
I think I might keep up with this every day thing, or atleast fairly often. I like it.
It gives me something to look at later so I can go "oh thats what I did with my days and my youth and my life" Or something to that effect.
<3

"lol i died i even may have tinkled in my panties"

nikki venuto- conversations with you seriously make my life.

that is all.

Jessica Darling and I

"I never look forward to anything... Because whenever I look forward to anything, it ends up sucking. The buildup inevitably leads to a let down. It's safer to lowball my way through life."

have truer words been spoken?

I'm praying for snow right now.
Or at least more snow than we are currently getting.
I don't want to have class tomorrow.
I don't want to finish my paper that I'm currently writing "Religion In Post-Mao China: Open or Oppressing?"
It's boring me.
Right now I'd prefer to curl up in a ball and read Second Helpings.
Last night I finished rereading Sloppy Firsts.
I just want to continue in the whole story- all three books.
I relate to Jessica Darling way too well.
I swear Megan McCafferty somehow pushed her way into my head.
Or something like that.
But its good. Hopefully I can find my own Marcus Flutie to challenge me the way he does Jessica.
Even if things don't work out perfectly there, for them. Theres still what there was. And what may be- since there is going to be a fourth book.
I would just love to have that kind of connection with someone.
Theres times when I start to think I feel something like that... but then its gone in a matter of moments or sometimes days.
Its dissapointing.
But maybe its just not my time yet.
Maybe I need to wait it out... maybe then I'll find what I need.
Or who I need.
Although it would be really nice to find that someone right now, whoever he is.



So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

guess whos not in the ballet for carousel.

oh yeah me.
i think its hilarious. i have how many years of training and i don't get to do any dancing at all in thise whole show really. lots of bobbing up and down.
some spinning and an alamande.

it just kills me cause i know i can dance.
and because of the way i look she assumes i can't.
she has no idea of my skill level and its not like i can make it known.
so i'm stuck being part of the "hey you suck" group.
when i know i don't.
maybe i should be satisfied in the knowledge that i myself know that i don't suck
but thats not enough.
i just want some recognition.
this is probably my last show at fdu.
i want to be able to do something.
remember something from here.


maybe thats asking for too much.

its in your eyes george

good and long day.
but its okay.
cause i have a quesedilla waiting for me in the fridge right now.
and i am so excited for that right now.
cause i am that pathetic.

but whatever.
right now i'm thinking that i will just curl up in a ball with my quesedilla and my copy of sloppy firsts and pass out. tomorrow will be filled with work of the home kind.
ickk.

i just really feel like giving up sometimes.
but i know i can't
theres a light at the end of the tunnel usually.
i talked to allen today.
he said he'd be sad if i was gone.
he's be happy for them for gaining me, and for me cause i'll do well.
but sad for himself and the school for loosing me.
i love himmm.

rumor has it my interview went well..
lets hope ::crosses fingers::

George is afraid.
George sees the park.
George sees it dying.
George too may fade,
Leaving no mark,
Just passing through.
Just like the people
Out strolling on Sunday...

George looks around.
George is alone.
No use denying
George is aground.
George has outgrown
What he can do.
George would have liked to see
People out strolling on Sunday...

Should I be hurt?

cause i'm not. maybe thats cause i have no heart. or maybe its because i have one but its cold. or maybe because i dont care about it. i'm apathetic. lifes just easier that way for somethings.

as puja said, "blogs are evil.you should vent to microsoft word and leave it there."

i dont agree. but the thing is people don't get the full story.
you don't understand whats behind the thought.

i might say i'm growing up and changing, but thats doesnt mean apart. or away.

i'm not happy here. but its in this environment. its in this place where i feel like i'm disconnected from the rest of the world. i need to be in a place with a heartbeart. a pulse. a city.
this place, this school, gives me headaches. and backaches. and neckaches. and heartaches.
maybe i'm being over dramatic but i dont think so. i just feel the way i do.

I haven't talked to anyone in person about UArts because it hurts too much. I know I should let it out there but I can't yet. And maybe thats unhealthy, but right now its what I need to do. Plus there are other prospects and possibilities for me out there. I know that the next semester I will not be on this campus. I maybe still be enrolled in this school but I will not be here. I will be in Wroxton. And if I really have my way I'll be in Philadelphia. Please God, let me be in Philadelphia.


Its not that I don't love the people here. Because I do with all my heart.
You might not think so but I do. And I might not show it, but thats because i have issues showing emotion.
And maybe I expect too much. Or ask too much. Or think too highly of myself sometimes.
But thats because normally I think I suck. And that I don't deserve things.
I'm screwed up. I know it.
I probably need therapy.
I probably have some weird deep seeded issues from childhood that didn't start to manifest itself until recently.
Greg and I were talking about the last time we were truely 100% happy, with nothing causing any problems. I said June 2005. Thats the last time I could think of being almost carefree. And honestly thats not even right cause there was all the stress following senior week. But it really was a great time, with great people. And I miss that. I miss that summer in general. But that was my answer. And I think that provides a big hint as to life here and what its been like for me. I might have had a good time once in awhile, or maybe even consistently but there was always something missing too. And it was me. I don't know who I am here. I barely know who I am in general. And I want to find out. And I've tried and tried but it just hasn't worked out here. And I think its because this is not the place I am meant to be. I should be somewhere else in the world.
Maybe if I find somewhere new- I'll find someone new- like the real me.
WHoever that is...

wow this wasn't really planned.

i'd appreciate it if you'd keep my name out of your mouth.
thank you.

you have no idea what it is thats going on in my head and my heart.
and i'd prefer to keep it that way.
there are some things that need to be worked out on my own.
this is one of them.
i need to find my own way, on my own terms, in my own time.

nothing you say or try to do is going to change that.
i am who i am.
i don't need to be fixed or changed or anything.
this is me.
these are my thoughts.
and my opinions.
no one is forcing them down your throat.
your taking them on your own.


in other news i already have a lot more done on my play. i'm just waiting for the okay from frank warren. i hope he grants me permission. if not then I guess I can change everything. It won't stop postsecret from having been the inspiration. i have four monolouges finished already. from different presepctives. one is a gay priest. one is a man who just had his marriage proposal refused. one is a girl who wants to learn to wink so badly because of what it could do for her social life (at least in her mind). and one is a woman married to a man whos been crippled.
i like where i'm going with these.
i hope they work out.

and allen gave me a new song today- Somewhere Thats Green!!!!
little shop of horrors.
one of the shows nearest and dearest to my heart.
it makes me happy <3

people smell. for reals.
but i'm writing another play. screw the one person one act that was really about me. it was bad.
instead i'm writing (hopefully with frank warren's permission) a collection of monologues based on secrets that have been mailed to postsecret. its an interesting prospect to me right now. i hope i can follow through. i have a tendancy of starting these things and then letting them fall off. i really like this idea so i'd like to actually complete it. i have half of the first monologue done so far. its based on the secret that said "Somedays, it feels more like a noose!!!" with a man wearing a priests collar.
i think its interesting.

What makes me so bullet proof?
What makes me act so removed?


i should be writing a core paper. its not due til next week but i have no idea what i'm doing with it so i really should work on it. instead i'm listening to alexz johnson on repeat and writing a one person play thats actually me. the character is named jane at the moment but its me. its pure me.
at the moment theres about 4 pages. not alot, but its all her so it really is a lot of dialogue. its funny cause whenever i write the character turns into me. i guess its because i know me better then i know anything else and you write what you know. maybe i'm just a lazy writer... i dunno. but i like where its going so far. better then the one i wrote for playwriting and dramatic structure. i never really liked that play, i just did it cause i had to for course credits... but this is of my own volition. last night i just got an idea and started running with it. and here i am.

i have this headache that won't go away. its been around for a few days now/ and no matter how much sleep i get or how many tears i cry or shower i get or anything it won't stop. its not horrible but its just a constant dull ache in my head. that type that just gets on ones nerves. its annoying.



My skin doesn't fit
My words seem so hollow
I feel like a fraud
And that's a bitter pill to swallow

Sometimes it hits me right between the eyes
Everyone can see through my disguise

Who am I fooling
I'm just a smiling face
In a make-believe world
Who am I fooling
I'm just a wannabe
So easy to replace
Pretending I'm a perfect girl

All alone in the mirror
All alone on the shelf
I'm trying to hold on
To a little piece of myself

Doesn't anybody realize
Even I don't buy my own disguise

Sagittarius

Things have calmed downa bit in your life, so today is a very good time to start thinking about new places you want to go and new things you want to do. Look to the people you greatly admire for guidance, and they will inspire you. If you start to feel drawn to humanitarian activities, go with it! To keep yourself happy and engaged with life, you have to keep expanding your horizons. Step out of your predictable world and discover new beginnings.

that man was right.
i don't have what it takes to be a music major/
i thought it had gone so well.
apparently they didnt agree.
if you couldn't tell my heart was just ripped out of my chest and i didn't get in.
i'm literally sobbing right now after jess told me on the phone to please not cry.
i cry at the drop of a hat, of course i'll cry at this decision that effects my entire life.
it kills me. i just wanted it so badly.
and nothing,
i thought that 2007 was going to be so muhc better, but its not,
its continuing in the shit on caitlin fashion that 2006 took up.
apparently its the new initiation for years. if you can ruin caitlins life your awesome.
i wanted it. i really really wanted it.
and apparently anytihng i want- i can't get.
jess suggested that i go and drink copious amounts to make this okay tonight.
i did that last year. it didn't work well. and plus who would i do that with?
i don't want to drink with certain people.
i hate drinking with them most of the time cause it makes me realize further what it is thats feeding this anger and depression and all around "bah"ness that i'm feeling all the time.
usually all i want to do is sleep. and right now all i want to do is cry and then sleep for about 20 years.
then i'll wake up. be 40. have no life goals or aspirations and nothing can hurt me then. i can jsut be this weird spinster lady with her cats or something and i dont have to worry about getting my heart broken again.
and i just want to not be in north jersey.
i need to be in a city. i wanted philadelphia.
but i wanted it for music.
i dont know tha ti can apply to another school. for polisci or music or anything.
it just hurts too much to not get in.
i've done this whole rejection thing far too many times.
and i dont know that i want to anymore.
i know i dont want to be here.
but i dont want to be rejected from anywhere else anymore.
i can't do it.

i keep wanting to cry.
and shoot myself and others in the face.
i think i know the reason everything has been annoying me.
i'm growing up.
like i've been noticing the past few days... i'm almost too mature.
i know that i am not the most grown up person ever.
but i feel like i cna act more mature when necessary. i still know how to be young and be an asshole and stuff but i feel like i'm growing up and getting older and smarter about my choices and making concious decisions about my life... while certain other people are just being... not.

its so strange but it just clicked.
i was on a website for a book and at the bottom it said "children and teens"
i dont fit into those categories anymore.
i am an adult. definitly not a teenager.
i know i've been 20 for over 2 months now but it just sort of clicked.
i am twenty years old.
i am not part of the "youth" section of the book store, unless i choose to go there which is likely since i still like some of those books cause i'm hopelessly pathetic and cheesy but still... i don't really fit in there.
i am twenty.


how strange.

my funny valentine...

there were no classes today.
it really made no difference to me.
i never have classes on wednesdays.
everyone was celebrating their lack of classes- but i didnt see the point since i was going to have work to do no matter what.
i have a schedule i follow on wednesdays. sleep late cause i'm always exhausted and then do work all day to catch up for my classes for the next two days.whatever...

i'm watching this show and its about scientifically matching people- like this whole process and experiment in looks, personalities, and first impressions and all sorts of things. its very interesting. its proving that looks are a big thing. waist to hip ratio (which is a sign of fertility) for men chosing women, and height for women choosing men. the two tallest men, who were both atleast 6 feet tall, got 30 different dating offers. its just very... i dunno.... but its proved that scientific dating is not right around the corner. theres too many variables and idiosyncracies for peoples childhoods that play into this. but yeah...

anyways i should ge tback to my work cause i'm still not finished my notes on civil rights for poli sci.
<3g'night.

the kindest words i'll ever know are waiting to be said...

all i want to do right now is sleep.
i am finished rehearsal right now.
we actually finished about an hour early.
then nicole and i went to the grill.
and now i'm here.

and Cinderella starring Brandy is on. Thats quality.
Who knew Whoopie Goldberg and Victor Garger could have an asian son?
that takes some talent on all sides.
And then theeres Whitney Houston before she went hardcore crackwhore.
I personally prefer Leslie AnneWarren andGinger Rogers and Celest Holm and the rest from the 60s tvmoviecast. But whatever.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. Ugh.
I really have nothign against the Saint Valentine. Go him for breaking the law and marrying young couples who were in love. Like really its cool that he got killed doing something he believed in and whatnot. But the commercial piece of crap that the day has turned into kills me. Its just a stupid celebration of "love" that is really about most couples having sex or something. Why do you think November is the height of baby season? Whateverrrr.
But really it feels like the day has changed in spirit from what it was originally intended to be- now it seems more like a shit on singles day. and since i have been single every valentines day of my life... well you get the picture.
tomorrow will add to that of course. and i'll wanna shoot myself. or go to sleep.
probably the latter since thats all i ever want to do. for serious all i want to do anymore is sleep. every moment. last night i fell asleep at 11. i woke up this morning at 8:30 for class. thats still 9 and a half hours. last week i slept for 12 hours one night 10 another. today between classes and rehearsal i napped and now i am going to have some dinner and pass out again probably.
i told nicole i have mono or something and to please not hit me in the spleen or else i'll die. i know its not a good thing to joke about but with the amount of time i am sleeping it seems like the only answer!

the asian prince is searching for cinderella to fit the shoe to her foot. and bernadette peters is lying about brandy being hidden in the kitchen. tsk tsk.

and now everythings happy and it all works out.
why cant life be a rodgers and hammerstein musical where everything works out for the best if you are the good intentioned one? sure the evil people get screwed over but if you're good things might work out (unless its carousel. if you're good there your husband will kill himself and then comeback and hit your daughter out of "love")
life would be so much easier if it worked out like a musical.



btw- i would totally make out with you like right now.

hold on to the light that guides you...

I don't know what it is that i'm trying to do. It's like I'm floundering but swimming at the same time. I'm lazy but I want to get my work done. I avoid working, but I feel badly about not doing it. I want to see someone, but I'm scared to at the same time. Whatever. I'm a weirdo- but at least I know it, I guess.

I started writing this awhile ago and then forgot about it. I just started to fall asleep but I cant for atleast 15 more minutes, CSI Miami needs to end first.
I don't know why I just got so tired. Its like everything is catching up with me. All the nights of not sleeping and the days of early classes...

ohemgee! sorry- thats in reaction to csi.

waste of paint

So now I hang out down by the train's depot.
No, I don’t ride, I just sit and watch the people there.
They remind me of wind-up cars in motion.
They way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I wanna scream out that it all is nonsense.
Their life’s one track and can’t they see it’s pointless?
But just then my knees give under me.
My head feels weak and suddenly.
It’s clear to see, it’s not them, but me,
Who’s lost my self-identity.
And I hide behind these books I read,
While scribbling my poetry .
Like art could save a wretch like me.
With some ideal ideology,
That no one could hope to achieve.
And I'm never real, it's just a sketch of me.
And everything I’ve made is trite and cheap and a waste,
Of paint,
Of tape,
Of time.

So I park my car down by the cathedral.
Where the floodlights point up at the steeples.
Choir practice is filling up with people.
I hear the sound escaping as an echo.
Sloping off the ceiling at an angle.
When the voices blend they sound like angels.
I hope there’s some room still in the middle.
But when lift my voice up now to reach them,
The range is too high way up in heaven.
So I hold my tongue, forget the song ,
Tie my shoes, start walking off.
And try to just keep moving on,
With my broken heart and my absent god
And I have no faith but it’s all I want,
To be loved,
And believe,
In my soul, in my soul.

i should be doing homework right now. nice and ready for a polisci quiz tomorrow.
but i'm not at all. i have no idea what i'm doing or what i should be taking notes on or anytthing.
i started to highlight the book and then realized thats just stupid.
highlighting does nothing to help you remember.
i think i'm just going to fake my way through it and hope that theres no quiz tomorrow.
and if theres is hope that its the one i do the worst on - cause the one grade gets dropped.
i am back at fdu.
its fine.
its quiet.
i did all my dishes and put everything away.
my room looks so full.
i feel empty.

i want to talk to a specific person right now.
lets see if we can make that happen.

screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.

plans fell through.
whos surprised?
not me- unfortunately.
i really shouldn't be so used to dissapointment.
and yet i am. oh well... i guess.
but at least i'm home...i like being home more then other places... which is kind of sad since i'm twenty years old and this should be the time that i want to flee the nest and get as much world experience as possible... and the truth is i do- just not in the place that i spend all of my time... meaning madison or florham park. whatever you want to consider it cause the campus is titled both.
i'm watching match point right now. its quite good.
and i finally remembered the name of the store i fell in love with in england- topshop. the clothing was just what i want- its like what h&m will have eventually... but not quite yet.


i want to take a field trip to somewhere. i just dont know where...

but hows my new picture?

so go ahead and lose yourself in liquor

home!!!!
back in south jersey.
its weirdly a tiny bit warmer here i swear. or maybe its just that i'm a little bit more happy to be out of madison. but whatever. i'm here and home and trying to get warm- its not really working yet.

i havent even been upstairs to my room yet to see what kind of state thats in. i'm kind of scared to.
but anyways home for the weekend. back at sometime on sunday.
hopefully seeing and hanging out with miss nikki or colleen or both tomorrow. that's be awesome.

i don't know what it is that i'm doing... but i think i might just continue on with it. who knows where it'll take me- or us - or anything.

and furthermore i want an answer now. a big envelope with my name on it. and a triangle. and four pillars. and a philadelphia address... and a big fat bunch of papers addressing how i will be attending a new school come fall.
i really wouldn't be adverse to staying at fdu for one more semester to go to wroxton- but after that i won't have anything else i can do. i'll be stuck at fdu for the rest of my college career. i dont want that...

also i saw this thing on the news about "The New Church." It has existed for hundreds and hundreds of years, but its kept to a very small group in certain areas. But it is valid- Abraham Lincoln was a member of it. I just thought the idea behind it was very interesting. As the article said... "Their belief is that Heaven is very much like life, only better and at the core of the after life is marriage. The teachings are that everyone in Heaven is married. If you truely love each other you can be married forever. However, the belief is if you are single on Earth you will be paired with your true love in Heaven. If you do attend, you'll also notice the absence of crosses. While they believe Jesus died on the cross, they don't believe it as to atone for the sins of the world. "Rather he came to liberate us and to give his life in the same sense that a solider gives his life for his country..."

I just thought it was really cool...


also whos this anonymous person with the comments.... just let me know.

(rumor has it tomorrow will be warmer, like above freezing for the first time in a week or so. i'm excited.)

do you take plight on my tounge like lead? do you fall gracefully into bed anymore?

i miss listening to lisa loeb.

anyways practice was music-tastic.
i think i might be returning to south jersey this weekend.
anyone wanna play?

i don't know what it is i'm doing here.
i picked up a wroxton application incase i am here next year. they said i should get it back to them in the next week and a half to assure myself a spot. thats such a short amount of time. i just want to know about philadelphia before i commit to something in another country that i will then be forced to back out of. i dont want to start by taking the place of someone who knows they definitly want to go.
maybe if i go home this weekend i'll get a little letter.
maybe god wants me to be there when i get it this time.
so i can see it. feel it. read it.
know whether its a yes or a no.
although if this is the work of god i'd prefer to think it would be a yes cause if god was making me wait to be there to read the letter it would just be cruel to have it reject me. right?
and i don't want to think of god as being so cruel.

i really just want this to work out. really badly.
whoever said "philly wants you too" - i love you
and whoever said "philly is frilly" - i love you too

but who did it?!

i want a lover i don't have to love i want a boy so drunk he doesnt talk

listening to bright eyes again <3
emo returns.

anyways. walking across campus last night on the way back from rehearsal i left a little bit after most so iw as walking by myself. I looked around at everything. The ground with snow still on it. The biting cold. The beautiful architecture of the mansion. The rock. The field. The library. The deer. I just took it all in. It really is a beautiful place. And I do appreciate the beauty of it all. But I don't know that its what I need. I can understand people like Amy who want suburbia and quiet and calm but I don't think I'm one of them. I need action and movement and a city where there is life breathing all the time. It really hit me a few days ago. I walked out of my building to make the 7 minute walk to Dreyfuss for rehearsal and everything was still. There were a few other people walking around but there was barely any sound. I need sound. I need noise. I need life around me, not just in myself. Not to say that there is no life in or around in suburbia but I feel like its just too quiet for me. I need to get out of this damn bubble!

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

This whole waiting for an answer thing is killing me. By this time last year I had already known for 2 and a half weeks. I just want an answer so I can really plan on living in Philly next year. I really want to be in Philly. Manhattan would be wonderful but its out of the question. Far too expensive. But Philly isn't as bad- and its closer to home. And to friends. And to life. To everything. Philadelphia. I need it. <3

sit with my frozen smile, all the while reluctant to trust what i'm told

then again... maybe yes. :)

anyways i've come to the conclusion that classes are stupid and really not necessary to the whole college experience.who needs to learn- honestly?

i'm just over it at this point, which doenst bode well for the third week of classes. theres still 12 more weeks after this one. but only 12 and then i have a whole summer away from this place- at least. maybe more if things work out for me the way i need them too.

put it in the circle...




this could make me happy maybe?
you know?
fingers crossed.

Dear Ginsberg.

Dear Ginsberg,

I wrote a letter to Ginsberg and
sent it to the sky,
through my eyes and to the
nearset stars and with pupils,
opened wide, i cried and cried,
unashamed, uninhibited. the
angels read aloud to Ginsberg
sitting in some heavenness sky.

I proclaim
oh Ginsberg you made me weep
and weep the teary-est tears
for all my years, although
only twenty, I aged with you
and sat in my skin
rocking and creaking
like nana's old rocking chair.

And a soft chuckle,
short gasps of breath
that otherwise would have
been the screams of
beauty like some lonely
streetlight that begs
to be stood under,
orange skinned
and orange tinged...

And to here you sacrifice
yourself time and time again
and splattered`your bloody
ink and your invisible
soul to me and to others
and i wiped my eyes once
again..

I proclaim oh Ginsberg,
You made me wish for a soft body,
and soft hair,
naked touches,
and the power of the nail
that scratches and marks
the skin and be handled
and and and and,
for the cool soft sweat
and shivers under the covers...

You made me want to
jump off balconies and
out of windows testing the limits
of constructed worlds
and falsehoods that look
like movie sets,
and find the rubber airbags
to catch me,
and say ha! I knew it!

Ginsberg,
I apologize for stealing
your style,
I promise I'm not
making a dime...

Ginsberg,
how am I supposed to
write what you have already
wrote? How will I see
everything anew,
and fresh,
will they come to me?
Or will I have to dig
under the graves of dead
plants,dead water
to see a reflection,
a simile,
a verse?

No wait,
Ginsberg,
don’t tell,
don’t kiss,
don’t, kiss and tell,
stay silent,
I don’t want to know,
I want to know,
but I want to know…
I’ll know
when I see it,
when I feel it,
when I smell it,
and when I do, I’ll weep
for me,
weep for you,
weep for the world
weep for everything imaginable,
weep for dusty roads,
and highways,
weep for new clouds,
and new adventures,
weep for weep,
weep for weep’s sake,
for this I will sleep and wake.

Dear Ginsberg, thank you.

but i guess thats not happening...

So. I've been thinking about it. I would not be adverse to some things.
I really should be less cryptic, else someone assume they actually know what I'm tlaking about and be completely wrong but too bad- thats not how I do.

I had this dream last night and it was knida nice and it would be really okay if it was one of those deja vu type moments where something happens in a dream first and then in real life...

really that would be okay.



ps. i think your kind of cute too.

i am no saint.

Well here I am. Back from the city . It was a painfully cold day. But it was cool...

I miss hanging out with Danielle so I take whatever chance I can to do so.. and today was worth it. It ended up being me and her wandering around the city a bunch. We went to lunch and then met with Matt and went all over the place. It was just nice... and kinda fun too, I thought.
I got these ridiculously oversized sunglasses- Nicole Richie style. I love them! But yeah it was a good day I think...


I'm so tired and cold at this point from walking around everywhere and just from the freezing weather. I'm curled in a ball right now with 2 layers of clothing on and two blankets and I'm still not warm enough. Oh well.


I don't know what to say here. I know what I want to come out but I don't know how to say this... because i almost don't want everyone to understand it. Ask me and maybe I'll explain it later.. but right now its for me and the fwe people I tell but...


I would be willing to. I want to at this point. Maybe not right here, right now but sometime soon. In the next year? I just want it to be over with. Stop the build up. But theres certain people who you meet and right away you could see something with them. And it would be so cool if that kind of thing could work out. Amazing, even. I would love to have the kind of luck where it wasn't all "by chance" but close to it. Where everything just came down to the day you chose to go somewhere or the night you decided to show up. It would be cool. But yeah... I want to see a person again. And soon.... just to see what might happen..

i lied. probably city today- in a few hours.
i'm so excited- jessi spano style.


is it weird that i really want to talk to this kid?
and i barely know him....

oh whatev.
this post is only cause i know i'll forget during the day or something so its happening now... at almost 3:30.
theres some crazy post-apocalyptic world/china (maybe?) movie on hob and it makes no sense and the government has a sovereign monarchy and theres this crazy good fighter princess and a soldier guys actually named "warchild" and the acting is so wooden- but i just cant turn it off... its so bad it deserves to be watched.

vittles = food. . . who knew?

carousel- no rehearsal yesterday was so necessary, it gave me time to sleep. not that i really did- but if i had allowed myself to i would've been able too. instead i did homework and just kinda layed around not moving.. but still.


i had been planning on going to the city tomorrow but theres a crazy amount of snow coming down right now so maybe not... :( that dissapoints me, but whatever i guess. maybe another weekend- or a wednesday if i dont have rehearsal.

anywaysssss ...


"We're all terrified, but let's just live anyway."-Raul Esparza

I need you to save me too.

New Challenge- write every day in February.
Today being the first I'm actually starting on time.
I make no promises about the fullness of these posts or that rationality behind them.They may just be quotes or a few sentences jotted down, or they may be long diatribes that you don't want to read cause I'll get all ranty and whatnot. Its your choice. But I am going to try my hardest to write every day. If the site goes down- well then sucks to be me- but whatever.

So to start- i think I'm dying. I have this cold and its killing me- for reals. Theres this cough that kind of makes my whole body shake, I can't contain it. And the burning sore throat- and ther was a fever but that went down, and then theres the coughing so strongly I can't keep anything in my stomach- thats a fun one. Thats what my life has been the past three days now. I just want to get better. I want to sing tomorrow. I want to sing and dance and so on and so forth. But I don't think I will. And it kills me cause I have to sing for Musical Theater tomorrow- "Taking a Chane On Love" I didn't sing it Tuesday cause I was sick and the plan was I would go Friday. But I'm still not better yet! Maybe by tomorrow.... perhaps Grey's will have a magical soothing effect on me, McDreamy and whatnot.

But there is one good thing about tomorrow- No Weather and Climate! Woohoo! And also I don't have rehearsal tonight, a night off! Oh yeah, I got into Carousel, by the way. Only Ensemble but some people didnt get in at all so its mostly okay. Though a part would have been really nice.
But anyways cast list went up Monday morning. First rehearsal was Monday night. Nothing like wasting no time at all. We've alreayd have three rehearsals and one dance is practically finished being choreographed in a bare bones kind of way. Theres still a lot to be done with cleaning and certain spots but the outline is definitely there. Now its just a matter of shading. (to get all artisticly termed on ya)

If I feel like not shit on Saturday I believe it is time for a trip to the city I love so dearly. I haven't been there since November- I'm starting to feel cut off from Manhattan, which is just not allowed. So yeah I believe Saturday will be a trip day, and I may try to drag Nicole with me. And maybe see some Matt Ellis I hope....

Anyways I think I want to lie down and maybe get a bit of sleep since last night I really didn't get any. As soon as I'd start to doze I'd cough myself awake. I ended up staying up until about 7 am, finally falling asleep and then waking up with my alarm at 10. So not cool.

So yeah... I will write later- like tomorrow's date. Since I will keep up with this whole thing.

PS: Its snowing!

Carpe Diem.

Seize the Day.
I never do.
I wish I would become more accustomed to seizing the moment but I seem to have this tendency to let things just pass by me. How am I going to live my life when I keep allowing it to escape me. I need to change the way I live. I need to grasp the moment. I need to start living like a real person. Not like some scared little girl. I'm not a little girl. I am twenty years old. But in my experiences I am a mere child. I have barely done anything in my life. I'm not nearly adventurous enough.
I want to change that. Maybe next time an opportunity like that presents itself I won't back up. I'll do what I want to do rather than what I think I should do... Maybe.

Anyways. The audtions.

UArts actually went fairly well I believe. I felt kind of good about it. My sight reading was pathetic but I did try really hard. I feel pretty good about my singing. Only time will give me an answer... hopefully the right answer. You know what the right answer is. I want to be in Philadelphia. I need to. I'm even looking at other schools there in case it doesn't work out. But I am hoping it does. It would be quite nice. It would be more then quite nice. It would be amazing and wonderful and everything I want. But I can't put all my eggs in that basket. I have to have other options and ideas...

This past week there were auditions for the shows being put up this semester. I only auditioned for Carousel, not Dead Man Walking (I just didnt think I was appropriate for anything there). But I went in and sang my songs like I've been preparing them for ages- which I have. And I think it worked out pretty well. It was good enough that I had a callback. I was made to sing again. They had me sing for Nettie "You'll Never Walk Alone" which I did not really know. But I made it work. Allen said he knew I could do it and wanted to make sure I had that high G toward the end. Which I did, it was a little weak but I was sick so I did what I could and he understood. But they didn't make anyone else sing for her at all. And they had no one at all read for her. So maybe... I dunno. It would be nice. And it would definitly fix this whole confidence issue I have going on for the past year.

Last night Danielle and I went down to my end of Jersey- South Jersey. We went to Rowan to see Nikki and party some. It was fun. It was certainly an adventure. I took Danielle to a Wawa. And not just any Wawa- but the Wawa right off 541 in Mt. Holly. We had been on the turnpike and it just seemed like the thing to do! But it was an interesting night. Most of it spent in the bathroom with Nikki making sure she didn't die. But it was worth it to get to hang out with her and Dani. I miss them both. I don't see either of them nearly enough. I wish there was some way we could hang out that didn't require a two hour drive on either end. Because, oh yeah, the drive to Rowan was two hours long. But it was worth it.

And it was last night that makes me wish I took advantage of situations that presented themselves to me. And also that I would learn to keep my mouth shut and not give people attitude when they start saying things to me. I just had to bring out the whole "You don't even know me. Who are you to question my actions?" type response, when it wasn't even necessary. Oh well. Maybe It'll be forgotten.

Today was spent doing homework- after sleeping many hours since we got home at about 7 this morning. I've checked my email about four billion times. Hoping that maybe... just maybe they would email the casting. They didn't.

Oh well.. wait till tomorrow then.


And note to self- keep on trying. Don't give up. And also - Carpe Diem.

Just do it.

well i had a lesson today to go over my music with someone who know what hes doing.

he's was honest.

he doubts i'll make it in.


i don't have enough training to get training- does that make any sense?
he thinks all they'll hear is a pretty voice but raw, and not recognize the potential within it or within me. they'll just hear it go "aww how pretty. next"

and then he told me my songs were too musical theater.
he gave me an english whatever song.
its difficult.
and i need to learn it by saturday and learn it well and not suck at it.
and its going to kill me.
and i know he was jsut being honest and preparing me for this to not work out but it hurts all the same. and it seems so cruel to crush someone like that- but he probably thought he was doing me good but still...


i just want this so bad and to hear that i don't have the right training to get in to this school it kills me.

all i want to do is sing.
thats it. for the rest of my life even.
and he's telling me that even though i sound pretty its not enough. i'm not enough.

it hurts and i just don't know what i'll do.i'm going to end up stuck in north jersey for the rest of my life.
killing myself with questions about my acting ability- or just dropping the acting and staying at fdu as a polisci major and killing myself with boredom and an "okay" program.

this is my future pretty much.

he said "give it your best shot"

he still didn't think that with my best shot i could even do it.
he really just thought i was a random girl who could mostly sing, woke up one dya and sai d"i want to be a music major."
well that snot it. i want to sing more than anything ever. its the only thing i love.
and right now i don't even love it. i just want to curl in a ball and cry- instead i'm sitting here crying but whatever.
i know the truth hurts but still... this is ridiculous.

this got ranty

January 14. It is a Sunday, it's today. I have a week- one week, actually six days, to firm up my songs, get my Italian pronunciation spot on, work on site reading, and just to be ready. I need this to work. I dont just want this to go well and work out - I need it. I'm suffocating in North Jersey. Its like I'm not growing there at all. I life all experiences are supposed to force you to grow and change as a person. But rather than growing I feel like I'm shrinking, faltering... failing. There's nothing of interest happening, or so it feels. I'm floundering there. And I want to and need to grow and flourish. I feel like a change of this size could do so much for me. I've tried positive thinking and action but it hasn't worked. I've tried making the best of a bad situation but this "best" just isn't good enough. I need, want and deserve better. I try so hard and I feel like I get nothing. I need for this to be a fruitful attempt, I need to finally succeed. I'm scared that if this doesn't work out I'll completely dissapear. I will curl up into a ball- into myself. I won't try anymroe cause I can't take anymroe failure. It feels like everything I do I never get a positive result. I've jsut gotten to be so good at being passable. Not good, but not painfully bad. Just...whatever. And I don't know that I can do that anymore. I want to be recognized for being good at something. And I feel like singing is the only this I cna do well enough. Its the only thing I would be completely happy and confident with doing for the rest of my life. If I get into this program they'll give me the requisite training to be a real singer for my life and career. They can see the talent and potential people have. And if they don't see that in me I don't know what I'll do. I might lose what little faith I have in myself andgive up completely. That would be the point where I become a political science major- Completely.
This is ranty and all over the place but its true. I need this. I want this. I want this more than I wanted to go to Baldwin Wallace- the first college to break my heart into very small pieces.
I need to change schools, states, majors. I need to be a music major at UArts. I need to not fail completely. I need to be successful in one venture-finally. Because at this point in my life, twenty years in, it feels like I really haven't.

I want the triangle with four pillars.

I don't know what it is that I'm doing here. Why am I even thinking about this.
And this person. Its just... insane and not right... like just- no.

I'm an idiot. Please, just ignore this.



Top Chef is the shit.
Nikki should IM Ronnie.
I'm jealous of Bernie and his seeing Company.
I want it to snow very badly and I want some popcorn right now.

And thats about it.

PS: I'm really scare dof what this new year will bring me. I don't know if 2007 will be better than 2006, but I hope so. Theres was so much bad in '06. I need '07 to be better. And hopefully since 7 is one of my favorite numbers it will be.
<3

its been ages...

I haven't written in a month. I'm sorry-I've been busy! But in all seriousness with the end of the semester followed by Christmas and then going to England then the past few days I've just had no time. So end of the semester- finals killed me a little bit but I managed. I have about a 3.6 GPA right now and thats with one grade missing cause it STILL hasn't been submitted. But thats okay cause I don't think its one that'll hurt me no matter what I get, cause I really don't think my grade can be that bad. Anyways... Christmas was busy- tumultuous. But we managed. The house was nice and clean and everyone seemed to have a good time, while in the back of my head I kept screaming I'M GOING TO ENGLAND TOMORROW! But it was still fun.

The next day Jess, Mom and I went to the bank and CVS really early thinking we would get all of that done before the Boyle's showed up at our house. Of course When we're still supposed to have an hour before they come I get a text from Tim saying "It's funny cause we're at your house and you're not. " They got the times mixed up and showed up at 10 instead of 11. So we ran back to the house and had a nice time. I love Sarah. She is my happiness, for real. She's just adorable and so lovable and cute. I want to keep her! (Except not really) But anyways that went on and we had brunch and family time and fun and then eventually they all left and me and jessica packed in a hurry because of course we were not. But we managed. Then we went to the airport.

I've never been on a plane for longer than a flight to Florida. So flying to London was kind of long compared to that. But I managed. British Airways was really nice. But yeah we got to London and it was about 7 in the morning. So we left and drove from Heathrow into town and get a little bus tour from Diane, the tour guide. We stopped at Saint Pauls Cathedral and Westminster and Buckingham Palace. Walked a bit and then around 12:30 we got to our hotel. We all moved our stuff in and then the girls went to a little pub for lunch. That night we had a little welcome thing that involved wine and cheese and then a planned dinner that was pretty nice. All of us "kids" went out that night to a little piano bar where this little band was playing. It was cute and fun and drinking was legal.

I can barely keep track of all the things we did really so instead of doing what I just did I'm going to do a much shorter version.

Theatre Museum- We were one of the last tour groups to go through since it closes to the public this week. We got a workshop on make up and one on costumes. They were fun. The museum itself was amazing. So much theater history was inside of it. I was in awe. Especially since we were right in covent garden- hello, eliza doolittle.

Dancing in the Streets- oh dear jesus, that show should be shot. It was a MoTown revue exceptO the first half was so boring- I fell asleep. The second act wasn't bad but there were all sorts of fake American accents that killed.

Coram Boy- Oh My God. Quite possibly the most amazing show I've ever seen. The quality of performance coupled with the scale of the production was incredible. Everyone was so in it and at the end of the show when you would expect the cast to be drained from going through all this heavy stuff on stage they were skipping off, because they put everytihng into their performance- they had nothing left of that heaviness in themselves. It was truely incredible. Plus it was at the Olivier, of the Nation Theatre which is so beautiful. I want to be a tour guide there now cause I think it would be amazing just to be that.

Maxines- a little restaurant we went to one night. It was like an American styled place, but not at all. We had the cutest waiter. He was from New Zealand (sp?) and adorable. I had a "Wou Wou" for the first time and it might be one of my new favorite drinks. It was quite good.

Don Juan in SoHo- This play at the Donmar Warehouse took Molier's Don Juan and moved it to SoHo in London in the present. It was great! Not everyone enjoyed the way Patrick Marber changed the show but I guess since I'm only vaguely familiar with the original I couldn't take issue with the adaptation. I thought it was funny and light but still had a somewhat heavy message about the way people live thier lives. All in all I enjoyed it.

The National Theatre- Oh Dear Jesus. It was incredible. SO huge. All three theaters in one building. Plus all the workshops and practice rooms. I think its what Lincoln Center wants to be, but all in one building. I loved it. And then later that day...

The Globe- Oh Shakespeare! We got to sit in the theater and look around and wander the museum and it was wonderful. I don't even know what to say cause I was kind of in awe. Just thinking of what happened in the original Globe and the history and the productions that are now on the stage. Eek! So amazing.

The Club- OhMyGod. It was so much fun to go out to the club one night. It was on the 30th. We saw a show that night, went to dinner and then afterward were looking for this one club (WalkAround I think it was called) but this girl stopped us on the street and said she was promoting a club. Normally it was a ten quid cover charge but she could get the girls in for free and the guys for only 5. So of course we went there. It was so much fun. Just dancing and drinking and dancing with random people I didn't know. I'm kinda sad I didn't give this one guy my email address like he was asking for (I was kinda too drunk to remember it) And its not like I could give him my cell number since its American and he was from the South of London. He tried to get me to go to another club in Covent Garden with him that was open til 6 am since the one we were at closed at 3 but I couldn't. I was too far gone and I knew that Jess wouldn't let me. And plus there were things to do the next day and if I drank anymore who knows what I might've done. Anyways...

Blood Brothers- I know Jessica loves this show. And I love the story line. But the production values and the music quality was just so 80s-tastic. Like... I dont even know what to say. I'd almost prefere they take down the production that been running for 20 years now and update the music so its not so synthesized, cause it was painfully synth. But oh well, what I say doesn't really matter.

New Years Eve- During the day I was so hung over. I could not keep anything down, not even water. That was my punishment for kicking back the margaritas and Long Island Iceteas like there was no tomorrow at the club. But oh well. After everyone got stuff to eat, which meant I sat there watching them eat while I tried to dinrk water that I couldn't even keep down, we went wandering. One of the guys, Chaz, needed to get shoes so the boys went in search of those while us girls went for a little bit of shopping. I found what might be my favorite store ever- and I can't remember the name. But it was like a melding of BoHo and Mod style into one. I loved it and the clothes fit me! I tried stuff on and played and whatnot, but Jess wouldn't let me buy anything- oh well.

Grims Dyke's New Years Feast- So much fun! It was a 7 (i think) course meal and between each course there were singers doing first Gilbert and Sullivan songs and later opera pieces. It was just really cool and we were all dressed up cause it was formal- like Black Tie. Everyone looked so pretty. And we managed to make friends with the owner, who was this little Indian man. So we got to go to a little party after midnight in the one bar room. Free champagne! And lots of sing-a-longs. It was fun.

Stratford-Upon-Avon - Oh dear. Shakespeare all over the place. My love of the bard was welcomed here. We saw Pericles and Merry Wives: The Musical. Pericles was incredible- Merry Wives... not so much. But because of her starring role in Merry Wives we were able to meet Dame Judi Dench. Hells yeah. It was a merry old time... (hehe.. merry.) But we got to go to Shakespeare's birthplace and Anne Hathaway's cottage, where the bench that Anne and William would sit on together while "courting". It was cute. But yeah everything was pretty cool.

The Royal Shakespeare Theatre- Oh dear God. We took a tour and not only did we get to walk around both the theaters, but we were able to stand on the stage and the set of Merry Wives:The Musical. It was amazing. Just an experience that cannot be repeated. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I stood on a stage where some of the greatest actors in the world have worked. Its just so big that I can't comprehend that yet...

But then it was time to go home. And the flight home took forever... Near 8 hours I think. But it wasn't too bad.

And since then I've just been living. I went to get coffee last night with Leen. Breakfast this morning with Dimple. And all day Saturday I was with Amy and Beth. We went to Philly to laugh at Erin while she was in the Mummers Parade. And it was certainly an experience. It involved wandering around the city (but not getting lost! yay!) and then going back to Beth apartment to find that Amy's car had been towed. And thne driving allt he way to Norristown (and getting lost on the way there) and then jsut having all sorts of issues. And it really was just an unending day. Amy and i were together from 8 am to 8 pm. 12 hours together. But it was fun and now we have a story to tell.

And now I'm here. Theres a few people I haven't seen yet and I would like to so hopefully that works out.

My UArts audition to be a Music Major- Vocal Perf. comes up soon. And of course I'm sick right now. I have 12 days till my audition and I currently have no upper register. Like no sound comes out at all. It makes me sad, but whatever. I hope this works out. I really want it to. I really want this. Hopefully I can get in a few voice lessons in the next few days so I can tighten things up before its my time to go. Gene said he would give Jess some numbers of voice teachers from either the Musical Theater program or even the Music program. My mom thinks that his willingness to help might mean that he has faith in me and my abilities. That I might have a real chance of doing well... but who knows. He has heard me sing on new Years when we were all singing I sang My Funny Valentine by myself in front of everyone (the one G&S/Opera lady told me it was "lovely") and its not like he said anything to discourage me from auditioning so maybe...

I need this to work out.