i don't care if washington square is a ghost town.
i like it there.

today i went to school for yet another day of orientation.
these days are unending and i am exhusted... but i love it too much to care.
today was finally advising and scheduling for us crazy transfers.
i have classes to take finally!
color me excited.


anyways today i had a perfect hour or so.
it was in washington square.
i had a long break between the lecture and the actual meeting with amy, the woman in charge of my education and life for the next few years, so i decided to go to the park.
i had a book and free time so it seemed like the thing to do.
so i went, after stopping at starbucks for a tea, and i sat.
i found a bench in the sun and read 'eclipse'.
i got pulled into the world of bella and edward and jacob and everything.
and then i put my book down for a bit.
and i jsut sat.
i reveled in all that was around me.
there was a group of women, babysitters, taking groups of children around the park.
a young mother was playing with her two sons as they had a picnic.
some construction workers were on their lunch break, basking in the sunlight and the fresh air on the benchs opposite me.
a girl, my age, was walking a group of dogs on a rotation. her work, i'm guessing.
but as i sat there i realized that i was part of this.
everything that was going on was part of life and the city and everything.
and now i'm part of it.
i am in philadelphia.
at least i will be living there within the next few days.
and until then i'm taking the train there daily.
but it just hit me all at once that all of that, the city of philadelphia and everything in it, is now mine.
i keep expecting someone to come up and pinch me saying"just kidding! have fun in north jersey!"
and i know thats not going to happen, but everything that is happening has bene what i've wanted for so long that it just seems so surreal...
i don't know what i'm really saying but...
please don't pinch me because if this isn't real i don't want to wake up.

Has there ever been an instance where you couldn't believe something you did? In your head all you can hear is your own voice saying "What am I doing? Whats going on? This is not me." But it is. No matter how out of character it is - this is you,
That happened to me. Last night.

He kissed me like he meant it. It was sweet and intense and then I just lost it. I kissed him back. I just let go . I went with the moment. And as I did, I didn't feel like me. But at the same time, I did. It was almost freeing- almost. I felt his stubble scratching my skin, his tongue ring hitting my teeth, fighting with me. It was the strangest sensation,. Exhilarating and petrifying at the same time. But I didn't know who I was. I am not the reckless abandon girl. I do not make out with people I've know for a total of two hours. Its just not who I am. And as much as I'd like to blame it on the tequila, it was my own doing. I flirted and played. When he asked if he could kiss me I complied. I was willing, maybe even eager.
Afterward, I looked in the mirror. I thought that I could see it. I could tell what I'd been doing in that hallway. My lips were red from his. My hair mussed by his hands. And I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do. So I laughed.
When he asked for my phone number I said no. We live two hours away. It just didn't seem like the way it should be. So to shut him up I kissed him again, hiding from everyone else as they walked around the corner. And then he was leaving. It was past 3am already. The bar was closed, everyone leaving. And I kissed him again. Goodbye. Infront of everyone on the streets of Manhattan.

Who was I last night?




(Things to Ruin was amazing.
I think I love Joe Iconis - maybe i'm just inlove with a punk rocker named joe?)

I hate the phone, but I wish you'd call.

There's a myth that every seven years there is a renewal that takes place within the body, cells replacing themselves. According to this idea you become a "new" person every seven years, at least. I know it's not true, but its such a nice idea that I can't resist it. Going on this theory, you could be a completely "different" person every seven years.
I still have moments today where I feel like a fourteen year old girl, so maybe it is time for a change.
Since I'm going to be 21 in a matter of months it may be the beginning of a new time, a new chapter. Time to start anew, open up a new book of my life. Move on. Forget about those people that were holding me back, tying me to the past. Not my friends. I can't let go of them. They're there for me. I mean those people who I really have no connection to other than memories that I live in from time to time. It's time I finally get past certain people. One specifically is one I need to get past. I know it is never going to happen. As if the impending marriage weren't enough, the lack of anything over the past how many years should be a clue. I have this image of him in my mind that I've been building up since... far longer that I'd like to admit. Its not real. And even if it was real, it's not mine. He's not mine.
Every crush I've had since I was in 8th grade. No matter how "over" it and them I may be there is still a little part of me, deep in my heart and my head, that is holding out. That goes pitter-patter at the thought of them, at the sound of their name. It may only be a little flutter, but its there nonetheless. And it needs to be done away with. And soon.
I'm not sure how one goes about cutting someone from their heart, especially when the memory of them still exists, and probably always will, but I need to do this. To move on with my life. I will never find the same sort of attraction as I did to one, the banter I had with another, or the history we shared. But thats okay. Maybe I can find a deeper attraction, more clever banter, and start making my own history...

Into the Woods is now.
You should come see it.
Sacred Heart, Mount Holly.
Saturday - 8pm.
Sunday- 3 pm.
You will laugh and cry and maybe dance a bit.

But in other news.
LBI starting tomorrow (technically, but not really till Sunday night)
If you wanna come down call me.
If you're gonna stay bring your own pillow and towels.
Thats all we really ask.

And now I'm off.